Rain, Bitterness... And Fishing?

There is nothing quiet like a nice rain storm. Even this concrete city seems dry from the lack of rain. Like a good cry can calm the soul, a good rain can refresh the senses of the earth. There is something exciting about a hard rain that blows through the day. The sky goes dark, the temperature drops, and a scent fills the air. Then the rain comes in sheets. The wind blows it in different directions until it hits the ground. And, all we can do is watch from under some cover or dance under drops. Either way you experience the rain, I am sure you have a smile on your face. Sometimes you have to get wet to clean the deep parts of your heart.

This weekend I returned to the town I grew up in. I have made peace with almost every inch of that town. From the little league field to my high school baseball field; I have made it a point to go back to the same dirt and grass that I made memories on years ago. I have learned to smile at most of my past days. Sunday, I sat in the same church pews that I did during my childhood... It just happens to be the same place I took wedding vows. It hurt to be in that building. Memories rushed back for the better part of an hour, until my old pastor's words broke through: "The pains of your life can either be a means to an end, or they can end you. But that is your decision to make. You can either be bitter or make it better!" Those words pissed me off, because I knew they where true.

Am I bitter? What a loaded question for me to ask. By the looks of most of my previous postings, it looks like I am. I find myself thinking of this a lot, because I don't want to become "that guy"! You know who I am talking about. "That guy" who always brings up "that subject" every time you talk to him. But I see that is what this blog has turned into; my way of always bringing up "that subject". And, to be honest, I don't think it has helped that much. What once was a pain I felt, has now been turned into a drug I use to help myself escape from moving forward. Does it help to talk about matters of the heart? No doubt! Does it help to beat yourself up in front of everyone you know? Nope.

Am I bitter? No, just hurt. Am I afraid? More than you know. So now what? Maybe I will go fishing in Alaska. Maybe I will take that trip to Portland or maybe I will watch the leaves change colors in Boston. Or, maybe I will have the guts to live my life where I stand, in spite of my fears. Maybe just maybe, I will stop sabotaging myself and actually believe the things Jesus says about me. Because, I think he is right about me. Maybe, I'll go on another date... It's fun to make a girl laugh out loud! There is a lot of life worth living under any sky you find yourself living under... Time to get to it!