A Boy Walking In A Man's Shoes

As a guy that struggles with the thought of being a man:

I am frightened by the people who look to me for any amount of strength or guidance. Not that there are many, but there are those who see or talk to me on a daily basis and those who ask me questions about this life I am stumbling through. And there are those who listen to my words. Why would people in committed relationships even think of asking insight from a guy who couldn't make his marriage work? Don't dismiss that statement because you think I am being too hard on myself. Read that sentence again, then try and give me an answer. It scares me straight to my core, to think that people might actually listen to my jumbled words about relationships. All I have to offer are lists of thing NOT to do.

Don't dismiss her dreams... she believes in you.

Don't forget the way she looked in her dress as she walked down the aisle.

Don't let the hard days at work destroy the good in her heart.

Don't forget that she listens to the words you say to her.

Don't forget the things she gave up to be by your side.

Don't forget to help her clean the dishes.

Don't forget to show her the love you tell her about.

Don't wait, capture her heart again tonight.

Don't forget that she is worth it... ALL of it.

"You call me a boy, but I'm tryin' to be a man."- Mat Kearney

As a guy, I am scared of the thought of being a man:

I am scared of being "okay". I am scared that if I don't have something fight my way through... I might have nothing at all. I am not trying to be dramatic, just honest. What am I supposed to do if I'm not fighting for a marriage, if I'm not fighting for respect, if I'm not fighting a woman's heart, if I'm not fighting to love the man God is shaping me into?... What am I if I am "okay" with being me? I am scared because I have never been at this place I am right now... I have never before been "okay" with who I am... but that is the place I am finding myself. I don't know how to be "okay" among a group of people that have watched me struggle through hard seasons of my life. What do they expect from me if I don't have that usual disposition? So I run away from them, because I am scared... and I don't know why.

I am scared of being a man:

I am scared that the things the Lord tells me might be true. He tells me that He loves me. Why would He do that? I am scared that He DOES know everything about me. I am not scared of dying, but I scared of dying before running this race the way He knows I can. I am scared that He is right about the man He tells me I can be... because now I have no choice but to be that man.

Despite these fears, I am more of a man than I have ever been. I have cried tears worth crying. I have laughed like a girl, and loved every moment of it. I have said words other were too scared to say. I have made a stand, and paid the price. I have loved when other called it foolish. I dream of things bigger than me. I am more of a man today because the Lord won't give up on me. He keeps whispering to me, "You're worth my blood. You're good... you're good kid!"

I am scared... but He is... He just IS.

Me?... Dating?... This Isn't Gonna' Be Pretty!

I find it humorous when I post something about dating and love on this blog. Let me assure you that I do not believe I have a special insight into the workings of relationships. But, I am starting to understand some simple aspects about fruitful dating.

I don't know if opposites attract, but I know it makes or an interesting cup of coffee. It is FUN talking with people who don't share your same views and lifestyle... but I am not sure if it makes for a great relationship... but the jury is still out on that one.

Constant clashing is exhausting. Fighting through a relationship can feel like swimming upstream. And that begs the question: "Does this person clash or compliment who I am?" Because, I hope people who consider themselves "ready" to date have a health knowledge of who the Lord is molding them to be. Because the person the Lord is leading us to be, is who we want to be... so how much should the person I date clash against His work? Don't get me wrong, I believe fighting is a sign of a healthy relationship, but constant clashing of belief systems and worldviews can take almost anything worthwhile out of dating. But, finding a person that compliments who you are is worth the struggle. Finding a person who's strengths compliment my weaknesses is worth the wait. A person who challenges me about the sins I live in is worth being accountable to... in fact she might be worth more than anything I could offer her (gummy bears, bad jokes, my need to have facial hair to prove that I am a man, etc...).
As I have ventured back out into the strange land of dating again, I have found out I am not "smooth" as I once thought. I have also found out how bad I am at being attractive (Is body odder bad? And do you use conditioner before or after shampoo?). I have also learned that I need to lighten up. It's okay for me to be me, even if that means I don't "get the girl". Laugh... laugh a lot!!!!!!!

A Few Things I have Been Learning

Over the past couple of months I have learned a couple of things that... well they suck to learn these things the hard way.

-Too much fast food disrupts the normal flow of things inside your body. I don't think I need to expand on this too much, but I will say this... Everyone needs to eat a salad every now and then!

-I am not an island! In the great movie About A Boy, Will (Hugh Grant) learns, the hard way, that you need people to get through life. In the past two months I have tried everything to keep myself away from people, because they make things messy! People have a bad habit of crowding you. They need things and can have a way of hurting you. But the farther you distance yourself from people... well, loneliness has a way of replacing the freedom you felt from people. Things can get pretty dark in a place like that.

-Community and Fellowship aren't a walk in the park, either! Just because I learned that you need people, doesn't make dealing with people any easier! The hard part about having fellowship with people in a community that you willingly are a part of is that you are forced to give something of yourself. You have to listen, care, and mean things. Who wants to do that? Who wants to sit with people and tell them that you are all screwed up inside, and you aren't sure things are going to get better? Who wants to listen a bunch of people talk about their "struggles"? Well... deep down we all do. It is a need that God put in us. So, I need to learn to be with people a lot better than I am right now!

-Community and Fellowship do not replace the need to be with God in the private places of my life. Fellowship is just a reflection of my relationship with the Creator and Savior of my life. No matter how much time I spend with a group of people that lift up and encourage me, there is no substitute for the time I spend with my God. I will never truly know His word unless I spend time with Him in it. He is the only giver of peace in this life, community is just one way He administers His peace.

-It is healthy to try new things! I tried Tofu for the first time. I liked it! I have also found a love for Yogurt. Up next: I will try to not be a jerk at work (I doubt I will like that as much as the yogurt!).

-Don't promise things you can't deliver. I have promised things to people with the best of intentions, but with a small hope that I never have to deliver. It is horrible when you don't do what you promised you would (especially to family!). How small of a man am I when I don't have the guts to give up a small piece of my time and life for others! I need to keep my emotions in check, so I don't hurt people with broken promises given in anger or sorrow.

There are millions of other things that I could say, but I am sure they wouldn't be as authentic as they should.

Lets all learn to love ourselves in our struggles. Lets learn to praise God for the small stuff like: toothpaste, the clanging of forks before a meal, toilets that work properly, and toilet paper (ohh, how I love the toilet paper!)

Family And The Times We Share

Nice picture, huh?! I have spent a lot of time thinking a about family (again) and this life we live in. I will spare you most of my useless thoughts, and just tell you about the beginning of my year.

I finally got to see my entire family at the beginning of the year. Because of the line of work all of my family are in, and the distance that is between us, my family celebrates Christmas at the beginning of the year. We have the tree, a big feast, and the whole nine yards. In previous years there have been many things that have caused there to be a strain on this time together. Whether it be relationships that have been strained, poor health, or whatever; my family has had a hard time in the past enjoying the time we spend together... not this year!

All three sons where back under my mothers roof. All the grand kids where accounted for. Everyone was smiling from ear to ear pretty much the entire time. Mom was in reasonably good health; her voice was strong... I swear she looked great, almost glowing.

The three of us boys stayed up with Stan's wife Misty, and our mom. We stayed up talking about past Christmas'. We shared our favorite memories, and corrected the lies that have crept into each others stories. We laughed so hard when Stan recounted the morning he and Nathan woke up early one morning to play with the new presents, then they got kicked outside in the freezing weather for being to loud! Nathan chipped in with his favorite memory. Mom told us about the Christmas when her brothers got a miniature cannon (that's right a cannon)... well you do the math: little boys and a cannon... of course something got broken! I held my breath when she moved from that memory to a memory of when she and my dad where still married. She told us of a time when Sr. and Jr. when standing around the tree... there was nothing special about the story except the fact that she remembered it (There is a long journey that lights the path she has traveled to get to the place where she could tell such a story... I love my mom!). We stayed up for a long time finishing wrapping the gifts for the kids... and we laughed. The weekend was filled with good times. We had more family drop by, and it just made it even better. I cannot remember a Christmas this good.

I found an even deeper love for my entire family at the begging of this year. I watched Larry (my step-dad) melt over my mother. It was amazing to see the two of them laugh and love with each other. They seem to be moving closer together as the years go by, isn't that amazing?

It was amazing to feel such fellowship and community with the whole family. Have you ever had part of your family at odds with the other part? It makes it hard to enjoy being in the same house. But it makes for an amazing experience when everyone is enjoying the time they spend with each other. We laughed deeply. We shared our hearts to each other, and found loving embraces. We eat and drank with smiles for the people around us. We told more stories that bordered on lies, and we made new memories that will last us a long time. Isn't that the goal of family?

So This Is Christmas...

Working in the retail and/or the restaurant business gives you a different view of the holidays. You see hundreds of people buying gifts for all the right reasons... but in all the wrong ways. They fight and yell at the person in front of them in the check out line, because they have family they need to rush home to. People loose patience with the cashier when they can't scan the bar code that has been ripped off... Why is it so hard to find a genuine smile to give to the person on the other side of the counter (cashier or customer)?

I love the idea of Christmas. I love the Biblical origin of the holiday. I will spare you all the "I hate the commercialism" comments. Man, I even like the Christmas songs... seriously they make me smile, and give me a good reason to do a stupid dance as someone sings "dashing through the snow" during a Texas Christmas (it's 75 degrees outside, seriously!). All that said, this hasn't been a great Christmas for me (just hear me out!). Since I have left my parents home in Crockett, I have adjusted nicely to being a grown up during the holidays. I accept the shift of the holidays being about the children and not me. The only thing that I ask for during the holidays is for family. I just want to see my parents. I want to see my brothers and their families. I am okay with not having anyone to hold tight during this "romantic" season... I just want to the chance to be an uncle for a couple of days, know what I mean? I just want to be a brother for a little bit. I want to hug my mothers neck, and stand around the BBQ pit with my Dad as we grill up some last minute food. But I haven't gotten that chance, and it has made the holiday hard this year. Family equals holidays... so these December days haven't felt like a holiday season.

I don't want to be a downer, because there is so much to be thankful for; and I am super thankful for the blessing that have been given. So, enjoy this time of the year, no matter how stressful. Watch your kids tare into the presents. Take that great "after turkey" nap. Hug your husbands. Kiss you wives. Let you family individually know how much they mean to you. Then, for crying out loud, give the people at Starbucks a break if it takes them a little longer to get you your extra foamy latte; look around there are hundreds of other people waiting too!

Merry Christmas. Thanks for being you and a part of my life!

Oldplay

I have never been a big Coldplay fan. The reasons behind this are for a differen't conversation. But I LOVE this. I like this guys voice, and the concept behind this... but, I LOVE this clip because the girl in the crowd at the 1:12 marker. Our souls are meant to be touch. We should be moved by the beauty of the moments that touch us.

A Merciful Loss

Here's the thing about loss: It is never a singular moment. It doesn't matter what you loose, it is lost everyday until you find it or you replace it. The worst part about loss is that somethings cannot be replaced. You can't replace a loved one who has passed away. How does a teenager replace the virginity they just lost in the backseat of a car? Can a child ever replace or refill the innocents that is unwillingly ripped from them? Loss removes the blinders that we wear. Loss forces us to survey the lives that we are living, because after loss there is something missing. By definition, loss creates an emptiness. How does a father rewind the time that he lost with his children?

There is so much that can be said about loosing things in this life. I have spent many pages of this blog pouring over the effects of loosing things that you hold so dear. But there is something bigger to be said about loss. Loss hurts like hell, but salvation is the sweetest fulfillment of the soul. Just as loss is not a singular event, neither is salvation. Salvation pours over us daily. Salvation is the beginning of the redemption plan that the Lord will bring to completion. He tells us that at the end of time He will make ALL things new. That includes those who trust in Him, in spit of loss and pain. But what about today? Loss is happening right now, and it hurts!

Lamentations 3:21-24 "This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

Every morning the sun rises like a second chance to do things better today than you did yesterday... that is His mercy on us. He doesn't give up on us. He can fill the pain that loss creates; better than that, He can grow us from loss. He can help us grow stronger than the things that are lost.

Let Him be your hope.

Stirring the Air I Breath

Life never stops coming at you. It just happens... full blast! Today was filled with me failing a final exam, to me trying to play savior at work, to comforting a hurting brother, and by the end of the night I found a way to play the jerk as well (sorry Taylor!). All I am saying is that it can get exhausting living this life. I know that there is nothing in those last two sentences that are ground breaking or earth moving... but they are true. After all that I did or that I had happen to me today, I reread the introduction of a great book (Through Painted Deserts, by Donald Miller). The entire book is about his journey from Texas to Oregon (sounds nice huh?), and the ways he sees God moving. But the introduction to this book stirs my soul. Know what I mean? Have you ever had a movie or something just make your heart move toward something MORE that what you are?

Maybe I am being too poetic or something, but I can't stop feeling this stirred sensation in the pit of my stomach (maybe it's just the pizza talking). I think God put stuff inside us that makes us awe and wonder for and about Him. For me it's mountains and sunsets. I just can't not see his divine presence when I gaze at the pinks and golds that fill a sunset sky. He put that inside me. He put it there because I have a short memory. He put it there to remind me of Him when I start wimpering about how bad I have it. He put it there to show me that I am loved... even when I feel it's impossible. He put it there because He is gracious to a ego driven klutz like me.

After I started to heal up from some of the worst pain in my life I heard a song that talked about hope and breathing again. It rang so true to me. Every word washed over my beat up soul. For me, at that time, it was telling me (He was telling me) it was okay to be okay... not great or perfect or fake... but okay with me and Him. Now, all this time later, I have stumbled over this song again (or He has hit me over the head with it). But, it means something more. There is so much in the song that speaks to giving the grace that has been given. And it speaks a lot about the beauty in his creation (and His presence).



This clip is Breathing Air Again, by the Robbie Seay Band. The video has great photography. Just take the time...

If Your Church Disapeared, Would Your Neighborhood Miss It?

Just asking a question.



What do you think?

Just A Ramble

I was in a wreck last month. It was totally my fault, and I feel like an idiot! I have a bad habit of not totally paying attention to the road, and the other drivers that are traveling beside me. I find myself always in my own world. I am either trying to find just the right song on my ipod or talking on my phone. When I am behind the wheel of my truck, it's all about me. How stupid am I?

Last month, it was business as usual. I was driving on my way to get where I wanted to go. My mind was full of everything that I have been wrestling with for the past couple months... and years. It seems that my mind and heart are just fighting each other... then there are new things that have decided to jump into the mix. What do you do when you find yourself questioning almost everything around you? What do you do when you feel the urge to run even through you feel you are right where you are supposed to be? What do you do when you question the place you find yourself in this world? What if you question the quality of His will for you?

Have you ever had the moment when all your junk looks you right in face? You have reached a depth that has forced you eye to eye with the stuff you don't want anyone to know about? It's scary. It is haunting. Even though you understand that the Lord has covered all your junk, it is still hard to look at all the crap you still find yourself battling. It hurts. It hurts because you feel so weak. Man, I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling out of control. Worse than that, I hate feeling s if I can't control my own actions. We all love to quote Paul when we find ourselves in these types of situations (The things I don't want to do, I find myself doing; and that which I wish to do I don't).

Here is the way I see myself right now: I hate looking back at the past that I stupidly chose to walk through, but I can't take my eyes off it long enough to actually plan for what might come my way. There is so much stuff that I would like to see myself accomplish... but I never even try. Why do I do that? Why do I only long and wish for things that I can reach? Why don't I ever take those steps that I want to take? (It is at this point in this post that I start to think that I have used a lot of words, and not said a word of what is on my heart!) I am in constant "non-motion". I don't like the choices I made, so I let them place enough fear in me to cause me to try and never make another decision that might blow up in my face. Know what I mean? I am scared that I might fail again. I know the scriptures that speak of boldness... and yet I still just stand.

So this is what I am going to do. I am not going to promise myself that I will start to act. I am going to do something Godly for a change. I am going to thank my God for the things he has blessed me with. And I am going to bless him for the things that have been taken away from me...and the things that are still in my life. King David spent an entire book aching over the situations and emotions that where present in his life. Then he praise the Lord that loved him enough to let him cry. I am loved, and He has given me the power to accomplish the deep yearnings of my heart. So, while I still struggle to let go of the past, and can't find the right way to reach for the future...I praise. I give thanks, even if I feel hollow as i do it!



This is a clip of Mat Kearney. He is freestyling at a small church. He is singing about seeting up an alter right where you are. Just setting it up in praise for the God that does so much for us!

As I often do, I have been thinking a lot. And, I am brilliant! That was just a joke. But I have found new perspectives about this beautiful wreck I call my life. Let me unload this for ya’: For the longest time I have had this yearning for something. I thought I could satisfy it with a person, or a place other than Dallas, or a new computer or gadget to occupy my time. The worst part is, I sought these things with the knowledge that they wouldn't quench this yearning. I knowingly perused them, knowing that at the end of the day, I would still want more. How sad is that? But here is something new: I am scared!? I haven't really felt truely scared since I was little boy. So it is a little weird writing that I am scared. I am not scared that I might somehow find out that the Lord isn’t as sovereign as He says He is. I’m scared that I won’t find the joy in His plan for me.

Ever have that feeling? Ever looked at the path that you seem to be walking on and said to yourself: “I don’t want to do this anymore! This isn’t what I want!” I walked into my roommate’s room last night, and I sat down in a chair. He and his girlfriend where planning their evening together. I totally interrupted their plans by asking if they wanted to do go to the movies together. As we sat in the room talking about what movie to watch, I started to wonder why I was so desperate to go out with them. My head dropped and I said to them: “I don’t care what movie we watch, I just don’t want to be alone in this apartment on another Saturday night.” Here is something that I know about myself: I am horrible at being alone! I am, and I admit it. I have a horrible, sinful tendency to try to find fulfillment in another flawed human. I have done it all my life. See, I am the worst type of person: I know that I am doing wrong, but I do it anyway. So, I continue to equate fulfillment with my ability to make a girl laugh…or my ability to make my employee’s believe I have everything under control.

But, I know the truth about this yearning that I keep trying to quench with things that rust and fade away. The truth is, it comes from the Lord. The Lord has put this gut wrenching thing that feels like a pain in the pit of our soul that can only be filled by His presence. But, that is easier said then done. Because every chance we get, we try to run as far away from Him as we can. We fight with Him about His will for our lives. We tell Him "no" when He asks something of us that we don't want to give. So there is still this yearning. But, when we do the things He asks us to do, the yearning feels pleasant. When we connect in fellowship with those around us, the yearning is soothing to our beings. I am not saying there isn't pain and sacrifice, because there is. There is pain that sometimes feels unbearable. And the things that we want for ourselves might not happen. Jesus told us this life would be hard. He told us to expect this. He told us to take joy in the sufferings that we go through because of our faith... why did he say that? Why would he tell us that joy in our suffering is the proper response? How do we get to that point? How much do we have to loose before you are joyful for not having something you long for?

This life is a lot easier than we make it out to be. What would happen if we just loved the way He loves us? What would happen in our souls if we gave our time, emotions, and enregy as He does? Would we continue to try and fill our lives with silly things? Would we even care about our lives anymore? How nice would it be to stopped spending so much time worrying and "fixing" your life?

Just a Post

I'm not sure what I want to say with this moment. So it is no surprise that I am having such a hard time finding the right way to say it. There is a swarm of things that are beating up my insides. I think the best word for this is moment is "bittersweet". There are times when you have to understand the place you came from to know where you are going (I heard that somewhere). Well, I still don't have a clue where I'm headed... It's been a long time since I saw a future that held real answers for the questions I once asked. Please understand me: I have found joy... There is peace in His embrace... And His future for me is better than the past I see in my rear view mirror. With that said ("This is going to hurt a little" he told himself)...

You spend half your life walking toward something, and the other half walking away. For the first time in a long time I heard the "divorce" today. I was talking with a dear friend who feels like he has reached the end to his marriage. He and his wife find it hard to be polite with each other, muchless find the enthusiasm to say "I love you". He doesn't talk to me for marriage advice... The only time people ask me for relationship advice is when it seems a relationship is about to end. I have made peace with that. I am thankful that the Lord finds me worthy to help His children (in any situation!). When he said that word to my heart found a corner to cry in. It hurts for me to hear of people that find themselves staring that beast in the eyes. It sits there waiting to devour these two people. It sits there waiting to rip apart any intimacy this man and women might of felt for each other. It sits there waiting for it's chance to force these people to pack their halves of everything...

You spend years getting to know someone in a way that causes you to fight for them... You say you would die for them... You say only death will separate such a union... Then you find yourself fighting this person... Where you once would have died for this person, you won't give them any ground until you prove how wrong they are... Being right is more important than grace... The words "I'm sorry" only get said once you proved your point... Sex gets mistaken for love... Doors get slammed so often, it seems that there is no way to talk to each other anymore... Then you feel lonely, even with them sleeping beside you... Someone leaves... Then you find yourself sleeping in an empty bed... And you lay there wondering what happened to those kids who fought the world together.

You keep trying to forget the passion you wanted them to never forget. You try to move on when you wanted them to stay. You stumble through a life you thought they would help you walk through. You watch certain T.V. shows because it is their favorite... And you just want to feel connected to someone.

There is a distinct weariness that bleeds a person who feels no intimacy. And this might be the place where you find the people who have watched a marriage crumble despite their greatest attempts to "fix" things. They once shared their greatest secrets and fears with a person, only to have those fear realized by an empty home and a wedding band that has been robbed of the love and promise it was made for...

This is why Jesus begs us to run to him when it hurts. He said, "Fall, just fall... I will catch you." Then He decides to look in our souls and say, "I know you. I knew you before this pain caused your tears..." Then He shows His hands "I know how it feels to have someone hurt you. I know how what it is like to have lover walk out on you." He holds you until your tears find an end. You tell Him it still hurts even after all the years. His compassion fills the air and He promises you it will pass... Sometime soon.

There is nothing more intimate then this salvation we find in Him. No matter how many times we walk away from Him, He still reaches for our heart. Not matter how many times someone walks all over our heart, He still mends the broken parts. Mat Kearney once said, "Life is hell, but it is beautiful." I love the life the Lord is giving me. This side of the "storm" is better than the other. He promised me that He would show me this side... It's hell, but it's beautiful.

Thank You Lord!

This is a piece of a great song by Mat Kearney... Pain is a path that we sometime find ourselves walking. The Lord told us to expect it, then He told us he would never give us more than we could handle. Mat tells this story well.

i got a letter today of why she went away
she said, it's better this way, you knew i never could stay
half empty closets and frames, all that’s left to my name
as she left in the rain and left my heart on a chain
three years i’ve built this two-face tower for hours on a lease
you gave me one yellow flower that said rest in peace
in pieces i’ve broken open to think too much or just enough
alone to trust midst the rubble and the dust
humbled, it took this much to break down and understand
spent my life this far on castles made of sand
tossed in the breakers in the palm of your hand
now i can finally stand

-"Renaissance" by Mat Kearney

Smile guys. This post is about hope (in a dark way). Life gets hard, but it's worth it.

Forgive Me for Not Forgiving You

I have a friend that has found love in a girl. For namesake I will call him Mark (not his real name.). I had dinner with him yesterday, and listened to him describe her. He told me how he loved her eyes and the face she loves kung-fu movies. He told me how it feels to know someone posses such feelings for him. He spent a lot of time describing how good it feels to know her. I sat there smiling because I was so happy for this kid. He has a hard time wrestling with self-worth. He looks in the mirror and wonders what is wrong with himself. He draws conclusion that he is too fat, too ugly, or too much of a nerd. He has bought into lies that the Deceiver has whispered to him all his life. But somehow, when he looks in this girls eyes that stuff seems to melt away for a moment and he feels like he is "worth it." He feels like he has a chance. He feels free to be himself. When she smiles at him, he knows it's okay for him to snort when he laughs. It's okay for him to be in love with Star Wars. It's okay that he isn't the best dresser. It's okay for him to let his guard down. It's okay for him to speak from his heart.

This is the feeling that our relationship with Jesus is to give us. When He looks into our eyes, there is a rush of emotion that fills the empty parts of our heart. His smile lets us know He approves of our heart. He tells us that He loves our funny laugh. He promises us that He likes the way we ramble on and on to Him. In the gospels Jesus tells us that He is our bridegroom, and we his bride. Christ uses the most sacred relationship we have in this life to describe our relationship with Him. How much more could we ask for? What does He expect out of our relationship that He would call us His bride? I have to believe He wants us to find Him. To find Him worthy of praise. But more importantly, He wants us to find Him trustworthy enough to live as He created us to be. He wants us to be honest with Him. He wants all the trash we hide. He wants to talk with us. As much as we want to feel the acceptance this relationship offers, He wants to give us that acceptance. He wants us to be filled up, and He stops at nothing in His pursuit of us. He gave His life so we could freely (in Him) live ours without hesitation for eternity.

I have another friend (I have a lot of friends, huh?), I will call him Jim. Jim has been married over six years. He has a couple of good kids. He is your average guy. He works hard at his job, does his best for his kids, and tries his best to love his wife. But recently, he can't seem to find a way to enjoy his relationship with the woman he married six years ago. A couple of years ago Jim's wife made a series of bad choices that almost ended their marriage. Everyone told Jim that he had every right to leave her. As much as it hurt, Jim stayed with her the best way he knew how. Fast forward to now, and Jim still can't shake the history of their relationship. He still carries the pain of broken trust. He still feels the anger. Jim just bottled up these emotions years ago, and now the lid has busted off the top of the bottle. No matter what his wife tries, Jim can't seem to see past her short comings. No one blames him for these feelings...But how long should Jim's bride pay for her mistakes? How long should Jim with hold his compassion from her? How much longer can their relationship withstand this? How much longer until one of them throws in the towel.

Jim's bride made mistakes along her way. She took her eyes off her husband and looked elsewhere. So had Jesus' bride! It seem a daily ritual for us to withdraw our eyes from the gaze of our Lord. We look to any idol or shiny thing to make us feel good... To make us feel beautiful... To make us feel "worth it." For some reason we forget His complete love for us, and we start thinking about what we don't have... Or we start listening to the same one that spoke to Eve in the garden. "He doesn't love you anymore... He doesn't find you lovely anymore... How could He ever see past what you did?" How long will we let these lies cause us this pain? Now long will our fears reign over us? Jim, how long will you harbor this? How long will you with hold from your bride what you freely tell others?... Jesus said that he has removed all of our wrongs. Everyday, when we wake up He tells us how proud He is of us. When we ask Him not to hold our wrongs against us, He doesn't.

How long will we continue to stare longingly across the canyons that separate our relationships with those we love? How long until we work toward bridging the gap? How much do we have to loose before we start grabbing for that which we long for. The Lord never stops grasping for our hand. He is desperate to forgive us. He wants nothing more than to hold us and say: "I love you so much. I know you messed up, but you are here now... That is what matters most to me. You are worth every sacrifice." What would happen if we told those we love that they are worth it? What would happen if we stopped holding out our emotions so we wouldn't get hurt? What would happen if we took the first step in repairing relationships... Even if it means looking like a fool, and getting hurt all over again? I bet it's worth it... I bet it's worth more than the pain and bitterness we hold onto.

God Loves Baseball!

I just finished watching the St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series. True, it is bitter sweet because I wish the Twins could have gotten out of the first round; however I love watching the post-game celebration (just as long as it isn't the Yankees having the good time). There is so much emotion that erupts from men when we feel our hard work actually means something. Jeff Weaver pitched 8 great innings. When the finial out was recorded he rushed the field and fell to pieces. He sobbed after he pitched the game of his life. There have been many people that doubted his ability, is there any better way to prove someone wrong?

Watching men cry after events like this makes me ask myself a question: "How many people live their life waiting for a moment that defines as something more than a failure?" How many people have pasted away before feeling they have reached such a moment? I know I sometime find myself holding my breath waiting for a chance to prove myself, not only to everyone else, but to myself. Instead of living in the freedom that comes from knowing what Jesus did for me with His life; I burden myself with a notion that it's my job to prove myself worthy. I love baseball, and I believe the Lord never stops reminding us who we are, who He is, and who we can be when we listen to the words He pumps through our hearts.

Just a Thought

All I have is a quote and a question.

"If a man does not find those things for which his heart is made, if he is never even invited to live for them from his deep heart, he will look for them in some other way. Why is pornography the number one snare for men? He longs for the beauty, but without his fierce and passionate heart he cannot find her or win her or keep her. Though he is powerfully drawn to the woman, he does not know how to fight for her or even that he is to fight for her. Rather, he finds her mostly a mystery that he knows he cannot solve and so at a soul level he keeps his distance. And privately, secretly, he turns to the imitation. What makes pornography so addictive is that more than anything else in a lost man's life, it makes him feel like a man without ever requiring a thing from him. The less a guy feels like a real man in the presence of a real woman, the more vulnerable he is to porn." - John Eldredge, Wild At Heart

Why is so hard to be the men He wants us to be? Is there anything more attractive than the life He offers? Then why do we settle for the garbage that only leaves us hollow?

Is Freedom More Than a Name?

Am I the only person that gets caught off guard by the goodness we are allowed to live in? I often wonder if I deserve the good that comes my way. I question my good fortunes because I know who I am when the all the lights are out and no one is looking at me. Someone once told me that we are truly the person we become when no one is looking. I believe that because scripture tells us that the Lord knew us before we where even in our mothers womb.

Up until now, I never understood the freedom the Lord was telling me about in that scripture. Instead of me feeling the need to hide, He is whispering: "I already know about all your muddy roads... and it's okay. I love you so much more than anything you could ever do." It is such a basic truth of our Lord, but so profound. It speaks right to His never ending grace. But what do we do with such freedom?

Does this give us reason to take liberty with our lives, and live as we please? I don't think it does (but I still do sometimes). We always hear people say: "You only live once!" Then they get sloppy drunk or commit an act that they will regret in the morning. I don't think regret ever follows the true freedom the Lord offers us to live with. I don't think we can truly understand this freedom until we feel the chains of regret and sin. Once Christ's' blood unlocks any chains that locked up our heart, freedom stands in the doorway with it's arms open waiting to embrace us.

This freedom is felt when we open ourselves up. It is embraced when take the time to be effected by our fellow man. Freedom is experienced when we are willing to be broken for other people. Look around at the people in your life. Is there anyone who has everything together? Or is there anyone who could use a little understanding? Anyone who just needs a shoulder to cry on? There is freedom in knowing that you can live life and when things get hard someone still thinks you are worth their time. That is the key to the "fellowship" that we are all seeking. We go to church, meet in our small groups to feel some community. Until we truly give each other the freedom to mess up and say the wrong thing and then still love each other with out hesitation... until then fellowship is still out of our grasp.

The Lord gives us the freedom to be vulnerable with each other, because he knows we cannot truly comprehend Him. So, he taught us comfort each other... then He promised that where two or more gather, He would be there. Just by living life with each other, we are showing the love of our Father. There is no greating reedom that being able to wake up each morning and just live and love each other.

Big Gulp, Huh?... Alright See Ya' Later!

Over the past five months I have had the honor of working again with a true friend. I met Derek Law over three years ago when he joined the team at my old store. He had worked for the company for six years when I met him. Fast forward to the present, and he is now my boss. I have loved every minute of working under him. During the last three years I have watched a boy wrestle with manhood. I have watched a party animal awkwardly stumble through the emotional battle grounds of being a father. I have shared great days at work with him... And we have waged war against the demons that followed our divorces. Behind his stupid smile lay wounds that have never healed, and his howling laughed hides pain that life have piled on his shoulders.

Let me be honest (forgive me Derek), Derek has one of the foulest mouths my ears have ever been exposed to. He can combine words that I would have never dreamed could fit in the same sentence, much less be united to become foul words. Derek has done things in his life that you only see in movies (the kind mothers hope their children never see). Derek can sound and act like the biggest jerk you could ever meet. He can be too abrupt at times; to the point in hurts when you walk away from him. His personal life can be tragic at times. He has trouble communicating what he really wants to say, but it never stops him from talking... And talking. But, with that said...

I would give my life for this guy. I can handle the mounds of foul language, because he is the most honest person in my life. He will tell the truth, even if it makes him look like a jerk . It is no secret, to anyone who takes the time to listen to him, that Derek's life is a little screwed up. He knows it, but why is he so honest about it? I am not saying he is only honest to his "inner circle" (or puts it on a blog because he couldn't stand the thought of being totally honest in person), his entire staff that works under him knows that he has issues. Why does he make this known even to those who would use it against him if they ever got the chance? Or those who don't give a crap about anyone, just so long as they get paid?

I am one of Dereks biggest fans. I want him to be the best father Diggy ever has knowledge of. I want Derek to be the best partner in any relationship he finds himself in. I want Derek to continue to be one of the best friends I ever have. I want him to be the best boss anyone who works with him speaks of. More than anything I want Derek to know my Jesus. But, I never want him to loose the honesty the makes him so enduring to those who look closely at the mess we call this life. I will never forget the day I watched Derek (in a true moment of vulnerability) pour his heart out to one of his employees about how he was having trouble managing a store and the pain of being a single father, and she brushed him off like dirt on a clean white floor. She didn't want to understand because it gets too messy. It takes too much time.

Life is messy. Words are printed in black and white, but life is full of grays. There is nothing clean about any of us. I am dirty from head to toe from all the crap I jump into. We are all broken...even if we act like we are pieces of art. Give me a break, all of those who whisper behind close doors, all of those who hind behind masks... the truth is not easy... but it is the most effective currency known to man. There is more to people than what we see at the work place, and there is more that goes into a persons preformance than the events that happen once we punch the time clock. Is there any understanding worth extending to others? Or, is our personal life more important. (man, I sound bitter... but I feel more defeated than angery or bitter.)

A Race To Grace

In my very first post on this blog I asked the question: "Is grace worth dying for?" I don't remember what drove me to that question back then, but I am thrown back to it. What happens when someone hurts those you love the most in life? What happens when someone's personal decisions hurt you? What do you do with that person? Is grace at the intersection at which this person stands in your life? Should it hurt this much to show someone the grace that was shown to me on Calvary? I have people in my life that have made some decisions that have caused those close to me LOTS of pain, which has caused me to have pain. I have talked to many people about this situation, and have gotten some great answers. I think the most profound statement I heard was from my friend Cat. She said, "Everyone craves truth." She was talking about approaching people with love and grace, but most importantly with the truth. I think she is right. People want honesty, even if it hurts. We are taught, by Jesus, to extend grace to others just as it was extended to us. Paul taught us that to live this redeemed life is to daily die to our selfish nature. I think these two things go hand in hand. And, I think these two lessons hurt the most. Paul echoed this by says that "to die is gain".

Should it hurt me this much to give someone a fraction of the grace that was given to me? No. Should I make someone earn my grace and forgiveness when these where freely given to me? No. So why does it hurt, and why do I require things from others? I think I make this life harder than it needs to be. But, I am comforted to know that I am not the first to try and complicate the simplicity of this redeemed life I am leading. Jesus had to get the disciples back in line on more than one occasion. Paul wasn't shy about the fact his wrong actions often out weighted the redemption he was given.

I am not sure if grace comes before forgiveness or vice versa, and I am not sure if you need one to complete the other. But, I know that they are both an important part of my life. And they often enter my life at the same time. And I know I need God's grace to help me forgive those who hurt me. I know I am not perfect, but as Gerald G. May put it: " We cannot use failure as an excuse to guit trying." So what am I trying to say with all these words? I guess it all boils down to this: I am hurt, and I forgive the people that hurt me... But it still takes me longer than it should.

Sunday Pain

I sat in my seat Sunday at church, wondering why I was there. I know why I go to church, and I am okay with those reasons. But, I couldn't help wondering why I didn't just walk out and enjoy the rainy evening with some good reading on my patio. I was sitting on a completely empty row of chairs, so I found myself in a comfortable spot. That changed when a man came and asked if he could sit by me and "be my friend". I figured he just wanted to get by me so he could sit a couple of seats down from me... Nope. He sat right beside me. Let me state again that the entire row was empty. We exchanged some small talk, then the service got started, thank God.

I stood up and started to sing, and soon forgot the strange man beside me. During the first song, an elderly couple came walking in. The lady was holding onto the old man to help him walk to their seat. I have seen these two before, and it wrenches my heart every time I see this guy. He looks like he is in pain with every awkward step he takes. His back is bent low from a hard life. My heart found a corner to cry in as I watched them walk past. I stared wondering if I would walk in such a way when I reached his age, because I don't want to. I don't want to have a physical state that forces others to look at me with pity. But, that is what I was doing to this man. Why was my souls aching at the site of this man? Lucky for me, the music ended, and Andy got up and started to preach.

I remember everything Andy said. I was listening and hearing what he had to say. He ended and it was time for the last song. I stood and started singing "Blessed Be Your Name", and the words hit me that way they always do. As we sang "Blessed be Your name, On the road marked with suffering, Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name" that old couple awkwardly walked over to light a candle and then headed to the alter. As painful as it was to watch him walk, it hurt worse to see the pain on his face bent down to kneel at the alter. I could almost feel the pain shoot down his body. My soul broke again, my eyes lost control, and I wept. "On the road marked with suffering, There's pain in the offering, Blessed be your name" Sometimes it hurts to live this life, and sometimes it is sunshine and birds singing. I watched this couple as they huddled together to pray. At that moment I envied him. His wife was leaning into him, holding him, while they lifted up their heart to the Lord. Is there a better portrait of what all of us ask for in a spouse?

This isn't an out cry for a spouse. This is me actually having a moment where I stopped worrying about me long enough to see what it means to sing "On the road marked with suffering, There's pain in the offering, (but) blessed be your name Lord Jesus" The service ended, and I walked away to finish the rest of my Sunday. What's a boy to do with the rest of his life?

Truth On the Big Screen

I just got finished watching a great movie, The Last Kiss. Those of you who know me, know that I love Zach Braff. But, actually, that has nothing to do with why this movie is still stirring in my head. I know that there are those who wont watch rated R movies and choose not to watch or listen to similar media. And I must admit that there is some really racey stuff in this movie (hence the "R" rating). But, I just got finished watching the realities of this life played out by a bunch of actors, and it ripped my heart out. It hurt to watch this movie. I was uncomfortable with the pain this movie displayed. The movie centers around the pain choices can cause.

I sat in the theater and watched Hollywood versions of my friends and family members. I knew every character in a real way. I have a lot to say about the movie, but I don't want to ruin it for anyone. But, let me say this; there are Biblical truths screaming in this movie. There is the truth of pain. There is the realities of unfaithfulness. There is the realities of truthfulness. But, here is what is killing me right now: I see these people everyday. I see these truths fleshed out everyday by people who do and don't have a personal relationship with Jesus. I see guys and girls making choices and then hurting for them for a long time. And, I am one of those guys. Everyone is looking for some peace about the lives they are leading, so we make choices we think will help us find this peace.

John14:27 "Peace I leave with with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Jesus said this to his disciples after telling them about how the Holy Spirit will help guide them and comfort them until Jesus makes his return. This is the peace that our choices try to capture. When will we stop making choices without His guided hand?