A Boy Walking In A Man's Shoes

As a guy that struggles with the thought of being a man:

I am frightened by the people who look to me for any amount of strength or guidance. Not that there are many, but there are those who see or talk to me on a daily basis and those who ask me questions about this life I am stumbling through. And there are those who listen to my words. Why would people in committed relationships even think of asking insight from a guy who couldn't make his marriage work? Don't dismiss that statement because you think I am being too hard on myself. Read that sentence again, then try and give me an answer. It scares me straight to my core, to think that people might actually listen to my jumbled words about relationships. All I have to offer are lists of thing NOT to do.

Don't dismiss her dreams... she believes in you.

Don't forget the way she looked in her dress as she walked down the aisle.

Don't let the hard days at work destroy the good in her heart.

Don't forget that she listens to the words you say to her.

Don't forget the things she gave up to be by your side.

Don't forget to help her clean the dishes.

Don't forget to show her the love you tell her about.

Don't wait, capture her heart again tonight.

Don't forget that she is worth it... ALL of it.

"You call me a boy, but I'm tryin' to be a man."- Mat Kearney

As a guy, I am scared of the thought of being a man:

I am scared of being "okay". I am scared that if I don't have something fight my way through... I might have nothing at all. I am not trying to be dramatic, just honest. What am I supposed to do if I'm not fighting for a marriage, if I'm not fighting for respect, if I'm not fighting a woman's heart, if I'm not fighting to love the man God is shaping me into?... What am I if I am "okay" with being me? I am scared because I have never been at this place I am right now... I have never before been "okay" with who I am... but that is the place I am finding myself. I don't know how to be "okay" among a group of people that have watched me struggle through hard seasons of my life. What do they expect from me if I don't have that usual disposition? So I run away from them, because I am scared... and I don't know why.

I am scared of being a man:

I am scared that the things the Lord tells me might be true. He tells me that He loves me. Why would He do that? I am scared that He DOES know everything about me. I am not scared of dying, but I scared of dying before running this race the way He knows I can. I am scared that He is right about the man He tells me I can be... because now I have no choice but to be that man.

Despite these fears, I am more of a man than I have ever been. I have cried tears worth crying. I have laughed like a girl, and loved every moment of it. I have said words other were too scared to say. I have made a stand, and paid the price. I have loved when other called it foolish. I dream of things bigger than me. I am more of a man today because the Lord won't give up on me. He keeps whispering to me, "You're worth my blood. You're good... you're good kid!"

I am scared... but He is... He just IS.