Another Year Inside My Head

Before I actually write this post, I need to admit that this post will go against the last post I wrote! The following lines will be filled with thoughts about my life during the past year. I will proceed to help you understand me, and I might even try to persuade you to believe that there is hope for me yet! Now, I know that people like Steve Hayes will leave me comments calling me out on my hypocrisy... but Steve is a jerk (that I love)! With that said...

Today is my 26th birthday! There has been so much that has happened to me this year that I almost don't know where to begin. So, in no particular order:

: This year has brought me a great relationship with a girl that I don't deserve! May 20th will be a year for us! She has truly been a blessing! We have seen some very hard nights, but there have been so many great days for us this year! We have watched some great baseball games at the ball park! We had our first kiss, our first argument, and moments of total acceptance than neither one of us ever thought we would find in another person!

:I went the farthest North that I have ever been this year! I went to Idaho with Leah for Thanksgiving. It was breath taking to be in the valley of McCall surrounded by mountains and snow. I had a week of meeting new people, trying to relate to them, and then figuring out that I get in the way of people ever truly knowing me! We also spent time in Boise (there are lots of bars there! It was great!). Idaho was filled with: snow, mountains, great people, good beer, and revelations! It don't get much better than that!

:This year has seen me walk into the doors of Celebrate Recovery at Irving Bible Church! Over the past six to seven months I have spent more time with alcoholics, drug addicts, and guys like me that struggle with sexual addictions! And, I must say that i have found a level of honesty and raw emotion in other people that I have always craved! This time has uncovered a lot of scars that I never really wanted to deal with and some that I never knew where there. It is the hardest thing I ever done. I have never truly tried to look at my life from any other perspective than as a unworthy S.O.B. I have come to understand so much more about the Lord than I ever have. I've always know that the loves me, but I never believed that people could. I always thought: "If you really knew me, you wouldn't like me... or even be able to stomach me!" Because I have had some important people walk out on me in this life, I have spent most of my life trying to survive and protect myself from being hurt again! I adopted the mentality: "Hurt them before they hurt you. Make them leave before they decide to walk out!" This thinking has caused me to become a bitter and cynical guy that holds everyone at arms length. It has made me a tired and angry person. However, this year has seen the Lord crowd me and make me feel uncomfortable with the knowledge of His love and mercy. He has crowded me so much that I have cried on His shoulder and talked about the deepest, darkest, and dirtiest parts of my life and heart with another man. The Lord has helped me step out of the darkness and into His light! While I am still having a hard time believing it, I am starting to understand: "People love and care about me!"

:There have been many post on this blog where I have spoken about my longings to be anywhere other than here! I was walking in the cool air last night before I went to bed, and I realized that I have found contentment in my life! Where did that come? The Lord is better than I know!

That's a good year in my life! I hope my friends and family can say the same on their birthdays as they look back.