This Last Month

Yesterday marked an entire month of martial bliss for Leah and me. November 9th Leah and I got married in front of our family and friends. I have held off writing about it because I really wanted to process the day. Monday night Leah and I went to see Colbie Caillat in concert. I got the tickets to the show not because she is one of my favorite artists (even though I sang every song she sang!), but because her music has always reminded me of Leah. And she reminds me of our wedding day. We had our first dance as a married couple to her song "Magic”. We danced to that song again at the concert. That moment has brought me to this post.

The days leading up to the wedding were full of stress and anticipation. Getting families into Dallas, finding last minute cloths for everyone, making sure Leah wasn't stressing out, and trying not to let the words "I just want this to be over" slip out of my mouth was taking a giant toll on me right up to the moment I arrived at the garden. I will be honest enough to say that it was a fight for me to enjoy the week before the wedding. I hate the fact that I let anything get in the way of me celebrating what the Lord was about to do!

I waited at the front of the building that blocked me seeing the garden that the ceremony would grow out of. My friend Jon stood by me playing on his guitar the song that I asked him to play while Leah and I would take Holy Communion. As he sang the sweet words:

“…Love will sustainLove will provideLove will not ceaseAt the end of time…”

I was hoping that those words would be true for Leah and me. As we stood there waiting for my cue to tell me that it was safe to go around the building, I got to greet everyone as they arrived. I greeted my friend Mike who, even though we haven’t talked in a while, I hold so deep to my heart because he walked with me through some of the loneliest roads of my life. Seeing his face started to help me feel some of the magnitude of what was about to happen. To my surprise, a couple of our friends that we met on out mission trip to Honduras came walking up to me. That trip was a big reason the ceremony was about to begin. As I watched our guest arrive, I could feel the Lord opening my heart and helping me to focus on what He was doing. I got the sign to head back to the garden, and Jon kept playing as we walked:

“…Love is the arms that are holding youLove never fails youWhen my heart won't make a soundWhen I can't turn back aroundWhen the sky is falling downNothing is
greater than thisGreater than this…”

I walked the path leading to the ceremony site. I walked under some hanging ivy thinking how grateful I was that the Lord made that ivy for this moment in my life. I was greeted by my brothers and my best man, Bob Cornwell. I looked at Bob and started smiling and laughing. See, Bob has been my sponsor during my time in Recovery. He knows absolutely the worst things that I have done in my life, and he told me that he still would be honored to be my best man during the ceremony! We serve a God of redemption and grace! I then walked up to the pastor who was about to perform the ceremony to get my flower pinned on me. He hugged me, and turned me around so no one could see what he was telling me. Steve Hayes started as a guy that I would drink with, then turned into my pastor, and is now my best friend. He watched every step that Leah and I had taken together; who else would perform the ceremony? Everyone was in place to watch the beautiful mess that God had been (and still is) perfecting.

Jon changed the tune on his guitar as the ladies came down. The first bridesmaid was my niece, MaKayla. She was nervous and beautiful as she walked to her spot. Next was Celeste. She is Leah’s friend from Seattle that she met in Argentina. The Leah’s sister, Laura. It was great seeing Laura support her baby sister. Then the cutest flower girl came stomping down. We had my young niece, Skylar, giggle down the aisle holding her daddy’s hand as she dropped the basket of flowers at my feet. It was awesome! Then Jon changed the tune of the guitar again to signal that it was time for Leah to make her entrance onto the seen. I took a deep breath, praying that the Lord would help me to drink every moment of this in!

I spotted her just before she walked she walked under the ivy. I started cursing the ivy that I had just given thanks for, because it was blocking my sight of Leah for a moment. Then she appeared again on the arm of her father. What a picture of our Heavenly Father’s love. There is so much to Leah and her dad’s story…it was amazing to see him puffing out his chest as proud as only a father could be! Leah was wearing a white dress that she had made for her wedding day. There are precious thoughts that I had about her in that dress, but I am going to keep those for me! It almost hurt taking her hand from her dad. After handing her life into my care, he stood there for a second. I’m sure that some people thought that he got confused or forgot what to do…but, I looked at his face and saw something different. I’m thankful for Bruce Kirk not shrugging away his emotions that day and actually allowing himself to feel the weight of the moment. Leah and I turned and Steve started telling our story to those who attended.

Steve walked us through our own story, and then took drew back the “curtain” to show how we are all a part of a greater story that makes it possible for us to love; God’s story. We then gave our vows to each other. We had written them ourselves. I was in awe as Leah promised to respect and love me. “Really? What do you see in me that makes you want to choose to promise that,” I thought. Like I said, we serve a God of redemption and grace! As we exchanged our vows, leaves fell on us from the tree that stood over us. A good friend of mine, Josh Farrar, said that he felt like he was standing to watch an important moment in the life of the Church. My brother, Nathan, said that is looked like the Holy Spirit of God was descending on us. It might sound presumptuous of me to say, but it felt like that to me! I felt the Lord blessing us as we promised to serve each other even though we knew it was going to hurt sometimes. I felt the Spirit guiding us as took His Holy Communion. As we took the bread and drank the juice that symbolized Jesus willingly dying of our sins so that we could be reconciled to the Father, I heard Jon singing:

“…Love is right hereLove is aliveLove is the wayThe truth the lifeLove is the
river than flows throughLove is the arms that are holding youLove is the place
you will fly toLove never fails you.”

Steve pronounced us, we sealed it with a kiss, took pictures to prove that actually happened, and then partied because we wanted to celebrate what the Lord had given us.
I could go on and on about everything that happened at the reception, but I wont. Here is what I want you to know about my perception of the reception: I had a giant gummy bear for my grooms cake (which proves how cool Leah is for letting me have it!), we had a photo booth for people to take some pictures so they could remember our wedding, everyone got along, Leah and I enjoyed our first dance as husband and wife, and I wish I could relive the day again.

So dancing at the concert on Monday night was a great reminder of that day. Waking up beside Leah every morning is a great reminder that the Lord has the power to do anything He wants…and He chose to let me marry Leah…He’s a good God!

What I Am Liking Right Now

Okay, I haven't written on this stupid blog in a long time. And, for good reason. I have been experiencing the busiest time of my life. I have: started a new job, been planing a wedding, taking 12 miserable hours of school, and trying to figure out what the hell to make of the calling that the Lord has placed on my life. To say the least, this blog is the last thing I am worried about. However, with my lack concern of this blog, maybe I there has also been a lack of concern about the need for me to recharge my batteries. So, with that in mind, here are a list of things that I am so enjoying in the world right now:

I always enjoy the preaching of Mark Driscoll! He is: blunt, harsh at time (he sometimes drives Leah crazy the way he makes fun of other religions... to be honest her getting crazy makes me like him all the more... sorry honey!), and he is truthful with the Gospel. I love the way he is always himself. That is inspiring for someone who struggles with how to properly communicate (I'm talking about me!!).

My favorite new album is by Darius Rucker! He just released a new country record. What I love most about Darius (besides the Burger King commercial he did) is the fact that the guy can sing anything! After Hootie and the Blowfish hung it up (again), he did a R&B/ Soul album. It sounded great! And now he has put together a great country album. I don't care what anyone says about country music; this album is great. It has some funny country tunes. There is a steel guitar in the background. I have always loved Darius' voice. This album has some beautiful tunes that really represent well the affections that I have in my heart for my future wife ("History in the Making"...killer song for me right now!) . There is also a song on the album called "I Hope They Get to Me In Time". The album is good for me right now... and I have no clue why!

When it comes down to it, I like my new job. I work for BluefishTV.com. We create vidio driven Bible studies and teaching clips. I love the fact that we are a non-profit company. What that means for me is this: there isn't anyone getting rich in the name of Jesus. We fly in the face of other Christian companies who are making a boatload of cash off of over priced crap! We have a sister organization called RightNOW.org. They connect people with missionary organizations (it's a cool thing!!). Here's the deal: money that Bluefish makes off of our videos is generated to help RightNOW! That is cool to me!! Here is what I love the most about Bluefish: We offer our video clips for $1.99! Other companies that create similar clips charge $15-$20 for 3 minute clips!!! Are you kidding me! The best part about my job (other than the fact that I get a paycheck!) is that Bluefish just posted a Blog entry about the reason why we are cheaper that ANYONE else. In my own words (not anyone else at the organization!!): We just stood up to "man" in the Christian Media world. STOP TRYING TO BLEED THE LOCAL CHURCH DRY!!! I will be honest, I hate the stupid crap that I see in Christian bookstores... I think I am going to make someone choke on one of those stupid Testimints!!!!! Here is the link to the blog http://bluefishtv.blogspot.com/2008/09/why-bluefish-tv-is-sticking-with-199.html#idc-container; check out the comments of church leaders. There are some comments from people in the industry that hate the fact that we can offer these clips at this price. It is interesting. I am just happy to be working for an organization that is willing to shake things up! I like it when people get uncomfortable!!

I always enjoy people who are authentic. Authenticity is the same as truth is my opinion. I strive to be authentic in the way I live my live and in my words. I always enjoy the words of my good friend Steve Hayes. Steve and I have a funny relationship. We have shared some good times, and most of those times have everything to do with what Jesus has done in our lives. I love the latest post on his blog. Truth hurts. http://cajunroastbeef.blogspot.com/2008/09/statistically-speaking.html If you don't know Steve... you should! Steve is a senior pastor. There will always be room in the church for pastors who are willing to talk about the truth in their own lives, even if it means that people know they are screwed up. I love Steve's honesty. I also love it when Steve gives me money!!!!

Search For Home

I have always loved this piece of art. It is by a guy named Chris Koelle. Every time I look at it I feel a depth inside me that I am not sure what to do with. It's as if I am standing by the Grand Canyon, looking down into vast space. When I look at the twilight of this drawing I see a journey. You know those journeys people take to find something they don't have? Those journeys people step out on to follow a calling that they feel has been placed on their lives? Those journeys that have inspired books to be written, and those books inspire people to make a movie. That is the journey that I see when I look at the caverns and trees of this drawing. In the foreground you can see a tiny beaten path that has been forged by people taking such a journey.

Have you ever felt that? Have you ever felt the weight of a journey like that? You stand in comforts of the life you have been leading, but something doesn't feel complete... there is something more... something you are being called to. I have... I do. I think there is a search that is constantly brewing inside all of us. A search for some sort of silver lining in the situation we are in... if we find that silver lining, we want to know where that silver is coming from. We want to know where the light that illuminates that silver is. Because we want to be there! We want to be where the light is easy to see. We want to feel the warmth of the shining sun. We look at the damp darkness that life can often times surround us with, and our souls cry out of more than this. It screams, "I was meant for more than darkness and the dust that cages me here!" We catch a glimpse of that silver lining in our circumstances and we want more! So we set out toward the illuminated horizon which our being feels called to. We back up our things. We say our goodbyes. We try our best to answer the questions that people ask when they don't understand. We take deep breaths as we stand by the road. We look both ways before we put our feet on that road. Because we know that once we feel the texture beneath our feet we will never be the same. Not knowing where the road is leading... in faith we put one foot in front of the other.

We keep looking toward the horizons at that light. We travel for days. We take our shoes off as we walk because it feels like holy ground that we are on. We give ourselves totally over to the calling to travel that we feel. We climb a hill called "fear" thinking that beyond this hill is the light. Because, surely the steep and tall hill of "fear" is high enough to see the light from. We get to the top of "fear" hill to find that the light is still so far away. And just as this drawing shows, there are more dark valleys that must be crossed before the land of light can be reached. In that moment there is so much despair that over takes you. You sit and weep about the new distance that you must journey through. Hope is hard to find. Darkness seems to surround you again, so you sit down and try to force yourself to embrace this new truth that has been forced on you.

Out of the corner of your eye you see a small flicker of dim light. You look around trying to capture it again, but it has moved. You are so frantic for any source of light that can give you some hope. Then you see it again. It moved closer... then further along the road. You get up to get a closer look. It's a firefly. It's awe inspiring. It's small, but it's full of symbolism. So you keep walking.

I've been listening to a guy named Thad Cockrell. He has a song called "A Country of My Own". It has been speaking to my heart of some time now. I am realizing that I am looking for something of my own! I am looking for a sense of home. A country that seems to fit who I am. A place that still causes me to be stretched, but also a place to grow. Every time I think I have found it (or that I have been called to it), it isn't what it appeared. Something doesn't work out. There is nothing for me there. My heart feels dryer there than any place that I have been before. People don't understand why I am there. There are so many reasons, like these, that have seemed to be the common thread as I have been trying to find this "Country of My Own". This "home" or "country" isn't necessarily a physical place. I have found many new places with the Lord, as I have stood still! However, I am still standing just past a leap of faith with my direction darken. I have a calling from the Lord... but it's hard to find much more than that right now! It's like jogging in place to get your legs warm for long run... but an hour later you haven't ran an inch, but your legs sure are tired from an hours worth of running. You want to see how far you can run. You want to see how well you can run the distance that is laid before you. But someone or something stands in your way telling you to wait. Telling you that it isn't your time yet. Telling you to keep preparing for your turn. But your legs get more and more tired.

"What now?", is all that I can seem to say to the Lord right now. What does He want me to do?

It Happened

On July 1st, I asked Leah to marry me. I taught for the last time at The HUB (the college group at Irving Bible Church). After teaching, I was giving them my farewell address, and I asked Leah to come up to the front with me. I showed a photo slide show of some pictures of us. I had Craig (he leads worship for the group) play "On a Night Like This" by Dave Barnes. The last slide said: "Leah, will you marry me?" She turned back to me after watching the screen as I hit a knee. I told her how my love for her had grown over the last year and how I didn't want to start a new phase of my life without her. I then asked her to marry me. She cried, and then said YES! The college group had gotten us a cake, so we celebrated. I am amazed at how the Lord can take a guy like me to a place where a girl like Leah wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I am blown away. I was speechless of about 5 minutes. "Holy is the Lord, God Almighty!"

10 Days of Honduras

Here is my trip to Honduras as promised:

I was a part of a team of about 40 believers from the United States that descended upon Honduras to help finish a very long bridge and put roofs and floors on about 15 houses. There where 3 church groups that went. There where 2 of us from Texas and another from Florida. If you know me at all you are probably waiting for me to talk about how hard it was to find community in such circumstances. You are probably waiting for me to give out a laundry list of the reasons and ways this trip could have been better if they had just let me lead. Sorry to disappoint you but that isn't what I am going to say. We had a great group of people, and there where great men that led us while we where there.

Because there where some problems problems getting the cable for the bridge out of customs, our first day was spent roofing and flooring. These Honduran people live in poverty. They bath and go to the bathroom in the same place! There houses are made out of mud bricks! In total for the week, we put steel sheet roofs on 8 of these houses, and we put 6 cement floors over the dirt that these people called a floor. How blessed are we that we have carpet and hard wood floors? These people had next to nothing, and they seemed to be so happy. How is that? They where so grateful for the work we where doing for them. They never tried to make excuses of why they didn't need our help. They thanked us. They cried. They gave us hugs. They accepted grace. As I have been back in the States, I have noticed a difference. The need for grace makes people ashamed here.

I also helped with the construction of the bridge. I use the work help loosely. I cut some cable and made a lot of jokes. I met a family from Florida named the Caldwell's. I got the chance to watch this family serve together. It was amazing. While i was cutting the cables for the bridge Mike Caldwell told me something about myself that I didn't think was true. After working for hours he walked up to me and said: "If I was starting a business, I would hire you on the spot! I can ask you to do something, and you'll do it. And if you don't know how, you'll ask for help." I am a stubborn guy. I am proud, and I hate not knowing how to do something... this guy just told me I was teachable. It's been a long time since someone described me as teachable or flexible.

We also did VBS. W all chose a certain color of shirt at he beginning of the week. Each color had a certain day of VBS. You worked construction in the morning, than after lunch your color did VBS. There where hundreds of kids everyday. My day at VBS was the hardest for me. I want to be a daddy so bad. And I feel like I need to communicate in order to breath properly. So, I was surrounded by kids that I couldn't talk to. It was a hard afternoon. I go so frustrated. I was a wreck the rest of the day. That night I took a walk. I prayed. I heard the Lord saying to me: "You keep expecting to be able to live your life on your own strength! You expected to come out here and do this trip on your own! How insane are you? You don't speak the language, but you assumed you could communicate! You need me! I want you to need me!" It is sobering when you hear the Lord speak to you no matter where you go.

I met a lot of people that I don't want to forget. I met a pastor named Rob. We laughed and talked theology together. We where totally open and honest. It was beautiful. I met an intern named BJ that seemed to connect with me. I see a younger version of myself in him (in a weird way!), and I'm not sure if that is good or bad for him! He's a good guy that truly wants to spread the name of Jesus! I met a recovering drug addict that is desperately seeking the Lord. He has a great heart. I watched him cry some heavy tears as we where leaving. What a picture of grace! I mentioned the Caldwell family. They spoke to my heart. They are not perfect, but they love each other! They serve together. They spoke to my heart. They give me hope! I met and couple named Noel and Emily. They made me laugh. I love their marriage. It is inspiring! A member of my team was Preston. I already knew him, but I will never look at him the same way! He served and cared so much for the Honduran people. He was affected as soon as we got there! He is as genuine as they come.

I also saw Leah in a new way on this trip. She was one of the translators for the trip. She was pushed and pulled in so many different directions, but she never got frustrated. She never told anyone no. She never stopped serving. That is beautiful! Her heart seemed to get bigger and bigger the longer she was there. Just when I thought she couldn't get more amazing, we take this trip! I am blown away!

There is still so much to say about this trip, but I don't have the room! Please, call me or email me. Let me talk your ear off over a cup of coffee or a frosty beverage! The Lord is faithful and good!

Honduras

I just got back into the country from Honduras. I was over there for 10 days. I am very tired, and cranky (imagine that!). I promise I will write a nice long post about what the Lord did on this trip, because He did a lot! He did more than I will ever know. It was a great trip, with a lot of amazing people.

However, we where on the plane flying over the world, not even back on American soil and "regular life" came beckoning. It's back to bills, jobs, and money issues to talk about! That makes me sad, but it's life! Now comes the hard part for me; not forgetting what the Lord has shown me through this trip. The Lord is good, and I am truly amazed at how He works in all of the smallest details of our existence!

A more detailed post is in the works... just give me some time to get reacquainted with air conditioning!

Another Year Inside My Head

Before I actually write this post, I need to admit that this post will go against the last post I wrote! The following lines will be filled with thoughts about my life during the past year. I will proceed to help you understand me, and I might even try to persuade you to believe that there is hope for me yet! Now, I know that people like Steve Hayes will leave me comments calling me out on my hypocrisy... but Steve is a jerk (that I love)! With that said...

Today is my 26th birthday! There has been so much that has happened to me this year that I almost don't know where to begin. So, in no particular order:

: This year has brought me a great relationship with a girl that I don't deserve! May 20th will be a year for us! She has truly been a blessing! We have seen some very hard nights, but there have been so many great days for us this year! We have watched some great baseball games at the ball park! We had our first kiss, our first argument, and moments of total acceptance than neither one of us ever thought we would find in another person!

:I went the farthest North that I have ever been this year! I went to Idaho with Leah for Thanksgiving. It was breath taking to be in the valley of McCall surrounded by mountains and snow. I had a week of meeting new people, trying to relate to them, and then figuring out that I get in the way of people ever truly knowing me! We also spent time in Boise (there are lots of bars there! It was great!). Idaho was filled with: snow, mountains, great people, good beer, and revelations! It don't get much better than that!

:This year has seen me walk into the doors of Celebrate Recovery at Irving Bible Church! Over the past six to seven months I have spent more time with alcoholics, drug addicts, and guys like me that struggle with sexual addictions! And, I must say that i have found a level of honesty and raw emotion in other people that I have always craved! This time has uncovered a lot of scars that I never really wanted to deal with and some that I never knew where there. It is the hardest thing I ever done. I have never truly tried to look at my life from any other perspective than as a unworthy S.O.B. I have come to understand so much more about the Lord than I ever have. I've always know that the loves me, but I never believed that people could. I always thought: "If you really knew me, you wouldn't like me... or even be able to stomach me!" Because I have had some important people walk out on me in this life, I have spent most of my life trying to survive and protect myself from being hurt again! I adopted the mentality: "Hurt them before they hurt you. Make them leave before they decide to walk out!" This thinking has caused me to become a bitter and cynical guy that holds everyone at arms length. It has made me a tired and angry person. However, this year has seen the Lord crowd me and make me feel uncomfortable with the knowledge of His love and mercy. He has crowded me so much that I have cried on His shoulder and talked about the deepest, darkest, and dirtiest parts of my life and heart with another man. The Lord has helped me step out of the darkness and into His light! While I am still having a hard time believing it, I am starting to understand: "People love and care about me!"

:There have been many post on this blog where I have spoken about my longings to be anywhere other than here! I was walking in the cool air last night before I went to bed, and I realized that I have found contentment in my life! Where did that come? The Lord is better than I know!

That's a good year in my life! I hope my friends and family can say the same on their birthdays as they look back.

What Do I Say Now?

I have been pondering what to do about this blog. The reason I started it was to get out a lot of frustrations in my life and to feel like there was someone listening to me. Over the past 5 months I haven't needed that... or at least not from this blog. So this blog is no longer for such things. It's time for me to spend my time on more important things than me! I heard a preacher say that this life doesn't terminate on us, so don't try to make it about you. There is more to this life that what I think, so I'm going to stop acting like my opinion is the most important one!

I just got finished reading the last couple of posts that I wrote for this stupid blog. I have two observations:

1. I can't spell to save my life! Not even spell check has an answer for me!

2. I sure do piss and moan a lot!

I will start using a dictionary before I press "publish", and I will get all of my crying out before I start typing!