Peace Found In the Pieces

You don't have to stand beside an ocean to feel small. You don't have to be alone to feel lonely. And, you don't have to speak to say the wrong thing. My lack of confidence makes me feel small every morning when I wake up. I feel the most lonely in a large group of people. And, the words I say with my silence yell louder than my vocal cords could ever muster.

I say these things not to be mellow dramatic... Well maybe I am, but I realized something that makes this exhausting life seem easier to swallow. As I spend these long hours wondering about my words and planning my actions; I am trying to construct something useless. We Christians like to speak of brokenness as if it is a place we once lived but we have seemed to lost the directions to get us back there. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure if brokenness is a state of mind or a place to camp. I know that we are to grow in the Lord, but I don't think we are supposed to out grow the displacement that our brokenness gave us. What am I saying? I spend so much time and energy trying to "feel" better or "look" better in front of people or "speak" better to my Creator... And all this does is exhaust my soul... And I have the feeling that I'm not the only one.

I remember the day I accepted Jesus' gift of Salvation. It felt as if I had stopped running or dropped the world of weight I felt on my shoulders. I was free to breath without trying to earn the air... But over the past couple of months I have started to putting the weight back on my shoulders while putting my running shoes back on. It as if I have a bottle of glue in my hand, and I am trying to paste myself together in a way that is more attractive. I don't want to say anything that might make anyone uncomfortable. I don't want act upset, because my social status is already so low... But, I remember the peace in my heart when I told the Lord that I was screwed up, and I remember the time He took with me when I asked Him to sit with me as I cried. This might sound less than what a "mature Christian" would say, but I know we all need a break from this stressful life and just breath, laugh, take a drink, sit in the shower for a while, or cry for the sake of crying. We are not to stay in these places for long periods of time. We must put one foot in front of the other... But that doesn't mean we forget what broke us in the first place. For me, I know I spend too much time in the shower(that sounds funny), but I see too many people acting like they have it all together... But you just see them crumbling on the inside when you look into their eyes. I am not trying to speak of others, just for me... And I'm not sure that I made any sense!

A Prayer For Honesty

In a attempt at honesty, I must confess a prayer of mine that I lift to the heavens:

"Lord, take me to a different place. Take me to snow capped mountains, where the pine trees' greens are covered by blankets of snow. I want to see my breath in front of me as I release the cold air from my lungs. Let me feel the freedom of looking down at the world from a high altitude. Lord, replace this concrete world I daily wake to with cool meadows of high grass, that bend with every wind you send. Show me flowers that I have never seen. Let me watch the leaves turn form green to red and yellow. Lord, take me to the base of the Red Wood's. Let me try and wrap my arms around their great trunks. Lord, let me swim under the great waterfalls tucked away in the rain forests I only read about. Let me play in a Portland rain storm. Let me stand beside the ocean and feel just how big you might be. Let me lay beneath a clear Montana sky and watch your stars wink at me. Take me to the fish of Alaska, I promise I will cook them with the reverence they deserve! Let me feel how tiny Rhode Island is, because I already know how big Texas is. Lord, take me any where, just take me away from the place you have me. I want to see the great beauty the world has, because I refuse to see the beauty in the city that I live."

I am a selfish man. I understand that there is nothing wrong with the passion I have in my heart. I believe God gave me the urge to explore and stand in awe of His creation. My selfishness lies in the allowing this passion to overshadow what he has for me here. He has placed me in this Metroplex, working at a coffee shop for a great reason... I just don't want to see this reason. I just want to see snow and different colored leaves, and I want to live in the ideals that I have of those places.

Just trying to find the strength to live in honesty.

The Cynics Heart

Don't ask me how I came across this article, I just did. As I read this, I sometimes felt as if this lady knew me, and heard some of the comments that I have made in the years since I gave my life over to the Lord. It did my heart good, to hear that I am not the only person that struggles with not allow my cynic attitude to control my view of the church at large, the building I go to on Sunday's, and the great God that I don't know well enough to question (but I question non the less). The article is long, but worth the read!

http://www.imagodeicommunity.com/article/confessions-of-a-recovering-cynic-by-jan-carson

What Are Words Good For?

Everyday I speak to people. I open my mouth and form words. Words that I hope have purpose and some meaning. I manage people at work while trying to find the proper balance of words to show grace and authority at the same time. When I am out to eat, I always try to say "thank you" and make my waiter feel like a human being instead of a robot. On a normal day, I feel that I have used my words well... Not great, but not as big of a jerk as I have been in the past.

Every time I start putting a lot of weight on the words I use, I find myself in a situation where my words have about as much use as snow tires in Texas. This past year I held my brother as he wept after his father-in-law passed away. I grew up this the man crying in front of me, and there was nothing I could say to help the pain go away. I felt so small as my brother fell to pieces in spite of my words. And this weekend I was reminded how small I felt that night as I sat in the hospital with my father as my step-mother lay in bed with medications being pumped into her through tubes. The three of us sat in the room laughing as best we could, but there was always nervousness in the air because nurses had to come in and give her shots and check the monitors for whatever information they where looking for.

As I drove away from the hospital last night, I felt no sense of accomplishment or gratification because of the words I spoke. She was still sick, and the doctors didn't know for sure what was wrong. It blew my mind that even after me spending five hours in her hospital room filling the air with my words, she was still sick. If my words made no impact, should I even say anything? If my words had no weight on the world around me, then what was my worth? As those thoughts rattled around my head, I remembered my father walking me out to my truck as I left the hospital. He thanked me for spending time with them. He told me that it meant a lot to them that I was there.

There are no magical words that someone can posses to fix everyone's problems. And sometime the more we try to find the right words, the more we end up putting our foot in our mouths. There is more power in being invested in peoples lives, than saying the right thing at the right time. Jesus taught us that he would give us the words to speak on his behalf. That give me comfort and boldness to speak my heart, and to constantly be involved in peoples lives. But I still must be honest, I want my words to have the power to change situations, and heal hurting people... And this blog is proof that I still think my words have such weight (how silly of me!).