The Quietness Of a Child

I was taking a ride with a friend yesterday. He was trying to be positive about the day his family had endured... but to be honest, it wasn't working that well. He tried to make jokes or change the subject, but the conversation inevitable returned to the hard day he was having. It would go silent in the van (except the babbling of his youngest daughter in the back seat) as he watched the landscape zoom by through his window.

My buddy has four beautiful children (three boys and a girl). The moment you walk into his house you see their artwork framed and hanging on the walls. There are countless family pictures scattered throughout the house. There are more toys in this house than most day cares have. There is no doubt how much these kids mean to my friends. If there is one thing that you notice above all other things in the house are thousands of letters. Plastic multi-colored letters, magnetic letters, thin foamy letter, letters on the side of small building blocks...My friends have an autistic child who loves letters. The first time you met this youngster, you have no clue that he is any different than his siblings... or any other child for that matter. He sits among the thousands of letters and separates them into words or places them in alphabetical order. He keeps his head down and concentrates on the letters. He looks brilliant as he sifts through the different colored letters. You can see his mind working... he keeps looking until he finds the exact letter he was looking for. You would never know there was anything different about him at first glance... but you sit there and watch him work... five, ten, fifteen minutes go by and he never acknowledges your presents. He isn't placing the letters in order for your approval... it is as if he doesn't care that you are there. His actions do not hinge on your approval... he is in his own place.

As you watch him, your heart slowly starts to hurt. You call his name because you want to connect...he continues to spell word after word. You sit beside him on the floor and ask him what he is spelling... he doesn't respond to your words, but he is quick to push you out of the way if you have sat on the letter he needs to finish his latest word. You feel helpless as you watch... and this isn't even YOUR child. Your mind races to the parents.

Yesterday, my friends had a conference with their sons therapist. They where reminded how hard their son's life might be. It broke their hearts all over again. It was his birthday yesterday... parents shouldn't feel such a weight on their child's birthday. They watched him destroy the icing off of two cupcakes. I smiled as I watched him go to town; then I looked back at his mother. You could see the remains of a tear filled afternoon. It was a bittersweet moment for her. She tells her husband that she wants to be positive and faithful because the Lord has given her such a great gift in her children... but it isn't coming easy for her (what an amazing gal, she is). What do you say? What is there to say?

"My wife took one on the chin today!" my friend says as he breaks the silence. Everyday she takes care of these great kids. I watch these people be Godly parents. They speak love and affection to all of their kids... even if not all of them yet fully understand what love is. There is almost nothing more beautiful than the sight of a child sitting on their father lap. The Lord constantly shows us glimpses of Himself as our father.

Lamentations 3:22-24 "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."

This morning my friends had to wake up with their children and restarted the cycle again... just like they have done for years. Nothing had changed for the family when the sun came up today. Autism is still a part of their day...but so is the love of the Father. This morning the Lord poured out new mercy on the households of His children. For my friends, this means new strength to love their children no matter how hard it might be... even if they never receive such a love in return... "The Lord is my portion, therefore I will hope in him."

I Would Take a Bullet For You...

Yesterday was a horrible day for this nation. At Virginia Tech University a shooter killed 31 people on campus. He turned his gun on himself and left a campus and a nation in shock and sadness. As I write this, I am on my own campus states away... and it is business as usual. A few teachers have mentioned the event in a prayer, but not much else has been said. I am not speaking out against my college or the students who I sit among. This is a confession of a guy who says a lot of things, but does very little to put action to those words.

I was driving with a buddy of mine a couple of months back. We where driving down the George W. Bush Turnpike with the windows down. We had Mat Kearney playing over the wind coming through the windows. As we sang along to the song "Bullet", I actually started to listen to the words I was singing:

It doesn't matter if they call me wrong,
It doesn't matter if ya' steal my
song,
It doesn't matter if we're all alone,
It doesn't matter at all,
I
would take a bullet for you.
I would across any line or swim across the
sea.
I would loose it all or take my fall to show you it's for real.

It reminded me of Jesus and what His life was for us.

1 John 3:16"By this we know love, that He laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."

I sat for a moment in quiet reflection on the way I was living my life. I turned down the music and said one of the most honest sentences I ever said about myself:

"I would step in front of a bullet for someone, not because it is something Jesus would do, but because it is heroic and people would remember such an act... But I wouldn't give up an afternoon nap to help anyone. I sleep through my phone ringing with a broken hearted friend on the other end, because I am selfish... My naps are more important than helping people in need. How sad is that? A nap?... I would forsake the commandments of my Savior for a 45 minute nap? I want the Lord to use me in a mighty way, but I won't give up a nap to dig into His word? I want to be a leader, but I could care less about people if they are trying to interrupt my nap with their "problems"? How pathetic! Jesus spent so much time in His ministry without sleep. What would have happened if He didn't wake up from His nap to calm the storm and teach His disciples about His power and sovereignty? What if when they awoke Him, He shot them the bird and went back to sleep? I know this is a bit extreme, but I hope you get my point. There is an awful feeling in the pit of your stomach when you find out that you rarely live the words that you say you live by. Humble, is a mild word for that feeling. But the Lord is stronger than anything that I can possible do or be. He lived a life that covers all my sin and hypocrisy. How beautiful it is to know that He loves me in spite of myself.

I am without words when it comes to yesterday's shooting at Virginia Tech. How sad is it when a life is taken on the whims of another person? The Lord is just, in spite of our limited understanding. He is bigger that this...I need a nap.

25 Years of My Mothers Patients

Today is my birthday. I am 25 years old. For some, this is a young age to find yourself, and for others it is a milestone. I am not too sure how I feel about being 25. My family does not have a history of making a massive ordeal about our birthdays. We call each other (most of the time) and share our love for each other. We all know that the other members of the family are thankful of the time we get to be with each other. However, there aren't gifts that are given or big parties. This might seem weird or "not enough" for some, but it the way my family operates. It has taken me a long time to be okay with this, but here I am ecstatic for the phone calls from my family. I talked to my brothers and had some good laughs. Then my mom called and sang me "Happy Birthday"... I almost cried.

It has become somewhat of a tradition for me to get on this blog and write about my feelings about the last year of my life. I have had two different roommates that have stretched and challenged me to be a better man. I have dating a couple of times... and then laughed at myself. There have been many ups and downs this year. I have come to terms with who I am... and I can smile when I look in the mirror. This year has been one of small steps... but I have come a tremendous distance by the grace of a loving God. He has lead my places that have cut away rough parts and He has led me to a peacefully place to rest in Him. How can i fit all of these lessons and laughs in such a small space?

Let me say this: This past year has brought reconciliation for me and my family. My family is stronger than we have ever been. It has become a tribute to my mom for us three sons to go to work and work hard. I have come to understand that I carry all of the sacrifices my mother with me when I go into the world. I go to work and manage a single mother that just got married... I can't help but see my mother toiling all those years for my future... so I find the patients to manage a group of people that will never understand how much I care about them. I go to school because my mother never a chance to further her education because she had to raise three terrors.

The Lord has the power to restore and redeem. He has redeemed so many people and things this past year. He is just, even when I can't understand why. How can such a beautiful God find a place to love such a sick man like me? There is nothing in me that is worthy of His glory... and yet He continues to impart Himself to me. His grace is always active in the comings and goes of my life. His grace is the signature of this past year. His fingerprints are all over the events of my past, and He has written my future... He has written it with love and mercy. And He will defend me with passion and justice.

During my conversation with my mom today, we shared some good laughs. She told me that she was thankful that I was a part of her life, and I thanked her for having me... she said "Your welcome!" ... what a gal my mom is! (Am I a momma's boy or what?) Thank all of you for being a part of my life!

Easter 2007

1983 was my first Easter... it snowed. This is a picture of me with the snow bunny that my brothers made. Fast forward 2007...it snows again. This is the snow bunny that the three of us made.
I have always loved Easter... probably because it is so close to my birthday. This year was awesome. I went down to Crockett to be with my family (It seems that I always have something to write about after being with my family). Both of my brothers where down with there kids. We had BBQ from Pop's BBQ pit (taste amazing every time). After the food was done cooking we built a fire in the smoke box of the pit. All of us just sat and stood around the fire talking and trying to stay warm. It was so cold this year. We had a lot of good laughs as we sat around the fire. It strikes me how many great memories are made around Pop's BBQ pit.

As Christians we celebrate Easter because Jesus' tomb was found empty after He was beaten, killed, and buried for our sins. We see Easter as a symbol of Him overthrowing the power of death. It is beautiful. And this Easter, I saw Him over come all the death and junk that has bound my family for a long time. He resurrected the "family holiday" for us. We hunted eggs inside (it was too cold outside), we eat birthday cake (happy birthday to me... and Eavn), and had a great snowball fight that ended with me getting hit in the gut... snowballs hurt!

Happy Easter! I hope you all find the peace and joy that Jesus offers in a life redeemed by His blood. I hope you hold your family a little closer. I hope you laugh a little deeper. I hope you are a little more thankful when you eat those large meals. I hope you find rest. Happy Easter!