Bright Days Can Be In Sufficient

Inadequate- not adequate: IN SUFFICIENT

This is the way Webster defines "inadequate". When they put it like that, it doesn't sound so bad... in fact, it sounds inconsequential (illogical: IRRELEVANT: of no significance: UNIMPORTANT). Looking at these definitions that attempt to define what I am feeling, they make this feeling of inadequacy seem small. Small, as if one could simply crush it beneath their shoe as they walk through life. If that is true, if inadequacy is irrelevant and unimportant; or something that is easily brushed to the side... then why can't I shake it, in even my strongest of moments?

At age 18 I put my faith in a God that I was told knew everything about my past, present, and future... and I was told that He still loved me enough to give up His life to save mine. I felt the acceptance that only His love can provide to a soul that had always felt inadequate. By the time I was 18 I had totally bought into the lies that told me I would never be good enough... smart enough... hansom enough... I swam to the deepest parts of these lies and waded there until I got too tired to keep my head above those dark waters... I sunk to the dark bottom of the lies that keep kids from seeing the love of their parents or the brightness of the minds the Lord has given them or the goodness the Lord places in their hearts. I lived with the knowledge that I would never stack up against the other kids. I knew I would never have the dashing good looks of the guys that always got the girl. Then somehow, a light pierced through the murky waters of this worlds lies. The Lord lifted me out of the muddy waters and washed me with His truth and love until I was clean...

I am now 25 with hair that is quickly greying and a back that aches and bows like a 50 year old! I have lived some life that has been great and fulfilling and I have days in my past that have caused pain and sleepless nights that sometimes still feel like they haven't ended. I have seen the Lord pursue me like a lover even when it felt like the entire world had walked away. He has restored a heart that had been broken into thousands of pieces. And even today, He has given me a summer of new beginnings in a pair of green eyes that look at me with mystery and affection. I have felt acceptance in abundance... it has actually been tangible: it has touched my shoulder, wrapped it's arms around me, and spoken soft words to the rough places of my life. The Lord has given me the strength and courage to trust. He has given me the boldness to speak the words that He has laid on my heart...

So why, even in the face of all this, do I feel inadequate? Why is there still this place in me that feels less than what the scriptures tells me that I am? How can I still feel insignificant and in sufficient? Because I know the scriptures and how they tell me the power and transcendence of the Lord that calls me son. I know where it says I can move mountains... so why can't I move this mountainous feeling of inadequacy? How have I found my way back to these murky waters after being blinded by the perfect light of salvation and love?...

The word "I" has filled this page... and I think it also answers most of my questions. I am the reason I feel inadequate. There are those who want to give too much credit to the great deceiver of this world... but he cannot force me force me to do or feel anything. While he knows all the right ways to engage and cultivate these emotions... it is still me who acts on and trusts these feelings instead of living in the faith and promises of the Lord. I am not trying to be too hard on myself or not give enough respect to the pain and transgressions that has found its way into my past. This is a hard place for me to stand right now. Because, the Lord has allowed me to be in a peaceful and joyous time in my life, but I still allow insecurities to shape and shift my actions.

Lord, give me the strength to believe you, to run to you, to trust you... help me get your words to move from my head and into my heart... break me all over again if it gets me to the place where your words are louder than those of this dark and lonesome world!

Camping on the Side of a Mountain

I spent last week at Falls Creek Church Camp in Oklahoma. I went with the Cowboy Church of Athens youth group. The youth pastor (Scot Bonner) of the church is good friend of mine, and he was also my youth pastor during my senior year of high school. Over the last seven years of my life this guy has spoken truth into my life during the good and bad times. He has also given me a friendship that has weather immature moments, jokes that have gone too far, and me not being able to properly back up even the smallest of trailers with a truck. So, when he asked me if I would go to camp with him as a sponsor to help him carry the teaching load and wrestle a group of 21 kids I couldn't say no.

During my senior year I attended Falls Creek as a student. I went to that camp as a lost kid that knew all the right answers, but never had an actual confrontation with Jesus. I left that camp as a son of the living God with the salvation of Jesus Christ poured into my heart. So, I was excited about the opportunity to go back to the physical place where Jesus reached down into my mess of a life and saved me.

From the moment that those kids started arriving at the church to head off for camp, I knew I had gotten myself into some trouble. I watched the group as they unloaded their bags from their parents cars, hug their parents good-bye, and then load their bags into the camp trailer. Some where nervous, while others looked like they didn't care about anything was about to happen at a stupid church camp. This was a group of individuals that had never cared about how their actions effected the group as a whole. All of the kids piled into the different vehicles. I drove a truck with four of the upper class boys... that wasn't the best idea Scot ever had.

The entire trip up to Oklahoma was filled with fart jokes, good music, us guys getting to know each other, and the boys taking off their shirts while dancing as we zoomed passed the car that had most of the girls in the group... like I said it wasn't the brightest of Scot's ideas. We had a great time driving slightly faster than the other cars in group, getting lost, the boys play fighting in the back.

We made it to the camp, and camp life immediately started. The dorm was filled with uncomfortable bunk beds, a faint smell of urine, and showers that trickled water instead of actually spraying water. But, from the beginning camp was good to the group. There where more laughter than tears (for the most part). It was like pulling teeth to get some of the guys go to sleep when the lights turned off, and it took literally pulling some of the guys out of bed in the morning.

Every morning I woke up earlier than the guys, and sat in silence as the sun made it's appearance from behind the mountain. The crisp morning air reminded me that the Lord moves in our lives and refreshes the tired soul of those who take the time to stay still long enough. As I would be preparing for the morning bible study, some of the guys would wake up and sit on the porch as they prepared themselves for a morning run. During those morning hours i was able to get to know the hearts of a couple of the guys. As I am thinking back to those morning conversations, I can recognize how men along the way had done the same thing for me in my life. It is a humbling experience when you recognize how the Lord is allowing you to be a part of the kingdom work He is accomplishing.

As the week progressed the kids became more of a group than individuals forced to stay in the same dorm. Scot and I watched as the older girls started spending more and more of their free time with the junior-high girls. You could see a spark in the eyes of the younger girls as they sat at the same dinner table as the older girls. There where those kids that always sat slightly at a distance from the group. I'm not sure if they couldn't trust the other kids because they had been hurt in the past, or if they just enjoyed the solitude...either way, I hope they know that the love of our Heavenly Father is bigger than any bully they might face and it runs deeper than any pain we feel in our lives.

By the end of the week there where three kids that gave their lives to the Lord, at least three that rededicated themselves to the Lord, and two of the girls surrendered to the ministry. There was over 200 kids in the entire camp the entered into the family of the Lord. It was a beautiful thing to watch. While I wrestled with my own set inner turmoil, the sight of all those kids giving their lives to a loving God was soothing. I hear the Lord whispering to me: "Chad, it's okay. Remember when you walked this aisle, and I promised never to leave you? I'm still here, even if you struggle with ways people come to me." Here is a truth about me: I am a jaded guy, that still has a hard time trusting Jesus with a childlike faith. And sitting at camp watching the Lord move and sweep across that mountain has done a number on my heart. There where mornings that I sat in the shadow that that mountain trying to find words to pray to my Lord... and none came. My thought where all over the map. My heart was pumping with a pain, because I had gotten to the place where I thought I knew what was best for the Lord. I thought I knew what style of music was best for the Lord. I thought my words would be the best for the Lord. Like a lot of people that get an ego, I forgot how the Lord knows so much more than me. He knows every strand of hair my head (or where ever else that hair is). I am thankful that the Lord is patient with us.

Driving away from camp was a good feeling. It was a good time, filled with the spirit of God and lots of fun. But, just like those students in the youth group, it was time for me to walk down from that mountain and back into the life the Lord has called me to live. The truth is, life is not meant to be lived on an emotional high. The Lord calls us to stay on a level surface when we walk with him. He doesn't want us to get to high on the emotions this world draws us to, and he doesn't want us to fall down to low when we feel burdened. He wants us to trust Him with the big and small things, while we continue to explore Him.

I love those kids for the Cowboy Church in Athens, Texas. They have taught me more more than I probably tried to teach them.