Search For Home

I have always loved this piece of art. It is by a guy named Chris Koelle. Every time I look at it I feel a depth inside me that I am not sure what to do with. It's as if I am standing by the Grand Canyon, looking down into vast space. When I look at the twilight of this drawing I see a journey. You know those journeys people take to find something they don't have? Those journeys people step out on to follow a calling that they feel has been placed on their lives? Those journeys that have inspired books to be written, and those books inspire people to make a movie. That is the journey that I see when I look at the caverns and trees of this drawing. In the foreground you can see a tiny beaten path that has been forged by people taking such a journey.

Have you ever felt that? Have you ever felt the weight of a journey like that? You stand in comforts of the life you have been leading, but something doesn't feel complete... there is something more... something you are being called to. I have... I do. I think there is a search that is constantly brewing inside all of us. A search for some sort of silver lining in the situation we are in... if we find that silver lining, we want to know where that silver is coming from. We want to know where the light that illuminates that silver is. Because we want to be there! We want to be where the light is easy to see. We want to feel the warmth of the shining sun. We look at the damp darkness that life can often times surround us with, and our souls cry out of more than this. It screams, "I was meant for more than darkness and the dust that cages me here!" We catch a glimpse of that silver lining in our circumstances and we want more! So we set out toward the illuminated horizon which our being feels called to. We back up our things. We say our goodbyes. We try our best to answer the questions that people ask when they don't understand. We take deep breaths as we stand by the road. We look both ways before we put our feet on that road. Because we know that once we feel the texture beneath our feet we will never be the same. Not knowing where the road is leading... in faith we put one foot in front of the other.

We keep looking toward the horizons at that light. We travel for days. We take our shoes off as we walk because it feels like holy ground that we are on. We give ourselves totally over to the calling to travel that we feel. We climb a hill called "fear" thinking that beyond this hill is the light. Because, surely the steep and tall hill of "fear" is high enough to see the light from. We get to the top of "fear" hill to find that the light is still so far away. And just as this drawing shows, there are more dark valleys that must be crossed before the land of light can be reached. In that moment there is so much despair that over takes you. You sit and weep about the new distance that you must journey through. Hope is hard to find. Darkness seems to surround you again, so you sit down and try to force yourself to embrace this new truth that has been forced on you.

Out of the corner of your eye you see a small flicker of dim light. You look around trying to capture it again, but it has moved. You are so frantic for any source of light that can give you some hope. Then you see it again. It moved closer... then further along the road. You get up to get a closer look. It's a firefly. It's awe inspiring. It's small, but it's full of symbolism. So you keep walking.

I've been listening to a guy named Thad Cockrell. He has a song called "A Country of My Own". It has been speaking to my heart of some time now. I am realizing that I am looking for something of my own! I am looking for a sense of home. A country that seems to fit who I am. A place that still causes me to be stretched, but also a place to grow. Every time I think I have found it (or that I have been called to it), it isn't what it appeared. Something doesn't work out. There is nothing for me there. My heart feels dryer there than any place that I have been before. People don't understand why I am there. There are so many reasons, like these, that have seemed to be the common thread as I have been trying to find this "Country of My Own". This "home" or "country" isn't necessarily a physical place. I have found many new places with the Lord, as I have stood still! However, I am still standing just past a leap of faith with my direction darken. I have a calling from the Lord... but it's hard to find much more than that right now! It's like jogging in place to get your legs warm for long run... but an hour later you haven't ran an inch, but your legs sure are tired from an hours worth of running. You want to see how far you can run. You want to see how well you can run the distance that is laid before you. But someone or something stands in your way telling you to wait. Telling you that it isn't your time yet. Telling you to keep preparing for your turn. But your legs get more and more tired.

"What now?", is all that I can seem to say to the Lord right now. What does He want me to do?

It Happened

On July 1st, I asked Leah to marry me. I taught for the last time at The HUB (the college group at Irving Bible Church). After teaching, I was giving them my farewell address, and I asked Leah to come up to the front with me. I showed a photo slide show of some pictures of us. I had Craig (he leads worship for the group) play "On a Night Like This" by Dave Barnes. The last slide said: "Leah, will you marry me?" She turned back to me after watching the screen as I hit a knee. I told her how my love for her had grown over the last year and how I didn't want to start a new phase of my life without her. I then asked her to marry me. She cried, and then said YES! The college group had gotten us a cake, so we celebrated. I am amazed at how the Lord can take a guy like me to a place where a girl like Leah wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I am blown away. I was speechless of about 5 minutes. "Holy is the Lord, God Almighty!"

10 Days of Honduras

Here is my trip to Honduras as promised:

I was a part of a team of about 40 believers from the United States that descended upon Honduras to help finish a very long bridge and put roofs and floors on about 15 houses. There where 3 church groups that went. There where 2 of us from Texas and another from Florida. If you know me at all you are probably waiting for me to talk about how hard it was to find community in such circumstances. You are probably waiting for me to give out a laundry list of the reasons and ways this trip could have been better if they had just let me lead. Sorry to disappoint you but that isn't what I am going to say. We had a great group of people, and there where great men that led us while we where there.

Because there where some problems problems getting the cable for the bridge out of customs, our first day was spent roofing and flooring. These Honduran people live in poverty. They bath and go to the bathroom in the same place! There houses are made out of mud bricks! In total for the week, we put steel sheet roofs on 8 of these houses, and we put 6 cement floors over the dirt that these people called a floor. How blessed are we that we have carpet and hard wood floors? These people had next to nothing, and they seemed to be so happy. How is that? They where so grateful for the work we where doing for them. They never tried to make excuses of why they didn't need our help. They thanked us. They cried. They gave us hugs. They accepted grace. As I have been back in the States, I have noticed a difference. The need for grace makes people ashamed here.

I also helped with the construction of the bridge. I use the work help loosely. I cut some cable and made a lot of jokes. I met a family from Florida named the Caldwell's. I got the chance to watch this family serve together. It was amazing. While i was cutting the cables for the bridge Mike Caldwell told me something about myself that I didn't think was true. After working for hours he walked up to me and said: "If I was starting a business, I would hire you on the spot! I can ask you to do something, and you'll do it. And if you don't know how, you'll ask for help." I am a stubborn guy. I am proud, and I hate not knowing how to do something... this guy just told me I was teachable. It's been a long time since someone described me as teachable or flexible.

We also did VBS. W all chose a certain color of shirt at he beginning of the week. Each color had a certain day of VBS. You worked construction in the morning, than after lunch your color did VBS. There where hundreds of kids everyday. My day at VBS was the hardest for me. I want to be a daddy so bad. And I feel like I need to communicate in order to breath properly. So, I was surrounded by kids that I couldn't talk to. It was a hard afternoon. I go so frustrated. I was a wreck the rest of the day. That night I took a walk. I prayed. I heard the Lord saying to me: "You keep expecting to be able to live your life on your own strength! You expected to come out here and do this trip on your own! How insane are you? You don't speak the language, but you assumed you could communicate! You need me! I want you to need me!" It is sobering when you hear the Lord speak to you no matter where you go.

I met a lot of people that I don't want to forget. I met a pastor named Rob. We laughed and talked theology together. We where totally open and honest. It was beautiful. I met an intern named BJ that seemed to connect with me. I see a younger version of myself in him (in a weird way!), and I'm not sure if that is good or bad for him! He's a good guy that truly wants to spread the name of Jesus! I met a recovering drug addict that is desperately seeking the Lord. He has a great heart. I watched him cry some heavy tears as we where leaving. What a picture of grace! I mentioned the Caldwell family. They spoke to my heart. They are not perfect, but they love each other! They serve together. They spoke to my heart. They give me hope! I met and couple named Noel and Emily. They made me laugh. I love their marriage. It is inspiring! A member of my team was Preston. I already knew him, but I will never look at him the same way! He served and cared so much for the Honduran people. He was affected as soon as we got there! He is as genuine as they come.

I also saw Leah in a new way on this trip. She was one of the translators for the trip. She was pushed and pulled in so many different directions, but she never got frustrated. She never told anyone no. She never stopped serving. That is beautiful! Her heart seemed to get bigger and bigger the longer she was there. Just when I thought she couldn't get more amazing, we take this trip! I am blown away!

There is still so much to say about this trip, but I don't have the room! Please, call me or email me. Let me talk your ear off over a cup of coffee or a frosty beverage! The Lord is faithful and good!

Honduras

I just got back into the country from Honduras. I was over there for 10 days. I am very tired, and cranky (imagine that!). I promise I will write a nice long post about what the Lord did on this trip, because He did a lot! He did more than I will ever know. It was a great trip, with a lot of amazing people.

However, we where on the plane flying over the world, not even back on American soil and "regular life" came beckoning. It's back to bills, jobs, and money issues to talk about! That makes me sad, but it's life! Now comes the hard part for me; not forgetting what the Lord has shown me through this trip. The Lord is good, and I am truly amazed at how He works in all of the smallest details of our existence!

A more detailed post is in the works... just give me some time to get reacquainted with air conditioning!

Another Year Inside My Head

Before I actually write this post, I need to admit that this post will go against the last post I wrote! The following lines will be filled with thoughts about my life during the past year. I will proceed to help you understand me, and I might even try to persuade you to believe that there is hope for me yet! Now, I know that people like Steve Hayes will leave me comments calling me out on my hypocrisy... but Steve is a jerk (that I love)! With that said...

Today is my 26th birthday! There has been so much that has happened to me this year that I almost don't know where to begin. So, in no particular order:

: This year has brought me a great relationship with a girl that I don't deserve! May 20th will be a year for us! She has truly been a blessing! We have seen some very hard nights, but there have been so many great days for us this year! We have watched some great baseball games at the ball park! We had our first kiss, our first argument, and moments of total acceptance than neither one of us ever thought we would find in another person!

:I went the farthest North that I have ever been this year! I went to Idaho with Leah for Thanksgiving. It was breath taking to be in the valley of McCall surrounded by mountains and snow. I had a week of meeting new people, trying to relate to them, and then figuring out that I get in the way of people ever truly knowing me! We also spent time in Boise (there are lots of bars there! It was great!). Idaho was filled with: snow, mountains, great people, good beer, and revelations! It don't get much better than that!

:This year has seen me walk into the doors of Celebrate Recovery at Irving Bible Church! Over the past six to seven months I have spent more time with alcoholics, drug addicts, and guys like me that struggle with sexual addictions! And, I must say that i have found a level of honesty and raw emotion in other people that I have always craved! This time has uncovered a lot of scars that I never really wanted to deal with and some that I never knew where there. It is the hardest thing I ever done. I have never truly tried to look at my life from any other perspective than as a unworthy S.O.B. I have come to understand so much more about the Lord than I ever have. I've always know that the loves me, but I never believed that people could. I always thought: "If you really knew me, you wouldn't like me... or even be able to stomach me!" Because I have had some important people walk out on me in this life, I have spent most of my life trying to survive and protect myself from being hurt again! I adopted the mentality: "Hurt them before they hurt you. Make them leave before they decide to walk out!" This thinking has caused me to become a bitter and cynical guy that holds everyone at arms length. It has made me a tired and angry person. However, this year has seen the Lord crowd me and make me feel uncomfortable with the knowledge of His love and mercy. He has crowded me so much that I have cried on His shoulder and talked about the deepest, darkest, and dirtiest parts of my life and heart with another man. The Lord has helped me step out of the darkness and into His light! While I am still having a hard time believing it, I am starting to understand: "People love and care about me!"

:There have been many post on this blog where I have spoken about my longings to be anywhere other than here! I was walking in the cool air last night before I went to bed, and I realized that I have found contentment in my life! Where did that come? The Lord is better than I know!

That's a good year in my life! I hope my friends and family can say the same on their birthdays as they look back.

What Do I Say Now?

I have been pondering what to do about this blog. The reason I started it was to get out a lot of frustrations in my life and to feel like there was someone listening to me. Over the past 5 months I haven't needed that... or at least not from this blog. So this blog is no longer for such things. It's time for me to spend my time on more important things than me! I heard a preacher say that this life doesn't terminate on us, so don't try to make it about you. There is more to this life that what I think, so I'm going to stop acting like my opinion is the most important one!

I just got finished reading the last couple of posts that I wrote for this stupid blog. I have two observations:

1. I can't spell to save my life! Not even spell check has an answer for me!

2. I sure do piss and moan a lot!

I will start using a dictionary before I press "publish", and I will get all of my crying out before I start typing!

Into the Wild

Okay, if you haven't watched this movie, you must! It is an amazing thought provoking film. I am posting a link to a article written about the film (a better article that I would have wrote). After watching this film I was blow away. My mind was racing around the implications of some of the most poignant lines I have heard in a movie in a long time.

This is a great article that describes the movie:

http://www.rabbitroom.com/?p=171#more-171

Wedding, Birth, and Death

There is almost no better feeling than watching people you love get married. I had the privilege of attending a beautiful wedding ceremony of one my dear friends on Saturday. It was great to watch him stumble through the wedding vows he hand wrote for his wife. He cried as he listened to he recite her vows to love and support him throughout the upcoming years of their lives. It was amazing to see two people at the height of happiness and joy....

One of my employees just left on maternity leave. His wife is gave birth today to their first child. As I write this they are holding their son... and love is flowing in that hospital room. A new life has started...

But, on Thursday night my store got word that one of my employees had taken his own life. He was 24. I had worked with this guy for close to two years. He was funny and caring. He could make you laugh without effort. He was so unassuming in the ways he worked his way into my heart. He and I did not have have a close relationship outside of work... but that doesn't stop me from feeling a deep sadness. I have spent the last three days watching all of my employees crumble and break about this loss. Every time I watch them break down, I am forced to relive this tragic end to a life. As a believer in Jesus Christ, I find comfort in my eternal destination. But, I cannot find the same comfort for this guy. He was not a believer in Jesus... and that is weighing heavy on my heart. He carried the heavy burden of his short comings and faults. He never felt like he lived up to the expectation of his parents. He lost all hope in this life. He felt only loneliness in his last moments. He could no longer handle the thought of disappointing the people around him, so he took his life into his own hands... And he left the rest of us here to try to make sense of things. He left his parents with the thought that they didn't love their son enough, and pushed him too hard. And, I must say that is crap. No parent should have to deal with that! He was wrong, because his parents would do anything to have their son back! They would do anything to let him know how much they love him... but they will never get that chance. He took that away from them. What a waist of a beautiful life.

Now, I am forced to look around at the people in my life. Who doesn't know how much I love them? Who is in a dark place? Who is drowning in the lies the enemy? Who around me doesn't know my Jesus? Who hasn't felt the love and grace of the Saviour? Who is still trying to carry the load of all their wrongs? Who in my life is loosing hope? God save us!

So this week has shown me the full spectrum of life. A child has been born and has started his journey in this life. Two people have joined theirs lives into one. And, a young man lost hope and ended his life alone. This is where my life is being lived. It is dirty when you try to live your life with people who need Jesus. Jesus paid all of our debt in full when he lived on this earth then died on that cross. He died so we could live in freedom from sin and death... but sin and death continues to chase after us. Why wont we just trust in Christ and be set free? This has been one of the most gut wrenching weeks of my life... but their are people living their lives in peace and joy, while other live in devastation and heart break. God save us

People Wreck People!

Wake up...live at a pace of 1,000,000 miles an hour...go to bed...wake up and do it all over again... for the rest of your life! Oh, and try to find the time to maintain the relationships in your life ( family, friends, co-workers, room mates, the mailman, and if you are lucky that person of your dreams!). I make these statements with very limited vision. I am 25 years old, so what insight could I possibly offer anyone who has lived a day more than me? As I have taken a survey of the people that are running in and out of my life over the past couple of weeks... I have something to say that might be worth a listen (what a bold claim for a self-center guy like me, but here goes none the less).

There is a prominent Christian singer that has walked down an unfaithful road in his life. This guy sings with conviction of the awe and wonder of our faithful Creator. He tours the country and leads thousands of people in worship for the Lord our God. He has a beautiful young family, and "success." However one day he found himself to be an unfaithful husband to his wife. He cheated on his wife, the mother of his only son. I have something to say to this guy: The Lord's grace has given you right standing before the throne of the Father...but you have broken the heart of one of His daughters! Only the Lord can piece her fractured heart heart back together, but He has given you the command to surrender your life to give the rest of your life in sacrifice to your bride. I have never been on this guys side more than I am right now. I want to see this guy redeemed as a father and husband, because I want to see the Lord move with all his glory. I want to see Him move because I need hope. I need hope that tells me that not even our unfaithfulness can stop the glorious grace of our Saviour Jesus. I need hope for myself.

I have a friend that is fighting for his kids. He is fighting through the unfaithfulness of his wife. He is fighting through loneliness and hurt. He is fighting through the lies of the great deceiver that tells him he is not fit to father his own kids. He is fighting through this fog of pain and hardship... he is fighting for the future of his kids. He is fighting for the light in their eyes at the end of a long hard day. He is fighting for them, because the Lord has but these kids in his life. I have something to say to this guy: Keep fighting. Fight when there is light on the good sunny days. Fight in the thickness of a dark night. Fall to your knees at the foot of your kids bed and plead with to the only Father that has never failed His children. Plead with Him for the light of His Spirit. Cry out to Him for the strength to keep moving toward toward His will for the lives of those babies. Ask Him for the wisdom that moves boys to become men. And then get out of His way, and let Him take the lead. Follow Him.

I know a girl that left her husband and kids because she was unhappy. She chased the dreams of her youth, instead of being a mother to her kids. When she couldn't find anything of value in the world, she wanted her kids back... so she took them from their father. The father that never stops giving his kids everything he had...no matter how unsatisfied he was with his life. Her kids have become leverage instead of her babies. I have something to say to her: The Lord knew all your sins... and He died on a cross to save you from yourself. He knew all the wrongs you would commit, and He still loves you. But, children are not leverage. They are not the bargaining tools that get you the things you want. There are thousands of people that plead with the Lord to have the chance at having children... and you see your babies as a burden. I pray the Lord doesn't give you over to the desires of a sinful heart. I hope He begins to break and mold your heart to repentance. I hope you cry out of His forgiveness. I hope He restores your heart to love those kids like they are the best thing that has ever happened to you. I cannot condemn you, because my list of faults and sins are many. I hope for redemption for you, because I need it just as much as you.

There is a girl that has stolen my heart, and she has felt the sing of my sins. She has shown me love and trust. And, I have betrayed both. While she has given me forgiveness... her heart has been cracked. As I write this, she is alone in a room struggling with her own personal issues. She has places in her life that just aren't adding up. There is a war raging in her mind of what is right and wrong. There are lies that she has believed her entire life that she doesn't want to believe anymore...but it's not easy to untangle herself from the grasp of deception. I have something to say to this girl: You cannot fix yourself... no one can fix themselves. The weight of repairing yourself is not your burden to carry. You are strong and beautiful. Lay it all at His feet, then walk where He shines His light. Don't let me or your history stand in the way of finding the wholeness that your Father promised you. You are good, but it is okay to be a little messed up! The Lord love the chance to show you just how much He loves you...so let Him.

Then there is me... and I have plenty to say to myself: You are an idiot! You know the right path, but you walk the other way. You lie, cheat, and steal... you are an idiot! But, you are lovable. The Lord loves you! He loves you right now...not some future version of you. He love the messed idiot you are right now (thank you Matt Chandler). You are not Superman, you aren't even Batman... hell, you aren't even Mighty Mouse. So stop acting like you are. Be honest... you need the Lord more than you want to say, or more than you even know. He will sustain you. Just fall at His feet and let Him break every part of you that keeps you from His goodness. Smile every once in a while; there is joy to be found in the Lord!

God, help us all! Your cross is more than a tree. We are a busted people. Take all our junk and redeem us! Redeem us! We need you! I need you!

Transparency

The cost of transparency is enormous. It could end up costing you everything. It can cut you to the core of your existence. It will bring you to your knees, but hopefully you find yourself at the feet of the one who created you... and there you find the love that paid for what your best efforts could never buy.

There is no worst feeling than the one you feel when all of your junk goes public. The dark secrets you don't want anyone to know... or the secrets you try and keep from the ones who you know will be hurt the worst. There is a deep gasp that your stomach feels as your sins are laid bare in front of the people you have toiled to look like Superman in front of. There is nakedness that you suddenly feel... there is nothing to hide behind, no more lies to tell, no way to"spin" things so you don't look as bad... everything is on the table. There is no where to go, so you look into the eyes of the people you have hurt.

You run the risk of loosing close friends and those you love when your junk is laid bare at their feet. The way they look at you is changed... maybe it gets a lot clearer, because now they see more of you than you ever let them. What are they going to do with all this new information about you. What are they going to think about the "you" that you are when no one else is around? Are they going to walk away and condemn you... to be honest, you deserve it; you lied, cheated, stole, and hurt...

Here's the thing, I have spent so much time and energy try to hide myself from those who care about me. I have tried to hide the worst parts of who I am, because sin causes shame and guilt. So, instead of dealing with the sin, I would rather spend years in the agonising guilt and shame of my repeated sin. Even as a believer, who knows the saving power of Jesus, I have spent years trying to hide the dark places of my soul. The author of Hebrews tells us that there is nothing unseen by the Lord... there goes that sinking feeling the pit of my stomach again. He knows every ounce of me and my sins, so why hide?

In the most direct way I know how to say this to any of those who read this: Get help! Don't try and fix yourself in the dark of the night. Only the Lord can change your heart. You worst sin is not to big for Him, and there is no sin worth holding on to. Alcohol, drugs, pornography, lust, lies, hurt... there is no sin worth repeating, and no sin that the Lord can't help you get away from. He will walk with you as you walk way from the dark places of your soul. It's a hard painful road to even get to the point of admitting that there is a sin...but the road to the cross held the pain and sorrow of all men, where would we be if Jesus hadn't taken the hard steps? So there might be people that walk out of your life when you come clean in front of them... it will hurt like hell. But Jesus knows that pain, and I promise that freedom is better than bondage.

Oh, Mat Kearney, You Have Taken My Heart!

Okay, after about two years of absolutely devouring everything that Mat Kearney has every done... I was finally able to see him in concert last night. He has come to town multiple times, but I have never been able to go to the show...there was a little piece of me that died every time I missed the chance to see him (joking... not really... maybe a little!). Well, Leah bought us tickets to the show...she is amazing!!!

There is so much that I can say about the whole night, but I will keep in short because I don't want to cry. The show was greatness! I got to hear all of his stuff, including a couple of new songs. It was a great show for so many reasons: I had Leah in my arms while Mat sang old song that now have new meanings for me, the sound of the music was amazing and soulful, and I knew every word to every song...

But, there was a moment that totally caught me off guard. Mat started talking about his song "Won't Back Down". He said that he wrote it for Johnny Cash, and then started playing it on the piano. I listened to the familiar words and closed my eyes. As he came to the last part of the song, he sang

singing out the gentle sound
rattling through my smoking screens
my broken dreams last night

hallelujah ripped through my veins
i heard the hammer drop
my blood in the rain

hallelujah came like a train
when all is lost
all is left to gain
hallelujah

I raised my hand and tried to reach the Lord as I sang along: "When all is lost, all is left to gain, hallelujah". For a moment, in this extended time of weariness in my life, I felt a moment that felt authentic and true for the Lord. It only lasted seconds, but none the less, I felt my heart stretch out for the Lord...I've been sitting through tons of church services, meetings, and gatherings with a lack of call in my heart to worship... but at a Mat Kearney concert my heart jumped at a chance to let the Lord know that I still want to know Him. It has been a long time since that has happened for me... what a blessing.

The Great Restlessness of a Soul

I walked through a busy store the other day, and I knew I wasn't alone. That might sound funny to some, but it is not that uncommon to stand in the midst of a crowd and still feel all alone... it happens to us more than we would like to admit. I watched as people walked past me in this store, and I noticed that I wasn't the only one in the store that was annoyed at the fact that there where other people around. In fact, there where many of us that where angry at the nerve of these other people that thought they could shop in the same place as us. "This is Wal-Mart for crying out loud! What gives anyone but me the right the be here?", I thought as I waited my turn to reach for something on the shelf... While I am writing this story in jest, it is pointing me to a truth about me right now... My heart is restless and it is making my angry!

It never fails that around this time of the year I have this urgent yearning to run away. I just want to get the "heck" out of here. I almost don't care where I go, just get me away from this place. But, this time it's different. There is a groaning that has been consistently escaping from my soul. A groaning that there is something terribly wrong with me... I'm out of rhythm with my Creator. I'm not walking in the ways he created me to walk. Caedmon's Call has a great new album "Overdressed", and there is an amazing song called "Hold the Light". There is a line that says, "It's been a long year, like a sleepless night. Jacob wrestled the angel, but I'm too tired to fight..." I feel those words more than I want to. The song is referencing the Old Testament story where Jacob wrestled with the angel of the Lord, and walked away with a limp to remind him of the struggle. I don't have a physical limp for the crap that is going on inside me. I'm tired of feeling the need to post thoughts like this for all of you to see. I'm tired of feeling like every step taken is off the path the Lord has laid for me. I am restless, and I want to get away from this season of my life... even though I know the Lord is using this to sanctify me... and I'm getting too tired to fight Him... and maybe that's for the best...

"Lord break me down, and strip away all the garbage in my filthy heart! I'm tired of these dirty heartaches that I have been wearing like royal clothing... they are robbing me of You! I don't want to fight you anymore! I just want some peace about who You are and what you are doing in and for me! I just want you to hold me and let me know that I haven't gone too far away from you! I want to believe in your forgiveness again, but it's hard to see from the garbage I'm swimming in! Help me to find a place to slow down and be still... God save me from myself, even though you already have!"

Oh Great Mystery!

What happens to a born-again Christian when their world grows dark? When their world seems distant from the richness of God? Where does a believer turn when their soul has seemed to dry up? What is this soul to do with Jesus' words, "I am living water" when only dust is kicked up by their steps? What happened to me... when did this happen?

If I could be totally honest with anyone who is reading this, I would be forced to say that it has been a long time since I have felt the rushing waters of Jesus wash over me. My days have been marked by an overwhelming dryness. It seems that I woke up one day to find that I am a cynical, dry, unloving bastard! (If you are someone who has personally walked through this life with me for any length of time, and are having thoughts that I am being to hard on myself...keep those thought to yourself, and keep reading! This is not the classic Chad that has a low view of himself... this is a humbled Chad that is finding out just how little he understands!...keep reading.) While I know this did not happen over night, it seems that I have always been this way... but I know that can't be true... but I can't remember that last time I looked out on this landscape of my Christ restored life and did not have something cynical to say about: the church, pastors, the music on Christian radio or in church service, "so-called" Christians, or myself. It is overwhelming for my to think that I might actually be nothing more than a sore than a helping hand. What if I have become more of hindrance to the Gospel than an agent of it? Where did I turn the wrong way? My God, when was the last time I took a step that was in sync with yours?

I know this is a lot coming from a guy like me. I know this is a lot of junk to throw into one post on this stupid blog... but I feel like I have no choice.

I do not want to sound arrogant, because this is going to come out all wrong...but it is the best way I can say it right now. I don't have a problem seeing the big picture that God is painting... for the most part. When I look at the situations and events in my life, I can usually see the bigger things at work behind what is physically happening. I have no problem seeing that the Lord is teaching me this or that when things get "hard". I, for the most part, do a "good job" of keeping a level head about what happens in the day-to-day. Even when things start to feel like they are crushing me... I find a way to see the larger things that the Lord is doing. For those of you who have been with me for the past 2 to 3 years have seen me stumble through divorce and heartache. While there where major points of discontentment and hurt, I could always see that the Lord was using the situation to bring me to a closer dependence on Him. He was trying to draw her back to Him. He was purifying me through fire to get me to a point where I would be better used by Him. This was the lens in which I walked through my divorce. While there was pain and questions during long nights, I never truly questioned who God was or His love for me. I only say all of that to say this: I can see the Lord moving in and around me... but it rarely moves me to a stirring passion of action and worship! How does that happen? How does a believer see the hand of God with a moderate clarity and it not affect Him that same way it moved David or Paul? When did I loose a passion for the workings of the Lord?

I have a problem sitting through a church service. While I am surrounded by believers raising their hands and singing praise to the same Lord that I love... all I can do is wonder if it is real. In my head I question their actions. I don't think that I am better or more authentic... I just question them. Are they just being emotional? Are they just wanting to look good? Let me stop and simply say this: I question them because I am not moved to such actions... and maybe it is starting to eat at me that they seemingly feel something about my God that I don't. There is a void in me that seemingly should not be there. So here is the nuts and bolts of my situation right now:

I have no passion for the Lord! I love Him, and I know that He is my salvation. But, I have a dry soul. The scriptures speak of a mystery found in the life and working of the Lord... but I find no mystery in what I see day-to-day. Don't get me wrong I still look at a sunset and wonder how He does it. I have a contentment about the Lord that most people seek after (I'm not boasting, just try to sort this crap out!!). My problem is my contentment that tells me the Lord is good and loves me enough to know me before I was even borne, it is keeping from a passion that wets my appetite to see Him move. It is keeping me from finding a mystery in Him that breaks me. I'm not looking for an emotional moment, just a moment that knocks me on my ass! I want to see something that has nothing to do with me but is altogether larger than anything that i could ever do. But I fear that I am not going to find it here. The mystery of God has escaped me, or maybe I have such a high view of myself that I have blinded myself from it. Maybe I think I have everything figured out that I have no need to be in awe of how great the Lord is... I hope that is not it. I hope I am humble enough to know that I am a fractured awful excuse for a son of the risen Lord. I hope my heart isn't hardened to the point that I feel I am equal with the Lord. I just want to find the place where I can marvel at the Lord. That place where He is beautiful in His small and big ways! Because I see Him moving... it just returns void on me right now. I want to be mystified at His dealing with this world. I want a passion that moves me to action!

So, with ALL of that said, this is my journey right now: The mystery of the Lord and a passion for him.

Help My Unbelif

Out of no where it started to rain today. It was a typical hot, muggy, summer day. You could hear some faint thunder in the distance; then you saw the rain start to hit the pavement. As usual, the windows of my truck where rolled down; so I grabbed my keys and ran outside to roll them up. After getting the windows up, I started to make a dash out of the rain. I stopped running and started walking... then I just stopped. I stood there on the sidewalk of my apartment with my head down, letting the rain slowly soak my head and shoulders. The rain came down harder, and I lifted my face up to the sky... I couldn't help but to be overwhelmed at the moment.

Last night, Leah and I had an amazing night. As the sky went from sunset to dusk we took a walk in the park close to her house. The temperature dropped about ten degrees as we walked under the trees... then out of no where I saw a small flash of light that I hadn't seen since I was a kid visiting my grandparents in Arkansas. We stopped and watched as fireflies danced under the trees. It was amazing. It was the first time Leah saw them, and probably the first bug that she hadn't wanted to run away from. It was amazing to watch these creatures light up the night (in a very small way, of course).

Who is this God that loves us? Who is this God that loves us in a mighty way that sends His son to die a death that I could never die? Who is this God that loves us in the smallest of ways to send a rain storm to remind us that His mercies fall upon us like rain from the sky? Who is this God that allows us to see His creation light up the night? How complete is His majesty that He allows us to call Him "Father"? How gracious is our Father that He makes Himself known to such a broken vessel as me?

I was overwhelmed today because I repeatedly forget that the Lord loves me. I forget because I am selfish and self-centered. I forget because I get caught up in trying to ensure I get things my way. I forget His love until I am reminded of my brokenness. I struggle and fight for the things of this world until I am exhausted, and my exhaustion shows me that my toil hasn't even added a single extra moment to my life... it has added a single extra moment of joy or satisfaction to my days.

Mark 9:24 "Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!"

Oh Lord, I believe in your power and grace... my help my unbelief when I take my eyes off of you!... God help my unbelief!!!

Your Good and Your Brave

There is something in all of us that makes us seek acceptance and validation. It is different for all of us, but it is the same longing. For some, this longing is getting that raise or promotion at work. While others look to achievement and trophies. For me, I look at my parents. I had a conversation with some new friends last night. We had dinner to get better acquainted. They asked me about my childhood and the road that has lead me to the place I am today. I took pride and joy in telling them about my brothers and how my mother raised us alone. I was amazed at how much I loved my momma' as I watched them react as I told them how my mother works full time from her wheel chair. It blew their mind, how much strength my momma' show everyday of her life... It made me understand how much I want to hear my her tell me that she is proud of me. I want so desperately to hear her tell me that I am good and brave. I want to hear my step-dad tell me that he approves of me as a man, and that he is proud of me.

When it comes down to it, we all seek this acceptance from the Lord. We want to hear Him tell me that I am good in the same way He looked over creation and called it good. While I know that my human condition is flawed and cracked, I know that He has put His perfect spirit and power with in me when I accepted His son.

He Is All Around

Sometimes we seek the face of our Lord... but we never take the time to see Him all around us. He is in the air we breath, the ground we spit on, the depth of our darkest hours, and at the peak of our greatest joy! And still, we have the gal to act as if He has hidden himself from us?! Scriptures tell us that there is no place He cannot see, and yet we try to run from Him all in the name of "searching" for Him. We want to take trips across the world to see Him move and work, but we squeeze our eyes shut as He weaves His way through the workings of our everyday. When times seem hard, we cry out for mercy with the breath that He mercifully died to give us. Money gets tight in our suburban lifestyle and start to wonder if He has forgotten us... all the while an African mother holds her aids ridden children as they take their last breath, and she thanks the Lord for the life He has given...

Everyone needs a break from their lives sometimes. We feel heavy, even though He offers a light yoke. Take a hike and see Him work in the rising of the sun. Walk down a dirt path and see Him grow trees hundreds of feet high. Cross a bridge and marvel as He rushes water over a riverbed. Get in your car and drive to the "poor" parts of the city... do that and see Him all around you... then praise Him. Praise Him for the best parts of your life. Praise Him for your kids that you love. Praise Him for your job that you hate. Praise Him for the past that has left you bruised and slightly broken. Then praise Him for the mercies He pours out to us every morning... see Him all around you and then start living like His death actually means something to you.

Bright Days Can Be In Sufficient

Inadequate- not adequate: IN SUFFICIENT

This is the way Webster defines "inadequate". When they put it like that, it doesn't sound so bad... in fact, it sounds inconsequential (illogical: IRRELEVANT: of no significance: UNIMPORTANT). Looking at these definitions that attempt to define what I am feeling, they make this feeling of inadequacy seem small. Small, as if one could simply crush it beneath their shoe as they walk through life. If that is true, if inadequacy is irrelevant and unimportant; or something that is easily brushed to the side... then why can't I shake it, in even my strongest of moments?

At age 18 I put my faith in a God that I was told knew everything about my past, present, and future... and I was told that He still loved me enough to give up His life to save mine. I felt the acceptance that only His love can provide to a soul that had always felt inadequate. By the time I was 18 I had totally bought into the lies that told me I would never be good enough... smart enough... hansom enough... I swam to the deepest parts of these lies and waded there until I got too tired to keep my head above those dark waters... I sunk to the dark bottom of the lies that keep kids from seeing the love of their parents or the brightness of the minds the Lord has given them or the goodness the Lord places in their hearts. I lived with the knowledge that I would never stack up against the other kids. I knew I would never have the dashing good looks of the guys that always got the girl. Then somehow, a light pierced through the murky waters of this worlds lies. The Lord lifted me out of the muddy waters and washed me with His truth and love until I was clean...

I am now 25 with hair that is quickly greying and a back that aches and bows like a 50 year old! I have lived some life that has been great and fulfilling and I have days in my past that have caused pain and sleepless nights that sometimes still feel like they haven't ended. I have seen the Lord pursue me like a lover even when it felt like the entire world had walked away. He has restored a heart that had been broken into thousands of pieces. And even today, He has given me a summer of new beginnings in a pair of green eyes that look at me with mystery and affection. I have felt acceptance in abundance... it has actually been tangible: it has touched my shoulder, wrapped it's arms around me, and spoken soft words to the rough places of my life. The Lord has given me the strength and courage to trust. He has given me the boldness to speak the words that He has laid on my heart...

So why, even in the face of all this, do I feel inadequate? Why is there still this place in me that feels less than what the scriptures tells me that I am? How can I still feel insignificant and in sufficient? Because I know the scriptures and how they tell me the power and transcendence of the Lord that calls me son. I know where it says I can move mountains... so why can't I move this mountainous feeling of inadequacy? How have I found my way back to these murky waters after being blinded by the perfect light of salvation and love?...

The word "I" has filled this page... and I think it also answers most of my questions. I am the reason I feel inadequate. There are those who want to give too much credit to the great deceiver of this world... but he cannot force me force me to do or feel anything. While he knows all the right ways to engage and cultivate these emotions... it is still me who acts on and trusts these feelings instead of living in the faith and promises of the Lord. I am not trying to be too hard on myself or not give enough respect to the pain and transgressions that has found its way into my past. This is a hard place for me to stand right now. Because, the Lord has allowed me to be in a peaceful and joyous time in my life, but I still allow insecurities to shape and shift my actions.

Lord, give me the strength to believe you, to run to you, to trust you... help me get your words to move from my head and into my heart... break me all over again if it gets me to the place where your words are louder than those of this dark and lonesome world!

Camping on the Side of a Mountain

I spent last week at Falls Creek Church Camp in Oklahoma. I went with the Cowboy Church of Athens youth group. The youth pastor (Scot Bonner) of the church is good friend of mine, and he was also my youth pastor during my senior year of high school. Over the last seven years of my life this guy has spoken truth into my life during the good and bad times. He has also given me a friendship that has weather immature moments, jokes that have gone too far, and me not being able to properly back up even the smallest of trailers with a truck. So, when he asked me if I would go to camp with him as a sponsor to help him carry the teaching load and wrestle a group of 21 kids I couldn't say no.

During my senior year I attended Falls Creek as a student. I went to that camp as a lost kid that knew all the right answers, but never had an actual confrontation with Jesus. I left that camp as a son of the living God with the salvation of Jesus Christ poured into my heart. So, I was excited about the opportunity to go back to the physical place where Jesus reached down into my mess of a life and saved me.

From the moment that those kids started arriving at the church to head off for camp, I knew I had gotten myself into some trouble. I watched the group as they unloaded their bags from their parents cars, hug their parents good-bye, and then load their bags into the camp trailer. Some where nervous, while others looked like they didn't care about anything was about to happen at a stupid church camp. This was a group of individuals that had never cared about how their actions effected the group as a whole. All of the kids piled into the different vehicles. I drove a truck with four of the upper class boys... that wasn't the best idea Scot ever had.

The entire trip up to Oklahoma was filled with fart jokes, good music, us guys getting to know each other, and the boys taking off their shirts while dancing as we zoomed passed the car that had most of the girls in the group... like I said it wasn't the brightest of Scot's ideas. We had a great time driving slightly faster than the other cars in group, getting lost, the boys play fighting in the back.

We made it to the camp, and camp life immediately started. The dorm was filled with uncomfortable bunk beds, a faint smell of urine, and showers that trickled water instead of actually spraying water. But, from the beginning camp was good to the group. There where more laughter than tears (for the most part). It was like pulling teeth to get some of the guys go to sleep when the lights turned off, and it took literally pulling some of the guys out of bed in the morning.

Every morning I woke up earlier than the guys, and sat in silence as the sun made it's appearance from behind the mountain. The crisp morning air reminded me that the Lord moves in our lives and refreshes the tired soul of those who take the time to stay still long enough. As I would be preparing for the morning bible study, some of the guys would wake up and sit on the porch as they prepared themselves for a morning run. During those morning hours i was able to get to know the hearts of a couple of the guys. As I am thinking back to those morning conversations, I can recognize how men along the way had done the same thing for me in my life. It is a humbling experience when you recognize how the Lord is allowing you to be a part of the kingdom work He is accomplishing.

As the week progressed the kids became more of a group than individuals forced to stay in the same dorm. Scot and I watched as the older girls started spending more and more of their free time with the junior-high girls. You could see a spark in the eyes of the younger girls as they sat at the same dinner table as the older girls. There where those kids that always sat slightly at a distance from the group. I'm not sure if they couldn't trust the other kids because they had been hurt in the past, or if they just enjoyed the solitude...either way, I hope they know that the love of our Heavenly Father is bigger than any bully they might face and it runs deeper than any pain we feel in our lives.

By the end of the week there where three kids that gave their lives to the Lord, at least three that rededicated themselves to the Lord, and two of the girls surrendered to the ministry. There was over 200 kids in the entire camp the entered into the family of the Lord. It was a beautiful thing to watch. While I wrestled with my own set inner turmoil, the sight of all those kids giving their lives to a loving God was soothing. I hear the Lord whispering to me: "Chad, it's okay. Remember when you walked this aisle, and I promised never to leave you? I'm still here, even if you struggle with ways people come to me." Here is a truth about me: I am a jaded guy, that still has a hard time trusting Jesus with a childlike faith. And sitting at camp watching the Lord move and sweep across that mountain has done a number on my heart. There where mornings that I sat in the shadow that that mountain trying to find words to pray to my Lord... and none came. My thought where all over the map. My heart was pumping with a pain, because I had gotten to the place where I thought I knew what was best for the Lord. I thought I knew what style of music was best for the Lord. I thought my words would be the best for the Lord. Like a lot of people that get an ego, I forgot how the Lord knows so much more than me. He knows every strand of hair my head (or where ever else that hair is). I am thankful that the Lord is patient with us.

Driving away from camp was a good feeling. It was a good time, filled with the spirit of God and lots of fun. But, just like those students in the youth group, it was time for me to walk down from that mountain and back into the life the Lord has called me to live. The truth is, life is not meant to be lived on an emotional high. The Lord calls us to stay on a level surface when we walk with him. He doesn't want us to get to high on the emotions this world draws us to, and he doesn't want us to fall down to low when we feel burdened. He wants us to trust Him with the big and small things, while we continue to explore Him.

I love those kids for the Cowboy Church in Athens, Texas. They have taught me more more than I probably tried to teach them.

The Power of Know

What does it mean to be known? In Genesis we read that Adam knew Eve... but that isn't even what I am talking about because...well... the major emphasis of the text is on sex (not entirely, but the majority). There is a worship song that says: "All of life comes down to just this one thing: To know you Lord Jesus, and to make you known..." While the song is absolutely true... I am not totally sure that is what I am asking either. I guess what I'm asking is: What does it mean to know someone?

What does it mean to get to know someone? If you believe 90% of the movies today, getting to know someone means finding out how to get into someones pants... and that isn't even close to what I am asking. How does one go about getting to know another person? I'm not sure how exactly to proceed through the rest of this...but I will try anyway.

I've been spending some time getting to know someone. It has been...well... it is hard to describe because it has been challenging. Have you ever wondered what someone is thinking? Well, that is the constant state that I am finding myself. I am constantly wondering what she is thinking. What is she thinking about the movie we just watched, what does she think about the stupid shirt I am wearing (is this shirt even clean?), what does she think about the stupid comment I just said (I can't believe what I just said!), what is she thinking about me. Does she think I'm worth knowing?

Another part of this is the person that I am presenting to her. Am I showing her who I really am? Am I being truthful when she asks me what I think? Every time she presents me with such a question, I face a choice. Will I tell her the truth, or will I tell her something I think she wants to hear... but there is a problem there, because... I don't know what she wants to hear, because I don't know her that well yet. So, I am forced (thankfully) to just tell her the truth, no matter how bad I think it might make me look. And, that is the game of getting to know someone. You constantly throw your junk on the table of vulnerability saying, "This is who I am, and the crap that goes on inside of me... Take it or leave it!" And you do this with the hopes that she wont run away screaming... or pull out her pepper spray and use it on me like a mexican burrito.

I must be honest, and say that I want to get to know more about her the more I get to know her. There is this growing desire to find out what she thinks about everything... I mean everything. I want to know what her favorite flower is. I want to know what she thinks about my facial hair. What does she think about the God-Head? Does she think about the mercy and justice of the Lord she professes a love for? Does she think I am funny or a nut job with a potty mouth? And it is scary...but in a good way.

I guess what I am saying is, it is scary to have a person that wants to get to know you. It is scary when a person wants to spend the time it takes to see if you are truly the person you are saying you are. It is scary because what happens if you aren't what they are looking for? What happens if rejection enters into the equation? That is scary...but I must honestly say that if getting to know this girl comes with the risk of rejection... I'll take my chances. I'll take those odds if it affords me the chance to truly see what a daughter of my Lord is like. I won't hide in fear of rejection when something like this is waiting for my honesty.

The beautiful thing is this: There is a God that knows me better than I know myself, and He never runs away from me. He never looks at all my junk and rejects me. He draws closer to me the more I honestly approach him. And the relationships that we enter into with other people is a reflection of being known by Him. When people draw closer together in relationships , friendships, families, or attraction, they are mirroring the passions that the Lord has for us. It's a beautiful, scary, and messy thing to be known... But it is worth every ounce of hardship, reange of emotions, and the ackward steps it takes. Breath deep and drink aboundantly of His love and mercy... And know that He knows the good that He placed in you... even if it has been covered up with dirt and filth.

The Quietness Of a Child

I was taking a ride with a friend yesterday. He was trying to be positive about the day his family had endured... but to be honest, it wasn't working that well. He tried to make jokes or change the subject, but the conversation inevitable returned to the hard day he was having. It would go silent in the van (except the babbling of his youngest daughter in the back seat) as he watched the landscape zoom by through his window.

My buddy has four beautiful children (three boys and a girl). The moment you walk into his house you see their artwork framed and hanging on the walls. There are countless family pictures scattered throughout the house. There are more toys in this house than most day cares have. There is no doubt how much these kids mean to my friends. If there is one thing that you notice above all other things in the house are thousands of letters. Plastic multi-colored letters, magnetic letters, thin foamy letter, letters on the side of small building blocks...My friends have an autistic child who loves letters. The first time you met this youngster, you have no clue that he is any different than his siblings... or any other child for that matter. He sits among the thousands of letters and separates them into words or places them in alphabetical order. He keeps his head down and concentrates on the letters. He looks brilliant as he sifts through the different colored letters. You can see his mind working... he keeps looking until he finds the exact letter he was looking for. You would never know there was anything different about him at first glance... but you sit there and watch him work... five, ten, fifteen minutes go by and he never acknowledges your presents. He isn't placing the letters in order for your approval... it is as if he doesn't care that you are there. His actions do not hinge on your approval... he is in his own place.

As you watch him, your heart slowly starts to hurt. You call his name because you want to connect...he continues to spell word after word. You sit beside him on the floor and ask him what he is spelling... he doesn't respond to your words, but he is quick to push you out of the way if you have sat on the letter he needs to finish his latest word. You feel helpless as you watch... and this isn't even YOUR child. Your mind races to the parents.

Yesterday, my friends had a conference with their sons therapist. They where reminded how hard their son's life might be. It broke their hearts all over again. It was his birthday yesterday... parents shouldn't feel such a weight on their child's birthday. They watched him destroy the icing off of two cupcakes. I smiled as I watched him go to town; then I looked back at his mother. You could see the remains of a tear filled afternoon. It was a bittersweet moment for her. She tells her husband that she wants to be positive and faithful because the Lord has given her such a great gift in her children... but it isn't coming easy for her (what an amazing gal, she is). What do you say? What is there to say?

"My wife took one on the chin today!" my friend says as he breaks the silence. Everyday she takes care of these great kids. I watch these people be Godly parents. They speak love and affection to all of their kids... even if not all of them yet fully understand what love is. There is almost nothing more beautiful than the sight of a child sitting on their father lap. The Lord constantly shows us glimpses of Himself as our father.

Lamentations 3:22-24 "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."

This morning my friends had to wake up with their children and restarted the cycle again... just like they have done for years. Nothing had changed for the family when the sun came up today. Autism is still a part of their day...but so is the love of the Father. This morning the Lord poured out new mercy on the households of His children. For my friends, this means new strength to love their children no matter how hard it might be... even if they never receive such a love in return... "The Lord is my portion, therefore I will hope in him."