Inadequate- not adequate: IN SUFFICIENT
This is the way Webster defines "inadequate". When they put it like that, it doesn't sound so bad... in fact, it sounds inconsequential (illogical: IRRELEVANT: of no significance: UNIMPORTANT). Looking at these definitions that attempt to define what I am feeling, they make this feeling of inadequacy seem small. Small, as if one could simply crush it beneath their shoe as they walk through life. If that is true, if inadequacy is irrelevant and unimportant; or something that is easily brushed to the side... then why can't I shake it, in even my strongest of moments?
At age 18 I put my faith in a God that I was told knew everything about my past, present, and future... and I was told that He still loved me enough to give up His life to save mine. I felt the acceptance that only His love can provide to a soul that had always felt inadequate. By the time I was 18 I had totally bought into the lies that told me I would never be good enough... smart enough... hansom enough... I swam to the deepest parts of these lies and waded there until I got too tired to keep my head above those dark waters... I sunk to the dark bottom of the lies that keep kids from seeing the love of their parents or the brightness of the minds the Lord has given them or the goodness the Lord places in their hearts. I lived with the knowledge that I would never stack up against the other kids. I knew I would never have the dashing good looks of the guys that always got the girl. Then somehow, a light pierced through the murky waters of this worlds lies. The Lord lifted me out of the muddy waters and washed me with His truth and love until I was clean...
I am now 25 with hair that is quickly greying and a back that aches and bows like a 50 year old! I have lived some life that has been great and fulfilling and I have days in my past that have caused pain and sleepless nights that sometimes still feel like they haven't ended. I have seen the Lord pursue me like a lover even when it felt like the entire world had walked away. He has restored a heart that had been broken into thousands of pieces. And even today, He has given me a summer of new beginnings in a pair of green eyes that look at me with mystery and affection. I have felt acceptance in abundance... it has actually been tangible: it has touched my shoulder, wrapped it's arms around me, and spoken soft words to the rough places of my life. The Lord has given me the strength and courage to trust. He has given me the boldness to speak the words that He has laid on my heart...
So why, even in the face of all this, do I feel inadequate? Why is there still this place in me that feels less than what the scriptures tells me that I am? How can I still feel insignificant and in sufficient? Because I know the scriptures and how they tell me the power and transcendence of the Lord that calls me son. I know where it says I can move mountains... so why can't I move this mountainous feeling of inadequacy? How have I found my way back to these murky waters after being blinded by the perfect light of salvation and love?...
The word "I" has filled this page... and I think it also answers most of my questions. I am the reason I feel inadequate. There are those who want to give too much credit to the great deceiver of this world... but he cannot force me force me to do or feel anything. While he knows all the right ways to engage and cultivate these emotions... it is still me who acts on and trusts these feelings instead of living in the faith and promises of the Lord. I am not trying to be too hard on myself or not give enough respect to the pain and transgressions that has found its way into my past. This is a hard place for me to stand right now. Because, the Lord has allowed me to be in a peaceful and joyous time in my life, but I still allow insecurities to shape and shift my actions.
Lord, give me the strength to believe you, to run to you, to trust you... help me get your words to move from my head and into my heart... break me all over again if it gets me to the place where your words are louder than those of this dark and lonesome world!
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