What happens to a born-again Christian when their world grows dark? When their world seems distant from the richness of God? Where does a believer turn when their soul has seemed to dry up? What is this soul to do with Jesus' words, "I am living water" when only dust is kicked up by their steps? What happened to me... when did this happen?
If I could be totally honest with anyone who is reading this, I would be forced to say that it has been a long time since I have felt the rushing waters of Jesus wash over me. My days have been marked by an overwhelming dryness. It seems that I woke up one day to find that I am a cynical, dry, unloving bastard! (If you are someone who has personally walked through this life with me for any length of time, and are having thoughts that I am being to hard on myself...keep those thought to yourself, and keep reading! This is not the classic Chad that has a low view of himself... this is a humbled Chad that is finding out just how little he understands!...keep reading.) While I know this did not happen over night, it seems that I have always been this way... but I know that can't be true... but I can't remember that last time I looked out on this landscape of my Christ restored life and did not have something cynical to say about: the church, pastors, the music on Christian radio or in church service, "so-called" Christians, or myself. It is overwhelming for my to think that I might actually be nothing more than a sore than a helping hand. What if I have become more of hindrance to the Gospel than an agent of it? Where did I turn the wrong way? My God, when was the last time I took a step that was in sync with yours?
I know this is a lot coming from a guy like me. I know this is a lot of junk to throw into one post on this stupid blog... but I feel like I have no choice.
I do not want to sound arrogant, because this is going to come out all wrong...but it is the best way I can say it right now. I don't have a problem seeing the big picture that God is painting... for the most part. When I look at the situations and events in my life, I can usually see the bigger things at work behind what is physically happening. I have no problem seeing that the Lord is teaching me this or that when things get "hard". I, for the most part, do a "good job" of keeping a level head about what happens in the day-to-day. Even when things start to feel like they are crushing me... I find a way to see the larger things that the Lord is doing. For those of you who have been with me for the past 2 to 3 years have seen me stumble through divorce and heartache. While there where major points of discontentment and hurt, I could always see that the Lord was using the situation to bring me to a closer dependence on Him. He was trying to draw her back to Him. He was purifying me through fire to get me to a point where I would be better used by Him. This was the lens in which I walked through my divorce. While there was pain and questions during long nights, I never truly questioned who God was or His love for me. I only say all of that to say this: I can see the Lord moving in and around me... but it rarely moves me to a stirring passion of action and worship! How does that happen? How does a believer see the hand of God with a moderate clarity and it not affect Him that same way it moved David or Paul? When did I loose a passion for the workings of the Lord?
I have a problem sitting through a church service. While I am surrounded by believers raising their hands and singing praise to the same Lord that I love... all I can do is wonder if it is real. In my head I question their actions. I don't think that I am better or more authentic... I just question them. Are they just being emotional? Are they just wanting to look good? Let me stop and simply say this: I question them because I am not moved to such actions... and maybe it is starting to eat at me that they seemingly feel something about my God that I don't. There is a void in me that seemingly should not be there. So here is the nuts and bolts of my situation right now:
I have no passion for the Lord! I love Him, and I know that He is my salvation. But, I have a dry soul. The scriptures speak of a mystery found in the life and working of the Lord... but I find no mystery in what I see day-to-day. Don't get me wrong I still look at a sunset and wonder how He does it. I have a contentment about the Lord that most people seek after (I'm not boasting, just try to sort this crap out!!). My problem is my contentment that tells me the Lord is good and loves me enough to know me before I was even borne, it is keeping from a passion that wets my appetite to see Him move. It is keeping me from finding a mystery in Him that breaks me. I'm not looking for an emotional moment, just a moment that knocks me on my ass! I want to see something that has nothing to do with me but is altogether larger than anything that i could ever do. But I fear that I am not going to find it here. The mystery of God has escaped me, or maybe I have such a high view of myself that I have blinded myself from it. Maybe I think I have everything figured out that I have no need to be in awe of how great the Lord is... I hope that is not it. I hope I am humble enough to know that I am a fractured awful excuse for a son of the risen Lord. I hope my heart isn't hardened to the point that I feel I am equal with the Lord. I just want to find the place where I can marvel at the Lord. That place where He is beautiful in His small and big ways! Because I see Him moving... it just returns void on me right now. I want to be mystified at His dealing with this world. I want a passion that moves me to action!
So, with ALL of that said, this is my journey right now: The mystery of the Lord and a passion for him.
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