The Great Restlessness of a Soul

I walked through a busy store the other day, and I knew I wasn't alone. That might sound funny to some, but it is not that uncommon to stand in the midst of a crowd and still feel all alone... it happens to us more than we would like to admit. I watched as people walked past me in this store, and I noticed that I wasn't the only one in the store that was annoyed at the fact that there where other people around. In fact, there where many of us that where angry at the nerve of these other people that thought they could shop in the same place as us. "This is Wal-Mart for crying out loud! What gives anyone but me the right the be here?", I thought as I waited my turn to reach for something on the shelf... While I am writing this story in jest, it is pointing me to a truth about me right now... My heart is restless and it is making my angry!

It never fails that around this time of the year I have this urgent yearning to run away. I just want to get the "heck" out of here. I almost don't care where I go, just get me away from this place. But, this time it's different. There is a groaning that has been consistently escaping from my soul. A groaning that there is something terribly wrong with me... I'm out of rhythm with my Creator. I'm not walking in the ways he created me to walk. Caedmon's Call has a great new album "Overdressed", and there is an amazing song called "Hold the Light". There is a line that says, "It's been a long year, like a sleepless night. Jacob wrestled the angel, but I'm too tired to fight..." I feel those words more than I want to. The song is referencing the Old Testament story where Jacob wrestled with the angel of the Lord, and walked away with a limp to remind him of the struggle. I don't have a physical limp for the crap that is going on inside me. I'm tired of feeling the need to post thoughts like this for all of you to see. I'm tired of feeling like every step taken is off the path the Lord has laid for me. I am restless, and I want to get away from this season of my life... even though I know the Lord is using this to sanctify me... and I'm getting too tired to fight Him... and maybe that's for the best...

"Lord break me down, and strip away all the garbage in my filthy heart! I'm tired of these dirty heartaches that I have been wearing like royal clothing... they are robbing me of You! I don't want to fight you anymore! I just want some peace about who You are and what you are doing in and for me! I just want you to hold me and let me know that I haven't gone too far away from you! I want to believe in your forgiveness again, but it's hard to see from the garbage I'm swimming in! Help me to find a place to slow down and be still... God save me from myself, even though you already have!"

Oh Great Mystery!

What happens to a born-again Christian when their world grows dark? When their world seems distant from the richness of God? Where does a believer turn when their soul has seemed to dry up? What is this soul to do with Jesus' words, "I am living water" when only dust is kicked up by their steps? What happened to me... when did this happen?

If I could be totally honest with anyone who is reading this, I would be forced to say that it has been a long time since I have felt the rushing waters of Jesus wash over me. My days have been marked by an overwhelming dryness. It seems that I woke up one day to find that I am a cynical, dry, unloving bastard! (If you are someone who has personally walked through this life with me for any length of time, and are having thoughts that I am being to hard on myself...keep those thought to yourself, and keep reading! This is not the classic Chad that has a low view of himself... this is a humbled Chad that is finding out just how little he understands!...keep reading.) While I know this did not happen over night, it seems that I have always been this way... but I know that can't be true... but I can't remember that last time I looked out on this landscape of my Christ restored life and did not have something cynical to say about: the church, pastors, the music on Christian radio or in church service, "so-called" Christians, or myself. It is overwhelming for my to think that I might actually be nothing more than a sore than a helping hand. What if I have become more of hindrance to the Gospel than an agent of it? Where did I turn the wrong way? My God, when was the last time I took a step that was in sync with yours?

I know this is a lot coming from a guy like me. I know this is a lot of junk to throw into one post on this stupid blog... but I feel like I have no choice.

I do not want to sound arrogant, because this is going to come out all wrong...but it is the best way I can say it right now. I don't have a problem seeing the big picture that God is painting... for the most part. When I look at the situations and events in my life, I can usually see the bigger things at work behind what is physically happening. I have no problem seeing that the Lord is teaching me this or that when things get "hard". I, for the most part, do a "good job" of keeping a level head about what happens in the day-to-day. Even when things start to feel like they are crushing me... I find a way to see the larger things that the Lord is doing. For those of you who have been with me for the past 2 to 3 years have seen me stumble through divorce and heartache. While there where major points of discontentment and hurt, I could always see that the Lord was using the situation to bring me to a closer dependence on Him. He was trying to draw her back to Him. He was purifying me through fire to get me to a point where I would be better used by Him. This was the lens in which I walked through my divorce. While there was pain and questions during long nights, I never truly questioned who God was or His love for me. I only say all of that to say this: I can see the Lord moving in and around me... but it rarely moves me to a stirring passion of action and worship! How does that happen? How does a believer see the hand of God with a moderate clarity and it not affect Him that same way it moved David or Paul? When did I loose a passion for the workings of the Lord?

I have a problem sitting through a church service. While I am surrounded by believers raising their hands and singing praise to the same Lord that I love... all I can do is wonder if it is real. In my head I question their actions. I don't think that I am better or more authentic... I just question them. Are they just being emotional? Are they just wanting to look good? Let me stop and simply say this: I question them because I am not moved to such actions... and maybe it is starting to eat at me that they seemingly feel something about my God that I don't. There is a void in me that seemingly should not be there. So here is the nuts and bolts of my situation right now:

I have no passion for the Lord! I love Him, and I know that He is my salvation. But, I have a dry soul. The scriptures speak of a mystery found in the life and working of the Lord... but I find no mystery in what I see day-to-day. Don't get me wrong I still look at a sunset and wonder how He does it. I have a contentment about the Lord that most people seek after (I'm not boasting, just try to sort this crap out!!). My problem is my contentment that tells me the Lord is good and loves me enough to know me before I was even borne, it is keeping from a passion that wets my appetite to see Him move. It is keeping me from finding a mystery in Him that breaks me. I'm not looking for an emotional moment, just a moment that knocks me on my ass! I want to see something that has nothing to do with me but is altogether larger than anything that i could ever do. But I fear that I am not going to find it here. The mystery of God has escaped me, or maybe I have such a high view of myself that I have blinded myself from it. Maybe I think I have everything figured out that I have no need to be in awe of how great the Lord is... I hope that is not it. I hope I am humble enough to know that I am a fractured awful excuse for a son of the risen Lord. I hope my heart isn't hardened to the point that I feel I am equal with the Lord. I just want to find the place where I can marvel at the Lord. That place where He is beautiful in His small and big ways! Because I see Him moving... it just returns void on me right now. I want to be mystified at His dealing with this world. I want a passion that moves me to action!

So, with ALL of that said, this is my journey right now: The mystery of the Lord and a passion for him.