I have always loved this piece of art. It is by a guy named Chris Koelle. Every time I look at it I feel a depth inside me that I am not sure what to do with. It's as if I am standing by the Grand Canyon, looking down into vast space. When I look at the twilight of this drawing I see a journey. You know those journeys people take to find something they don't have? Those journeys people step out on to follow a calling that they feel has been placed on their lives? Those journeys that have inspired books to be written, and those books inspire people to make a movie. That is the journey that I see when I look at the caverns and trees of this drawing. In the foreground you can see a tiny beaten path that has been forged by people taking such a journey.
Have you ever felt that? Have you ever felt the weight of a journey like that? You stand in comforts of the life you have been leading, but something doesn't feel complete... there is something more... something you are being called to. I have... I do. I think there is a search that is constantly brewing inside all of us. A search for some sort of silver lining in the situation we are in... if we find that silver lining, we want to know where that silver is coming from. We want to know where the light that illuminates that silver is. Because we want to be there! We want to be where the light is easy to see. We want to feel the warmth of the shining sun. We look at the damp darkness that life can often times surround us with, and our souls cry out of more than this. It screams, "I was meant for more than darkness and the dust that cages me here!" We catch a glimpse of that silver lining in our circumstances and we want more! So we set out toward the illuminated horizon which our being feels called to. We back up our things. We say our goodbyes. We try our best to answer the questions that people ask when they don't understand. We take deep breaths as we stand by the road. We look both ways before we put our feet on that road. Because we know that once we feel the texture beneath our feet we will never be the same. Not knowing where the road is leading... in faith we put one foot in front of the other.
We keep looking toward the horizons at that light. We travel for days. We take our shoes off as we walk because it feels like holy ground that we are on. We give ourselves totally over to the calling to travel that we feel. We climb a hill called "fear" thinking that beyond this hill is the light. Because, surely the steep and tall hill of "fear" is high enough to see the light from. We get to the top of "fear" hill to find that the light is still so far away. And just as this drawing shows, there are more dark valleys that must be crossed before the land of light can be reached. In that moment there is so much despair that over takes you. You sit and weep about the new distance that you must journey through. Hope is hard to find. Darkness seems to surround you again, so you sit down and try to force yourself to embrace this new truth that has been forced on you.
Out of the corner of your eye you see a small flicker of dim light. You look around trying to capture it again, but it has moved. You are so frantic for any source of light that can give you some hope. Then you see it again. It moved closer... then further along the road. You get up to get a closer look. It's a firefly. It's awe inspiring. It's small, but it's full of symbolism. So you keep walking.
I've been listening to a guy named Thad Cockrell. He has a song called "A Country of My Own". It has been speaking to my heart of some time now. I am realizing that I am looking for something of my own! I am looking for a sense of home. A country that seems to fit who I am. A place that still causes me to be stretched, but also a place to grow. Every time I think I have found it (or that I have been called to it), it isn't what it appeared. Something doesn't work out. There is nothing for me there. My heart feels dryer there than any place that I have been before. People don't understand why I am there. There are so many reasons, like these, that have seemed to be the common thread as I have been trying to find this "Country of My Own". This "home" or "country" isn't necessarily a physical place. I have found many new places with the Lord, as I have stood still! However, I am still standing just past a leap of faith with my direction darken. I have a calling from the Lord... but it's hard to find much more than that right now! It's like jogging in place to get your legs warm for long run... but an hour later you haven't ran an inch, but your legs sure are tired from an hours worth of running. You want to see how far you can run. You want to see how well you can run the distance that is laid before you. But someone or something stands in your way telling you to wait. Telling you that it isn't your time yet. Telling you to keep preparing for your turn. But your legs get more and more tired.
"What now?", is all that I can seem to say to the Lord right now. What does He want me to do?
