I walked through a busy store the other day, and I knew I wasn't alone. That might sound funny to some, but it is not that uncommon to stand in the midst of a crowd and still feel all alone... it happens to us more than we would like to admit. I watched as people walked past me in this store, and I noticed that I wasn't the only one in the store that was annoyed at the fact that there where other people around. In fact, there where many of us that where angry at the nerve of these other people that thought they could shop in the same place as us. "This is Wal-Mart for crying out loud! What gives anyone but me the right the be here?", I thought as I waited my turn to reach for something on the shelf... While I am writing this story in jest, it is pointing me to a truth about me right now... My heart is restless and it is making my angry!
It never fails that around this time of the year I have this urgent yearning to run away. I just want to get the "heck" out of here. I almost don't care where I go, just get me away from this place. But, this time it's different. There is a groaning that has been consistently escaping from my soul. A groaning that there is something terribly wrong with me... I'm out of rhythm with my Creator. I'm not walking in the ways he created me to walk. Caedmon's Call has a great new album "Overdressed", and there is an amazing song called "Hold the Light". There is a line that says, "It's been a long year, like a sleepless night. Jacob wrestled the angel, but I'm too tired to fight..." I feel those words more than I want to. The song is referencing the Old Testament story where Jacob wrestled with the angel of the Lord, and walked away with a limp to remind him of the struggle. I don't have a physical limp for the crap that is going on inside me. I'm tired of feeling the need to post thoughts like this for all of you to see. I'm tired of feeling like every step taken is off the path the Lord has laid for me. I am restless, and I want to get away from this season of my life... even though I know the Lord is using this to sanctify me... and I'm getting too tired to fight Him... and maybe that's for the best...
"Lord break me down, and strip away all the garbage in my filthy heart! I'm tired of these dirty heartaches that I have been wearing like royal clothing... they are robbing me of You! I don't want to fight you anymore! I just want some peace about who You are and what you are doing in and for me! I just want you to hold me and let me know that I haven't gone too far away from you! I want to believe in your forgiveness again, but it's hard to see from the garbage I'm swimming in! Help me to find a place to slow down and be still... God save me from myself, even though you already have!"
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