The Year In Review

My head can get clouded very easily. My view of myself is constantly getting too high or too low. My head can swell like a balloon around my personal thoughts of my goodness. I can become prideful of the stupidest parts of who I am. And on the flip side, I can force myself into the deepest, stickiest pits of low self-worth. I use the word "force" because there are time when I want to feel less than I might be. There is nothing healthy about these types of actions. What drives a person to "want" to live eye level with the dirt. Why would a person want to sink into hurt and pain? Why do I want to feel this pain of the past? To be honest, I would drather be know for shades of arrogance than to swim in pools of self loathing.
It has been a year since, what I thought was, my life walked away from me. She took her ball and went home... And I think she took some of my DVD's as well! As I look back over this "journey" to this point, I see a kid that has done a lot of growing. But there has been a lot of pain in my steps. There have been laughs and good things that have happened to me as well. I have watched the Lord move His hand in my favor. I have seen prayers answered, but not the way I asked him to answer them. And, I haven't deserved a bit of it. There is much for me to be thankful for, and I am...But my head can get clouded sometimes.
Even my moments of thankful clarity are bitter sweet. Pain stabs at wounds that haven't healed. There is comfort in the pain of the past. I think it is comferting because we own the pain. It is ours to feel and "get through". It becomes part of the person we find ourselves becoming. I find this true in my life. I keep my divorce close because it is inevitable that the wound will open again at some point... If it will be opened again, I should be the one to do it. I have to remind myself that I didn't do this to myself. I made mistakes, but leaving wasn't one of them. It has been a year...Wow! Now it's time to "move on". Time to move past what once was. Now it is time for me to allow myself to be more than the painful past. Full steam ahead... I have a feel this is going to hurt just as bad. I hope I really meant that!

Quick Question

I just want to pose a question. Where does our past stop and the future begin? Because if we are who we are today because of the past we have lived, where does the past stop? I want to fully give myself over to the possibilities that today and the future hold, but what about past that I still live in? My skin is burned from last week, so I am still wearing last week. I have grey hair caused by years of stuff, so I am constantly reminded of the past. I guess what I am trying to say is that the past doesn't stop just because the sun sets everyday. It seems to always be with me. Hard part about the past is finding a way not to allow myself to be a slave to it, because Christ has broken those chains...So why do I keep trying to put them back on?

Man Made Fences

All over the church you hear the phrase: “If you wait until you clean up your act to come to Jesus, you will never come.” What a true statement, but I fear that we believe that statement stop applying to us once we accept the salvation that Christ offers. I don’t know how many times I have intentionally tried to hide from the Lord until I got things straight. I do it all the time. I mess up, like I always do, and then I think I can “fix it”. I think I can solve the problems that arise in my life. I want to use the right words to talk to him with. I understand that there is a lot that I can control and that I have some power over some things in my life. But there is a lot that I can’t control. I get myself in a lot of trouble, and for some stupid reason, I want to believe that it puts a fence between my Father and me. I want to believe this because it helps me feed my ego; thinking that there is something I can do to make the Lord love me more… or less.
The truth is, no matter how long I wait to take things to the Lord, He already knows…and He has already forgiven me. The only fences built out of my sins are the ones that I try to box myself in out of guilt. Guilt doesn’t come from the Lord. He never makes us feel guilty; we do that to ourselves. He is always waiting for His children to stop being dramatic and just be His. I, more than anyone I know, want to make a production about how bad I “feel” about the position I find myself in. I want to talk to everyone I know about it. And, for some sick reason, I want to relive all the crap that I pull out of my past. When I do this, I am trying to put distance between the Lord and me. And while I know this isn’t possible, I try with all my might.
The point that I am trying to make is this: We should never wait to talk to the Lord about our lives. Pissed off? Tell him why. Happy? Let him share the moment with you. Hurting in ways you never thought possible? Let him take a moment to listen to you. Prayer is a dialog that starts with you being honest, but you have to find a place to start listening for him. I have come to understand that he understands every emotion that we can possibly feel, and not because he created them, but because he has experienced them first hand. There is nothing clean about the lives we lead. Nevertheless, He finds beauty in out attempts at perfection. 

Uncle Chad, Look at What I Can Do!

These are my brother’s kids, MaKayla and Evan. These are two of the best kids this world has ever seen. They also have all the energy a small city needs to keep it’s street lights lit. Two of the greatest words I heard last week where “Uncle Chad”… and I heard those words a lot. The acceptance that I hoped for was found the moment these kids saw me at the airport. I could see their faces light up with smiles. It is an amazing feeling to remember that there are people who love you for just being you. I looked in these kids eyes the entire week, and I saw love and forgiveness. The love in their eyes was there even after they got in trouble for not sharing toys. The forgiveness was always there, even after I wasn’t able to prevent Evan from falling down and hurting his knees.
Trust me, these kids aren’t perfect, and to be honest, I found myself wishing for a break from them at times. In spite of these imperfections, I came to understand why Christ said, “Let the children come.” And the statement, “Childlike faith” is easier said then done. I find it hard to not to be angry with those who tell me “no”, or to forgive those who fail me. I can’t seem to trust the Lord just because he says I should.
My trip to Florida was good. It was nothing like I expected, but it was what I needed. I was able to rest, but I had to work for it. I chased those kids until I was tired. But, I didn’t think about work the entire time I was there. The only books that I read where the books I wanted to read, not textbooks. And the times I looked into the sky for God, it wasn’t out of pain, it was out of praise. There was nothing exceptional about the vacation, but peace was found somewhere between the flight there and home.
So, now I am back to the real world. Back to work and school. I woke up in my own empty bed this morning, and it didn’t feel the same as I remembered. Now it’s time to live the rest of this life better than I lived the days of the past. Time to start stepping forward more than backwards. It’s funny to think that all of these thoughts came from those kids smiles. 

Burn Baby Burn!

Nathan and I had the great opportunity to watch a Spring Training game here in Florida. We sat on the side lawn and watched the entire game. It was the first live baseball game that the two of us watched together. The two of us love baseball. Both of us played ball in high school and we play catch every time we get together. We talked on the phone, long distance, during the last game of the World Series. We love to talk as if we could have made it to the "Big Show".
Two thing happened while we sat there and talked during that game. The first thing that happened was we had a great time while being away from our daily grind. Nathan did not have his kids crawling all over him, or he wasn't managing a deli that consumes his energy and mind. While Nathan loves his kids and enjoys his job, it was great for him not to have to focus on anything except being "Nathan". And, the same thing goes for me. For about three hours I didn't have to worry about getting a research paper done on time. I didn't have to worry about getting employees to "make coffee", and all of the other cleaning that has to be done at the store. And above all, for three hours I wasn't worried about being divorced. It was a great release for the two of us. We where able to just be brothers again. We wheren't trying to help each other with the issues that come up in our lives. We just laughed at each others jokes, traded stat's about our favorite teams, we got nachos and chili cheese fries, and made a promise to catch another game together. We where kids again... for three hours.
The second thing that happened during the game was a very bad sun burn! In the spirit of being kids, we where too excited to remember to put on sun block before we left for the game... and now it shows all over our faces and legs. We are lobsters. Lots and lots of pain!
While baseball is only a game, something Biblical happened during the nine innings we sat there, fellowship. Nathan and I encouraged each other while we watched the Braves beat the Dodgers. We affirmed each others lives through laughter. And we allowed each other to cut loose a little. There was joy found on the thrid-base line that day. I believe the Lord enjoys his children enjoying life. This life isn't meant to be merely "gotten through". It is meant to be enjoyed. And to be honest I have been just trying to get through today to get to tomorrow. And that is a miserable way to live. Heres to life, baseball, and the Lord that made both of them!

Looking for the Ocean

I am flying out to Orlando, Florida in the morning. I am going to see my brother, Nathan. I haven't seen him and his family in a while. I am looking forward spending some time with him and his kids. But, there is a more selfish reason for this trip. I am looking for a break. I am looking for some "me" time on the flight, and I want to see the ocean. I want to take hundreds of pictures of the water and the people around me. My goal is to catch up with my brother while I let my mind untie itself from the knots it has become twisted in.
I am so tired and I have so many balls in the air that I have been juggling for such a long time. I just want to let them drop for a couple of days while I take care of me for a while. Emotionally I am drained and physically I am tired. I haven't been able to observe the Sabith in such a long time. Maybe I will be able to just be "Uncle Chad" for a couple of days. Maybe Nathan's kids can give me some undeserved acceptance.
So that is the goal of the trip. I just want to "be" for a while. Maybe for a couple of days I will allow myself to enjoy the life the Lord has given me. Maybe I will find a way to let go of some of the things that I am binding myself with. There are alot of maybe's in my words tonight... hopefully I will come back to Dallas with a tan and not so many "maybe's".

 

Deep Blues

There are days when it is hard to find the strength to lift my head. My alarm goes off, and I just lay in a bed that will forever feel empty. There is nothing comforting about my bed, but somehow it feels better than the life that seems to be waiting for me to pull back the sheets. When did this life get so complicated that it takes a major decision to get me out of bed? Some days seem to be painted with deep blue strokes, and rays of sun have no chance at breaking through. What happens to the Christians that sometimes feel lost? The Christians that know the answers to the shallow questions they want to ask, what about them? I know where my salvation is found. And I also know there is more to my life than me. This doesn't change the weakness that I still feel from time to time. This doesn't change the pain that seems to grip me when I let my guard down. Tears form for unseen reasons, and laughter only happens when I reolize how rediculious I am being. But the weakness is still there.
Do these emotions have anything to do with my faith in Christ? Are these emotions my way of telling God that he is not enough for me, that I need more tan what he offers? Read the Psalms and you will read David talking about the same things I am talking about, but there is a difference... David follows his crys with statement of obdeince and faithfullness...I follow my questions with tears and more questions.
Not all days are like this, so I know that there is more to life than just me and my emotions. I know God is good and faithfull to me even when I am not. I see his goodness all around me, and I would even like to believe that I m part of that goodness. I would like to think that I am usefull to him in this sense. But the blue strokes run deep sometimes. But I know there is much more to this life than the blue.

Is grace worth dying for? I have been doing a lot of reading and thinking about what grace really is, and how in the world am I supposed to give more of it that I take. To be honest, these thoughts aren't pretty and I do not have much to be proud of. Grace can eat your lunch when you sit down with it. But is it meant to cut us in such a way? Is there any part of grace that is supposed to make us hurt and feel hardship?
When you hear the word grace, I believe your heart is supposed to smile. You mind is meant to go to places where people lend a hand to those in need, or other pretty places like the Cross... What about the Cross was pretty? Was it the man bloodied beyond recognition, was that pretty? Maybe it was the sin of the world that covered his body, was that pretty? While Christ walked the earth, His steps where grace filled. Even a mere touch of His robe caused grace spill onto those who touched it. It must have been a beautiful thing to behold...But that same grace caused Him the greatest pain imaginable. That same showing of grace caused hearts to be hardened when they saw it. It caused bitterness in the hearts of those who should have known enough to walk beside Him. I think I see some of those same bitter feeling bubbling inside of me.
So I ask again, "Is grace worth dying for?". Should it hurt? Should it cause us hardship? What I know for certain is that the grace that we are to freely give can cost us everything. So, why do I still have so much?