As I often do, I have been thinking a lot. And, I am brilliant! That was just a joke. But I have found new perspectives about this beautiful wreck I call my life. Let me unload this for ya’: For the longest time I have had this yearning for something. I thought I could satisfy it with a person, or a place other than Dallas, or a new computer or gadget to occupy my time. The worst part is, I sought these things with the knowledge that they wouldn't quench this yearning. I knowingly perused them, knowing that at the end of the day, I would still want more. How sad is that? But here is something new: I am scared!? I haven't really felt truely scared since I was little boy. So it is a little weird writing that I am scared. I am not scared that I might somehow find out that the Lord isn’t as sovereign as He says He is. I’m scared that I won’t find the joy in His plan for me.

Ever have that feeling? Ever looked at the path that you seem to be walking on and said to yourself: “I don’t want to do this anymore! This isn’t what I want!” I walked into my roommate’s room last night, and I sat down in a chair. He and his girlfriend where planning their evening together. I totally interrupted their plans by asking if they wanted to do go to the movies together. As we sat in the room talking about what movie to watch, I started to wonder why I was so desperate to go out with them. My head dropped and I said to them: “I don’t care what movie we watch, I just don’t want to be alone in this apartment on another Saturday night.” Here is something that I know about myself: I am horrible at being alone! I am, and I admit it. I have a horrible, sinful tendency to try to find fulfillment in another flawed human. I have done it all my life. See, I am the worst type of person: I know that I am doing wrong, but I do it anyway. So, I continue to equate fulfillment with my ability to make a girl laugh…or my ability to make my employee’s believe I have everything under control.

But, I know the truth about this yearning that I keep trying to quench with things that rust and fade away. The truth is, it comes from the Lord. The Lord has put this gut wrenching thing that feels like a pain in the pit of our soul that can only be filled by His presence. But, that is easier said then done. Because every chance we get, we try to run as far away from Him as we can. We fight with Him about His will for our lives. We tell Him "no" when He asks something of us that we don't want to give. So there is still this yearning. But, when we do the things He asks us to do, the yearning feels pleasant. When we connect in fellowship with those around us, the yearning is soothing to our beings. I am not saying there isn't pain and sacrifice, because there is. There is pain that sometimes feels unbearable. And the things that we want for ourselves might not happen. Jesus told us this life would be hard. He told us to expect this. He told us to take joy in the sufferings that we go through because of our faith... why did he say that? Why would he tell us that joy in our suffering is the proper response? How do we get to that point? How much do we have to loose before you are joyful for not having something you long for?

This life is a lot easier than we make it out to be. What would happen if we just loved the way He loves us? What would happen in our souls if we gave our time, emotions, and enregy as He does? Would we continue to try and fill our lives with silly things? Would we even care about our lives anymore? How nice would it be to stopped spending so much time worrying and "fixing" your life?

Just a Post

I'm not sure what I want to say with this moment. So it is no surprise that I am having such a hard time finding the right way to say it. There is a swarm of things that are beating up my insides. I think the best word for this is moment is "bittersweet". There are times when you have to understand the place you came from to know where you are going (I heard that somewhere). Well, I still don't have a clue where I'm headed... It's been a long time since I saw a future that held real answers for the questions I once asked. Please understand me: I have found joy... There is peace in His embrace... And His future for me is better than the past I see in my rear view mirror. With that said ("This is going to hurt a little" he told himself)...

You spend half your life walking toward something, and the other half walking away. For the first time in a long time I heard the "divorce" today. I was talking with a dear friend who feels like he has reached the end to his marriage. He and his wife find it hard to be polite with each other, muchless find the enthusiasm to say "I love you". He doesn't talk to me for marriage advice... The only time people ask me for relationship advice is when it seems a relationship is about to end. I have made peace with that. I am thankful that the Lord finds me worthy to help His children (in any situation!). When he said that word to my heart found a corner to cry in. It hurts for me to hear of people that find themselves staring that beast in the eyes. It sits there waiting to devour these two people. It sits there waiting to rip apart any intimacy this man and women might of felt for each other. It sits there waiting for it's chance to force these people to pack their halves of everything...

You spend years getting to know someone in a way that causes you to fight for them... You say you would die for them... You say only death will separate such a union... Then you find yourself fighting this person... Where you once would have died for this person, you won't give them any ground until you prove how wrong they are... Being right is more important than grace... The words "I'm sorry" only get said once you proved your point... Sex gets mistaken for love... Doors get slammed so often, it seems that there is no way to talk to each other anymore... Then you feel lonely, even with them sleeping beside you... Someone leaves... Then you find yourself sleeping in an empty bed... And you lay there wondering what happened to those kids who fought the world together.

You keep trying to forget the passion you wanted them to never forget. You try to move on when you wanted them to stay. You stumble through a life you thought they would help you walk through. You watch certain T.V. shows because it is their favorite... And you just want to feel connected to someone.

There is a distinct weariness that bleeds a person who feels no intimacy. And this might be the place where you find the people who have watched a marriage crumble despite their greatest attempts to "fix" things. They once shared their greatest secrets and fears with a person, only to have those fear realized by an empty home and a wedding band that has been robbed of the love and promise it was made for...

This is why Jesus begs us to run to him when it hurts. He said, "Fall, just fall... I will catch you." Then He decides to look in our souls and say, "I know you. I knew you before this pain caused your tears..." Then He shows His hands "I know how it feels to have someone hurt you. I know how what it is like to have lover walk out on you." He holds you until your tears find an end. You tell Him it still hurts even after all the years. His compassion fills the air and He promises you it will pass... Sometime soon.

There is nothing more intimate then this salvation we find in Him. No matter how many times we walk away from Him, He still reaches for our heart. Not matter how many times someone walks all over our heart, He still mends the broken parts. Mat Kearney once said, "Life is hell, but it is beautiful." I love the life the Lord is giving me. This side of the "storm" is better than the other. He promised me that He would show me this side... It's hell, but it's beautiful.

Thank You Lord!

This is a piece of a great song by Mat Kearney... Pain is a path that we sometime find ourselves walking. The Lord told us to expect it, then He told us he would never give us more than we could handle. Mat tells this story well.

i got a letter today of why she went away
she said, it's better this way, you knew i never could stay
half empty closets and frames, all that’s left to my name
as she left in the rain and left my heart on a chain
three years i’ve built this two-face tower for hours on a lease
you gave me one yellow flower that said rest in peace
in pieces i’ve broken open to think too much or just enough
alone to trust midst the rubble and the dust
humbled, it took this much to break down and understand
spent my life this far on castles made of sand
tossed in the breakers in the palm of your hand
now i can finally stand

-"Renaissance" by Mat Kearney

Smile guys. This post is about hope (in a dark way). Life gets hard, but it's worth it.

Forgive Me for Not Forgiving You

I have a friend that has found love in a girl. For namesake I will call him Mark (not his real name.). I had dinner with him yesterday, and listened to him describe her. He told me how he loved her eyes and the face she loves kung-fu movies. He told me how it feels to know someone posses such feelings for him. He spent a lot of time describing how good it feels to know her. I sat there smiling because I was so happy for this kid. He has a hard time wrestling with self-worth. He looks in the mirror and wonders what is wrong with himself. He draws conclusion that he is too fat, too ugly, or too much of a nerd. He has bought into lies that the Deceiver has whispered to him all his life. But somehow, when he looks in this girls eyes that stuff seems to melt away for a moment and he feels like he is "worth it." He feels like he has a chance. He feels free to be himself. When she smiles at him, he knows it's okay for him to snort when he laughs. It's okay for him to be in love with Star Wars. It's okay that he isn't the best dresser. It's okay for him to let his guard down. It's okay for him to speak from his heart.

This is the feeling that our relationship with Jesus is to give us. When He looks into our eyes, there is a rush of emotion that fills the empty parts of our heart. His smile lets us know He approves of our heart. He tells us that He loves our funny laugh. He promises us that He likes the way we ramble on and on to Him. In the gospels Jesus tells us that He is our bridegroom, and we his bride. Christ uses the most sacred relationship we have in this life to describe our relationship with Him. How much more could we ask for? What does He expect out of our relationship that He would call us His bride? I have to believe He wants us to find Him. To find Him worthy of praise. But more importantly, He wants us to find Him trustworthy enough to live as He created us to be. He wants us to be honest with Him. He wants all the trash we hide. He wants to talk with us. As much as we want to feel the acceptance this relationship offers, He wants to give us that acceptance. He wants us to be filled up, and He stops at nothing in His pursuit of us. He gave His life so we could freely (in Him) live ours without hesitation for eternity.

I have another friend (I have a lot of friends, huh?), I will call him Jim. Jim has been married over six years. He has a couple of good kids. He is your average guy. He works hard at his job, does his best for his kids, and tries his best to love his wife. But recently, he can't seem to find a way to enjoy his relationship with the woman he married six years ago. A couple of years ago Jim's wife made a series of bad choices that almost ended their marriage. Everyone told Jim that he had every right to leave her. As much as it hurt, Jim stayed with her the best way he knew how. Fast forward to now, and Jim still can't shake the history of their relationship. He still carries the pain of broken trust. He still feels the anger. Jim just bottled up these emotions years ago, and now the lid has busted off the top of the bottle. No matter what his wife tries, Jim can't seem to see past her short comings. No one blames him for these feelings...But how long should Jim's bride pay for her mistakes? How long should Jim with hold his compassion from her? How much longer can their relationship withstand this? How much longer until one of them throws in the towel.

Jim's bride made mistakes along her way. She took her eyes off her husband and looked elsewhere. So had Jesus' bride! It seem a daily ritual for us to withdraw our eyes from the gaze of our Lord. We look to any idol or shiny thing to make us feel good... To make us feel beautiful... To make us feel "worth it." For some reason we forget His complete love for us, and we start thinking about what we don't have... Or we start listening to the same one that spoke to Eve in the garden. "He doesn't love you anymore... He doesn't find you lovely anymore... How could He ever see past what you did?" How long will we let these lies cause us this pain? Now long will our fears reign over us? Jim, how long will you harbor this? How long will you with hold from your bride what you freely tell others?... Jesus said that he has removed all of our wrongs. Everyday, when we wake up He tells us how proud He is of us. When we ask Him not to hold our wrongs against us, He doesn't.

How long will we continue to stare longingly across the canyons that separate our relationships with those we love? How long until we work toward bridging the gap? How much do we have to loose before we start grabbing for that which we long for. The Lord never stops grasping for our hand. He is desperate to forgive us. He wants nothing more than to hold us and say: "I love you so much. I know you messed up, but you are here now... That is what matters most to me. You are worth every sacrifice." What would happen if we told those we love that they are worth it? What would happen if we stopped holding out our emotions so we wouldn't get hurt? What would happen if we took the first step in repairing relationships... Even if it means looking like a fool, and getting hurt all over again? I bet it's worth it... I bet it's worth more than the pain and bitterness we hold onto.

God Loves Baseball!

I just finished watching the St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series. True, it is bitter sweet because I wish the Twins could have gotten out of the first round; however I love watching the post-game celebration (just as long as it isn't the Yankees having the good time). There is so much emotion that erupts from men when we feel our hard work actually means something. Jeff Weaver pitched 8 great innings. When the finial out was recorded he rushed the field and fell to pieces. He sobbed after he pitched the game of his life. There have been many people that doubted his ability, is there any better way to prove someone wrong?

Watching men cry after events like this makes me ask myself a question: "How many people live their life waiting for a moment that defines as something more than a failure?" How many people have pasted away before feeling they have reached such a moment? I know I sometime find myself holding my breath waiting for a chance to prove myself, not only to everyone else, but to myself. Instead of living in the freedom that comes from knowing what Jesus did for me with His life; I burden myself with a notion that it's my job to prove myself worthy. I love baseball, and I believe the Lord never stops reminding us who we are, who He is, and who we can be when we listen to the words He pumps through our hearts.

Just a Thought

All I have is a quote and a question.

"If a man does not find those things for which his heart is made, if he is never even invited to live for them from his deep heart, he will look for them in some other way. Why is pornography the number one snare for men? He longs for the beauty, but without his fierce and passionate heart he cannot find her or win her or keep her. Though he is powerfully drawn to the woman, he does not know how to fight for her or even that he is to fight for her. Rather, he finds her mostly a mystery that he knows he cannot solve and so at a soul level he keeps his distance. And privately, secretly, he turns to the imitation. What makes pornography so addictive is that more than anything else in a lost man's life, it makes him feel like a man without ever requiring a thing from him. The less a guy feels like a real man in the presence of a real woman, the more vulnerable he is to porn." - John Eldredge, Wild At Heart

Why is so hard to be the men He wants us to be? Is there anything more attractive than the life He offers? Then why do we settle for the garbage that only leaves us hollow?

Is Freedom More Than a Name?

Am I the only person that gets caught off guard by the goodness we are allowed to live in? I often wonder if I deserve the good that comes my way. I question my good fortunes because I know who I am when the all the lights are out and no one is looking at me. Someone once told me that we are truly the person we become when no one is looking. I believe that because scripture tells us that the Lord knew us before we where even in our mothers womb.

Up until now, I never understood the freedom the Lord was telling me about in that scripture. Instead of me feeling the need to hide, He is whispering: "I already know about all your muddy roads... and it's okay. I love you so much more than anything you could ever do." It is such a basic truth of our Lord, but so profound. It speaks right to His never ending grace. But what do we do with such freedom?

Does this give us reason to take liberty with our lives, and live as we please? I don't think it does (but I still do sometimes). We always hear people say: "You only live once!" Then they get sloppy drunk or commit an act that they will regret in the morning. I don't think regret ever follows the true freedom the Lord offers us to live with. I don't think we can truly understand this freedom until we feel the chains of regret and sin. Once Christ's' blood unlocks any chains that locked up our heart, freedom stands in the doorway with it's arms open waiting to embrace us.

This freedom is felt when we open ourselves up. It is embraced when take the time to be effected by our fellow man. Freedom is experienced when we are willing to be broken for other people. Look around at the people in your life. Is there anyone who has everything together? Or is there anyone who could use a little understanding? Anyone who just needs a shoulder to cry on? There is freedom in knowing that you can live life and when things get hard someone still thinks you are worth their time. That is the key to the "fellowship" that we are all seeking. We go to church, meet in our small groups to feel some community. Until we truly give each other the freedom to mess up and say the wrong thing and then still love each other with out hesitation... until then fellowship is still out of our grasp.

The Lord gives us the freedom to be vulnerable with each other, because he knows we cannot truly comprehend Him. So, he taught us comfort each other... then He promised that where two or more gather, He would be there. Just by living life with each other, we are showing the love of our Father. There is no greating reedom that being able to wake up each morning and just live and love each other.

Big Gulp, Huh?... Alright See Ya' Later!

Over the past five months I have had the honor of working again with a true friend. I met Derek Law over three years ago when he joined the team at my old store. He had worked for the company for six years when I met him. Fast forward to the present, and he is now my boss. I have loved every minute of working under him. During the last three years I have watched a boy wrestle with manhood. I have watched a party animal awkwardly stumble through the emotional battle grounds of being a father. I have shared great days at work with him... And we have waged war against the demons that followed our divorces. Behind his stupid smile lay wounds that have never healed, and his howling laughed hides pain that life have piled on his shoulders.

Let me be honest (forgive me Derek), Derek has one of the foulest mouths my ears have ever been exposed to. He can combine words that I would have never dreamed could fit in the same sentence, much less be united to become foul words. Derek has done things in his life that you only see in movies (the kind mothers hope their children never see). Derek can sound and act like the biggest jerk you could ever meet. He can be too abrupt at times; to the point in hurts when you walk away from him. His personal life can be tragic at times. He has trouble communicating what he really wants to say, but it never stops him from talking... And talking. But, with that said...

I would give my life for this guy. I can handle the mounds of foul language, because he is the most honest person in my life. He will tell the truth, even if it makes him look like a jerk . It is no secret, to anyone who takes the time to listen to him, that Derek's life is a little screwed up. He knows it, but why is he so honest about it? I am not saying he is only honest to his "inner circle" (or puts it on a blog because he couldn't stand the thought of being totally honest in person), his entire staff that works under him knows that he has issues. Why does he make this known even to those who would use it against him if they ever got the chance? Or those who don't give a crap about anyone, just so long as they get paid?

I am one of Dereks biggest fans. I want him to be the best father Diggy ever has knowledge of. I want Derek to be the best partner in any relationship he finds himself in. I want Derek to continue to be one of the best friends I ever have. I want him to be the best boss anyone who works with him speaks of. More than anything I want Derek to know my Jesus. But, I never want him to loose the honesty the makes him so enduring to those who look closely at the mess we call this life. I will never forget the day I watched Derek (in a true moment of vulnerability) pour his heart out to one of his employees about how he was having trouble managing a store and the pain of being a single father, and she brushed him off like dirt on a clean white floor. She didn't want to understand because it gets too messy. It takes too much time.

Life is messy. Words are printed in black and white, but life is full of grays. There is nothing clean about any of us. I am dirty from head to toe from all the crap I jump into. We are all broken...even if we act like we are pieces of art. Give me a break, all of those who whisper behind close doors, all of those who hind behind masks... the truth is not easy... but it is the most effective currency known to man. There is more to people than what we see at the work place, and there is more that goes into a persons preformance than the events that happen once we punch the time clock. Is there any understanding worth extending to others? Or, is our personal life more important. (man, I sound bitter... but I feel more defeated than angery or bitter.)

A Race To Grace

In my very first post on this blog I asked the question: "Is grace worth dying for?" I don't remember what drove me to that question back then, but I am thrown back to it. What happens when someone hurts those you love the most in life? What happens when someone's personal decisions hurt you? What do you do with that person? Is grace at the intersection at which this person stands in your life? Should it hurt this much to show someone the grace that was shown to me on Calvary? I have people in my life that have made some decisions that have caused those close to me LOTS of pain, which has caused me to have pain. I have talked to many people about this situation, and have gotten some great answers. I think the most profound statement I heard was from my friend Cat. She said, "Everyone craves truth." She was talking about approaching people with love and grace, but most importantly with the truth. I think she is right. People want honesty, even if it hurts. We are taught, by Jesus, to extend grace to others just as it was extended to us. Paul taught us that to live this redeemed life is to daily die to our selfish nature. I think these two things go hand in hand. And, I think these two lessons hurt the most. Paul echoed this by says that "to die is gain".

Should it hurt me this much to give someone a fraction of the grace that was given to me? No. Should I make someone earn my grace and forgiveness when these where freely given to me? No. So why does it hurt, and why do I require things from others? I think I make this life harder than it needs to be. But, I am comforted to know that I am not the first to try and complicate the simplicity of this redeemed life I am leading. Jesus had to get the disciples back in line on more than one occasion. Paul wasn't shy about the fact his wrong actions often out weighted the redemption he was given.

I am not sure if grace comes before forgiveness or vice versa, and I am not sure if you need one to complete the other. But, I know that they are both an important part of my life. And they often enter my life at the same time. And I know I need God's grace to help me forgive those who hurt me. I know I am not perfect, but as Gerald G. May put it: " We cannot use failure as an excuse to guit trying." So what am I trying to say with all these words? I guess it all boils down to this: I am hurt, and I forgive the people that hurt me... But it still takes me longer than it should.

Sunday Pain

I sat in my seat Sunday at church, wondering why I was there. I know why I go to church, and I am okay with those reasons. But, I couldn't help wondering why I didn't just walk out and enjoy the rainy evening with some good reading on my patio. I was sitting on a completely empty row of chairs, so I found myself in a comfortable spot. That changed when a man came and asked if he could sit by me and "be my friend". I figured he just wanted to get by me so he could sit a couple of seats down from me... Nope. He sat right beside me. Let me state again that the entire row was empty. We exchanged some small talk, then the service got started, thank God.

I stood up and started to sing, and soon forgot the strange man beside me. During the first song, an elderly couple came walking in. The lady was holding onto the old man to help him walk to their seat. I have seen these two before, and it wrenches my heart every time I see this guy. He looks like he is in pain with every awkward step he takes. His back is bent low from a hard life. My heart found a corner to cry in as I watched them walk past. I stared wondering if I would walk in such a way when I reached his age, because I don't want to. I don't want to have a physical state that forces others to look at me with pity. But, that is what I was doing to this man. Why was my souls aching at the site of this man? Lucky for me, the music ended, and Andy got up and started to preach.

I remember everything Andy said. I was listening and hearing what he had to say. He ended and it was time for the last song. I stood and started singing "Blessed Be Your Name", and the words hit me that way they always do. As we sang "Blessed be Your name, On the road marked with suffering, Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name" that old couple awkwardly walked over to light a candle and then headed to the alter. As painful as it was to watch him walk, it hurt worse to see the pain on his face bent down to kneel at the alter. I could almost feel the pain shoot down his body. My soul broke again, my eyes lost control, and I wept. "On the road marked with suffering, There's pain in the offering, Blessed be your name" Sometimes it hurts to live this life, and sometimes it is sunshine and birds singing. I watched this couple as they huddled together to pray. At that moment I envied him. His wife was leaning into him, holding him, while they lifted up their heart to the Lord. Is there a better portrait of what all of us ask for in a spouse?

This isn't an out cry for a spouse. This is me actually having a moment where I stopped worrying about me long enough to see what it means to sing "On the road marked with suffering, There's pain in the offering, (but) blessed be your name Lord Jesus" The service ended, and I walked away to finish the rest of my Sunday. What's a boy to do with the rest of his life?

Truth On the Big Screen

I just got finished watching a great movie, The Last Kiss. Those of you who know me, know that I love Zach Braff. But, actually, that has nothing to do with why this movie is still stirring in my head. I know that there are those who wont watch rated R movies and choose not to watch or listen to similar media. And I must admit that there is some really racey stuff in this movie (hence the "R" rating). But, I just got finished watching the realities of this life played out by a bunch of actors, and it ripped my heart out. It hurt to watch this movie. I was uncomfortable with the pain this movie displayed. The movie centers around the pain choices can cause.

I sat in the theater and watched Hollywood versions of my friends and family members. I knew every character in a real way. I have a lot to say about the movie, but I don't want to ruin it for anyone. But, let me say this; there are Biblical truths screaming in this movie. There is the truth of pain. There is the realities of unfaithfulness. There is the realities of truthfulness. But, here is what is killing me right now: I see these people everyday. I see these truths fleshed out everyday by people who do and don't have a personal relationship with Jesus. I see guys and girls making choices and then hurting for them for a long time. And, I am one of those guys. Everyone is looking for some peace about the lives they are leading, so we make choices we think will help us find this peace.

John14:27 "Peace I leave with with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Jesus said this to his disciples after telling them about how the Holy Spirit will help guide them and comfort them until Jesus makes his return. This is the peace that our choices try to capture. When will we stop making choices without His guided hand?

The Boy vs The Cynic

Yesterday, I was slapped in the face with the person I have become. And, I must say it hurt. Most of you who might be reading this understand that I can be a bit hard on myself; so to you this might seem like one of those occasions. Then there are those of you who have spent long conversations with me about religion, politics, or anything else that I have an opinion about; these are the people who will most understand that there is much truth to this.

I have become a cynical person. I don't know when it happened, hell I don't understand why it happened. I just know it happened, and know here I am. Here I am, searching for the "hidden agenda" of our politicians. Or taking it upon myself to spread "the truth" about what religion has or hasn't done. For some reason, I find it hard to trust and fully embrace people. I purposely with hold myself from people, until they show their "true colors". I always take the position against the popular. Why? Just because I hate the thought of someone else being right or having the answers. If it wasn't my idea or I didn't discover it; it isn't worth my approval. How pitiful is that?

I could try to trace back to when this started (and trust me, I want to), but what good would it do? I have a past that has had it's tuff times, but why am I so cynical? I have been washed clean with Christ's blood, so why am I cynical and ungraceful toward those in the faith that slip and fall? I live in a great country, that gives me the right to even write this; so why am I so angry about the things that happen that I don't even understand?

I am starting to wonder about joy. I think I lost it somewhere, because I am finding it difficult to be joyful. I am emotionally stable and I am capable of putting a smile on my face. And I am becoming better at being genuine. To be honest, I am thankful for the man I am; and I don't wish to return to any part of my past... But, sometimes I can remember a kid that found it easy to love and trust people. He listened and laughed ALOT! He was more than happy, he felt a joy for the life he was given. But, that kid left to "get a life" and boy did he get it.

I am still grateful. This isn't a "woe-as-me" moment. I am just being honest about me. These are lyrics from a great song by John Reuben that expresses what it is like wrestle with who you are and the person you once where.

Man it's sort of overwhelming

It didn't seem like I was storytelling

But you didn't believe me when I told you that I could see my

Hopes and dreams come alive as it seems

But there's a time and place for everything

Well I left my imagination there

Now it's only what I can touch see taste and hear

With my natural senses I wish I could stretch the limits

But my defenses keep me limited from the boundaries I set

So I won't get burned again

Sure I'd like to be optimistic but that doesn't line up well with reality

So I'll go to sleep now and dream of a younger healthier better me

Don't mistake innocence for ignorance

Don't mistake purity for inexperience

Don't mistake humility for weakness I sincerely mean this

You understand more than you know

There's no goal like peace of mind

So what else are you trying to find

What's left except regret and heartache

And yes your heart will break and go numb lots of times before this life is done

You'll look for answers but there's just one

Patience one day it will make sense

But waiting is a pinch waking you up from the worlds you've made up

The one where you dream and the one where you gave up

Time to create a new atmosphere where the boy and the cynic can both play fair

Singleness and Idols

Being single is tricky. There are different levels of singleness (is that even a word?) There are those who aren’t married, but in a serious relationship, so they consider themselves “off the market”. Then there are those who are in a relationship, but are “still looking”. Then there are those who are not in a relationship at all. But even this group of singles is broken down into sub-groups. There are those who want to be in a relationship and those who don’t want a relationship (they are just fooling themselves).

Now, I have the good fortune to know what it is like to be apart of every single one of these groups of singleness, and I also know what it is like on the other side of being single. But, in the past couple of weeks I have witnessed, from the outside looking in, what it looks like to be single… and I must say that it doesn’t always look pretty. In fact, most of the time it looks like a swamp, when one steps in the wrong place you start to sink in emotions and tears.

I was talking with a friend who is in a relationship that is at best “rocky”. She and her boyfriend both love the Lord, and strive to live a life worthy of Christ’s blood. However, singleness is kicking their butts! I spent a couple of hours with her last week, just talking about life. I asked her what her goals where for her life. Her answer was a very common answer among single people: “To get married and someday start a family” Her answer broke my heart, because I know the reality of such a goal (because I have lived it). While there is nothing wrong with wanting to be married, to make it your life goal distorts our view of how we are to live. To view marriage as a goal is to see it as the finish line. Our mentality toward relationships becomes one of, “If we could just get married…” or “I will be better once we get married.” Relationships become a means to an end. But far worse, we start living out lives in such a way that will get us married or become more attractive to potential mates.

This becomes a major problem because we stop allowing God to create us into the son or daughter that he wants us to be, and we start molding ourselves into the people we think we should be for our future wife or husband. Have you ever made the statement: “I want to live a life that will bring honor to my future wife (husband).”? While this thought is honorable, it creates an idol out of the prospect of marriage.

What about this? What if as single people we stop looking at marriage as a finish line? What if we let Jesus continue to make us into the people He wants us to be? What if we just followed His footsteps, even if they led us away from the person we think is our “future mate”, no mtter how much love we feel for them? What if we gave up on the type of dating we see on TV and hear in music? What if we stopped viewing singleness as “being stuck in a holding pattern”? What if being single is living life just as much if you where married?

There are lots of reasons why I am the last person to give relationship advice. However, this is something I know for a fact: Not everyone should be in a relationship! Some people hurt themselves more by being in a relationship. You shouldn’t try being in a relationship if you aren’t emotional “okay”. While no one is totally emotional “okay”, I think you understand what I am trying to say. Because, if you aren’t “okay” you will start looking to that other person to help you be okay. That isn’t anyone’s job except the Lords!

I hope I become better at singleness than I am now. God save this poor boy!

What Would Happen If You Leave?

People walk in and out of our lives everyday. Some leave for brief moments, and then there are those who you never see again. With every departure we run the risk of loosing people. Cars crash into each other everyday causing families to break apart. Disease rage and live slips away from those who are trying to hold onto it with all their strength. People make decisions to never return, and worlds get flooded in the wake of these decisions.

There is something deep within all of us that looks at the rest of the world and asks the question, "What would happen if you leave my life?" Some internally ask this question to parents that never seem to have enough love. While some parents cry at the thought of not having the children they watch sleep at night. Some ask this question of the brother that always seems to make the wrong decision; when all the while that brother make every decision based on the fear of that question. Husbands ask the question when their wife's leave for the grocery store, and all the while their wife wonders what is on the other side of a final "goodbye".

But why do our hearts ask this question? For some it is fear of the unknown. We ask this question because it is the last thing we want to happen. While others ask the question because they want to be ready for the "just incases" of life. And some ask the question out of pure pain. There has always seemed to be a place in all of us that wonders about the unknown, and no matter the motive, we try to get ready for it (even sometimes by running away!). If you watch the news for just five minutes, you come to the understand that loss is apart of life. We have become conditioned "deal with it". So, why do hearts break when loss become personal?

Our creation is a testimony in understanding the desire to relate. The Lord created us because he wanted relationship. He was totally satisfied within the Trinity, but he took a chance (knowing the whole time what the outcome would be.). He wanted to walk in the cool breeze with us and have conversations about everything! He wanted to hear laughter from us. That's not emotion it's fact. But one day a piece of fruit became the symbol of a fall that has plagued everyone from our first breath. Then for the first time the question was asked by a naked couple holding some fig leaves, "What would happen if you leave?" And all of us have been asking that question of everything in our life since that moment.

People leave, but the Lord never left. He returned to physically dwell among his creation several times. He died among His creation just so He could rise to show us that He would never leave (even if the physical body wasn't present)... But this doesn't stop us from asking the question over and over again, and our sins are our way of yelling at Him to leave us alone. I am thankful that I will never know the what would happen if He left.

Long Talks In My Old Room

This is my brother Nathan and his kids (McKayla and Evan). It always seems that I have a lot to say after I spend a weekend down in Crockett. The four of us woke up to take some pictures in the in the early morning sun. All Evan wanted to do was use sticks as swords and McKayla just wanted to make Uncle Chad and Daddy happy... And Nathan, well for the first time in a long time he looked rested... And I have no idea why. He and I were up all night talking about everything we knew and lied about the stuff we didn't know.

We sat in my old room talking about growing up in that small town and leaving it for "big dreams" in big cities. He and I spent a lot of time talking about the past. We laughed about starting fires and farting in public places. We stopped looking each other in the eye when we started talking about dark times. We sat in respectful silence after one of us bared our heart to the other. We sat in amazement after we realized how far our relationship with Larry (our Step-Father, aka. "Pops") had come. We helped him put together a new BBQ grill, and it was the best time we had all weekend.

What I love most about my relationship with Nathan is that neither of us are content with staying on the surface of things. Both of us want to dig deep, and find every opportunity to be as genuine as we can with each other. He never lets me get away with just saying a passing comment about pain or happiness. He wants to know why I say what I say. And I always want to know how his mind rationalizes the blessing of his two kids. Those kids make me wonder what I am doing with my life(in a very good way!). He tells me about his struggles and the victories he finds in the small parts of his day.

Life isn't perfect, but the sun shines gold a lot more than I notice. I am so thankful for my family. We are all screwed up and make no sense most of the time, but what family isn't? I have come to understand how important it is for a person to be a part of something bigger than just themselves. That is why Jesus taught us that as Christians we are members of a family, part of a body. We help each other when we can, and stop hurting each other when we find out we are causing pain. Family... a cursed blessing that embarrasses you, but the first place you run to when you hurt and find yourself in need.

More Than Just Blood

Sometimes when I read the gospel accounts of Calvary, I fail to grasp all that cross accomplished for me. The first thing Christians come to understand is the unexplainable salvation that flows from Jesus' blood. Sins forgiven and wiped away like old tears; all at the moment one believes upon the life and sacrifice of the Christ. There is nothing better than knowing that someone paid the price for all my wrongs that I could never correct by myself.

But what I fail to grasp sometimes is the freedom the Cross gives a person. Not freedom to waist my life with the actions that put Jesus on that cross; but a freedom to live my life without a hesitation for what "might be" or what "might have been". There is nothing this world can offer that come close to that freedom and love. It almost hurts to understand what the Cross has given my saved soul, and know that I still waist my life doing anything less than embrace this beautiful mess I find myself in.

I would love to think that these words aren't based on emotion, just truth. Because Jesus taught us to live with a childlike faith in him. Just to trust that He has it all figured out, and all we have to do is follow Him. Easier said than done, but better than the alternative.

Old Shirts, County Music, and Salsa

I had a conversation with an old friend tonight. This guy has watched me grow out of diapers into the the guy that I am today. He had been there for me more than I ever noticed until our short phone conversation today. He had some advice that I wouldn't listen to until now. He simply said this: "Maybe it's time to give some praise for the things that are in your life (good or bad)." You are right Eugene.

I have a closet full of shirts that I have had since I was in high school. I love the fact that the Lord has helped me stay around the same body size, so that I can fit into most of those same shirts... And still wear them in public. That helps me understand that the Lord is timeless in his fathering of me.

The sun came out this morning, and I had the opportunity to sleep through most of it's rise... I am thankful for sleep... When I can find it! While sleep doesn't always equal rest, sleep helps me to see the opportunities the Lord gives us to rest in Him. What a blessing that is!

I made a phone call to my brother Nathan, and I heard his kids in the background screaming with pleasure as they ran through the sprinkler. What a blessing to know the Lord allows my brother to enjoy his kids... I love those kids because they have done more for my brother than he will ever understand.

I am thankful for a good country song! It doesn't matter what year the song hit the radio, the right sad country song can be just as big of a blessing as a good praise song. Johnny Cash or Randy Travis or Dierks Bentley, those guys are a blessing for this East Texas kid's ears!

The more poetic I try to get with this list, the less genuine I feel it is getting. So let me say it this way: When I remove my head from my butt and actually look around; the Lord has blessed me with a family that loves me, a job that keeps the bills paid, and a million small things that go unnoticed due to my arrogance! I love the way things piece together in the right moment, and I love the fact that the Lord is never rushed!

And one more thing, chips and salsa!... Other than Jesus, is there a bigger blessing found in life?...I think not!

Rain, Bitterness... And Fishing?

There is nothing quiet like a nice rain storm. Even this concrete city seems dry from the lack of rain. Like a good cry can calm the soul, a good rain can refresh the senses of the earth. There is something exciting about a hard rain that blows through the day. The sky goes dark, the temperature drops, and a scent fills the air. Then the rain comes in sheets. The wind blows it in different directions until it hits the ground. And, all we can do is watch from under some cover or dance under drops. Either way you experience the rain, I am sure you have a smile on your face. Sometimes you have to get wet to clean the deep parts of your heart.

This weekend I returned to the town I grew up in. I have made peace with almost every inch of that town. From the little league field to my high school baseball field; I have made it a point to go back to the same dirt and grass that I made memories on years ago. I have learned to smile at most of my past days. Sunday, I sat in the same church pews that I did during my childhood... It just happens to be the same place I took wedding vows. It hurt to be in that building. Memories rushed back for the better part of an hour, until my old pastor's words broke through: "The pains of your life can either be a means to an end, or they can end you. But that is your decision to make. You can either be bitter or make it better!" Those words pissed me off, because I knew they where true.

Am I bitter? What a loaded question for me to ask. By the looks of most of my previous postings, it looks like I am. I find myself thinking of this a lot, because I don't want to become "that guy"! You know who I am talking about. "That guy" who always brings up "that subject" every time you talk to him. But I see that is what this blog has turned into; my way of always bringing up "that subject". And, to be honest, I don't think it has helped that much. What once was a pain I felt, has now been turned into a drug I use to help myself escape from moving forward. Does it help to talk about matters of the heart? No doubt! Does it help to beat yourself up in front of everyone you know? Nope.

Am I bitter? No, just hurt. Am I afraid? More than you know. So now what? Maybe I will go fishing in Alaska. Maybe I will take that trip to Portland or maybe I will watch the leaves change colors in Boston. Or, maybe I will have the guts to live my life where I stand, in spite of my fears. Maybe just maybe, I will stop sabotaging myself and actually believe the things Jesus says about me. Because, I think he is right about me. Maybe, I'll go on another date... It's fun to make a girl laugh out loud! There is a lot of life worth living under any sky you find yourself living under... Time to get to it!

In The Waking Hours

Why do I wake up every morning? Why do you wake up every morning? I will go out on a limb and speculate that it has nothing to do with your job. For me most days start at 3:40a.m., and trust me when I say that I don't enjoy helping the sun rise every morning. In the hours I spending before the sun makes it's entrance in the horizon, my heart has no problem feeling the levity of the place I find myself each morning. I smile smiles and try my best to comfort those who feel the weariness that one feels in the wee hours of a week day morning. But, I can't help but feel a bit hypocritical and fake as I make my way through the day. I walk as if I have a purpose. Those people who know me as the "coffee guy" don't know the battles that beat my insides to a bloody pulp. And as the sun finally makes it's entrance among the orange and reds, I can't help but ask myself again, "What do I wake up for every morning?" Because it is so clear to me as I stand in the same spot every morning, that I do not live for this job. Sure, I am thankful for a steady job, and make no mistake, I am not complaining about my job. It has been good to me. But, there is something deeper that keeps me rising each morning.

What is it that makes me continue to rise every morning? Is it forgiveness? Have I been living my life for the past couple of years trying to earn a forgiveness that I never seem to feel? I take an inventory of my life as I grind coffee each morning, and the coffee always seems to run short before I find a solution for past mistakes. Who am I trying to gain forgiveness from? It's not my Jesus, because He granted me that undeserved grace six years ago... And everyday since. He paid the price for my faults, and He finds me beautiful in spite the pain I inflict... And, to this day, I still can't understand why he loves me with such passion. With such forgiveness in place, what other forgiveness is there to search for? I have taken people for granted. I have wished pain upon those I confessed to love the most. I've lied, cheated, stolen...I have wasted time. I dismissed people completely for no other reason than my own immaturity or insecurities. I once lit a candle to signify my love for a single person, but as I replay my life in the early morning I see a boy trying to daily blow out that flame with coarse words and stupid fights... That boy stopped trying to blow out that flame when someone else blew it out for him... But the forgiveness that I seek wont relight that flame.

Why do I continue to wake up? Is it a scare little boy inside me? Do I continue to smile and joke with strangers each morning as I make them coffee, in a quest to quench the insecurities of the child inside me? There is a hurt little kid inside me. He has wounds that have stunted his growth of maturity. Am I trying to heal those wounds with a false acceptance given with each transaction made for a cup of coffee? Am I in a search of acceptance? Has the rejection I received driven me to keep my job for the purpose to prove that people DO like me?

Does a search for love keep me rising with my alarm clock? Is my fragile existence being drug behind a carnal need to feel loved? There once was a time when I had the love that I now seek again. The trouble with this love is you feel it's weight the most when it is no longer there. Now what's a boy to do with such knowledge? The truth is this: I know that I am loved beyond my understanding. The forgiveness I have received walks hand in hand with Jesus' love for my broken self. The love that I seek from another human, fails in comparison with the love of a Savior. He knows the absolute worst things about me, and He still loves me the same. He knows how deep my lust runs. He knows how shallow I live my life. He knows about the punches I have thrown at him. He knows how bad I have treated people. But He still loves me. He never flinches in the presence of the mountain of wrongs I have committed. He loves me enough to give me room to question. And he loves me enough to hold me close when I hurt. He loves me in spite of my attempts to replace his love with the things of this world. What other love is there?

Maybe I wake up every morning out of habit. Maybe I go to my job because I have bills that need to be paid. Maybe I am over thinking my life. Honestly, I know that I am searching for someone on this earth to love me. I know that I am searching for forgiveness from those that I have wronged... And I know that I want those people to seek my forgiveness (because I am self-centered). I know that I am still a little scared. I know I am seeking a confidence that the Lord gives. Do I feel okay with this life I am leading?... Yea. Do I want to wake up early in the morning?... No. Do I want to live my days with no regret?... More than anything. Do I want someone to find me worth the risk of love?... Yea, that feels nice! I want to understand the meaning of living a life worthy of the life Jesus died for... Forgiveness is found like a cool breeze in a hot summer night, little boys grow up , and love has a way of taking the proper amount of time to walk around your corner. Of that I am confident!

Peace Found In the Pieces

You don't have to stand beside an ocean to feel small. You don't have to be alone to feel lonely. And, you don't have to speak to say the wrong thing. My lack of confidence makes me feel small every morning when I wake up. I feel the most lonely in a large group of people. And, the words I say with my silence yell louder than my vocal cords could ever muster.

I say these things not to be mellow dramatic... Well maybe I am, but I realized something that makes this exhausting life seem easier to swallow. As I spend these long hours wondering about my words and planning my actions; I am trying to construct something useless. We Christians like to speak of brokenness as if it is a place we once lived but we have seemed to lost the directions to get us back there. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure if brokenness is a state of mind or a place to camp. I know that we are to grow in the Lord, but I don't think we are supposed to out grow the displacement that our brokenness gave us. What am I saying? I spend so much time and energy trying to "feel" better or "look" better in front of people or "speak" better to my Creator... And all this does is exhaust my soul... And I have the feeling that I'm not the only one.

I remember the day I accepted Jesus' gift of Salvation. It felt as if I had stopped running or dropped the world of weight I felt on my shoulders. I was free to breath without trying to earn the air... But over the past couple of months I have started to putting the weight back on my shoulders while putting my running shoes back on. It as if I have a bottle of glue in my hand, and I am trying to paste myself together in a way that is more attractive. I don't want to say anything that might make anyone uncomfortable. I don't want act upset, because my social status is already so low... But, I remember the peace in my heart when I told the Lord that I was screwed up, and I remember the time He took with me when I asked Him to sit with me as I cried. This might sound less than what a "mature Christian" would say, but I know we all need a break from this stressful life and just breath, laugh, take a drink, sit in the shower for a while, or cry for the sake of crying. We are not to stay in these places for long periods of time. We must put one foot in front of the other... But that doesn't mean we forget what broke us in the first place. For me, I know I spend too much time in the shower(that sounds funny), but I see too many people acting like they have it all together... But you just see them crumbling on the inside when you look into their eyes. I am not trying to speak of others, just for me... And I'm not sure that I made any sense!

A Prayer For Honesty

In a attempt at honesty, I must confess a prayer of mine that I lift to the heavens:

"Lord, take me to a different place. Take me to snow capped mountains, where the pine trees' greens are covered by blankets of snow. I want to see my breath in front of me as I release the cold air from my lungs. Let me feel the freedom of looking down at the world from a high altitude. Lord, replace this concrete world I daily wake to with cool meadows of high grass, that bend with every wind you send. Show me flowers that I have never seen. Let me watch the leaves turn form green to red and yellow. Lord, take me to the base of the Red Wood's. Let me try and wrap my arms around their great trunks. Lord, let me swim under the great waterfalls tucked away in the rain forests I only read about. Let me play in a Portland rain storm. Let me stand beside the ocean and feel just how big you might be. Let me lay beneath a clear Montana sky and watch your stars wink at me. Take me to the fish of Alaska, I promise I will cook them with the reverence they deserve! Let me feel how tiny Rhode Island is, because I already know how big Texas is. Lord, take me any where, just take me away from the place you have me. I want to see the great beauty the world has, because I refuse to see the beauty in the city that I live."

I am a selfish man. I understand that there is nothing wrong with the passion I have in my heart. I believe God gave me the urge to explore and stand in awe of His creation. My selfishness lies in the allowing this passion to overshadow what he has for me here. He has placed me in this Metroplex, working at a coffee shop for a great reason... I just don't want to see this reason. I just want to see snow and different colored leaves, and I want to live in the ideals that I have of those places.

Just trying to find the strength to live in honesty.