The Boy vs The Cynic

Yesterday, I was slapped in the face with the person I have become. And, I must say it hurt. Most of you who might be reading this understand that I can be a bit hard on myself; so to you this might seem like one of those occasions. Then there are those of you who have spent long conversations with me about religion, politics, or anything else that I have an opinion about; these are the people who will most understand that there is much truth to this.

I have become a cynical person. I don't know when it happened, hell I don't understand why it happened. I just know it happened, and know here I am. Here I am, searching for the "hidden agenda" of our politicians. Or taking it upon myself to spread "the truth" about what religion has or hasn't done. For some reason, I find it hard to trust and fully embrace people. I purposely with hold myself from people, until they show their "true colors". I always take the position against the popular. Why? Just because I hate the thought of someone else being right or having the answers. If it wasn't my idea or I didn't discover it; it isn't worth my approval. How pitiful is that?

I could try to trace back to when this started (and trust me, I want to), but what good would it do? I have a past that has had it's tuff times, but why am I so cynical? I have been washed clean with Christ's blood, so why am I cynical and ungraceful toward those in the faith that slip and fall? I live in a great country, that gives me the right to even write this; so why am I so angry about the things that happen that I don't even understand?

I am starting to wonder about joy. I think I lost it somewhere, because I am finding it difficult to be joyful. I am emotionally stable and I am capable of putting a smile on my face. And I am becoming better at being genuine. To be honest, I am thankful for the man I am; and I don't wish to return to any part of my past... But, sometimes I can remember a kid that found it easy to love and trust people. He listened and laughed ALOT! He was more than happy, he felt a joy for the life he was given. But, that kid left to "get a life" and boy did he get it.

I am still grateful. This isn't a "woe-as-me" moment. I am just being honest about me. These are lyrics from a great song by John Reuben that expresses what it is like wrestle with who you are and the person you once where.

Man it's sort of overwhelming

It didn't seem like I was storytelling

But you didn't believe me when I told you that I could see my

Hopes and dreams come alive as it seems

But there's a time and place for everything

Well I left my imagination there

Now it's only what I can touch see taste and hear

With my natural senses I wish I could stretch the limits

But my defenses keep me limited from the boundaries I set

So I won't get burned again

Sure I'd like to be optimistic but that doesn't line up well with reality

So I'll go to sleep now and dream of a younger healthier better me

Don't mistake innocence for ignorance

Don't mistake purity for inexperience

Don't mistake humility for weakness I sincerely mean this

You understand more than you know

There's no goal like peace of mind

So what else are you trying to find

What's left except regret and heartache

And yes your heart will break and go numb lots of times before this life is done

You'll look for answers but there's just one

Patience one day it will make sense

But waiting is a pinch waking you up from the worlds you've made up

The one where you dream and the one where you gave up

Time to create a new atmosphere where the boy and the cynic can both play fair