Half Drunk, but Hurt Straight To the Bone

Forgive me all those who look to me for advice and strength for living your life… I am a flawed man. This isn’t going to come out right… and this won’t sound “Christian”…

I am sitting on my patio tonight trying to drink away this hurt that I thought was in the past. Ben Harper is pleading over the stereo not to be hurt again. My heart seems to be screaming the same thing right now. It’s amazing how a hard day at work can unearth hurt that you buried so many times before. The grave always seems shallow when you are exhausted. I drove away from work today knowing I would feel this way. I knew I would be the only one in this apartment when I got here. I knew I would battle with these thoughts and emotions… and I knew I would fall at the feet of this pain again. I have never been good at being alone, but I am trying so hard. I try to keep the smile on my face, but it seems as fake as the words of wisdom I try to pass on to those who seek it from me.

Sorry my thought are so random (the empty bottles are starting to pile up)…
I remember being dressed in a black tux with a white tie. I was scared I was going to screw up the ceremony. I knew for sure I was going to say the wrong words or set her dress on fire with a unity candle. I did neither. I said the right things, and I even made it through our first dance without falling all over her. That day runs through my head a lot, so does the day that she left me for the “what might be” of Arizona. Just the name of that state sometime hurts my heart. Memories haunt me, and words still cut me to the point of tears.

There is no sunshine in this post, just the truth: Sometimes it still hurts to be alone. When I am just tired enough, I get sad that I don’t have someone to hold. When a certain song comes on the radio, Sometimes I am taken back to a place from years ago. I am not saying that I long for the days of the past… But she always had a smile to get lost in…

Tomorrow I will wake up, go to work, and try to do better than I did today. This isn’t a permanent emotion of mine, just tonight as I sit here under a breezy night.

I love how I still write these posts as if anyone reads a word I have to say.