The Year In Review

My head can get clouded very easily. My view of myself is constantly getting too high or too low. My head can swell like a balloon around my personal thoughts of my goodness. I can become prideful of the stupidest parts of who I am. And on the flip side, I can force myself into the deepest, stickiest pits of low self-worth. I use the word "force" because there are time when I want to feel less than I might be. There is nothing healthy about these types of actions. What drives a person to "want" to live eye level with the dirt. Why would a person want to sink into hurt and pain? Why do I want to feel this pain of the past? To be honest, I would drather be know for shades of arrogance than to swim in pools of self loathing.
It has been a year since, what I thought was, my life walked away from me. She took her ball and went home... And I think she took some of my DVD's as well! As I look back over this "journey" to this point, I see a kid that has done a lot of growing. But there has been a lot of pain in my steps. There have been laughs and good things that have happened to me as well. I have watched the Lord move His hand in my favor. I have seen prayers answered, but not the way I asked him to answer them. And, I haven't deserved a bit of it. There is much for me to be thankful for, and I am...But my head can get clouded sometimes.
Even my moments of thankful clarity are bitter sweet. Pain stabs at wounds that haven't healed. There is comfort in the pain of the past. I think it is comferting because we own the pain. It is ours to feel and "get through". It becomes part of the person we find ourselves becoming. I find this true in my life. I keep my divorce close because it is inevitable that the wound will open again at some point... If it will be opened again, I should be the one to do it. I have to remind myself that I didn't do this to myself. I made mistakes, but leaving wasn't one of them. It has been a year...Wow! Now it's time to "move on". Time to move past what once was. Now it is time for me to allow myself to be more than the painful past. Full steam ahead... I have a feel this is going to hurt just as bad. I hope I really meant that!