What Would Happen If You Leave?

People walk in and out of our lives everyday. Some leave for brief moments, and then there are those who you never see again. With every departure we run the risk of loosing people. Cars crash into each other everyday causing families to break apart. Disease rage and live slips away from those who are trying to hold onto it with all their strength. People make decisions to never return, and worlds get flooded in the wake of these decisions.

There is something deep within all of us that looks at the rest of the world and asks the question, "What would happen if you leave my life?" Some internally ask this question to parents that never seem to have enough love. While some parents cry at the thought of not having the children they watch sleep at night. Some ask this question of the brother that always seems to make the wrong decision; when all the while that brother make every decision based on the fear of that question. Husbands ask the question when their wife's leave for the grocery store, and all the while their wife wonders what is on the other side of a final "goodbye".

But why do our hearts ask this question? For some it is fear of the unknown. We ask this question because it is the last thing we want to happen. While others ask the question because they want to be ready for the "just incases" of life. And some ask the question out of pure pain. There has always seemed to be a place in all of us that wonders about the unknown, and no matter the motive, we try to get ready for it (even sometimes by running away!). If you watch the news for just five minutes, you come to the understand that loss is apart of life. We have become conditioned "deal with it". So, why do hearts break when loss become personal?

Our creation is a testimony in understanding the desire to relate. The Lord created us because he wanted relationship. He was totally satisfied within the Trinity, but he took a chance (knowing the whole time what the outcome would be.). He wanted to walk in the cool breeze with us and have conversations about everything! He wanted to hear laughter from us. That's not emotion it's fact. But one day a piece of fruit became the symbol of a fall that has plagued everyone from our first breath. Then for the first time the question was asked by a naked couple holding some fig leaves, "What would happen if you leave?" And all of us have been asking that question of everything in our life since that moment.

People leave, but the Lord never left. He returned to physically dwell among his creation several times. He died among His creation just so He could rise to show us that He would never leave (even if the physical body wasn't present)... But this doesn't stop us from asking the question over and over again, and our sins are our way of yelling at Him to leave us alone. I am thankful that I will never know the what would happen if He left.

Long Talks In My Old Room

This is my brother Nathan and his kids (McKayla and Evan). It always seems that I have a lot to say after I spend a weekend down in Crockett. The four of us woke up to take some pictures in the in the early morning sun. All Evan wanted to do was use sticks as swords and McKayla just wanted to make Uncle Chad and Daddy happy... And Nathan, well for the first time in a long time he looked rested... And I have no idea why. He and I were up all night talking about everything we knew and lied about the stuff we didn't know.

We sat in my old room talking about growing up in that small town and leaving it for "big dreams" in big cities. He and I spent a lot of time talking about the past. We laughed about starting fires and farting in public places. We stopped looking each other in the eye when we started talking about dark times. We sat in respectful silence after one of us bared our heart to the other. We sat in amazement after we realized how far our relationship with Larry (our Step-Father, aka. "Pops") had come. We helped him put together a new BBQ grill, and it was the best time we had all weekend.

What I love most about my relationship with Nathan is that neither of us are content with staying on the surface of things. Both of us want to dig deep, and find every opportunity to be as genuine as we can with each other. He never lets me get away with just saying a passing comment about pain or happiness. He wants to know why I say what I say. And I always want to know how his mind rationalizes the blessing of his two kids. Those kids make me wonder what I am doing with my life(in a very good way!). He tells me about his struggles and the victories he finds in the small parts of his day.

Life isn't perfect, but the sun shines gold a lot more than I notice. I am so thankful for my family. We are all screwed up and make no sense most of the time, but what family isn't? I have come to understand how important it is for a person to be a part of something bigger than just themselves. That is why Jesus taught us that as Christians we are members of a family, part of a body. We help each other when we can, and stop hurting each other when we find out we are causing pain. Family... a cursed blessing that embarrasses you, but the first place you run to when you hurt and find yourself in need.

More Than Just Blood

Sometimes when I read the gospel accounts of Calvary, I fail to grasp all that cross accomplished for me. The first thing Christians come to understand is the unexplainable salvation that flows from Jesus' blood. Sins forgiven and wiped away like old tears; all at the moment one believes upon the life and sacrifice of the Christ. There is nothing better than knowing that someone paid the price for all my wrongs that I could never correct by myself.

But what I fail to grasp sometimes is the freedom the Cross gives a person. Not freedom to waist my life with the actions that put Jesus on that cross; but a freedom to live my life without a hesitation for what "might be" or what "might have been". There is nothing this world can offer that come close to that freedom and love. It almost hurts to understand what the Cross has given my saved soul, and know that I still waist my life doing anything less than embrace this beautiful mess I find myself in.

I would love to think that these words aren't based on emotion, just truth. Because Jesus taught us to live with a childlike faith in him. Just to trust that He has it all figured out, and all we have to do is follow Him. Easier said than done, but better than the alternative.

Old Shirts, County Music, and Salsa

I had a conversation with an old friend tonight. This guy has watched me grow out of diapers into the the guy that I am today. He had been there for me more than I ever noticed until our short phone conversation today. He had some advice that I wouldn't listen to until now. He simply said this: "Maybe it's time to give some praise for the things that are in your life (good or bad)." You are right Eugene.

I have a closet full of shirts that I have had since I was in high school. I love the fact that the Lord has helped me stay around the same body size, so that I can fit into most of those same shirts... And still wear them in public. That helps me understand that the Lord is timeless in his fathering of me.

The sun came out this morning, and I had the opportunity to sleep through most of it's rise... I am thankful for sleep... When I can find it! While sleep doesn't always equal rest, sleep helps me to see the opportunities the Lord gives us to rest in Him. What a blessing that is!

I made a phone call to my brother Nathan, and I heard his kids in the background screaming with pleasure as they ran through the sprinkler. What a blessing to know the Lord allows my brother to enjoy his kids... I love those kids because they have done more for my brother than he will ever understand.

I am thankful for a good country song! It doesn't matter what year the song hit the radio, the right sad country song can be just as big of a blessing as a good praise song. Johnny Cash or Randy Travis or Dierks Bentley, those guys are a blessing for this East Texas kid's ears!

The more poetic I try to get with this list, the less genuine I feel it is getting. So let me say it this way: When I remove my head from my butt and actually look around; the Lord has blessed me with a family that loves me, a job that keeps the bills paid, and a million small things that go unnoticed due to my arrogance! I love the way things piece together in the right moment, and I love the fact that the Lord is never rushed!

And one more thing, chips and salsa!... Other than Jesus, is there a bigger blessing found in life?...I think not!

Rain, Bitterness... And Fishing?

There is nothing quiet like a nice rain storm. Even this concrete city seems dry from the lack of rain. Like a good cry can calm the soul, a good rain can refresh the senses of the earth. There is something exciting about a hard rain that blows through the day. The sky goes dark, the temperature drops, and a scent fills the air. Then the rain comes in sheets. The wind blows it in different directions until it hits the ground. And, all we can do is watch from under some cover or dance under drops. Either way you experience the rain, I am sure you have a smile on your face. Sometimes you have to get wet to clean the deep parts of your heart.

This weekend I returned to the town I grew up in. I have made peace with almost every inch of that town. From the little league field to my high school baseball field; I have made it a point to go back to the same dirt and grass that I made memories on years ago. I have learned to smile at most of my past days. Sunday, I sat in the same church pews that I did during my childhood... It just happens to be the same place I took wedding vows. It hurt to be in that building. Memories rushed back for the better part of an hour, until my old pastor's words broke through: "The pains of your life can either be a means to an end, or they can end you. But that is your decision to make. You can either be bitter or make it better!" Those words pissed me off, because I knew they where true.

Am I bitter? What a loaded question for me to ask. By the looks of most of my previous postings, it looks like I am. I find myself thinking of this a lot, because I don't want to become "that guy"! You know who I am talking about. "That guy" who always brings up "that subject" every time you talk to him. But I see that is what this blog has turned into; my way of always bringing up "that subject". And, to be honest, I don't think it has helped that much. What once was a pain I felt, has now been turned into a drug I use to help myself escape from moving forward. Does it help to talk about matters of the heart? No doubt! Does it help to beat yourself up in front of everyone you know? Nope.

Am I bitter? No, just hurt. Am I afraid? More than you know. So now what? Maybe I will go fishing in Alaska. Maybe I will take that trip to Portland or maybe I will watch the leaves change colors in Boston. Or, maybe I will have the guts to live my life where I stand, in spite of my fears. Maybe just maybe, I will stop sabotaging myself and actually believe the things Jesus says about me. Because, I think he is right about me. Maybe, I'll go on another date... It's fun to make a girl laugh out loud! There is a lot of life worth living under any sky you find yourself living under... Time to get to it!

In The Waking Hours

Why do I wake up every morning? Why do you wake up every morning? I will go out on a limb and speculate that it has nothing to do with your job. For me most days start at 3:40a.m., and trust me when I say that I don't enjoy helping the sun rise every morning. In the hours I spending before the sun makes it's entrance in the horizon, my heart has no problem feeling the levity of the place I find myself each morning. I smile smiles and try my best to comfort those who feel the weariness that one feels in the wee hours of a week day morning. But, I can't help but feel a bit hypocritical and fake as I make my way through the day. I walk as if I have a purpose. Those people who know me as the "coffee guy" don't know the battles that beat my insides to a bloody pulp. And as the sun finally makes it's entrance among the orange and reds, I can't help but ask myself again, "What do I wake up for every morning?" Because it is so clear to me as I stand in the same spot every morning, that I do not live for this job. Sure, I am thankful for a steady job, and make no mistake, I am not complaining about my job. It has been good to me. But, there is something deeper that keeps me rising each morning.

What is it that makes me continue to rise every morning? Is it forgiveness? Have I been living my life for the past couple of years trying to earn a forgiveness that I never seem to feel? I take an inventory of my life as I grind coffee each morning, and the coffee always seems to run short before I find a solution for past mistakes. Who am I trying to gain forgiveness from? It's not my Jesus, because He granted me that undeserved grace six years ago... And everyday since. He paid the price for my faults, and He finds me beautiful in spite the pain I inflict... And, to this day, I still can't understand why he loves me with such passion. With such forgiveness in place, what other forgiveness is there to search for? I have taken people for granted. I have wished pain upon those I confessed to love the most. I've lied, cheated, stolen...I have wasted time. I dismissed people completely for no other reason than my own immaturity or insecurities. I once lit a candle to signify my love for a single person, but as I replay my life in the early morning I see a boy trying to daily blow out that flame with coarse words and stupid fights... That boy stopped trying to blow out that flame when someone else blew it out for him... But the forgiveness that I seek wont relight that flame.

Why do I continue to wake up? Is it a scare little boy inside me? Do I continue to smile and joke with strangers each morning as I make them coffee, in a quest to quench the insecurities of the child inside me? There is a hurt little kid inside me. He has wounds that have stunted his growth of maturity. Am I trying to heal those wounds with a false acceptance given with each transaction made for a cup of coffee? Am I in a search of acceptance? Has the rejection I received driven me to keep my job for the purpose to prove that people DO like me?

Does a search for love keep me rising with my alarm clock? Is my fragile existence being drug behind a carnal need to feel loved? There once was a time when I had the love that I now seek again. The trouble with this love is you feel it's weight the most when it is no longer there. Now what's a boy to do with such knowledge? The truth is this: I know that I am loved beyond my understanding. The forgiveness I have received walks hand in hand with Jesus' love for my broken self. The love that I seek from another human, fails in comparison with the love of a Savior. He knows the absolute worst things about me, and He still loves me the same. He knows how deep my lust runs. He knows how shallow I live my life. He knows about the punches I have thrown at him. He knows how bad I have treated people. But He still loves me. He never flinches in the presence of the mountain of wrongs I have committed. He loves me enough to give me room to question. And he loves me enough to hold me close when I hurt. He loves me in spite of my attempts to replace his love with the things of this world. What other love is there?

Maybe I wake up every morning out of habit. Maybe I go to my job because I have bills that need to be paid. Maybe I am over thinking my life. Honestly, I know that I am searching for someone on this earth to love me. I know that I am searching for forgiveness from those that I have wronged... And I know that I want those people to seek my forgiveness (because I am self-centered). I know that I am still a little scared. I know I am seeking a confidence that the Lord gives. Do I feel okay with this life I am leading?... Yea. Do I want to wake up early in the morning?... No. Do I want to live my days with no regret?... More than anything. Do I want someone to find me worth the risk of love?... Yea, that feels nice! I want to understand the meaning of living a life worthy of the life Jesus died for... Forgiveness is found like a cool breeze in a hot summer night, little boys grow up , and love has a way of taking the proper amount of time to walk around your corner. Of that I am confident!