Bright Days Can Be In Sufficient

Inadequate- not adequate: IN SUFFICIENT

This is the way Webster defines "inadequate". When they put it like that, it doesn't sound so bad... in fact, it sounds inconsequential (illogical: IRRELEVANT: of no significance: UNIMPORTANT). Looking at these definitions that attempt to define what I am feeling, they make this feeling of inadequacy seem small. Small, as if one could simply crush it beneath their shoe as they walk through life. If that is true, if inadequacy is irrelevant and unimportant; or something that is easily brushed to the side... then why can't I shake it, in even my strongest of moments?

At age 18 I put my faith in a God that I was told knew everything about my past, present, and future... and I was told that He still loved me enough to give up His life to save mine. I felt the acceptance that only His love can provide to a soul that had always felt inadequate. By the time I was 18 I had totally bought into the lies that told me I would never be good enough... smart enough... hansom enough... I swam to the deepest parts of these lies and waded there until I got too tired to keep my head above those dark waters... I sunk to the dark bottom of the lies that keep kids from seeing the love of their parents or the brightness of the minds the Lord has given them or the goodness the Lord places in their hearts. I lived with the knowledge that I would never stack up against the other kids. I knew I would never have the dashing good looks of the guys that always got the girl. Then somehow, a light pierced through the murky waters of this worlds lies. The Lord lifted me out of the muddy waters and washed me with His truth and love until I was clean...

I am now 25 with hair that is quickly greying and a back that aches and bows like a 50 year old! I have lived some life that has been great and fulfilling and I have days in my past that have caused pain and sleepless nights that sometimes still feel like they haven't ended. I have seen the Lord pursue me like a lover even when it felt like the entire world had walked away. He has restored a heart that had been broken into thousands of pieces. And even today, He has given me a summer of new beginnings in a pair of green eyes that look at me with mystery and affection. I have felt acceptance in abundance... it has actually been tangible: it has touched my shoulder, wrapped it's arms around me, and spoken soft words to the rough places of my life. The Lord has given me the strength and courage to trust. He has given me the boldness to speak the words that He has laid on my heart...

So why, even in the face of all this, do I feel inadequate? Why is there still this place in me that feels less than what the scriptures tells me that I am? How can I still feel insignificant and in sufficient? Because I know the scriptures and how they tell me the power and transcendence of the Lord that calls me son. I know where it says I can move mountains... so why can't I move this mountainous feeling of inadequacy? How have I found my way back to these murky waters after being blinded by the perfect light of salvation and love?...

The word "I" has filled this page... and I think it also answers most of my questions. I am the reason I feel inadequate. There are those who want to give too much credit to the great deceiver of this world... but he cannot force me force me to do or feel anything. While he knows all the right ways to engage and cultivate these emotions... it is still me who acts on and trusts these feelings instead of living in the faith and promises of the Lord. I am not trying to be too hard on myself or not give enough respect to the pain and transgressions that has found its way into my past. This is a hard place for me to stand right now. Because, the Lord has allowed me to be in a peaceful and joyous time in my life, but I still allow insecurities to shape and shift my actions.

Lord, give me the strength to believe you, to run to you, to trust you... help me get your words to move from my head and into my heart... break me all over again if it gets me to the place where your words are louder than those of this dark and lonesome world!

Camping on the Side of a Mountain

I spent last week at Falls Creek Church Camp in Oklahoma. I went with the Cowboy Church of Athens youth group. The youth pastor (Scot Bonner) of the church is good friend of mine, and he was also my youth pastor during my senior year of high school. Over the last seven years of my life this guy has spoken truth into my life during the good and bad times. He has also given me a friendship that has weather immature moments, jokes that have gone too far, and me not being able to properly back up even the smallest of trailers with a truck. So, when he asked me if I would go to camp with him as a sponsor to help him carry the teaching load and wrestle a group of 21 kids I couldn't say no.

During my senior year I attended Falls Creek as a student. I went to that camp as a lost kid that knew all the right answers, but never had an actual confrontation with Jesus. I left that camp as a son of the living God with the salvation of Jesus Christ poured into my heart. So, I was excited about the opportunity to go back to the physical place where Jesus reached down into my mess of a life and saved me.

From the moment that those kids started arriving at the church to head off for camp, I knew I had gotten myself into some trouble. I watched the group as they unloaded their bags from their parents cars, hug their parents good-bye, and then load their bags into the camp trailer. Some where nervous, while others looked like they didn't care about anything was about to happen at a stupid church camp. This was a group of individuals that had never cared about how their actions effected the group as a whole. All of the kids piled into the different vehicles. I drove a truck with four of the upper class boys... that wasn't the best idea Scot ever had.

The entire trip up to Oklahoma was filled with fart jokes, good music, us guys getting to know each other, and the boys taking off their shirts while dancing as we zoomed passed the car that had most of the girls in the group... like I said it wasn't the brightest of Scot's ideas. We had a great time driving slightly faster than the other cars in group, getting lost, the boys play fighting in the back.

We made it to the camp, and camp life immediately started. The dorm was filled with uncomfortable bunk beds, a faint smell of urine, and showers that trickled water instead of actually spraying water. But, from the beginning camp was good to the group. There where more laughter than tears (for the most part). It was like pulling teeth to get some of the guys go to sleep when the lights turned off, and it took literally pulling some of the guys out of bed in the morning.

Every morning I woke up earlier than the guys, and sat in silence as the sun made it's appearance from behind the mountain. The crisp morning air reminded me that the Lord moves in our lives and refreshes the tired soul of those who take the time to stay still long enough. As I would be preparing for the morning bible study, some of the guys would wake up and sit on the porch as they prepared themselves for a morning run. During those morning hours i was able to get to know the hearts of a couple of the guys. As I am thinking back to those morning conversations, I can recognize how men along the way had done the same thing for me in my life. It is a humbling experience when you recognize how the Lord is allowing you to be a part of the kingdom work He is accomplishing.

As the week progressed the kids became more of a group than individuals forced to stay in the same dorm. Scot and I watched as the older girls started spending more and more of their free time with the junior-high girls. You could see a spark in the eyes of the younger girls as they sat at the same dinner table as the older girls. There where those kids that always sat slightly at a distance from the group. I'm not sure if they couldn't trust the other kids because they had been hurt in the past, or if they just enjoyed the solitude...either way, I hope they know that the love of our Heavenly Father is bigger than any bully they might face and it runs deeper than any pain we feel in our lives.

By the end of the week there where three kids that gave their lives to the Lord, at least three that rededicated themselves to the Lord, and two of the girls surrendered to the ministry. There was over 200 kids in the entire camp the entered into the family of the Lord. It was a beautiful thing to watch. While I wrestled with my own set inner turmoil, the sight of all those kids giving their lives to a loving God was soothing. I hear the Lord whispering to me: "Chad, it's okay. Remember when you walked this aisle, and I promised never to leave you? I'm still here, even if you struggle with ways people come to me." Here is a truth about me: I am a jaded guy, that still has a hard time trusting Jesus with a childlike faith. And sitting at camp watching the Lord move and sweep across that mountain has done a number on my heart. There where mornings that I sat in the shadow that that mountain trying to find words to pray to my Lord... and none came. My thought where all over the map. My heart was pumping with a pain, because I had gotten to the place where I thought I knew what was best for the Lord. I thought I knew what style of music was best for the Lord. I thought my words would be the best for the Lord. Like a lot of people that get an ego, I forgot how the Lord knows so much more than me. He knows every strand of hair my head (or where ever else that hair is). I am thankful that the Lord is patient with us.

Driving away from camp was a good feeling. It was a good time, filled with the spirit of God and lots of fun. But, just like those students in the youth group, it was time for me to walk down from that mountain and back into the life the Lord has called me to live. The truth is, life is not meant to be lived on an emotional high. The Lord calls us to stay on a level surface when we walk with him. He doesn't want us to get to high on the emotions this world draws us to, and he doesn't want us to fall down to low when we feel burdened. He wants us to trust Him with the big and small things, while we continue to explore Him.

I love those kids for the Cowboy Church in Athens, Texas. They have taught me more more than I probably tried to teach them.

The Power of Know

What does it mean to be known? In Genesis we read that Adam knew Eve... but that isn't even what I am talking about because...well... the major emphasis of the text is on sex (not entirely, but the majority). There is a worship song that says: "All of life comes down to just this one thing: To know you Lord Jesus, and to make you known..." While the song is absolutely true... I am not totally sure that is what I am asking either. I guess what I'm asking is: What does it mean to know someone?

What does it mean to get to know someone? If you believe 90% of the movies today, getting to know someone means finding out how to get into someones pants... and that isn't even close to what I am asking. How does one go about getting to know another person? I'm not sure how exactly to proceed through the rest of this...but I will try anyway.

I've been spending some time getting to know someone. It has been...well... it is hard to describe because it has been challenging. Have you ever wondered what someone is thinking? Well, that is the constant state that I am finding myself. I am constantly wondering what she is thinking. What is she thinking about the movie we just watched, what does she think about the stupid shirt I am wearing (is this shirt even clean?), what does she think about the stupid comment I just said (I can't believe what I just said!), what is she thinking about me. Does she think I'm worth knowing?

Another part of this is the person that I am presenting to her. Am I showing her who I really am? Am I being truthful when she asks me what I think? Every time she presents me with such a question, I face a choice. Will I tell her the truth, or will I tell her something I think she wants to hear... but there is a problem there, because... I don't know what she wants to hear, because I don't know her that well yet. So, I am forced (thankfully) to just tell her the truth, no matter how bad I think it might make me look. And, that is the game of getting to know someone. You constantly throw your junk on the table of vulnerability saying, "This is who I am, and the crap that goes on inside of me... Take it or leave it!" And you do this with the hopes that she wont run away screaming... or pull out her pepper spray and use it on me like a mexican burrito.

I must be honest, and say that I want to get to know more about her the more I get to know her. There is this growing desire to find out what she thinks about everything... I mean everything. I want to know what her favorite flower is. I want to know what she thinks about my facial hair. What does she think about the God-Head? Does she think about the mercy and justice of the Lord she professes a love for? Does she think I am funny or a nut job with a potty mouth? And it is scary...but in a good way.

I guess what I am saying is, it is scary to have a person that wants to get to know you. It is scary when a person wants to spend the time it takes to see if you are truly the person you are saying you are. It is scary because what happens if you aren't what they are looking for? What happens if rejection enters into the equation? That is scary...but I must honestly say that if getting to know this girl comes with the risk of rejection... I'll take my chances. I'll take those odds if it affords me the chance to truly see what a daughter of my Lord is like. I won't hide in fear of rejection when something like this is waiting for my honesty.

The beautiful thing is this: There is a God that knows me better than I know myself, and He never runs away from me. He never looks at all my junk and rejects me. He draws closer to me the more I honestly approach him. And the relationships that we enter into with other people is a reflection of being known by Him. When people draw closer together in relationships , friendships, families, or attraction, they are mirroring the passions that the Lord has for us. It's a beautiful, scary, and messy thing to be known... But it is worth every ounce of hardship, reange of emotions, and the ackward steps it takes. Breath deep and drink aboundantly of His love and mercy... And know that He knows the good that He placed in you... even if it has been covered up with dirt and filth.

The Quietness Of a Child

I was taking a ride with a friend yesterday. He was trying to be positive about the day his family had endured... but to be honest, it wasn't working that well. He tried to make jokes or change the subject, but the conversation inevitable returned to the hard day he was having. It would go silent in the van (except the babbling of his youngest daughter in the back seat) as he watched the landscape zoom by through his window.

My buddy has four beautiful children (three boys and a girl). The moment you walk into his house you see their artwork framed and hanging on the walls. There are countless family pictures scattered throughout the house. There are more toys in this house than most day cares have. There is no doubt how much these kids mean to my friends. If there is one thing that you notice above all other things in the house are thousands of letters. Plastic multi-colored letters, magnetic letters, thin foamy letter, letters on the side of small building blocks...My friends have an autistic child who loves letters. The first time you met this youngster, you have no clue that he is any different than his siblings... or any other child for that matter. He sits among the thousands of letters and separates them into words or places them in alphabetical order. He keeps his head down and concentrates on the letters. He looks brilliant as he sifts through the different colored letters. You can see his mind working... he keeps looking until he finds the exact letter he was looking for. You would never know there was anything different about him at first glance... but you sit there and watch him work... five, ten, fifteen minutes go by and he never acknowledges your presents. He isn't placing the letters in order for your approval... it is as if he doesn't care that you are there. His actions do not hinge on your approval... he is in his own place.

As you watch him, your heart slowly starts to hurt. You call his name because you want to connect...he continues to spell word after word. You sit beside him on the floor and ask him what he is spelling... he doesn't respond to your words, but he is quick to push you out of the way if you have sat on the letter he needs to finish his latest word. You feel helpless as you watch... and this isn't even YOUR child. Your mind races to the parents.

Yesterday, my friends had a conference with their sons therapist. They where reminded how hard their son's life might be. It broke their hearts all over again. It was his birthday yesterday... parents shouldn't feel such a weight on their child's birthday. They watched him destroy the icing off of two cupcakes. I smiled as I watched him go to town; then I looked back at his mother. You could see the remains of a tear filled afternoon. It was a bittersweet moment for her. She tells her husband that she wants to be positive and faithful because the Lord has given her such a great gift in her children... but it isn't coming easy for her (what an amazing gal, she is). What do you say? What is there to say?

"My wife took one on the chin today!" my friend says as he breaks the silence. Everyday she takes care of these great kids. I watch these people be Godly parents. They speak love and affection to all of their kids... even if not all of them yet fully understand what love is. There is almost nothing more beautiful than the sight of a child sitting on their father lap. The Lord constantly shows us glimpses of Himself as our father.

Lamentations 3:22-24 "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."

This morning my friends had to wake up with their children and restarted the cycle again... just like they have done for years. Nothing had changed for the family when the sun came up today. Autism is still a part of their day...but so is the love of the Father. This morning the Lord poured out new mercy on the households of His children. For my friends, this means new strength to love their children no matter how hard it might be... even if they never receive such a love in return... "The Lord is my portion, therefore I will hope in him."

I Would Take a Bullet For You...

Yesterday was a horrible day for this nation. At Virginia Tech University a shooter killed 31 people on campus. He turned his gun on himself and left a campus and a nation in shock and sadness. As I write this, I am on my own campus states away... and it is business as usual. A few teachers have mentioned the event in a prayer, but not much else has been said. I am not speaking out against my college or the students who I sit among. This is a confession of a guy who says a lot of things, but does very little to put action to those words.

I was driving with a buddy of mine a couple of months back. We where driving down the George W. Bush Turnpike with the windows down. We had Mat Kearney playing over the wind coming through the windows. As we sang along to the song "Bullet", I actually started to listen to the words I was singing:

It doesn't matter if they call me wrong,
It doesn't matter if ya' steal my
song,
It doesn't matter if we're all alone,
It doesn't matter at all,
I
would take a bullet for you.
I would across any line or swim across the
sea.
I would loose it all or take my fall to show you it's for real.

It reminded me of Jesus and what His life was for us.

1 John 3:16"By this we know love, that He laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."

I sat for a moment in quiet reflection on the way I was living my life. I turned down the music and said one of the most honest sentences I ever said about myself:

"I would step in front of a bullet for someone, not because it is something Jesus would do, but because it is heroic and people would remember such an act... But I wouldn't give up an afternoon nap to help anyone. I sleep through my phone ringing with a broken hearted friend on the other end, because I am selfish... My naps are more important than helping people in need. How sad is that? A nap?... I would forsake the commandments of my Savior for a 45 minute nap? I want the Lord to use me in a mighty way, but I won't give up a nap to dig into His word? I want to be a leader, but I could care less about people if they are trying to interrupt my nap with their "problems"? How pathetic! Jesus spent so much time in His ministry without sleep. What would have happened if He didn't wake up from His nap to calm the storm and teach His disciples about His power and sovereignty? What if when they awoke Him, He shot them the bird and went back to sleep? I know this is a bit extreme, but I hope you get my point. There is an awful feeling in the pit of your stomach when you find out that you rarely live the words that you say you live by. Humble, is a mild word for that feeling. But the Lord is stronger than anything that I can possible do or be. He lived a life that covers all my sin and hypocrisy. How beautiful it is to know that He loves me in spite of myself.

I am without words when it comes to yesterday's shooting at Virginia Tech. How sad is it when a life is taken on the whims of another person? The Lord is just, in spite of our limited understanding. He is bigger that this...I need a nap.

25 Years of My Mothers Patients

Today is my birthday. I am 25 years old. For some, this is a young age to find yourself, and for others it is a milestone. I am not too sure how I feel about being 25. My family does not have a history of making a massive ordeal about our birthdays. We call each other (most of the time) and share our love for each other. We all know that the other members of the family are thankful of the time we get to be with each other. However, there aren't gifts that are given or big parties. This might seem weird or "not enough" for some, but it the way my family operates. It has taken me a long time to be okay with this, but here I am ecstatic for the phone calls from my family. I talked to my brothers and had some good laughs. Then my mom called and sang me "Happy Birthday"... I almost cried.

It has become somewhat of a tradition for me to get on this blog and write about my feelings about the last year of my life. I have had two different roommates that have stretched and challenged me to be a better man. I have dating a couple of times... and then laughed at myself. There have been many ups and downs this year. I have come to terms with who I am... and I can smile when I look in the mirror. This year has been one of small steps... but I have come a tremendous distance by the grace of a loving God. He has lead my places that have cut away rough parts and He has led me to a peacefully place to rest in Him. How can i fit all of these lessons and laughs in such a small space?

Let me say this: This past year has brought reconciliation for me and my family. My family is stronger than we have ever been. It has become a tribute to my mom for us three sons to go to work and work hard. I have come to understand that I carry all of the sacrifices my mother with me when I go into the world. I go to work and manage a single mother that just got married... I can't help but see my mother toiling all those years for my future... so I find the patients to manage a group of people that will never understand how much I care about them. I go to school because my mother never a chance to further her education because she had to raise three terrors.

The Lord has the power to restore and redeem. He has redeemed so many people and things this past year. He is just, even when I can't understand why. How can such a beautiful God find a place to love such a sick man like me? There is nothing in me that is worthy of His glory... and yet He continues to impart Himself to me. His grace is always active in the comings and goes of my life. His grace is the signature of this past year. His fingerprints are all over the events of my past, and He has written my future... He has written it with love and mercy. And He will defend me with passion and justice.

During my conversation with my mom today, we shared some good laughs. She told me that she was thankful that I was a part of her life, and I thanked her for having me... she said "Your welcome!" ... what a gal my mom is! (Am I a momma's boy or what?) Thank all of you for being a part of my life!

Easter 2007

1983 was my first Easter... it snowed. This is a picture of me with the snow bunny that my brothers made. Fast forward 2007...it snows again. This is the snow bunny that the three of us made.
I have always loved Easter... probably because it is so close to my birthday. This year was awesome. I went down to Crockett to be with my family (It seems that I always have something to write about after being with my family). Both of my brothers where down with there kids. We had BBQ from Pop's BBQ pit (taste amazing every time). After the food was done cooking we built a fire in the smoke box of the pit. All of us just sat and stood around the fire talking and trying to stay warm. It was so cold this year. We had a lot of good laughs as we sat around the fire. It strikes me how many great memories are made around Pop's BBQ pit.

As Christians we celebrate Easter because Jesus' tomb was found empty after He was beaten, killed, and buried for our sins. We see Easter as a symbol of Him overthrowing the power of death. It is beautiful. And this Easter, I saw Him over come all the death and junk that has bound my family for a long time. He resurrected the "family holiday" for us. We hunted eggs inside (it was too cold outside), we eat birthday cake (happy birthday to me... and Eavn), and had a great snowball fight that ended with me getting hit in the gut... snowballs hurt!

Happy Easter! I hope you all find the peace and joy that Jesus offers in a life redeemed by His blood. I hope you hold your family a little closer. I hope you laugh a little deeper. I hope you are a little more thankful when you eat those large meals. I hope you find rest. Happy Easter!

A Boy Walking In A Man's Shoes

As a guy that struggles with the thought of being a man:

I am frightened by the people who look to me for any amount of strength or guidance. Not that there are many, but there are those who see or talk to me on a daily basis and those who ask me questions about this life I am stumbling through. And there are those who listen to my words. Why would people in committed relationships even think of asking insight from a guy who couldn't make his marriage work? Don't dismiss that statement because you think I am being too hard on myself. Read that sentence again, then try and give me an answer. It scares me straight to my core, to think that people might actually listen to my jumbled words about relationships. All I have to offer are lists of thing NOT to do.

Don't dismiss her dreams... she believes in you.

Don't forget the way she looked in her dress as she walked down the aisle.

Don't let the hard days at work destroy the good in her heart.

Don't forget that she listens to the words you say to her.

Don't forget the things she gave up to be by your side.

Don't forget to help her clean the dishes.

Don't forget to show her the love you tell her about.

Don't wait, capture her heart again tonight.

Don't forget that she is worth it... ALL of it.

"You call me a boy, but I'm tryin' to be a man."- Mat Kearney

As a guy, I am scared of the thought of being a man:

I am scared of being "okay". I am scared that if I don't have something fight my way through... I might have nothing at all. I am not trying to be dramatic, just honest. What am I supposed to do if I'm not fighting for a marriage, if I'm not fighting for respect, if I'm not fighting a woman's heart, if I'm not fighting to love the man God is shaping me into?... What am I if I am "okay" with being me? I am scared because I have never been at this place I am right now... I have never before been "okay" with who I am... but that is the place I am finding myself. I don't know how to be "okay" among a group of people that have watched me struggle through hard seasons of my life. What do they expect from me if I don't have that usual disposition? So I run away from them, because I am scared... and I don't know why.

I am scared of being a man:

I am scared that the things the Lord tells me might be true. He tells me that He loves me. Why would He do that? I am scared that He DOES know everything about me. I am not scared of dying, but I scared of dying before running this race the way He knows I can. I am scared that He is right about the man He tells me I can be... because now I have no choice but to be that man.

Despite these fears, I am more of a man than I have ever been. I have cried tears worth crying. I have laughed like a girl, and loved every moment of it. I have said words other were too scared to say. I have made a stand, and paid the price. I have loved when other called it foolish. I dream of things bigger than me. I am more of a man today because the Lord won't give up on me. He keeps whispering to me, "You're worth my blood. You're good... you're good kid!"

I am scared... but He is... He just IS.

Me?... Dating?... This Isn't Gonna' Be Pretty!

I find it humorous when I post something about dating and love on this blog. Let me assure you that I do not believe I have a special insight into the workings of relationships. But, I am starting to understand some simple aspects about fruitful dating.

I don't know if opposites attract, but I know it makes or an interesting cup of coffee. It is FUN talking with people who don't share your same views and lifestyle... but I am not sure if it makes for a great relationship... but the jury is still out on that one.

Constant clashing is exhausting. Fighting through a relationship can feel like swimming upstream. And that begs the question: "Does this person clash or compliment who I am?" Because, I hope people who consider themselves "ready" to date have a health knowledge of who the Lord is molding them to be. Because the person the Lord is leading us to be, is who we want to be... so how much should the person I date clash against His work? Don't get me wrong, I believe fighting is a sign of a healthy relationship, but constant clashing of belief systems and worldviews can take almost anything worthwhile out of dating. But, finding a person that compliments who you are is worth the struggle. Finding a person who's strengths compliment my weaknesses is worth the wait. A person who challenges me about the sins I live in is worth being accountable to... in fact she might be worth more than anything I could offer her (gummy bears, bad jokes, my need to have facial hair to prove that I am a man, etc...).
As I have ventured back out into the strange land of dating again, I have found out I am not "smooth" as I once thought. I have also found out how bad I am at being attractive (Is body odder bad? And do you use conditioner before or after shampoo?). I have also learned that I need to lighten up. It's okay for me to be me, even if that means I don't "get the girl". Laugh... laugh a lot!!!!!!!

A Few Things I have Been Learning

Over the past couple of months I have learned a couple of things that... well they suck to learn these things the hard way.

-Too much fast food disrupts the normal flow of things inside your body. I don't think I need to expand on this too much, but I will say this... Everyone needs to eat a salad every now and then!

-I am not an island! In the great movie About A Boy, Will (Hugh Grant) learns, the hard way, that you need people to get through life. In the past two months I have tried everything to keep myself away from people, because they make things messy! People have a bad habit of crowding you. They need things and can have a way of hurting you. But the farther you distance yourself from people... well, loneliness has a way of replacing the freedom you felt from people. Things can get pretty dark in a place like that.

-Community and Fellowship aren't a walk in the park, either! Just because I learned that you need people, doesn't make dealing with people any easier! The hard part about having fellowship with people in a community that you willingly are a part of is that you are forced to give something of yourself. You have to listen, care, and mean things. Who wants to do that? Who wants to sit with people and tell them that you are all screwed up inside, and you aren't sure things are going to get better? Who wants to listen a bunch of people talk about their "struggles"? Well... deep down we all do. It is a need that God put in us. So, I need to learn to be with people a lot better than I am right now!

-Community and Fellowship do not replace the need to be with God in the private places of my life. Fellowship is just a reflection of my relationship with the Creator and Savior of my life. No matter how much time I spend with a group of people that lift up and encourage me, there is no substitute for the time I spend with my God. I will never truly know His word unless I spend time with Him in it. He is the only giver of peace in this life, community is just one way He administers His peace.

-It is healthy to try new things! I tried Tofu for the first time. I liked it! I have also found a love for Yogurt. Up next: I will try to not be a jerk at work (I doubt I will like that as much as the yogurt!).

-Don't promise things you can't deliver. I have promised things to people with the best of intentions, but with a small hope that I never have to deliver. It is horrible when you don't do what you promised you would (especially to family!). How small of a man am I when I don't have the guts to give up a small piece of my time and life for others! I need to keep my emotions in check, so I don't hurt people with broken promises given in anger or sorrow.

There are millions of other things that I could say, but I am sure they wouldn't be as authentic as they should.

Lets all learn to love ourselves in our struggles. Lets learn to praise God for the small stuff like: toothpaste, the clanging of forks before a meal, toilets that work properly, and toilet paper (ohh, how I love the toilet paper!)

Family And The Times We Share

Nice picture, huh?! I have spent a lot of time thinking a about family (again) and this life we live in. I will spare you most of my useless thoughts, and just tell you about the beginning of my year.

I finally got to see my entire family at the beginning of the year. Because of the line of work all of my family are in, and the distance that is between us, my family celebrates Christmas at the beginning of the year. We have the tree, a big feast, and the whole nine yards. In previous years there have been many things that have caused there to be a strain on this time together. Whether it be relationships that have been strained, poor health, or whatever; my family has had a hard time in the past enjoying the time we spend together... not this year!

All three sons where back under my mothers roof. All the grand kids where accounted for. Everyone was smiling from ear to ear pretty much the entire time. Mom was in reasonably good health; her voice was strong... I swear she looked great, almost glowing.

The three of us boys stayed up with Stan's wife Misty, and our mom. We stayed up talking about past Christmas'. We shared our favorite memories, and corrected the lies that have crept into each others stories. We laughed so hard when Stan recounted the morning he and Nathan woke up early one morning to play with the new presents, then they got kicked outside in the freezing weather for being to loud! Nathan chipped in with his favorite memory. Mom told us about the Christmas when her brothers got a miniature cannon (that's right a cannon)... well you do the math: little boys and a cannon... of course something got broken! I held my breath when she moved from that memory to a memory of when she and my dad where still married. She told us of a time when Sr. and Jr. when standing around the tree... there was nothing special about the story except the fact that she remembered it (There is a long journey that lights the path she has traveled to get to the place where she could tell such a story... I love my mom!). We stayed up for a long time finishing wrapping the gifts for the kids... and we laughed. The weekend was filled with good times. We had more family drop by, and it just made it even better. I cannot remember a Christmas this good.

I found an even deeper love for my entire family at the begging of this year. I watched Larry (my step-dad) melt over my mother. It was amazing to see the two of them laugh and love with each other. They seem to be moving closer together as the years go by, isn't that amazing?

It was amazing to feel such fellowship and community with the whole family. Have you ever had part of your family at odds with the other part? It makes it hard to enjoy being in the same house. But it makes for an amazing experience when everyone is enjoying the time they spend with each other. We laughed deeply. We shared our hearts to each other, and found loving embraces. We eat and drank with smiles for the people around us. We told more stories that bordered on lies, and we made new memories that will last us a long time. Isn't that the goal of family?

So This Is Christmas...

Working in the retail and/or the restaurant business gives you a different view of the holidays. You see hundreds of people buying gifts for all the right reasons... but in all the wrong ways. They fight and yell at the person in front of them in the check out line, because they have family they need to rush home to. People loose patience with the cashier when they can't scan the bar code that has been ripped off... Why is it so hard to find a genuine smile to give to the person on the other side of the counter (cashier or customer)?

I love the idea of Christmas. I love the Biblical origin of the holiday. I will spare you all the "I hate the commercialism" comments. Man, I even like the Christmas songs... seriously they make me smile, and give me a good reason to do a stupid dance as someone sings "dashing through the snow" during a Texas Christmas (it's 75 degrees outside, seriously!). All that said, this hasn't been a great Christmas for me (just hear me out!). Since I have left my parents home in Crockett, I have adjusted nicely to being a grown up during the holidays. I accept the shift of the holidays being about the children and not me. The only thing that I ask for during the holidays is for family. I just want to see my parents. I want to see my brothers and their families. I am okay with not having anyone to hold tight during this "romantic" season... I just want to the chance to be an uncle for a couple of days, know what I mean? I just want to be a brother for a little bit. I want to hug my mothers neck, and stand around the BBQ pit with my Dad as we grill up some last minute food. But I haven't gotten that chance, and it has made the holiday hard this year. Family equals holidays... so these December days haven't felt like a holiday season.

I don't want to be a downer, because there is so much to be thankful for; and I am super thankful for the blessing that have been given. So, enjoy this time of the year, no matter how stressful. Watch your kids tare into the presents. Take that great "after turkey" nap. Hug your husbands. Kiss you wives. Let you family individually know how much they mean to you. Then, for crying out loud, give the people at Starbucks a break if it takes them a little longer to get you your extra foamy latte; look around there are hundreds of other people waiting too!

Merry Christmas. Thanks for being you and a part of my life!

Oldplay

I have never been a big Coldplay fan. The reasons behind this are for a differen't conversation. But I LOVE this. I like this guys voice, and the concept behind this... but, I LOVE this clip because the girl in the crowd at the 1:12 marker. Our souls are meant to be touch. We should be moved by the beauty of the moments that touch us.

A Merciful Loss

Here's the thing about loss: It is never a singular moment. It doesn't matter what you loose, it is lost everyday until you find it or you replace it. The worst part about loss is that somethings cannot be replaced. You can't replace a loved one who has passed away. How does a teenager replace the virginity they just lost in the backseat of a car? Can a child ever replace or refill the innocents that is unwillingly ripped from them? Loss removes the blinders that we wear. Loss forces us to survey the lives that we are living, because after loss there is something missing. By definition, loss creates an emptiness. How does a father rewind the time that he lost with his children?

There is so much that can be said about loosing things in this life. I have spent many pages of this blog pouring over the effects of loosing things that you hold so dear. But there is something bigger to be said about loss. Loss hurts like hell, but salvation is the sweetest fulfillment of the soul. Just as loss is not a singular event, neither is salvation. Salvation pours over us daily. Salvation is the beginning of the redemption plan that the Lord will bring to completion. He tells us that at the end of time He will make ALL things new. That includes those who trust in Him, in spit of loss and pain. But what about today? Loss is happening right now, and it hurts!

Lamentations 3:21-24 "This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

Every morning the sun rises like a second chance to do things better today than you did yesterday... that is His mercy on us. He doesn't give up on us. He can fill the pain that loss creates; better than that, He can grow us from loss. He can help us grow stronger than the things that are lost.

Let Him be your hope.

Stirring the Air I Breath

Life never stops coming at you. It just happens... full blast! Today was filled with me failing a final exam, to me trying to play savior at work, to comforting a hurting brother, and by the end of the night I found a way to play the jerk as well (sorry Taylor!). All I am saying is that it can get exhausting living this life. I know that there is nothing in those last two sentences that are ground breaking or earth moving... but they are true. After all that I did or that I had happen to me today, I reread the introduction of a great book (Through Painted Deserts, by Donald Miller). The entire book is about his journey from Texas to Oregon (sounds nice huh?), and the ways he sees God moving. But the introduction to this book stirs my soul. Know what I mean? Have you ever had a movie or something just make your heart move toward something MORE that what you are?

Maybe I am being too poetic or something, but I can't stop feeling this stirred sensation in the pit of my stomach (maybe it's just the pizza talking). I think God put stuff inside us that makes us awe and wonder for and about Him. For me it's mountains and sunsets. I just can't not see his divine presence when I gaze at the pinks and golds that fill a sunset sky. He put that inside me. He put it there because I have a short memory. He put it there to remind me of Him when I start wimpering about how bad I have it. He put it there to show me that I am loved... even when I feel it's impossible. He put it there because He is gracious to a ego driven klutz like me.

After I started to heal up from some of the worst pain in my life I heard a song that talked about hope and breathing again. It rang so true to me. Every word washed over my beat up soul. For me, at that time, it was telling me (He was telling me) it was okay to be okay... not great or perfect or fake... but okay with me and Him. Now, all this time later, I have stumbled over this song again (or He has hit me over the head with it). But, it means something more. There is so much in the song that speaks to giving the grace that has been given. And it speaks a lot about the beauty in his creation (and His presence).



This clip is Breathing Air Again, by the Robbie Seay Band. The video has great photography. Just take the time...

If Your Church Disapeared, Would Your Neighborhood Miss It?

Just asking a question.



What do you think?

Just A Ramble

I was in a wreck last month. It was totally my fault, and I feel like an idiot! I have a bad habit of not totally paying attention to the road, and the other drivers that are traveling beside me. I find myself always in my own world. I am either trying to find just the right song on my ipod or talking on my phone. When I am behind the wheel of my truck, it's all about me. How stupid am I?

Last month, it was business as usual. I was driving on my way to get where I wanted to go. My mind was full of everything that I have been wrestling with for the past couple months... and years. It seems that my mind and heart are just fighting each other... then there are new things that have decided to jump into the mix. What do you do when you find yourself questioning almost everything around you? What do you do when you feel the urge to run even through you feel you are right where you are supposed to be? What do you do when you question the place you find yourself in this world? What if you question the quality of His will for you?

Have you ever had the moment when all your junk looks you right in face? You have reached a depth that has forced you eye to eye with the stuff you don't want anyone to know about? It's scary. It is haunting. Even though you understand that the Lord has covered all your junk, it is still hard to look at all the crap you still find yourself battling. It hurts. It hurts because you feel so weak. Man, I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling out of control. Worse than that, I hate feeling s if I can't control my own actions. We all love to quote Paul when we find ourselves in these types of situations (The things I don't want to do, I find myself doing; and that which I wish to do I don't).

Here is the way I see myself right now: I hate looking back at the past that I stupidly chose to walk through, but I can't take my eyes off it long enough to actually plan for what might come my way. There is so much stuff that I would like to see myself accomplish... but I never even try. Why do I do that? Why do I only long and wish for things that I can reach? Why don't I ever take those steps that I want to take? (It is at this point in this post that I start to think that I have used a lot of words, and not said a word of what is on my heart!) I am in constant "non-motion". I don't like the choices I made, so I let them place enough fear in me to cause me to try and never make another decision that might blow up in my face. Know what I mean? I am scared that I might fail again. I know the scriptures that speak of boldness... and yet I still just stand.

So this is what I am going to do. I am not going to promise myself that I will start to act. I am going to do something Godly for a change. I am going to thank my God for the things he has blessed me with. And I am going to bless him for the things that have been taken away from me...and the things that are still in my life. King David spent an entire book aching over the situations and emotions that where present in his life. Then he praise the Lord that loved him enough to let him cry. I am loved, and He has given me the power to accomplish the deep yearnings of my heart. So, while I still struggle to let go of the past, and can't find the right way to reach for the future...I praise. I give thanks, even if I feel hollow as i do it!



This is a clip of Mat Kearney. He is freestyling at a small church. He is singing about seeting up an alter right where you are. Just setting it up in praise for the God that does so much for us!

As I often do, I have been thinking a lot. And, I am brilliant! That was just a joke. But I have found new perspectives about this beautiful wreck I call my life. Let me unload this for ya’: For the longest time I have had this yearning for something. I thought I could satisfy it with a person, or a place other than Dallas, or a new computer or gadget to occupy my time. The worst part is, I sought these things with the knowledge that they wouldn't quench this yearning. I knowingly perused them, knowing that at the end of the day, I would still want more. How sad is that? But here is something new: I am scared!? I haven't really felt truely scared since I was little boy. So it is a little weird writing that I am scared. I am not scared that I might somehow find out that the Lord isn’t as sovereign as He says He is. I’m scared that I won’t find the joy in His plan for me.

Ever have that feeling? Ever looked at the path that you seem to be walking on and said to yourself: “I don’t want to do this anymore! This isn’t what I want!” I walked into my roommate’s room last night, and I sat down in a chair. He and his girlfriend where planning their evening together. I totally interrupted their plans by asking if they wanted to do go to the movies together. As we sat in the room talking about what movie to watch, I started to wonder why I was so desperate to go out with them. My head dropped and I said to them: “I don’t care what movie we watch, I just don’t want to be alone in this apartment on another Saturday night.” Here is something that I know about myself: I am horrible at being alone! I am, and I admit it. I have a horrible, sinful tendency to try to find fulfillment in another flawed human. I have done it all my life. See, I am the worst type of person: I know that I am doing wrong, but I do it anyway. So, I continue to equate fulfillment with my ability to make a girl laugh…or my ability to make my employee’s believe I have everything under control.

But, I know the truth about this yearning that I keep trying to quench with things that rust and fade away. The truth is, it comes from the Lord. The Lord has put this gut wrenching thing that feels like a pain in the pit of our soul that can only be filled by His presence. But, that is easier said then done. Because every chance we get, we try to run as far away from Him as we can. We fight with Him about His will for our lives. We tell Him "no" when He asks something of us that we don't want to give. So there is still this yearning. But, when we do the things He asks us to do, the yearning feels pleasant. When we connect in fellowship with those around us, the yearning is soothing to our beings. I am not saying there isn't pain and sacrifice, because there is. There is pain that sometimes feels unbearable. And the things that we want for ourselves might not happen. Jesus told us this life would be hard. He told us to expect this. He told us to take joy in the sufferings that we go through because of our faith... why did he say that? Why would he tell us that joy in our suffering is the proper response? How do we get to that point? How much do we have to loose before you are joyful for not having something you long for?

This life is a lot easier than we make it out to be. What would happen if we just loved the way He loves us? What would happen in our souls if we gave our time, emotions, and enregy as He does? Would we continue to try and fill our lives with silly things? Would we even care about our lives anymore? How nice would it be to stopped spending so much time worrying and "fixing" your life?

Just a Post

I'm not sure what I want to say with this moment. So it is no surprise that I am having such a hard time finding the right way to say it. There is a swarm of things that are beating up my insides. I think the best word for this is moment is "bittersweet". There are times when you have to understand the place you came from to know where you are going (I heard that somewhere). Well, I still don't have a clue where I'm headed... It's been a long time since I saw a future that held real answers for the questions I once asked. Please understand me: I have found joy... There is peace in His embrace... And His future for me is better than the past I see in my rear view mirror. With that said ("This is going to hurt a little" he told himself)...

You spend half your life walking toward something, and the other half walking away. For the first time in a long time I heard the "divorce" today. I was talking with a dear friend who feels like he has reached the end to his marriage. He and his wife find it hard to be polite with each other, muchless find the enthusiasm to say "I love you". He doesn't talk to me for marriage advice... The only time people ask me for relationship advice is when it seems a relationship is about to end. I have made peace with that. I am thankful that the Lord finds me worthy to help His children (in any situation!). When he said that word to my heart found a corner to cry in. It hurts for me to hear of people that find themselves staring that beast in the eyes. It sits there waiting to devour these two people. It sits there waiting to rip apart any intimacy this man and women might of felt for each other. It sits there waiting for it's chance to force these people to pack their halves of everything...

You spend years getting to know someone in a way that causes you to fight for them... You say you would die for them... You say only death will separate such a union... Then you find yourself fighting this person... Where you once would have died for this person, you won't give them any ground until you prove how wrong they are... Being right is more important than grace... The words "I'm sorry" only get said once you proved your point... Sex gets mistaken for love... Doors get slammed so often, it seems that there is no way to talk to each other anymore... Then you feel lonely, even with them sleeping beside you... Someone leaves... Then you find yourself sleeping in an empty bed... And you lay there wondering what happened to those kids who fought the world together.

You keep trying to forget the passion you wanted them to never forget. You try to move on when you wanted them to stay. You stumble through a life you thought they would help you walk through. You watch certain T.V. shows because it is their favorite... And you just want to feel connected to someone.

There is a distinct weariness that bleeds a person who feels no intimacy. And this might be the place where you find the people who have watched a marriage crumble despite their greatest attempts to "fix" things. They once shared their greatest secrets and fears with a person, only to have those fear realized by an empty home and a wedding band that has been robbed of the love and promise it was made for...

This is why Jesus begs us to run to him when it hurts. He said, "Fall, just fall... I will catch you." Then He decides to look in our souls and say, "I know you. I knew you before this pain caused your tears..." Then He shows His hands "I know how it feels to have someone hurt you. I know how what it is like to have lover walk out on you." He holds you until your tears find an end. You tell Him it still hurts even after all the years. His compassion fills the air and He promises you it will pass... Sometime soon.

There is nothing more intimate then this salvation we find in Him. No matter how many times we walk away from Him, He still reaches for our heart. Not matter how many times someone walks all over our heart, He still mends the broken parts. Mat Kearney once said, "Life is hell, but it is beautiful." I love the life the Lord is giving me. This side of the "storm" is better than the other. He promised me that He would show me this side... It's hell, but it's beautiful.

Thank You Lord!

This is a piece of a great song by Mat Kearney... Pain is a path that we sometime find ourselves walking. The Lord told us to expect it, then He told us he would never give us more than we could handle. Mat tells this story well.

i got a letter today of why she went away
she said, it's better this way, you knew i never could stay
half empty closets and frames, all that’s left to my name
as she left in the rain and left my heart on a chain
three years i’ve built this two-face tower for hours on a lease
you gave me one yellow flower that said rest in peace
in pieces i’ve broken open to think too much or just enough
alone to trust midst the rubble and the dust
humbled, it took this much to break down and understand
spent my life this far on castles made of sand
tossed in the breakers in the palm of your hand
now i can finally stand

-"Renaissance" by Mat Kearney

Smile guys. This post is about hope (in a dark way). Life gets hard, but it's worth it.

Forgive Me for Not Forgiving You

I have a friend that has found love in a girl. For namesake I will call him Mark (not his real name.). I had dinner with him yesterday, and listened to him describe her. He told me how he loved her eyes and the face she loves kung-fu movies. He told me how it feels to know someone posses such feelings for him. He spent a lot of time describing how good it feels to know her. I sat there smiling because I was so happy for this kid. He has a hard time wrestling with self-worth. He looks in the mirror and wonders what is wrong with himself. He draws conclusion that he is too fat, too ugly, or too much of a nerd. He has bought into lies that the Deceiver has whispered to him all his life. But somehow, when he looks in this girls eyes that stuff seems to melt away for a moment and he feels like he is "worth it." He feels like he has a chance. He feels free to be himself. When she smiles at him, he knows it's okay for him to snort when he laughs. It's okay for him to be in love with Star Wars. It's okay that he isn't the best dresser. It's okay for him to let his guard down. It's okay for him to speak from his heart.

This is the feeling that our relationship with Jesus is to give us. When He looks into our eyes, there is a rush of emotion that fills the empty parts of our heart. His smile lets us know He approves of our heart. He tells us that He loves our funny laugh. He promises us that He likes the way we ramble on and on to Him. In the gospels Jesus tells us that He is our bridegroom, and we his bride. Christ uses the most sacred relationship we have in this life to describe our relationship with Him. How much more could we ask for? What does He expect out of our relationship that He would call us His bride? I have to believe He wants us to find Him. To find Him worthy of praise. But more importantly, He wants us to find Him trustworthy enough to live as He created us to be. He wants us to be honest with Him. He wants all the trash we hide. He wants to talk with us. As much as we want to feel the acceptance this relationship offers, He wants to give us that acceptance. He wants us to be filled up, and He stops at nothing in His pursuit of us. He gave His life so we could freely (in Him) live ours without hesitation for eternity.

I have another friend (I have a lot of friends, huh?), I will call him Jim. Jim has been married over six years. He has a couple of good kids. He is your average guy. He works hard at his job, does his best for his kids, and tries his best to love his wife. But recently, he can't seem to find a way to enjoy his relationship with the woman he married six years ago. A couple of years ago Jim's wife made a series of bad choices that almost ended their marriage. Everyone told Jim that he had every right to leave her. As much as it hurt, Jim stayed with her the best way he knew how. Fast forward to now, and Jim still can't shake the history of their relationship. He still carries the pain of broken trust. He still feels the anger. Jim just bottled up these emotions years ago, and now the lid has busted off the top of the bottle. No matter what his wife tries, Jim can't seem to see past her short comings. No one blames him for these feelings...But how long should Jim's bride pay for her mistakes? How long should Jim with hold his compassion from her? How much longer can their relationship withstand this? How much longer until one of them throws in the towel.

Jim's bride made mistakes along her way. She took her eyes off her husband and looked elsewhere. So had Jesus' bride! It seem a daily ritual for us to withdraw our eyes from the gaze of our Lord. We look to any idol or shiny thing to make us feel good... To make us feel beautiful... To make us feel "worth it." For some reason we forget His complete love for us, and we start thinking about what we don't have... Or we start listening to the same one that spoke to Eve in the garden. "He doesn't love you anymore... He doesn't find you lovely anymore... How could He ever see past what you did?" How long will we let these lies cause us this pain? Now long will our fears reign over us? Jim, how long will you harbor this? How long will you with hold from your bride what you freely tell others?... Jesus said that he has removed all of our wrongs. Everyday, when we wake up He tells us how proud He is of us. When we ask Him not to hold our wrongs against us, He doesn't.

How long will we continue to stare longingly across the canyons that separate our relationships with those we love? How long until we work toward bridging the gap? How much do we have to loose before we start grabbing for that which we long for. The Lord never stops grasping for our hand. He is desperate to forgive us. He wants nothing more than to hold us and say: "I love you so much. I know you messed up, but you are here now... That is what matters most to me. You are worth every sacrifice." What would happen if we told those we love that they are worth it? What would happen if we stopped holding out our emotions so we wouldn't get hurt? What would happen if we took the first step in repairing relationships... Even if it means looking like a fool, and getting hurt all over again? I bet it's worth it... I bet it's worth more than the pain and bitterness we hold onto.