Sometimes Freedom Is Only A Name

This Last Month

2008-12-10T20:24:00.002-06:00

Yesterday marked an entire month of martial bliss for Leah and me. November 9th Leah and I got married in front of our family and friends. I have held off writing about it because I really wanted to process the day. Monday night Leah and I went to see Colbie Caillat in concert. I got the tickets to the show not because she is one of my favorite artists (even though I sang every song she sang!), but because her music has always reminded me of Leah. And she reminds me of our wedding day. We had our first dance as a married couple to her song "Magic”. We danced to that song again at the concert. That moment has brought me to this post.

The days leading up to the wedding were full of stress and anticipation. Getting families into Dallas, finding last minute cloths for everyone, making sure Leah wasn't stressing out, and trying not to let the words "I just want this to be over" slip out of my mouth was taking a giant toll on me right up to the moment I arrived at the garden. I will be honest enough to say that it was a fight for me to enjoy the week before the wedding. I hate the fact that I let anything get in the way of me celebrating what the Lord was about to do!

I waited at the front of the building that blocked me seeing the garden that the ceremony would grow out of. My friend Jon stood by me playing on his guitar the song that I asked him to play while Leah and I would take Holy Communion. As he sang the sweet words:

“…Love will sustainLove will provideLove will not ceaseAt the end of time…”

I was hoping that those words would be true for Leah and me. As we stood there waiting for my cue to tell me that it was safe to go around the building, I got to greet everyone as they arrived. I greeted my friend Mike who, even though we haven’t talked in a while, I hold so deep to my heart because he walked with me through some of the loneliest roads of my life. Seeing his face started to help me feel some of the magnitude of what was about to happen. To my surprise, a couple of our friends that we met on out mission trip to Honduras came walking up to me. That trip was a big reason the ceremony was about to begin. As I watched our guest arrive, I could feel the Lord opening my heart and helping me to focus on what He was doing. I got the sign to head back to the garden, and Jon kept playing as we walked:

“…Love is the arms that are holding youLove never fails youWhen my heart won't make a soundWhen I can't turn back aroundWhen the sky is falling downNothing is
greater than thisGreater than this…”

I walked the path leading to the ceremony site. I walked under some hanging ivy thinking how grateful I was that the Lord made that ivy for this moment in my life. I was greeted by my brothers and my best man, Bob Cornwell. I looked at Bob and started smiling and laughing. See, Bob has been my sponsor during my time in Recovery. He knows absolutely the worst things that I have done in my life, and he told me that he still would be honored to be my best man during the ceremony! We serve a God of redemption and grace! I then walked up to the pastor who was about to perform the ceremony to get my flower pinned on me. He hugged me, and turned me around so no one could see what he was telling me. Steve Hayes started as a guy that I would drink with, then turned into my pastor, and is now my best friend. He watched every step that Leah and I had taken together; who else would perform the ceremony? Everyone was in place to watch the beautiful mess that God had been (and still is) perfecting.

Jon changed the tune on his guitar as the ladies came down. The first bridesmaid was my niece, MaKayla. She was nervous and beautiful as she walked to her spot. Next was Celeste. She is Leah’s friend from Seattle that she met in Argentina. The Leah’s sister, Laura. It was great seeing Laura support her baby sister. Then the cutest flower girl came stomping down. We had my young niece, Skylar, giggle down the aisle holding her daddy’s hand as she dropped the basket of flowers at my feet. It was awesome! Then Jon changed the tune of the guitar again to signal that it was time for Leah to make her entrance onto the seen. I took a deep breath, praying that the Lord would help me to drink every moment of this in!

I spotted her just before she walked she walked under the ivy. I started cursing the ivy that I had just given thanks for, because it was blocking my sight of Leah for a moment. Then she appeared again on the arm of her father. What a picture of our Heavenly Father’s love. There is so much to Leah and her dad’s story…it was amazing to see him puffing out his chest as proud as only a father could be! Leah was wearing a white dress that she had made for her wedding day. There are precious thoughts that I had about her in that dress, but I am going to keep those for me! It almost hurt taking her hand from her dad. After handing her life into my care, he stood there for a second. I’m sure that some people thought that he got confused or forgot what to do…but, I looked at his face and saw something different. I’m thankful for Bruce Kirk not shrugging away his emotions that day and actually allowing himself to feel the weight of the moment. Leah and I turned and Steve started telling our story to those who attended.

Steve walked us through our own story, and then took drew back the “curtain” to show how we are all a part of a greater story that makes it possible for us to love; God’s story. We then gave our vows to each other. We had written them ourselves. I was in awe as Leah promised to respect and love me. “Really? What do you see in me that makes you want to choose to promise that,” I thought. Like I said, we serve a God of redemption and grace! As we exchanged our vows, leaves fell on us from the tree that stood over us. A good friend of mine, Josh Farrar, said that he felt like he was standing to watch an important moment in the life of the Church. My brother, Nathan, said that is looked like the Holy Spirit of God was descending on us. It might sound presumptuous of me to say, but it felt like that to me! I felt the Lord blessing us as we promised to serve each other even though we knew it was going to hurt sometimes. I felt the Spirit guiding us as took His Holy Communion. As we took the bread and drank the juice that symbolized Jesus willingly dying of our sins so that we could be reconciled to the Father, I heard Jon singing:

“…Love is right hereLove is aliveLove is the wayThe truth the lifeLove is the
river than flows throughLove is the arms that are holding youLove is the place
you will fly toLove never fails you.”

Steve pronounced us, we sealed it with a kiss, took pictures to prove that actually happened, and then partied because we wanted to celebrate what the Lord had given us.
I could go on and on about everything that happened at the reception, but I wont. Here is what I want you to know about my perception of the reception: I had a giant gummy bear for my grooms cake (which proves how cool Leah is for letting me have it!), we had a photo booth for people to take some pictures so they could remember our wedding, everyone got along, Leah and I enjoyed our first dance as husband and wife, and I wish I could relive the day again.

So dancing at the concert on Monday night was a great reminder of that day. Waking up beside Leah every morning is a great reminder that the Lord has the power to do anything He wants…and He chose to let me marry Leah…He’s a good God!

What I Am Liking Right Now

2008-09-26T18:47:00.003-05:00

Okay, I haven't written on this stupid blog in a long time. And, for good reason. I have been experiencing the busiest time of my life. I have: started a new job, been planing a wedding, taking 12 miserable hours of school, and trying to figure out what the hell to make of the calling that the Lord has placed on my life. To say the least, this blog is the last thing I am worried about. However, with my lack concern of this blog, maybe I there has also been a lack of concern about the need for me to recharge my batteries. So, with that in mind, here are a list of things that I am so enjoying in the world right now:

I always enjoy the preaching of Mark Driscoll! He is: blunt, harsh at time (he sometimes drives Leah crazy the way he makes fun of other religions... to be honest her getting crazy makes me like him all the more... sorry honey!), and he is truthful with the Gospel. I love the way he is always himself. That is inspiring for someone who struggles with how to properly communicate (I'm talking about me!!).

My favorite new album is by Darius Rucker! He just released a new country record. What I love most about Darius (besides the Burger King commercial he did) is the fact that the guy can sing anything! After Hootie and the Blowfish hung it up (again), he did a R&B/ Soul album. It sounded great! And now he has put together a great country album. I don't care what anyone says about country music; this album is great. It has some funny country tunes. There is a steel guitar in the background. I have always loved Darius' voice. This album has some beautiful tunes that really represent well the affections that I have in my heart for my future wife ("History in the Making"...killer song for me right now!) . There is also a song on the album called "I Hope They Get to Me In Time". The album is good for me right now... and I have no clue why!

When it comes down to it, I like my new job. I work for BluefishTV.com. We create vidio driven Bible studies and teaching clips. I love the fact that we are a non-profit company. What that means for me is this: there isn't anyone getting rich in the name of Jesus. We fly in the face of other Christian companies who are making a boatload of cash off of over priced crap! We have a sister organization called RightNOW.org. They connect people with missionary organizations (it's a cool thing!!). Here's the deal: money that Bluefish makes off of our videos is generated to help RightNOW! That is cool to me!! Here is what I love the most about Bluefish: We offer our video clips for $1.99! Other companies that create similar clips charge $15-$20 for 3 minute clips!!! Are you kidding me! The best part about my job (other than the fact that I get a paycheck!) is that Bluefish just posted a Blog entry about the reason why we are cheaper that ANYONE else. In my own words (not anyone else at the organization!!): We just stood up to "man" in the Christian Media world. STOP TRYING TO BLEED THE LOCAL CHURCH DRY!!! I will be honest, I hate the stupid crap that I see in Christian bookstores... I think I am going to make someone choke on one of those stupid Testimints!!!!! Here is the link to the blog http://bluefishtv.blogspot.com/2008/09/why-bluefish-tv-is-sticking-with-199.html#idc-container; check out the comments of church leaders. There are some comments from people in the industry that hate the fact that we can offer these clips at this price. It is interesting. I am just happy to be working for an organization that is willing to shake things up! I like it when people get uncomfortable!!

I always enjoy people who are authentic. Authenticity is the same as truth is my opinion. I strive to be authentic in the way I live my live and in my words. I always enjoy the words of my good friend Steve Hayes. Steve and I have a funny relationship. We have shared some good times, and most of those times have everything to do with what Jesus has done in our lives. I love the latest post on his blog. Truth hurts. http://cajunroastbeef.blogspot.com/2008/09/statistically-speaking.html If you don't know Steve... you should! Steve is a senior pastor. There will always be room in the church for pastors who are willing to talk about the truth in their own lives, even if it means that people know they are screwed up. I love Steve's honesty. I also love it when Steve gives me money!!!!

Search For Home

2008-07-08T09:54:00.003-05:00

I have always loved this piece of art. It is by a guy named Chris Koelle. Every time I look at it I feel a depth inside me that I am not sure what to do with. It's as if I am standing by the Grand Canyon, looking down into vast space. When I look at the twilight of this drawing I see a journey. You know those journeys people take to find something they don't have? Those journeys people step out on to follow a calling that they feel has been placed on their lives? Those journeys that have inspired books to be written, and those books inspire people to make a movie. That is the journey that I see when I look at the caverns and trees of this drawing. In the foreground you can see a tiny beaten path that has been forged by people taking such a journey.

Have you ever felt that? Have you ever felt the weight of a journey like that? You stand in comforts of the life you have been leading, but something doesn't feel complete... there is something more... something you are being called to. I have... I do. I think there is a search that is constantly brewing inside all of us. A search for some sort of silver lining in the situation we are in... if we find that silver lining, we want to know where that silver is coming from. We want to know where the light that illuminates that silver is. Because we want to be there! We want to be where the light is easy to see. We want to feel the warmth of the shining sun. We look at the damp darkness that life can often times surround us with, and our souls cry out of more than this. It screams, "I was meant for more than darkness and the dust that cages me here!" We catch a glimpse of that silver lining in our circumstances and we want more! So we set out toward the illuminated horizon which our being feels called to. We back up our things. We say our goodbyes. We try our best to answer the questions that people ask when they don't understand. We take deep breaths as we stand by the road. We look both ways before we put our feet on that road. Because we know that once we feel the texture beneath our feet we will never be the same. Not knowing where the road is leading... in faith we put one foot in front of the other.

We keep looking toward the horizons at that light. We travel for days. We take our shoes off as we walk because it feels like holy ground that we are on. We give ourselves totally over to the calling to travel that we feel. We climb a hill called "fear" thinking that beyond this hill is the light. Because, surely the steep and tall hill of "fear" is high enough to see the light from. We get to the top of "fear" hill to find that the light is still so far away. And just as this drawing shows, there are more dark valleys that must be crossed before the land of light can be reached. In that moment there is so much despair that over takes you. You sit and weep about the new distance that you must journey through. Hope is hard to find. Darkness seems to surround you again, so you sit down and try to force yourself to embrace this new truth that has been forced on you.

Out of the corner of your eye you see a small flicker of dim light. You look around trying to capture it again, but it has moved. You are so frantic for any source of light that can give you some hope. Then you see it again. It moved closer... then further along the road. You get up to get a closer look. It's a firefly. It's awe inspiring. It's small, but it's full of symbolism. So you keep walking.

I've been listening to a guy named Thad Cockrell. He has a song called "A Country of My Own". It has been speaking to my heart of some time now. I am realizing that I am looking for something of my own! I am looking for a sense of home. A country that seems to fit who I am. A place that still causes me to be stretched, but also a place to grow. Every time I think I have found it (or that I have been called to it), it isn't what it appeared. Something doesn't work out. There is nothing for me there. My heart feels dryer there than any place that I have been before. People don't understand why I am there. There are so many reasons, like these, that have seemed to be the common thread as I have been trying to find this "Country of My Own". This "home" or "country" isn't necessarily a physical place. I have found many new places with the Lord, as I have stood still! However, I am still standing just past a leap of faith with my direction darken. I have a calling from the Lord... but it's hard to find much more than that right now! It's like jogging in place to get your legs warm for long run... but an hour later you haven't ran an inch, but your legs sure are tired from an hours worth of running. You want to see how far you can run. You want to see how well you can run the distance that is laid before you. But someone or something stands in your way telling you to wait. Telling you that it isn't your time yet. Telling you to keep preparing for your turn. But your legs get more and more tired.

"What now?", is all that I can seem to say to the Lord right now. What does He want me to do?

It Happened

2008-07-03T12:07:00.002-05:00

On July 1st, I asked Leah to marry me. I taught for the last time at The HUB (the college group at Irving Bible Church). After teaching, I was giving them my farewell address, and I asked Leah to come up to the front with me. I showed a photo slide show of some pictures of us. I had Craig (he leads worship for the group) play "On a Night Like This" by Dave Barnes. The last slide said: "Leah, will you marry me?" She turned back to me after watching the screen as I hit a knee. I told her how my love for her had grown over the last year and how I didn't want to start a new phase of my life without her. I then asked her to marry me. She cried, and then said YES! The college group had gotten us a cake, so we celebrated. I am amazed at how the Lord can take a guy like me to a place where a girl like Leah wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I am blown away. I was speechless of about 5 minutes. "Holy is the Lord, God Almighty!"

10 Days of Honduras

2008-06-30T09:20:00.003-05:00

Here is my trip to Honduras as promised:

I was a part of a team of about 40 believers from the United States that descended upon Honduras to help finish a very long bridge and put roofs and floors on about 15 houses. There where 3 church groups that went. There where 2 of us from Texas and another from Florida. If you know me at all you are probably waiting for me to talk about how hard it was to find community in such circumstances. You are probably waiting for me to give out a laundry list of the reasons and ways this trip could have been better if they had just let me lead. Sorry to disappoint you but that isn't what I am going to say. We had a great group of people, and there where great men that led us while we where there.

Because there where some problems problems getting the cable for the bridge out of customs, our first day was spent roofing and flooring. These Honduran people live in poverty. They bath and go to the bathroom in the same place! There houses are made out of mud bricks! In total for the week, we put steel sheet roofs on 8 of these houses, and we put 6 cement floors over the dirt that these people called a floor. How blessed are we that we have carpet and hard wood floors? These people had next to nothing, and they seemed to be so happy. How is that? They where so grateful for the work we where doing for them. They never tried to make excuses of why they didn't need our help. They thanked us. They cried. They gave us hugs. They accepted grace. As I have been back in the States, I have noticed a difference. The need for grace makes people ashamed here.

I also helped with the construction of the bridge. I use the work help loosely. I cut some cable and made a lot of jokes. I met a family from Florida named the Caldwell's. I got the chance to watch this family serve together. It was amazing. While i was cutting the cables for the bridge Mike Caldwell told me something about myself that I didn't think was true. After working for hours he walked up to me and said: "If I was starting a business, I would hire you on the spot! I can ask you to do something, and you'll do it. And if you don't know how, you'll ask for help." I am a stubborn guy. I am proud, and I hate not knowing how to do something... this guy just told me I was teachable. It's been a long time since someone described me as teachable or flexible.

We also did VBS. W all chose a certain color of shirt at he beginning of the week. Each color had a certain day of VBS. You worked construction in the morning, than after lunch your color did VBS. There where hundreds of kids everyday. My day at VBS was the hardest for me. I want to be a daddy so bad. And I feel like I need to communicate in order to breath properly. So, I was surrounded by kids that I couldn't talk to. It was a hard afternoon. I go so frustrated. I was a wreck the rest of the day. That night I took a walk. I prayed. I heard the Lord saying to me: "You keep expecting to be able to live your life on your own strength! You expected to come out here and do this trip on your own! How insane are you? You don't speak the language, but you assumed you could communicate! You need me! I want you to need me!" It is sobering when you hear the Lord speak to you no matter where you go.

I met a lot of people that I don't want to forget. I met a pastor named Rob. We laughed and talked theology together. We where totally open and honest. It was beautiful. I met an intern named BJ that seemed to connect with me. I see a younger version of myself in him (in a weird way!), and I'm not sure if that is good or bad for him! He's a good guy that truly wants to spread the name of Jesus! I met a recovering drug addict that is desperately seeking the Lord. He has a great heart. I watched him cry some heavy tears as we where leaving. What a picture of grace! I mentioned the Caldwell family. They spoke to my heart. They are not perfect, but they love each other! They serve together. They spoke to my heart. They give me hope! I met and couple named Noel and Emily. They made me laugh. I love their marriage. It is inspiring! A member of my team was Preston. I already knew him, but I will never look at him the same way! He served and cared so much for the Honduran people. He was affected as soon as we got there! He is as genuine as they come.

I also saw Leah in a new way on this trip. She was one of the translators for the trip. She was pushed and pulled in so many different directions, but she never got frustrated. She never told anyone no. She never stopped serving. That is beautiful! Her heart seemed to get bigger and bigger the longer she was there. Just when I thought she couldn't get more amazing, we take this trip! I am blown away!

There is still so much to say about this trip, but I don't have the room! Please, call me or email me. Let me talk your ear off over a cup of coffee or a frosty beverage! The Lord is faithful and good!

Honduras

2008-06-25T10:19:00.002-05:00

I just got back into the country from Honduras. I was over there for 10 days. I am very tired, and cranky (imagine that!). I promise I will write a nice long post about what the Lord did on this trip, because He did a lot! He did more than I will ever know. It was a great trip, with a lot of amazing people.

However, we where on the plane flying over the world, not even back on American soil and "regular life" came beckoning. It's back to bills, jobs, and money issues to talk about! That makes me sad, but it's life! Now comes the hard part for me; not forgetting what the Lord has shown me through this trip. The Lord is good, and I am truly amazed at how He works in all of the smallest details of our existence!

A more detailed post is in the works... just give me some time to get reacquainted with air conditioning!

Another Year Inside My Head

2008-04-15T12:54:00.003-05:00

Before I actually write this post, I need to admit that this post will go against the last post I wrote! The following lines will be filled with thoughts about my life during the past year. I will proceed to help you understand me, and I might even try to persuade you to believe that there is hope for me yet! Now, I know that people like Steve Hayes will leave me comments calling me out on my hypocrisy... but Steve is a jerk (that I love)! With that said...

Today is my 26th birthday! There has been so much that has happened to me this year that I almost don't know where to begin. So, in no particular order:

: This year has brought me a great relationship with a girl that I don't deserve! May 20th will be a year for us! She has truly been a blessing! We have seen some very hard nights, but there have been so many great days for us this year! We have watched some great baseball games at the ball park! We had our first kiss, our first argument, and moments of total acceptance than neither one of us ever thought we would find in another person!

:I went the farthest North that I have ever been this year! I went to Idaho with Leah for Thanksgiving. It was breath taking to be in the valley of McCall surrounded by mountains and snow. I had a week of meeting new people, trying to relate to them, and then figuring out that I get in the way of people ever truly knowing me! We also spent time in Boise (there are lots of bars there! It was great!). Idaho was filled with: snow, mountains, great people, good beer, and revelations! It don't get much better than that!

:This year has seen me walk into the doors of Celebrate Recovery at Irving Bible Church! Over the past six to seven months I have spent more time with alcoholics, drug addicts, and guys like me that struggle with sexual addictions! And, I must say that i have found a level of honesty and raw emotion in other people that I have always craved! This time has uncovered a lot of scars that I never really wanted to deal with and some that I never knew where there. It is the hardest thing I ever done. I have never truly tried to look at my life from any other perspective than as a unworthy S.O.B. I have come to understand so much more about the Lord than I ever have. I've always know that the loves me, but I never believed that people could. I always thought: "If you really knew me, you wouldn't like me... or even be able to stomach me!" Because I have had some important people walk out on me in this life, I have spent most of my life trying to survive and protect myself from being hurt again! I adopted the mentality: "Hurt them before they hurt you. Make them leave before they decide to walk out!" This thinking has caused me to become a bitter and cynical guy that holds everyone at arms length. It has made me a tired and angry person. However, this year has seen the Lord crowd me and make me feel uncomfortable with the knowledge of His love and mercy. He has crowded me so much that I have cried on His shoulder and talked about the deepest, darkest, and dirtiest parts of my life and heart with another man. The Lord has helped me step out of the darkness and into His light! While I am still having a hard time believing it, I am starting to understand: "People love and care about me!"

:There have been many post on this blog where I have spoken about my longings to be anywhere other than here! I was walking in the cool air last night before I went to bed, and I realized that I have found contentment in my life! Where did that come? The Lord is better than I know!

That's a good year in my life! I hope my friends and family can say the same on their birthdays as they look back.

What Do I Say Now?

2008-04-02T17:12:00.002-05:00

I have been pondering what to do about this blog. The reason I started it was to get out a lot of frustrations in my life and to feel like there was someone listening to me. Over the past 5 months I haven't needed that... or at least not from this blog. So this blog is no longer for such things. It's time for me to spend my time on more important things than me! I heard a preacher say that this life doesn't terminate on us, so don't try to make it about you. There is more to this life that what I think, so I'm going to stop acting like my opinion is the most important one!

I just got finished reading the last couple of posts that I wrote for this stupid blog. I have two observations:

1. I can't spell to save my life! Not even spell check has an answer for me!

2. I sure do piss and moan a lot!

I will start using a dictionary before I press "publish", and I will get all of my crying out before I start typing!

Into the Wild

2007-11-17T13:17:00.000-06:00

Okay, if you haven't watched this movie, you must! It is an amazing thought provoking film. I am posting a link to a article written about the film (a better article that I would have wrote). After watching this film I was blow away. My mind was racing around the implications of some of the most poignant lines I have heard in a movie in a long time.

This is a great article that describes the movie:

http://www.rabbitroom.com/?p=171#more-171

Wedding, Birth, and Death

2007-10-28T22:04:00.000-05:00

There is almost no better feeling than watching people you love get married. I had the privilege of attending a beautiful wedding ceremony of one my dear friends on Saturday. It was great to watch him stumble through the wedding vows he hand wrote for his wife. He cried as he listened to he recite her vows to love and support him throughout the upcoming years of their lives. It was amazing to see two people at the height of happiness and joy....

One of my employees just left on maternity leave. His wife is gave birth today to their first child. As I write this they are holding their son... and love is flowing in that hospital room. A new life has started...

But, on Thursday night my store got word that one of my employees had taken his own life. He was 24. I had worked with this guy for close to two years. He was funny and caring. He could make you laugh without effort. He was so unassuming in the ways he worked his way into my heart. He and I did not have have a close relationship outside of work... but that doesn't stop me from feeling a deep sadness. I have spent the last three days watching all of my employees crumble and break about this loss. Every time I watch them break down, I am forced to relive this tragic end to a life. As a believer in Jesus Christ, I find comfort in my eternal destination. But, I cannot find the same comfort for this guy. He was not a believer in Jesus... and that is weighing heavy on my heart. He carried the heavy burden of his short comings and faults. He never felt like he lived up to the expectation of his parents. He lost all hope in this life. He felt only loneliness in his last moments. He could no longer handle the thought of disappointing the people around him, so he took his life into his own hands... And he left the rest of us here to try to make sense of things. He left his parents with the thought that they didn't love their son enough, and pushed him too hard. And, I must say that is crap. No parent should have to deal with that! He was wrong, because his parents would do anything to have their son back! They would do anything to let him know how much they love him... but they will never get that chance. He took that away from them. What a waist of a beautiful life.

Now, I am forced to look around at the people in my life. Who doesn't know how much I love them? Who is in a dark place? Who is drowning in the lies the enemy? Who around me doesn't know my Jesus? Who hasn't felt the love and grace of the Saviour? Who is still trying to carry the load of all their wrongs? Who in my life is loosing hope? God save us!

So this week has shown me the full spectrum of life. A child has been born and has started his journey in this life. Two people have joined theirs lives into one. And, a young man lost hope and ended his life alone. This is where my life is being lived. It is dirty when you try to live your life with people who need Jesus. Jesus paid all of our debt in full when he lived on this earth then died on that cross. He died so we could live in freedom from sin and death... but sin and death continues to chase after us. Why wont we just trust in Christ and be set free? This has been one of the most gut wrenching weeks of my life... but their are people living their lives in peace and joy, while other live in devastation and heart break. God save us

People Wreck People!

2007-09-30T22:29:00.000-05:00

Wake up...live at a pace of 1,000,000 miles an hour...go to bed...wake up and do it all over again... for the rest of your life! Oh, and try to find the time to maintain the relationships in your life ( family, friends, co-workers, room mates, the mailman, and if you are lucky that person of your dreams!). I make these statements with very limited vision. I am 25 years old, so what insight could I possibly offer anyone who has lived a day more than me? As I have taken a survey of the people that are running in and out of my life over the past couple of weeks... I have something to say that might be worth a listen (what a bold claim for a self-center guy like me, but here goes none the less).

There is a prominent Christian singer that has walked down an unfaithful road in his life. This guy sings with conviction of the awe and wonder of our faithful Creator. He tours the country and leads thousands of people in worship for the Lord our God. He has a beautiful young family, and "success." However one day he found himself to be an unfaithful husband to his wife. He cheated on his wife, the mother of his only son. I have something to say to this guy: The Lord's grace has given you right standing before the throne of the Father...but you have broken the heart of one of His daughters! Only the Lord can piece her fractured heart heart back together, but He has given you the command to surrender your life to give the rest of your life in sacrifice to your bride. I have never been on this guys side more than I am right now. I want to see this guy redeemed as a father and husband, because I want to see the Lord move with all his glory. I want to see Him move because I need hope. I need hope that tells me that not even our unfaithfulness can stop the glorious grace of our Saviour Jesus. I need hope for myself.

I have a friend that is fighting for his kids. He is fighting through the unfaithfulness of his wife. He is fighting through loneliness and hurt. He is fighting through the lies of the great deceiver that tells him he is not fit to father his own kids. He is fighting through this fog of pain and hardship... he is fighting for the future of his kids. He is fighting for the light in their eyes at the end of a long hard day. He is fighting for them, because the Lord has but these kids in his life. I have something to say to this guy: Keep fighting. Fight when there is light on the good sunny days. Fight in the thickness of a dark night. Fall to your knees at the foot of your kids bed and plead with to the only Father that has never failed His children. Plead with Him for the light of His Spirit. Cry out to Him for the strength to keep moving toward toward His will for the lives of those babies. Ask Him for the wisdom that moves boys to become men. And then get out of His way, and let Him take the lead. Follow Him.

I know a girl that left her husband and kids because she was unhappy. She chased the dreams of her youth, instead of being a mother to her kids. When she couldn't find anything of value in the world, she wanted her kids back... so she took them from their father. The father that never stops giving his kids everything he had...no matter how unsatisfied he was with his life. Her kids have become leverage instead of her babies. I have something to say to her: The Lord knew all your sins... and He died on a cross to save you from yourself. He knew all the wrongs you would commit, and He still loves you. But, children are not leverage. They are not the bargaining tools that get you the things you want. There are thousands of people that plead with the Lord to have the chance at having children... and you see your babies as a burden. I pray the Lord doesn't give you over to the desires of a sinful heart. I hope He begins to break and mold your heart to repentance. I hope you cry out of His forgiveness. I hope He restores your heart to love those kids like they are the best thing that has ever happened to you. I cannot condemn you, because my list of faults and sins are many. I hope for redemption for you, because I need it just as much as you.

There is a girl that has stolen my heart, and she has felt the sing of my sins. She has shown me love and trust. And, I have betrayed both. While she has given me forgiveness... her heart has been cracked. As I write this, she is alone in a room struggling with her own personal issues. She has places in her life that just aren't adding up. There is a war raging in her mind of what is right and wrong. There are lies that she has believed her entire life that she doesn't want to believe anymore...but it's not easy to untangle herself from the grasp of deception. I have something to say to this girl: You cannot fix yourself... no one can fix themselves. The weight of repairing yourself is not your burden to carry. You are strong and beautiful. Lay it all at His feet, then walk where He shines His light. Don't let me or your history stand in the way of finding the wholeness that your Father promised you. You are good, but it is okay to be a little messed up! The Lord love the chance to show you just how much He loves you...so let Him.

Then there is me... and I have plenty to say to myself: You are an idiot! You know the right path, but you walk the other way. You lie, cheat, and steal... you are an idiot! But, you are lovable. The Lord loves you! He loves you right now...not some future version of you. He love the messed idiot you are right now (thank you Matt Chandler). You are not Superman, you aren't even Batman... hell, you aren't even Mighty Mouse. So stop acting like you are. Be honest... you need the Lord more than you want to say, or more than you even know. He will sustain you. Just fall at His feet and let Him break every part of you that keeps you from His goodness. Smile every once in a while; there is joy to be found in the Lord!

God, help us all! Your cross is more than a tree. We are a busted people. Take all our junk and redeem us! Redeem us! We need you! I need you!

Transparency

2007-09-08T18:36:00.000-05:00

The cost of transparency is enormous. It could end up costing you everything. It can cut you to the core of your existence. It will bring you to your knees, but hopefully you find yourself at the feet of the one who created you... and there you find the love that paid for what your best efforts could never buy.

There is no worst feeling than the one you feel when all of your junk goes public. The dark secrets you don't want anyone to know... or the secrets you try and keep from the ones who you know will be hurt the worst. There is a deep gasp that your stomach feels as your sins are laid bare in front of the people you have toiled to look like Superman in front of. There is nakedness that you suddenly feel... there is nothing to hide behind, no more lies to tell, no way to"spin" things so you don't look as bad... everything is on the table. There is no where to go, so you look into the eyes of the people you have hurt.

You run the risk of loosing close friends and those you love when your junk is laid bare at their feet. The way they look at you is changed... maybe it gets a lot clearer, because now they see more of you than you ever let them. What are they going to do with all this new information about you. What are they going to think about the "you" that you are when no one else is around? Are they going to walk away and condemn you... to be honest, you deserve it; you lied, cheated, stole, and hurt...

Here's the thing, I have spent so much time and energy try to hide myself from those who care about me. I have tried to hide the worst parts of who I am, because sin causes shame and guilt. So, instead of dealing with the sin, I would rather spend years in the agonising guilt and shame of my repeated sin. Even as a believer, who knows the saving power of Jesus, I have spent years trying to hide the dark places of my soul. The author of Hebrews tells us that there is nothing unseen by the Lord... there goes that sinking feeling the pit of my stomach again. He knows every ounce of me and my sins, so why hide?

In the most direct way I know how to say this to any of those who read this: Get help! Don't try and fix yourself in the dark of the night. Only the Lord can change your heart. You worst sin is not to big for Him, and there is no sin worth holding on to. Alcohol, drugs, pornography, lust, lies, hurt... there is no sin worth repeating, and no sin that the Lord can't help you get away from. He will walk with you as you walk way from the dark places of your soul. It's a hard painful road to even get to the point of admitting that there is a sin...but the road to the cross held the pain and sorrow of all men, where would we be if Jesus hadn't taken the hard steps? So there might be people that walk out of your life when you come clean in front of them... it will hurt like hell. But Jesus knows that pain, and I promise that freedom is better than bondage.

Oh, Mat Kearney, You Have Taken My Heart!

2007-09-08T17:49:00.000-05:00

Okay, after about two years of absolutely devouring everything that Mat Kearney has every done... I was finally able to see him in concert last night. He has come to town multiple times, but I have never been able to go to the show...there was a little piece of me that died every time I missed the chance to see him (joking... not really... maybe a little!). Well, Leah bought us tickets to the show...she is amazing!!!

There is so much that I can say about the whole night, but I will keep in short because I don't want to cry. The show was greatness! I got to hear all of his stuff, including a couple of new songs. It was a great show for so many reasons: I had Leah in my arms while Mat sang old song that now have new meanings for me, the sound of the music was amazing and soulful, and I knew every word to every song...

But, there was a moment that totally caught me off guard. Mat started talking about his song "Won't Back Down". He said that he wrote it for Johnny Cash, and then started playing it on the piano. I listened to the familiar words and closed my eyes. As he came to the last part of the song, he sang

singing out the gentle sound
rattling through my smoking screens
my broken dreams last night

hallelujah ripped through my veins
i heard the hammer drop
my blood in the rain

hallelujah came like a train
when all is lost
all is left to gain
hallelujah

I raised my hand and tried to reach the Lord as I sang along: "When all is lost, all is left to gain, hallelujah". For a moment, in this extended time of weariness in my life, I felt a moment that felt authentic and true for the Lord. It only lasted seconds, but none the less, I felt my heart stretch out for the Lord...I've been sitting through tons of church services, meetings, and gatherings with a lack of call in my heart to worship... but at a Mat Kearney concert my heart jumped at a chance to let the Lord know that I still want to know Him. It has been a long time since that has happened for me... what a blessing.

The Great Restlessness of a Soul

2007-08-30T13:43:00.000-05:00

I walked through a busy store the other day, and I knew I wasn't alone. That might sound funny to some, but it is not that uncommon to stand in the midst of a crowd and still feel all alone... it happens to us more than we would like to admit. I watched as people walked past me in this store, and I noticed that I wasn't the only one in the store that was annoyed at the fact that there where other people around. In fact, there where many of us that where angry at the nerve of these other people that thought they could shop in the same place as us. "This is Wal-Mart for crying out loud! What gives anyone but me the right the be here?", I thought as I waited my turn to reach for something on the shelf... While I am writing this story in jest, it is pointing me to a truth about me right now... My heart is restless and it is making my angry!

It never fails that around this time of the year I have this urgent yearning to run away. I just want to get the "heck" out of here. I almost don't care where I go, just get me away from this place. But, this time it's different. There is a groaning that has been consistently escaping from my soul. A groaning that there is something terribly wrong with me... I'm out of rhythm with my Creator. I'm not walking in the ways he created me to walk. Caedmon's Call has a great new album "Overdressed", and there is an amazing song called "Hold the Light". There is a line that says, "It's been a long year, like a sleepless night. Jacob wrestled the angel, but I'm too tired to fight..." I feel those words more than I want to. The song is referencing the Old Testament story where Jacob wrestled with the angel of the Lord, and walked away with a limp to remind him of the struggle. I don't have a physical limp for the crap that is going on inside me. I'm tired of feeling the need to post thoughts like this for all of you to see. I'm tired of feeling like every step taken is off the path the Lord has laid for me. I am restless, and I want to get away from this season of my life... even though I know the Lord is using this to sanctify me... and I'm getting too tired to fight Him... and maybe that's for the best...

"Lord break me down, and strip away all the garbage in my filthy heart! I'm tired of these dirty heartaches that I have been wearing like royal clothing... they are robbing me of You! I don't want to fight you anymore! I just want some peace about who You are and what you are doing in and for me! I just want you to hold me and let me know that I haven't gone too far away from you! I want to believe in your forgiveness again, but it's hard to see from the garbage I'm swimming in! Help me to find a place to slow down and be still... God save me from myself, even though you already have!"

Oh Great Mystery!

2007-08-22T11:41:00.000-05:00

What happens to a born-again Christian when their world grows dark? When their world seems distant from the richness of God? Where does a believer turn when their soul has seemed to dry up? What is this soul to do with Jesus' words, "I am living water" when only dust is kicked up by their steps? What happened to me... when did this happen?

If I could be totally honest with anyone who is reading this, I would be forced to say that it has been a long time since I have felt the rushing waters of Jesus wash over me. My days have been marked by an overwhelming dryness. It seems that I woke up one day to find that I am a cynical, dry, unloving bastard! (If you are someone who has personally walked through this life with me for any length of time, and are having thoughts that I am being to hard on myself...keep those thought to yourself, and keep reading! This is not the classic Chad that has a low view of himself... this is a humbled Chad that is finding out just how little he understands!...keep reading.) While I know this did not happen over night, it seems that I have always been this way... but I know that can't be true... but I can't remember that last time I looked out on this landscape of my Christ restored life and did not have something cynical to say about: the church, pastors, the music on Christian radio or in church service, "so-called" Christians, or myself. It is overwhelming for my to think that I might actually be nothing more than a sore than a helping hand. What if I have become more of hindrance to the Gospel than an agent of it? Where did I turn the wrong way? My God, when was the last time I took a step that was in sync with yours?

I know this is a lot coming from a guy like me. I know this is a lot of junk to throw into one post on this stupid blog... but I feel like I have no choice.

I do not want to sound arrogant, because this is going to come out all wrong...but it is the best way I can say it right now. I don't have a problem seeing the big picture that God is painting... for the most part. When I look at the situations and events in my life, I can usually see the bigger things at work behind what is physically happening. I have no problem seeing that the Lord is teaching me this or that when things get "hard". I, for the most part, do a "good job" of keeping a level head about what happens in the day-to-day. Even when things start to feel like they are crushing me... I find a way to see the larger things that the Lord is doing. For those of you who have been with me for the past 2 to 3 years have seen me stumble through divorce and heartache. While there where major points of discontentment and hurt, I could always see that the Lord was using the situation to bring me to a closer dependence on Him. He was trying to draw her back to Him. He was purifying me through fire to get me to a point where I would be better used by Him. This was the lens in which I walked through my divorce. While there was pain and questions during long nights, I never truly questioned who God was or His love for me. I only say all of that to say this: I can see the Lord moving in and around me... but it rarely moves me to a stirring passion of action and worship! How does that happen? How does a believer see the hand of God with a moderate clarity and it not affect Him that same way it moved David or Paul? When did I loose a passion for the workings of the Lord?

I have a problem sitting through a church service. While I am surrounded by believers raising their hands and singing praise to the same Lord that I love... all I can do is wonder if it is real. In my head I question their actions. I don't think that I am better or more authentic... I just question them. Are they just being emotional? Are they just wanting to look good? Let me stop and simply say this: I question them because I am not moved to such actions... and maybe it is starting to eat at me that they seemingly feel something about my God that I don't. There is a void in me that seemingly should not be there. So here is the nuts and bolts of my situation right now:

I have no passion for the Lord! I love Him, and I know that He is my salvation. But, I have a dry soul. The scriptures speak of a mystery found in the life and working of the Lord... but I find no mystery in what I see day-to-day. Don't get me wrong I still look at a sunset and wonder how He does it. I have a contentment about the Lord that most people seek after (I'm not boasting, just try to sort this crap out!!). My problem is my contentment that tells me the Lord is good and loves me enough to know me before I was even borne, it is keeping from a passion that wets my appetite to see Him move. It is keeping me from finding a mystery in Him that breaks me. I'm not looking for an emotional moment, just a moment that knocks me on my ass! I want to see something that has nothing to do with me but is altogether larger than anything that i could ever do. But I fear that I am not going to find it here. The mystery of God has escaped me, or maybe I have such a high view of myself that I have blinded myself from it. Maybe I think I have everything figured out that I have no need to be in awe of how great the Lord is... I hope that is not it. I hope I am humble enough to know that I am a fractured awful excuse for a son of the risen Lord. I hope my heart isn't hardened to the point that I feel I am equal with the Lord. I just want to find the place where I can marvel at the Lord. That place where He is beautiful in His small and big ways! Because I see Him moving... it just returns void on me right now. I want to be mystified at His dealing with this world. I want a passion that moves me to action!

So, with ALL of that said, this is my journey right now: The mystery of the Lord and a passion for him.

Help My Unbelif

2007-07-31T15:07:00.000-05:00

Out of no where it started to rain today. It was a typical hot, muggy, summer day. You could hear some faint thunder in the distance; then you saw the rain start to hit the pavement. As usual, the windows of my truck where rolled down; so I grabbed my keys and ran outside to roll them up. After getting the windows up, I started to make a dash out of the rain. I stopped running and started walking... then I just stopped. I stood there on the sidewalk of my apartment with my head down, letting the rain slowly soak my head and shoulders. The rain came down harder, and I lifted my face up to the sky... I couldn't help but to be overwhelmed at the moment.

Last night, Leah and I had an amazing night. As the sky went from sunset to dusk we took a walk in the park close to her house. The temperature dropped about ten degrees as we walked under the trees... then out of no where I saw a small flash of light that I hadn't seen since I was a kid visiting my grandparents in Arkansas. We stopped and watched as fireflies danced under the trees. It was amazing. It was the first time Leah saw them, and probably the first bug that she hadn't wanted to run away from. It was amazing to watch these creatures light up the night (in a very small way, of course).

Who is this God that loves us? Who is this God that loves us in a mighty way that sends His son to die a death that I could never die? Who is this God that loves us in the smallest of ways to send a rain storm to remind us that His mercies fall upon us like rain from the sky? Who is this God that allows us to see His creation light up the night? How complete is His majesty that He allows us to call Him "Father"? How gracious is our Father that He makes Himself known to such a broken vessel as me?

I was overwhelmed today because I repeatedly forget that the Lord loves me. I forget because I am selfish and self-centered. I forget because I get caught up in trying to ensure I get things my way. I forget His love until I am reminded of my brokenness. I struggle and fight for the things of this world until I am exhausted, and my exhaustion shows me that my toil hasn't even added a single extra moment to my life... it has added a single extra moment of joy or satisfaction to my days.

Mark 9:24 "Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!"

Oh Lord, I believe in your power and grace... my help my unbelief when I take my eyes off of you!... God help my unbelief!!!

Your Good and Your Brave

2007-07-28T11:40:00.000-05:00

There is something in all of us that makes us seek acceptance and validation. It is different for all of us, but it is the same longing. For some, this longing is getting that raise or promotion at work. While others look to achievement and trophies. For me, I look at my parents. I had a conversation with some new friends last night. We had dinner to get better acquainted. They asked me about my childhood and the road that has lead me to the place I am today. I took pride and joy in telling them about my brothers and how my mother raised us alone. I was amazed at how much I loved my momma' as I watched them react as I told them how my mother works full time from her wheel chair. It blew their mind, how much strength my momma' show everyday of her life... It made me understand how much I want to hear my her tell me that she is proud of me. I want so desperately to hear her tell me that I am good and brave. I want to hear my step-dad tell me that he approves of me as a man, and that he is proud of me.

When it comes down to it, we all seek this acceptance from the Lord. We want to hear Him tell me that I am good in the same way He looked over creation and called it good. While I know that my human condition is flawed and cracked, I know that He has put His perfect spirit and power with in me when I accepted His son.

He Is All Around

2007-07-21T21:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes we seek the face of our Lord... but we never take the time to see Him all around us. He is in the air we breath, the ground we spit on, the depth of our darkest hours, and at the peak of our greatest joy! And still, we have the gal to act as if He has hidden himself from us?! Scriptures tell us that there is no place He cannot see, and yet we try to run from Him all in the name of "searching" for Him. We want to take trips across the world to see Him move and work, but we squeeze our eyes shut as He weaves His way through the workings of our everyday. When times seem hard, we cry out for mercy with the breath that He mercifully died to give us. Money gets tight in our suburban lifestyle and start to wonder if He has forgotten us... all the while an African mother holds her aids ridden children as they take their last breath, and she thanks the Lord for the life He has given...

Everyone needs a break from their lives sometimes. We feel heavy, even though He offers a light yoke. Take a hike and see Him work in the rising of the sun. Walk down a dirt path and see Him grow trees hundreds of feet high. Cross a bridge and marvel as He rushes water over a riverbed. Get in your car and drive to the "poor" parts of the city... do that and see Him all around you... then praise Him. Praise Him for the best parts of your life. Praise Him for your kids that you love. Praise Him for your job that you hate. Praise Him for the past that has left you bruised and slightly broken. Then praise Him for the mercies He pours out to us every morning... see Him all around you and then start living like His death actually means something to you.

Bright Days Can Be In Sufficient

2007-06-30T19:09:00.000-05:00

Inadequate- not adequate: IN SUFFICIENT

This is the way Webster defines "inadequate". When they put it like that, it doesn't sound so bad... in fact, it sounds inconsequential (illogical: IRRELEVANT: of no significance: UNIMPORTANT). Looking at these definitions that attempt to define what I am feeling, they make this feeling of inadequacy seem small. Small, as if one could simply crush it beneath their shoe as they walk through life. If that is true, if inadequacy is irrelevant and unimportant; or something that is easily brushed to the side... then why can't I shake it, in even my strongest of moments?

At age 18 I put my faith in a God that I was told knew everything about my past, present, and future... and I was told that He still loved me enough to give up His life to save mine. I felt the acceptance that only His love can provide to a soul that had always felt inadequate. By the time I was 18 I had totally bought into the lies that told me I would never be good enough... smart enough... hansom enough... I swam to the deepest parts of these lies and waded there until I got too tired to keep my head above those dark waters... I sunk to the dark bottom of the lies that keep kids from seeing the love of their parents or the brightness of the minds the Lord has given them or the goodness the Lord places in their hearts. I lived with the knowledge that I would never stack up against the other kids. I knew I would never have the dashing good looks of the guys that always got the girl. Then somehow, a light pierced through the murky waters of this worlds lies. The Lord lifted me out of the muddy waters and washed me with His truth and love until I was clean...

I am now 25 with hair that is quickly greying and a back that aches and bows like a 50 year old! I have lived some life that has been great and fulfilling and I have days in my past that have caused pain and sleepless nights that sometimes still feel like they haven't ended. I have seen the Lord pursue me like a lover even when it felt like the entire world had walked away. He has restored a heart that had been broken into thousands of pieces. And even today, He has given me a summer of new beginnings in a pair of green eyes that look at me with mystery and affection. I have felt acceptance in abundance... it has actually been tangible: it has touched my shoulder, wrapped it's arms around me, and spoken soft words to the rough places of my life. The Lord has given me the strength and courage to trust. He has given me the boldness to speak the words that He has laid on my heart...

So why, even in the face of all this, do I feel inadequate? Why is there still this place in me that feels less than what the scriptures tells me that I am? How can I still feel insignificant and in sufficient? Because I know the scriptures and how they tell me the power and transcendence of the Lord that calls me son. I know where it says I can move mountains... so why can't I move this mountainous feeling of inadequacy? How have I found my way back to these murky waters after being blinded by the perfect light of salvation and love?...

The word "I" has filled this page... and I think it also answers most of my questions. I am the reason I feel inadequate. There are those who want to give too much credit to the great deceiver of this world... but he cannot force me force me to do or feel anything. While he knows all the right ways to engage and cultivate these emotions... it is still me who acts on and trusts these feelings instead of living in the faith and promises of the Lord. I am not trying to be too hard on myself or not give enough respect to the pain and transgressions that has found its way into my past. This is a hard place for me to stand right now. Because, the Lord has allowed me to be in a peaceful and joyous time in my life, but I still allow insecurities to shape and shift my actions.

Lord, give me the strength to believe you, to run to you, to trust you... help me get your words to move from my head and into my heart... break me all over again if it gets me to the place where your words are louder than those of this dark and lonesome world!

Camping on the Side of a Mountain

2007-06-10T14:45:00.000-05:00

I spent last week at Falls Creek Church Camp in Oklahoma. I went with the Cowboy Church of Athens youth group. The youth pastor (Scot Bonner) of the church is good friend of mine, and he was also my youth pastor during my senior year of high school. Over the last seven years of my life this guy has spoken truth into my life during the good and bad times. He has also given me a friendship that has weather immature moments, jokes that have gone too far, and me not being able to properly back up even the smallest of trailers with a truck. So, when he asked me if I would go to camp with him as a sponsor to help him carry the teaching load and wrestle a group of 21 kids I couldn't say no.

During my senior year I attended Falls Creek as a student. I went to that camp as a lost kid that knew all the right answers, but never had an actual confrontation with Jesus. I left that camp as a son of the living God with the salvation of Jesus Christ poured into my heart. So, I was excited about the opportunity to go back to the physical place where Jesus reached down into my mess of a life and saved me.

From the moment that those kids started arriving at the church to head off for camp, I knew I had gotten myself into some trouble. I watched the group as they unloaded their bags from their parents cars, hug their parents good-bye, and then load their bags into the camp trailer. Some where nervous, while others looked like they didn't care about anything was about to happen at a stupid church camp. This was a group of individuals that had never cared about how their actions effected the group as a whole. All of the kids piled into the different vehicles. I drove a truck with four of the upper class boys... that wasn't the best idea Scot ever had.

The entire trip up to Oklahoma was filled with fart jokes, good music, us guys getting to know each other, and the boys taking off their shirts while dancing as we zoomed passed the car that had most of the girls in the group... like I said it wasn't the brightest of Scot's ideas. We had a great time driving slightly faster than the other cars in group, getting lost, the boys play fighting in the back.

We made it to the camp, and camp life immediately started. The dorm was filled with uncomfortable bunk beds, a faint smell of urine, and showers that trickled water instead of actually spraying water. But, from the beginning camp was good to the group. There where more laughter than tears (for the most part). It was like pulling teeth to get some of the guys go to sleep when the lights turned off, and it took literally pulling some of the guys out of bed in the morning.

Every morning I woke up earlier than the guys, and sat in silence as the sun made it's appearance from behind the mountain. The crisp morning air reminded me that the Lord moves in our lives and refreshes the tired soul of those who take the time to stay still long enough. As I would be preparing for the morning bible study, some of the guys would wake up and sit on the porch as they prepared themselves for a morning run. During those morning hours i was able to get to know the hearts of a couple of the guys. As I am thinking back to those morning conversations, I can recognize how men along the way had done the same thing for me in my life. It is a humbling experience when you recognize how the Lord is allowing you to be a part of the kingdom work He is accomplishing.

As the week progressed the kids became more of a group than individuals forced to stay in the same dorm. Scot and I watched as the older girls started spending more and more of their free time with the junior-high girls. You could see a spark in the eyes of the younger girls as they sat at the same dinner table as the older girls. There where those kids that always sat slightly at a distance from the group. I'm not sure if they couldn't trust the other kids because they had been hurt in the past, or if they just enjoyed the solitude...either way, I hope they know that the love of our Heavenly Father is bigger than any bully they might face and it runs deeper than any pain we feel in our lives.

By the end of the week there where three kids that gave their lives to the Lord, at least three that rededicated themselves to the Lord, and two of the girls surrendered to the ministry. There was over 200 kids in the entire camp the entered into the family of the Lord. It was a beautiful thing to watch. While I wrestled with my own set inner turmoil, the sight of all those kids giving their lives to a loving God was soothing. I hear the Lord whispering to me: "Chad, it's okay. Remember when you walked this aisle, and I promised never to leave you? I'm still here, even if you struggle with ways people come to me." Here is a truth about me: I am a jaded guy, that still has a hard time trusting Jesus with a childlike faith. And sitting at camp watching the Lord move and sweep across that mountain has done a number on my heart. There where mornings that I sat in the shadow that that mountain trying to find words to pray to my Lord... and none came. My thought where all over the map. My heart was pumping with a pain, because I had gotten to the place where I thought I knew what was best for the Lord. I thought I knew what style of music was best for the Lord. I thought my words would be the best for the Lord. Like a lot of people that get an ego, I forgot how the Lord knows so much more than me. He knows every strand of hair my head (or where ever else that hair is). I am thankful that the Lord is patient with us.

Driving away from camp was a good feeling. It was a good time, filled with the spirit of God and lots of fun. But, just like those students in the youth group, it was time for me to walk down from that mountain and back into the life the Lord has called me to live. The truth is, life is not meant to be lived on an emotional high. The Lord calls us to stay on a level surface when we walk with him. He doesn't want us to get to high on the emotions this world draws us to, and he doesn't want us to fall down to low when we feel burdened. He wants us to trust Him with the big and small things, while we continue to explore Him.

I love those kids for the Cowboy Church in Athens, Texas. They have taught me more more than I probably tried to teach them.

The Power of Know

2007-05-12T14:13:00.000-05:00

What does it mean to be known? In Genesis we read that Adam knew Eve... but that isn't even what I am talking about because...well... the major emphasis of the text is on sex (not entirely, but the majority). There is a worship song that says: "All of life comes down to just this one thing: To know you Lord Jesus, and to make you known..." While the song is absolutely true... I am not totally sure that is what I am asking either. I guess what I'm asking is: What does it mean to know someone?

What does it mean to get to know someone? If you believe 90% of the movies today, getting to know someone means finding out how to get into someones pants... and that isn't even close to what I am asking. How does one go about getting to know another person? I'm not sure how exactly to proceed through the rest of this...but I will try anyway.

I've been spending some time getting to know someone. It has been...well... it is hard to describe because it has been challenging. Have you ever wondered what someone is thinking? Well, that is the constant state that I am finding myself. I am constantly wondering what she is thinking. What is she thinking about the movie we just watched, what does she think about the stupid shirt I am wearing (is this shirt even clean?), what does she think about the stupid comment I just said (I can't believe what I just said!), what is she thinking about me. Does she think I'm worth knowing?

Another part of this is the person that I am presenting to her. Am I showing her who I really am? Am I being truthful when she asks me what I think? Every time she presents me with such a question, I face a choice. Will I tell her the truth, or will I tell her something I think she wants to hear... but there is a problem there, because... I don't know what she wants to hear, because I don't know her that well yet. So, I am forced (thankfully) to just tell her the truth, no matter how bad I think it might make me look. And, that is the game of getting to know someone. You constantly throw your junk on the table of vulnerability saying, "This is who I am, and the crap that goes on inside of me... Take it or leave it!" And you do this with the hopes that she wont run away screaming... or pull out her pepper spray and use it on me like a mexican burrito.

I must be honest, and say that I want to get to know more about her the more I get to know her. There is this growing desire to find out what she thinks about everything... I mean everything. I want to know what her favorite flower is. I want to know what she thinks about my facial hair. What does she think about the God-Head? Does she think about the mercy and justice of the Lord she professes a love for? Does she think I am funny or a nut job with a potty mouth? And it is scary...but in a good way.

I guess what I am saying is, it is scary to have a person that wants to get to know you. It is scary when a person wants to spend the time it takes to see if you are truly the person you are saying you are. It is scary because what happens if you aren't what they are looking for? What happens if rejection enters into the equation? That is scary...but I must honestly say that if getting to know this girl comes with the risk of rejection... I'll take my chances. I'll take those odds if it affords me the chance to truly see what a daughter of my Lord is like. I won't hide in fear of rejection when something like this is waiting for my honesty.

The beautiful thing is this: There is a God that knows me better than I know myself, and He never runs away from me. He never looks at all my junk and rejects me. He draws closer to me the more I honestly approach him. And the relationships that we enter into with other people is a reflection of being known by Him. When people draw closer together in relationships , friendships, families, or attraction, they are mirroring the passions that the Lord has for us. It's a beautiful, scary, and messy thing to be known... But it is worth every ounce of hardship, reange of emotions, and the ackward steps it takes. Breath deep and drink aboundantly of His love and mercy... And know that He knows the good that He placed in you... even if it has been covered up with dirt and filth.

The Quietness Of a Child

2007-04-19T12:42:00.000-05:00

I was taking a ride with a friend yesterday. He was trying to be positive about the day his family had endured... but to be honest, it wasn't working that well. He tried to make jokes or change the subject, but the conversation inevitable returned to the hard day he was having. It would go silent in the van (except the babbling of his youngest daughter in the back seat) as he watched the landscape zoom by through his window.

My buddy has four beautiful children (three boys and a girl). The moment you walk into his house you see their artwork framed and hanging on the walls. There are countless family pictures scattered throughout the house. There are more toys in this house than most day cares have. There is no doubt how much these kids mean to my friends. If there is one thing that you notice above all other things in the house are thousands of letters. Plastic multi-colored letters, magnetic letters, thin foamy letter, letters on the side of small building blocks...My friends have an autistic child who loves letters. The first time you met this youngster, you have no clue that he is any different than his siblings... or any other child for that matter. He sits among the thousands of letters and separates them into words or places them in alphabetical order. He keeps his head down and concentrates on the letters. He looks brilliant as he sifts through the different colored letters. You can see his mind working... he keeps looking until he finds the exact letter he was looking for. You would never know there was anything different about him at first glance... but you sit there and watch him work... five, ten, fifteen minutes go by and he never acknowledges your presents. He isn't placing the letters in order for your approval... it is as if he doesn't care that you are there. His actions do not hinge on your approval... he is in his own place.

As you watch him, your heart slowly starts to hurt. You call his name because you want to connect...he continues to spell word after word. You sit beside him on the floor and ask him what he is spelling... he doesn't respond to your words, but he is quick to push you out of the way if you have sat on the letter he needs to finish his latest word. You feel helpless as you watch... and this isn't even YOUR child. Your mind races to the parents.

Yesterday, my friends had a conference with their sons therapist. They where reminded how hard their son's life might be. It broke their hearts all over again. It was his birthday yesterday... parents shouldn't feel such a weight on their child's birthday. They watched him destroy the icing off of two cupcakes. I smiled as I watched him go to town; then I looked back at his mother. You could see the remains of a tear filled afternoon. It was a bittersweet moment for her. She tells her husband that she wants to be positive and faithful because the Lord has given her such a great gift in her children... but it isn't coming easy for her (what an amazing gal, she is). What do you say? What is there to say?

"My wife took one on the chin today!" my friend says as he breaks the silence. Everyday she takes care of these great kids. I watch these people be Godly parents. They speak love and affection to all of their kids... even if not all of them yet fully understand what love is. There is almost nothing more beautiful than the sight of a child sitting on their father lap. The Lord constantly shows us glimpses of Himself as our father.

Lamentations 3:22-24 "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."

This morning my friends had to wake up with their children and restarted the cycle again... just like they have done for years. Nothing had changed for the family when the sun came up today. Autism is still a part of their day...but so is the love of the Father. This morning the Lord poured out new mercy on the households of His children. For my friends, this means new strength to love their children no matter how hard it might be... even if they never receive such a love in return... "The Lord is my portion, therefore I will hope in him."

I Would Take a Bullet For You...

2007-04-17T12:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a horrible day for this nation. At Virginia Tech University a shooter killed 31 people on campus. He turned his gun on himself and left a campus and a nation in shock and sadness. As I write this, I am on my own campus states away... and it is business as usual. A few teachers have mentioned the event in a prayer, but not much else has been said. I am not speaking out against my college or the students who I sit among. This is a confession of a guy who says a lot of things, but does very little to put action to those words.

I was driving with a buddy of mine a couple of months back. We where driving down the George W. Bush Turnpike with the windows down. We had Mat Kearney playing over the wind coming through the windows. As we sang along to the song "Bullet", I actually started to listen to the words I was singing:

It doesn't matter if they call me wrong,
It doesn't matter if ya' steal my
song,
It doesn't matter if we're all alone,
It doesn't matter at all,
I
would take a bullet for you.
I would across any line or swim across the
sea.
I would loose it all or take my fall to show you it's for real.

It reminded me of Jesus and what His life was for us.

1 John 3:16"By this we know love, that He laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."

I sat for a moment in quiet reflection on the way I was living my life. I turned down the music and said one of the most honest sentences I ever said about myself:

"I would step in front of a bullet for someone, not because it is something Jesus would do, but because it is heroic and people would remember such an act... But I wouldn't give up an afternoon nap to help anyone. I sleep through my phone ringing with a broken hearted friend on the other end, because I am selfish... My naps are more important than helping people in need. How sad is that? A nap?... I would forsake the commandments of my Savior for a 45 minute nap? I want the Lord to use me in a mighty way, but I won't give up a nap to dig into His word? I want to be a leader, but I could care less about people if they are trying to interrupt my nap with their "problems"? How pathetic! Jesus spent so much time in His ministry without sleep. What would have happened if He didn't wake up from His nap to calm the storm and teach His disciples about His power and sovereignty? What if when they awoke Him, He shot them the bird and went back to sleep? I know this is a bit extreme, but I hope you get my point. There is an awful feeling in the pit of your stomach when you find out that you rarely live the words that you say you live by. Humble, is a mild word for that feeling. But the Lord is stronger than anything that I can possible do or be. He lived a life that covers all my sin and hypocrisy. How beautiful it is to know that He loves me in spite of myself.

I am without words when it comes to yesterday's shooting at Virginia Tech. How sad is it when a life is taken on the whims of another person? The Lord is just, in spite of our limited understanding. He is bigger that this...I need a nap.

25 Years of My Mothers Patients

2007-04-15T22:55:00.000-05:00

Today is my birthday. I am 25 years old. For some, this is a young age to find yourself, and for others it is a milestone. I am not too sure how I feel about being 25. My family does not have a history of making a massive ordeal about our birthdays. We call each other (most of the time) and share our love for each other. We all know that the other members of the family are thankful of the time we get to be with each other. However, there aren't gifts that are given or big parties. This might seem weird or "not enough" for some, but it the way my family operates. It has taken me a long time to be okay with this, but here I am ecstatic for the phone calls from my family. I talked to my brothers and had some good laughs. Then my mom called and sang me "Happy Birthday"... I almost cried.

It has become somewhat of a tradition for me to get on this blog and write about my feelings about the last year of my life. I have had two different roommates that have stretched and challenged me to be a better man. I have dating a couple of times... and then laughed at myself. There have been many ups and downs this year. I have come to terms with who I am... and I can smile when I look in the mirror. This year has been one of small steps... but I have come a tremendous distance by the grace of a loving God. He has lead my places that have cut away rough parts and He has led me to a peacefully place to rest in Him. How can i fit all of these lessons and laughs in such a small space?

Let me say this: This past year has brought reconciliation for me and my family. My family is stronger than we have ever been. It has become a tribute to my mom for us three sons to go to work and work hard. I have come to understand that I carry all of the sacrifices my mother with me when I go into the world. I go to work and manage a single mother that just got married... I can't help but see my mother toiling all those years for my future... so I find the patients to manage a group of people that will never understand how much I care about them. I go to school because my mother never a chance to further her education because she had to raise three terrors.

The Lord has the power to restore and redeem. He has redeemed so many people and things this past year. He is just, even when I can't understand why. How can such a beautiful God find a place to love such a sick man like me? There is nothing in me that is worthy of His glory... and yet He continues to impart Himself to me. His grace is always active in the comings and goes of my life. His grace is the signature of this past year. His fingerprints are all over the events of my past, and He has written my future... He has written it with love and mercy. And He will defend me with passion and justice.

During my conversation with my mom today, we shared some good laughs. She told me that she was thankful that I was a part of her life, and I thanked her for having me... she said "Your welcome!" ... what a gal my mom is! (Am I a momma's boy or what?) Thank all of you for being a part of my life!

Easter 2007

2007-04-08T11:41:00.000-05:00

1983 was my first Easter... it snowed. This is a picture of me with the snow bunny that my brothers made. Fast forward 2007...it snows again. This is the snow bunny that the three of us made.
I have always loved Easter... probably because it is so close to my birthday. This year was awesome. I went down to Crockett to be with my family (It seems that I always have something to write about after being with my family). Both of my brothers where down with there kids. We had BBQ from Pop's BBQ pit (taste amazing every time). After the food was done cooking we built a fire in the smoke box of the pit. All of us just sat and stood around the fire talking and trying to stay warm. It was so cold this year. We had a lot of good laughs as we sat around the fire. It strikes me how many great memories are made around Pop's BBQ pit.

As Christians we celebrate Easter because Jesus' tomb was found empty after He was beaten, killed, and buried for our sins. We see Easter as a symbol of Him overthrowing the power of death. It is beautiful. And this Easter, I saw Him over come all the death and junk that has bound my family for a long time. He resurrected the "family holiday" for us. We hunted eggs inside (it was too cold outside), we eat birthday cake (happy birthday to me... and Eavn), and had a great snowball fight that ended with me getting hit in the gut... snowballs hurt!

Happy Easter! I hope you all find the peace and joy that Jesus offers in a life redeemed by His blood. I hope you hold your family a little closer. I hope you laugh a little deeper. I hope you are a little more thankful when you eat those large meals. I hope you find rest. Happy Easter!

A Boy Walking In A Man's Shoes

2007-03-09T22:31:00.000-06:00

As a guy that struggles with the thought of being a man:

I am frightened by the people who look to me for any amount of strength or guidance. Not that there are many, but there are those who see or talk to me on a daily basis and those who ask me questions about this life I am stumbling through. And there are those who listen to my words. Why would people in committed relationships even think of asking insight from a guy who couldn't make his marriage work? Don't dismiss that statement because you think I am being too hard on myself. Read that sentence again, then try and give me an answer. It scares me straight to my core, to think that people might actually listen to my jumbled words about relationships. All I have to offer are lists of thing NOT to do.

Don't dismiss her dreams... she believes in you.

Don't forget the way she looked in her dress as she walked down the aisle.

Don't let the hard days at work destroy the good in her heart.

Don't forget that she listens to the words you say to her.

Don't forget the things she gave up to be by your side.

Don't forget to help her clean the dishes.

Don't forget to show her the love you tell her about.

Don't wait, capture her heart again tonight.

Don't forget that she is worth it... ALL of it.

"You call me a boy, but I'm tryin' to be a man."- Mat Kearney

As a guy, I am scared of the thought of being a man:

I am scared of being "okay". I am scared that if I don't have something fight my way through... I might have nothing at all. I am not trying to be dramatic, just honest. What am I supposed to do if I'm not fighting for a marriage, if I'm not fighting for respect, if I'm not fighting a woman's heart, if I'm not fighting to love the man God is shaping me into?... What am I if I am "okay" with being me? I am scared because I have never been at this place I am right now... I have never before been "okay" with who I am... but that is the place I am finding myself. I don't know how to be "okay" among a group of people that have watched me struggle through hard seasons of my life. What do they expect from me if I don't have that usual disposition? So I run away from them, because I am scared... and I don't know why.

I am scared of being a man:

I am scared that the things the Lord tells me might be true. He tells me that He loves me. Why would He do that? I am scared that He DOES know everything about me. I am not scared of dying, but I scared of dying before running this race the way He knows I can. I am scared that He is right about the man He tells me I can be... because now I have no choice but to be that man.

Despite these fears, I am more of a man than I have ever been. I have cried tears worth crying. I have laughed like a girl, and loved every moment of it. I have said words other were too scared to say. I have made a stand, and paid the price. I have loved when other called it foolish. I dream of things bigger than me. I am more of a man today because the Lord won't give up on me. He keeps whispering to me, "You're worth my blood. You're good... you're good kid!"

I am scared... but He is... He just IS.

Me?... Dating?... This Isn't Gonna' Be Pretty!

2007-02-27T12:34:00.000-06:00

I find it humorous when I post something about dating and love on this blog. Let me assure you that I do not believe I have a special insight into the workings of relationships. But, I am starting to understand some simple aspects about fruitful dating.

I don't know if opposites attract, but I know it makes or an interesting cup of coffee. It is FUN talking with people who don't share your same views and lifestyle... but I am not sure if it makes for a great relationship... but the jury is still out on that one.

Constant clashing is exhausting. Fighting through a relationship can feel like swimming upstream. And that begs the question: "Does this person clash or compliment who I am?" Because, I hope people who consider themselves "ready" to date have a health knowledge of who the Lord is molding them to be. Because the person the Lord is leading us to be, is who we want to be... so how much should the person I date clash against His work? Don't get me wrong, I believe fighting is a sign of a healthy relationship, but constant clashing of belief systems and worldviews can take almost anything worthwhile out of dating. But, finding a person that compliments who you are is worth the struggle. Finding a person who's strengths compliment my weaknesses is worth the wait. A person who challenges me about the sins I live in is worth being accountable to... in fact she might be worth more than anything I could offer her (gummy bears, bad jokes, my need to have facial hair to prove that I am a man, etc...).
As I have ventured back out into the strange land of dating again, I have found out I am not "smooth" as I once thought. I have also found out how bad I am at being attractive (Is body odder bad? And do you use conditioner before or after shampoo?). I have also learned that I need to lighten up. It's okay for me to be me, even if that means I don't "get the girl". Laugh... laugh a lot!!!!!!!

A Few Things I have Been Learning

2007-01-30T12:41:00.000-06:00

Over the past couple of months I have learned a couple of things that... well they suck to learn these things the hard way.

-Too much fast food disrupts the normal flow of things inside your body. I don't think I need to expand on this too much, but I will say this... Everyone needs to eat a salad every now and then!

-I am not an island! In the great movie About A Boy, Will (Hugh Grant) learns, the hard way, that you need people to get through life. In the past two months I have tried everything to keep myself away from people, because they make things messy! People have a bad habit of crowding you. They need things and can have a way of hurting you. But the farther you distance yourself from people... well, loneliness has a way of replacing the freedom you felt from people. Things can get pretty dark in a place like that.

-Community and Fellowship aren't a walk in the park, either! Just because I learned that you need people, doesn't make dealing with people any easier! The hard part about having fellowship with people in a community that you willingly are a part of is that you are forced to give something of yourself. You have to listen, care, and mean things. Who wants to do that? Who wants to sit with people and tell them that you are all screwed up inside, and you aren't sure things are going to get better? Who wants to listen a bunch of people talk about their "struggles"? Well... deep down we all do. It is a need that God put in us. So, I need to learn to be with people a lot better than I am right now!

-Community and Fellowship do not replace the need to be with God in the private places of my life. Fellowship is just a reflection of my relationship with the Creator and Savior of my life. No matter how much time I spend with a group of people that lift up and encourage me, there is no substitute for the time I spend with my God. I will never truly know His word unless I spend time with Him in it. He is the only giver of peace in this life, community is just one way He administers His peace.

-It is healthy to try new things! I tried Tofu for the first time. I liked it! I have also found a love for Yogurt. Up next: I will try to not be a jerk at work (I doubt I will like that as much as the yogurt!).

-Don't promise things you can't deliver. I have promised things to people with the best of intentions, but with a small hope that I never have to deliver. It is horrible when you don't do what you promised you would (especially to family!). How small of a man am I when I don't have the guts to give up a small piece of my time and life for others! I need to keep my emotions in check, so I don't hurt people with broken promises given in anger or sorrow.

There are millions of other things that I could say, but I am sure they wouldn't be as authentic as they should.

Lets all learn to love ourselves in our struggles. Lets learn to praise God for the small stuff like: toothpaste, the clanging of forks before a meal, toilets that work properly, and toilet paper (ohh, how I love the toilet paper!)

Family And The Times We Share

2007-01-12T19:25:00.000-06:00

Nice picture, huh?! I have spent a lot of time thinking a about family (again) and this life we live in. I will spare you most of my useless thoughts, and just tell you about the beginning of my year.

I finally got to see my entire family at the beginning of the year. Because of the line of work all of my family are in, and the distance that is between us, my family celebrates Christmas at the beginning of the year. We have the tree, a big feast, and the whole nine yards. In previous years there have been many things that have caused there to be a strain on this time together. Whether it be relationships that have been strained, poor health, or whatever; my family has had a hard time in the past enjoying the time we spend together... not this year!

All three sons where back under my mothers roof. All the grand kids where accounted for. Everyone was smiling from ear to ear pretty much the entire time. Mom was in reasonably good health; her voice was strong... I swear she looked great, almost glowing.

The three of us boys stayed up with Stan's wife Misty, and our mom. We stayed up talking about past Christmas'. We shared our favorite memories, and corrected the lies that have crept into each others stories. We laughed so hard when Stan recounted the morning he and Nathan woke up early one morning to play with the new presents, then they got kicked outside in the freezing weather for being to loud! Nathan chipped in with his favorite memory. Mom told us about the Christmas when her brothers got a miniature cannon (that's right a cannon)... well you do the math: little boys and a cannon... of course something got broken! I held my breath when she moved from that memory to a memory of when she and my dad where still married. She told us of a time when Sr. and Jr. when standing around the tree... there was nothing special about the story except the fact that she remembered it (There is a long journey that lights the path she has traveled to get to the place where she could tell such a story... I love my mom!). We stayed up for a long time finishing wrapping the gifts for the kids... and we laughed. The weekend was filled with good times. We had more family drop by, and it just made it even better. I cannot remember a Christmas this good.

I found an even deeper love for my entire family at the begging of this year. I watched Larry (my step-dad) melt over my mother. It was amazing to see the two of them laugh and love with each other. They seem to be moving closer together as the years go by, isn't that amazing?

It was amazing to feel such fellowship and community with the whole family. Have you ever had part of your family at odds with the other part? It makes it hard to enjoy being in the same house. But it makes for an amazing experience when everyone is enjoying the time they spend with each other. We laughed deeply. We shared our hearts to each other, and found loving embraces. We eat and drank with smiles for the people around us. We told more stories that bordered on lies, and we made new memories that will last us a long time. Isn't that the goal of family?

So This Is Christmas...

2006-12-22T23:19:00.000-06:00

Working in the retail and/or the restaurant business gives you a different view of the holidays. You see hundreds of people buying gifts for all the right reasons... but in all the wrong ways. They fight and yell at the person in front of them in the check out line, because they have family they need to rush home to. People loose patience with the cashier when they can't scan the bar code that has been ripped off... Why is it so hard to find a genuine smile to give to the person on the other side of the counter (cashier or customer)?

I love the idea of Christmas. I love the Biblical origin of the holiday. I will spare you all the "I hate the commercialism" comments. Man, I even like the Christmas songs... seriously they make me smile, and give me a good reason to do a stupid dance as someone sings "dashing through the snow" during a Texas Christmas (it's 75 degrees outside, seriously!). All that said, this hasn't been a great Christmas for me (just hear me out!). Since I have left my parents home in Crockett, I have adjusted nicely to being a grown up during the holidays. I accept the shift of the holidays being about the children and not me. The only thing that I ask for during the holidays is for family. I just want to see my parents. I want to see my brothers and their families. I am okay with not having anyone to hold tight during this "romantic" season... I just want to the chance to be an uncle for a couple of days, know what I mean? I just want to be a brother for a little bit. I want to hug my mothers neck, and stand around the BBQ pit with my Dad as we grill up some last minute food. But I haven't gotten that chance, and it has made the holiday hard this year. Family equals holidays... so these December days haven't felt like a holiday season.

I don't want to be a downer, because there is so much to be thankful for; and I am super thankful for the blessing that have been given. So, enjoy this time of the year, no matter how stressful. Watch your kids tare into the presents. Take that great "after turkey" nap. Hug your husbands. Kiss you wives. Let you family individually know how much they mean to you. Then, for crying out loud, give the people at Starbucks a break if it takes them a little longer to get you your extra foamy latte; look around there are hundreds of other people waiting too!

Merry Christmas. Thanks for being you and a part of my life!

Oldplay

2006-12-22T10:34:00.000-06:00

I have never been a big Coldplay fan. The reasons behind this are for a differen't conversation. But I LOVE this. I like this guys voice, and the concept behind this... but, I LOVE this clip because the girl in the crowd at the 1:12 marker. Our souls are meant to be touch. We should be moved by the beauty of the moments that touch us.

A Merciful Loss

2006-12-13T22:35:00.000-06:00

Here's the thing about loss: It is never a singular moment. It doesn't matter what you loose, it is lost everyday until you find it or you replace it. The worst part about loss is that somethings cannot be replaced. You can't replace a loved one who has passed away. How does a teenager replace the virginity they just lost in the backseat of a car? Can a child ever replace or refill the innocents that is unwillingly ripped from them? Loss removes the blinders that we wear. Loss forces us to survey the lives that we are living, because after loss there is something missing. By definition, loss creates an emptiness. How does a father rewind the time that he lost with his children?

There is so much that can be said about loosing things in this life. I have spent many pages of this blog pouring over the effects of loosing things that you hold so dear. But there is something bigger to be said about loss. Loss hurts like hell, but salvation is the sweetest fulfillment of the soul. Just as loss is not a singular event, neither is salvation. Salvation pours over us daily. Salvation is the beginning of the redemption plan that the Lord will bring to completion. He tells us that at the end of time He will make ALL things new. That includes those who trust in Him, in spit of loss and pain. But what about today? Loss is happening right now, and it hurts!

Lamentations 3:21-24 "This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

Every morning the sun rises like a second chance to do things better today than you did yesterday... that is His mercy on us. He doesn't give up on us. He can fill the pain that loss creates; better than that, He can grow us from loss. He can help us grow stronger than the things that are lost.

Let Him be your hope.

Stirring the Air I Breath

2006-12-09T00:37:00.000-06:00

Life never stops coming at you. It just happens... full blast! Today was filled with me failing a final exam, to me trying to play savior at work, to comforting a hurting brother, and by the end of the night I found a way to play the jerk as well (sorry Taylor!). All I am saying is that it can get exhausting living this life. I know that there is nothing in those last two sentences that are ground breaking or earth moving... but they are true. After all that I did or that I had happen to me today, I reread the introduction of a great book (Through Painted Deserts, by Donald Miller). The entire book is about his journey from Texas to Oregon (sounds nice huh?), and the ways he sees God moving. But the introduction to this book stirs my soul. Know what I mean? Have you ever had a movie or something just make your heart move toward something MORE that what you are?

Maybe I am being too poetic or something, but I can't stop feeling this stirred sensation in the pit of my stomach (maybe it's just the pizza talking). I think God put stuff inside us that makes us awe and wonder for and about Him. For me it's mountains and sunsets. I just can't not see his divine presence when I gaze at the pinks and golds that fill a sunset sky. He put that inside me. He put it there because I have a short memory. He put it there to remind me of Him when I start wimpering about how bad I have it. He put it there to show me that I am loved... even when I feel it's impossible. He put it there because He is gracious to a ego driven klutz like me.

After I started to heal up from some of the worst pain in my life I heard a song that talked about hope and breathing again. It rang so true to me. Every word washed over my beat up soul. For me, at that time, it was telling me (He was telling me) it was okay to be okay... not great or perfect or fake... but okay with me and Him. Now, all this time later, I have stumbled over this song again (or He has hit me over the head with it). But, it means something more. There is so much in the song that speaks to giving the grace that has been given. And it speaks a lot about the beauty in his creation (and His presence).

This clip is Breathing Air Again, by the Robbie Seay Band. The video has great photography. Just take the time...

If Your Church Disapeared, Would Your Neighborhood Miss It?

2006-12-04T20:22:00.000-06:00

Just asking a question.

What do you think?

Just A Ramble

2006-12-04T19:53:00.000-06:00

I was in a wreck last month. It was totally my fault, and I feel like an idiot! I have a bad habit of not totally paying attention to the road, and the other drivers that are traveling beside me. I find myself always in my own world. I am either trying to find just the right song on my ipod or talking on my phone. When I am behind the wheel of my truck, it's all about me. How stupid am I?

Last month, it was business as usual. I was driving on my way to get where I wanted to go. My mind was full of everything that I have been wrestling with for the past couple months... and years. It seems that my mind and heart are just fighting each other... then there are new things that have decided to jump into the mix. What do you do when you find yourself questioning almost everything around you? What do you do when you feel the urge to run even through you feel you are right where you are supposed to be? What do you do when you question the place you find yourself in this world? What if you question the quality of His will for you?

Have you ever had the moment when all your junk looks you right in face? You have reached a depth that has forced you eye to eye with the stuff you don't want anyone to know about? It's scary. It is haunting. Even though you understand that the Lord has covered all your junk, it is still hard to look at all the crap you still find yourself battling. It hurts. It hurts because you feel so weak. Man, I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling out of control. Worse than that, I hate feeling s if I can't control my own actions. We all love to quote Paul when we find ourselves in these types of situations (The things I don't want to do, I find myself doing; and that which I wish to do I don't).

Here is the way I see myself right now: I hate looking back at the past that I stupidly chose to walk through, but I can't take my eyes off it long enough to actually plan for what might come my way. There is so much stuff that I would like to see myself accomplish... but I never even try. Why do I do that? Why do I only long and wish for things that I can reach? Why don't I ever take those steps that I want to take? (It is at this point in this post that I start to think that I have used a lot of words, and not said a word of what is on my heart!) I am in constant "non-motion". I don't like the choices I made, so I let them place enough fear in me to cause me to try and never make another decision that might blow up in my face. Know what I mean? I am scared that I might fail again. I know the scriptures that speak of boldness... and yet I still just stand.

So this is what I am going to do. I am not going to promise myself that I will start to act. I am going to do something Godly for a change. I am going to thank my God for the things he has blessed me with. And I am going to bless him for the things that have been taken away from me...and the things that are still in my life. King David spent an entire book aching over the situations and emotions that where present in his life. Then he praise the Lord that loved him enough to let him cry. I am loved, and He has given me the power to accomplish the deep yearnings of my heart. So, while I still struggle to let go of the past, and can't find the right way to reach for the future...I praise. I give thanks, even if I feel hollow as i do it!

This is a clip of Mat Kearney. He is freestyling at a small church. He is singing about seeting up an alter right where you are. Just setting it up in praise for the God that does so much for us!

2006-11-20T16:40:00.000-06:00

As I often do, I have been thinking a lot. And, I am brilliant! That was just a joke. But I have found new perspectives about this beautiful wreck I call my life. Let me unload this for ya’: For the longest time I have had this yearning for something. I thought I could satisfy it with a person, or a place other than Dallas, or a new computer or gadget to occupy my time. The worst part is, I sought these things with the knowledge that they wouldn't quench this yearning. I knowingly perused them, knowing that at the end of the day, I would still want more. How sad is that? But here is something new: I am scared!? I haven't really felt truely scared since I was little boy. So it is a little weird writing that I am scared. I am not scared that I might somehow find out that the Lord isn’t as sovereign as He says He is. I’m scared that I won’t find the joy in His plan for me.

Ever have that feeling? Ever looked at the path that you seem to be walking on and said to yourself: “I don’t want to do this anymore! This isn’t what I want!” I walked into my roommate’s room last night, and I sat down in a chair. He and his girlfriend where planning their evening together. I totally interrupted their plans by asking if they wanted to do go to the movies together. As we sat in the room talking about what movie to watch, I started to wonder why I was so desperate to go out with them. My head dropped and I said to them: “I don’t care what movie we watch, I just don’t want to be alone in this apartment on another Saturday night.” Here is something that I know about myself: I am horrible at being alone! I am, and I admit it. I have a horrible, sinful tendency to try to find fulfillment in another flawed human. I have done it all my life. See, I am the worst type of person: I know that I am doing wrong, but I do it anyway. So, I continue to equate fulfillment with my ability to make a girl laugh…or my ability to make my employee’s believe I have everything under control.

But, I know the truth about this yearning that I keep trying to quench with things that rust and fade away. The truth is, it comes from the Lord. The Lord has put this gut wrenching thing that feels like a pain in the pit of our soul that can only be filled by His presence. But, that is easier said then done. Because every chance we get, we try to run as far away from Him as we can. We fight with Him about His will for our lives. We tell Him "no" when He asks something of us that we don't want to give. So there is still this yearning. But, when we do the things He asks us to do, the yearning feels pleasant. When we connect in fellowship with those around us, the yearning is soothing to our beings. I am not saying there isn't pain and sacrifice, because there is. There is pain that sometimes feels unbearable. And the things that we want for ourselves might not happen. Jesus told us this life would be hard. He told us to expect this. He told us to take joy in the sufferings that we go through because of our faith... why did he say that? Why would he tell us that joy in our suffering is the proper response? How do we get to that point? How much do we have to loose before you are joyful for not having something you long for?

This life is a lot easier than we make it out to be. What would happen if we just loved the way He loves us? What would happen in our souls if we gave our time, emotions, and enregy as He does? Would we continue to try and fill our lives with silly things? Would we even care about our lives anymore? How nice would it be to stopped spending so much time worrying and "fixing" your life?

Just a Post

2006-11-06T20:24:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure what I want to say with this moment. So it is no surprise that I am having such a hard time finding the right way to say it. There is a swarm of things that are beating up my insides. I think the best word for this is moment is "bittersweet". There are times when you have to understand the place you came from to know where you are going (I heard that somewhere). Well, I still don't have a clue where I'm headed... It's been a long time since I saw a future that held real answers for the questions I once asked. Please understand me: I have found joy... There is peace in His embrace... And His future for me is better than the past I see in my rear view mirror. With that said ("This is going to hurt a little" he told himself)...

You spend half your life walking toward something, and the other half walking away. For the first time in a long time I heard the "divorce" today. I was talking with a dear friend who feels like he has reached the end to his marriage. He and his wife find it hard to be polite with each other, muchless find the enthusiasm to say "I love you". He doesn't talk to me for marriage advice... The only time people ask me for relationship advice is when it seems a relationship is about to end. I have made peace with that. I am thankful that the Lord finds me worthy to help His children (in any situation!). When he said that word to my heart found a corner to cry in. It hurts for me to hear of people that find themselves staring that beast in the eyes. It sits there waiting to devour these two people. It sits there waiting to rip apart any intimacy this man and women might of felt for each other. It sits there waiting for it's chance to force these people to pack their halves of everything...

You spend years getting to know someone in a way that causes you to fight for them... You say you would die for them... You say only death will separate such a union... Then you find yourself fighting this person... Where you once would have died for this person, you won't give them any ground until you prove how wrong they are... Being right is more important than grace... The words "I'm sorry" only get said once you proved your point... Sex gets mistaken for love... Doors get slammed so often, it seems that there is no way to talk to each other anymore... Then you feel lonely, even with them sleeping beside you... Someone leaves... Then you find yourself sleeping in an empty bed... And you lay there wondering what happened to those kids who fought the world together.

You keep trying to forget the passion you wanted them to never forget. You try to move on when you wanted them to stay. You stumble through a life you thought they would help you walk through. You watch certain T.V. shows because it is their favorite... And you just want to feel connected to someone.

There is a distinct weariness that bleeds a person who feels no intimacy. And this might be the place where you find the people who have watched a marriage crumble despite their greatest attempts to "fix" things. They once shared their greatest secrets and fears with a person, only to have those fear realized by an empty home and a wedding band that has been robbed of the love and promise it was made for...

This is why Jesus begs us to run to him when it hurts. He said, "Fall, just fall... I will catch you." Then He decides to look in our souls and say, "I know you. I knew you before this pain caused your tears..." Then He shows His hands "I know how it feels to have someone hurt you. I know how what it is like to have lover walk out on you." He holds you until your tears find an end. You tell Him it still hurts even after all the years. His compassion fills the air and He promises you it will pass... Sometime soon.

There is nothing more intimate then this salvation we find in Him. No matter how many times we walk away from Him, He still reaches for our heart. Not matter how many times someone walks all over our heart, He still mends the broken parts. Mat Kearney once said, "Life is hell, but it is beautiful." I love the life the Lord is giving me. This side of the "storm" is better than the other. He promised me that He would show me this side... It's hell, but it's beautiful.

Thank You Lord!

This is a piece of a great song by Mat Kearney... Pain is a path that we sometime find ourselves walking. The Lord told us to expect it, then He told us he would never give us more than we could handle. Mat tells this story well.

i got a letter today of why she went away
she said, it's better this way, you knew i never could stay
half empty closets and frames, all that’s left to my name
as she left in the rain and left my heart on a chain
three years i’ve built this two-face tower for hours on a lease
you gave me one yellow flower that said rest in peace
in pieces i’ve broken open to think too much or just enough
alone to trust midst the rubble and the dust
humbled, it took this much to break down and understand
spent my life this far on castles made of sand
tossed in the breakers in the palm of your hand
now i can finally stand

-"Renaissance" by Mat Kearney

Smile guys. This post is about hope (in a dark way). Life gets hard, but it's worth it.

Forgive Me for Not Forgiving You

2006-10-31T08:51:00.000-06:00

I have a friend that has found love in a girl. For namesake I will call him Mark (not his real name.). I had dinner with him yesterday, and listened to him describe her. He told me how he loved her eyes and the face she loves kung-fu movies. He told me how it feels to know someone posses such feelings for him. He spent a lot of time describing how good it feels to know her. I sat there smiling because I was so happy for this kid. He has a hard time wrestling with self-worth. He looks in the mirror and wonders what is wrong with himself. He draws conclusion that he is too fat, too ugly, or too much of a nerd. He has bought into lies that the Deceiver has whispered to him all his life. But somehow, when he looks in this girls eyes that stuff seems to melt away for a moment and he feels like he is "worth it." He feels like he has a chance. He feels free to be himself. When she smiles at him, he knows it's okay for him to snort when he laughs. It's okay for him to be in love with Star Wars. It's okay that he isn't the best dresser. It's okay for him to let his guard down. It's okay for him to speak from his heart.

This is the feeling that our relationship with Jesus is to give us. When He looks into our eyes, there is a rush of emotion that fills the empty parts of our heart. His smile lets us know He approves of our heart. He tells us that He loves our funny laugh. He promises us that He likes the way we ramble on and on to Him. In the gospels Jesus tells us that He is our bridegroom, and we his bride. Christ uses the most sacred relationship we have in this life to describe our relationship with Him. How much more could we ask for? What does He expect out of our relationship that He would call us His bride? I have to believe He wants us to find Him. To find Him worthy of praise. But more importantly, He wants us to find Him trustworthy enough to live as He created us to be. He wants us to be honest with Him. He wants all the trash we hide. He wants to talk with us. As much as we want to feel the acceptance this relationship offers, He wants to give us that acceptance. He wants us to be filled up, and He stops at nothing in His pursuit of us. He gave His life so we could freely (in Him) live ours without hesitation for eternity.

I have another friend (I have a lot of friends, huh?), I will call him Jim. Jim has been married over six years. He has a couple of good kids. He is your average guy. He works hard at his job, does his best for his kids, and tries his best to love his wife. But recently, he can't seem to find a way to enjoy his relationship with the woman he married six years ago. A couple of years ago Jim's wife made a series of bad choices that almost ended their marriage. Everyone told Jim that he had every right to leave her. As much as it hurt, Jim stayed with her the best way he knew how. Fast forward to now, and Jim still can't shake the history of their relationship. He still carries the pain of broken trust. He still feels the anger. Jim just bottled up these emotions years ago, and now the lid has busted off the top of the bottle. No matter what his wife tries, Jim can't seem to see past her short comings. No one blames him for these feelings...But how long should Jim's bride pay for her mistakes? How long should Jim with hold his compassion from her? How much longer can their relationship withstand this? How much longer until one of them throws in the towel.

Jim's bride made mistakes along her way. She took her eyes off her husband and looked elsewhere. So had Jesus' bride! It seem a daily ritual for us to withdraw our eyes from the gaze of our Lord. We look to any idol or shiny thing to make us feel good... To make us feel beautiful... To make us feel "worth it." For some reason we forget His complete love for us, and we start thinking about what we don't have... Or we start listening to the same one that spoke to Eve in the garden. "He doesn't love you anymore... He doesn't find you lovely anymore... How could He ever see past what you did?" How long will we let these lies cause us this pain? Now long will our fears reign over us? Jim, how long will you harbor this? How long will you with hold from your bride what you freely tell others?... Jesus said that he has removed all of our wrongs. Everyday, when we wake up He tells us how proud He is of us. When we ask Him not to hold our wrongs against us, He doesn't.

How long will we continue to stare longingly across the canyons that separate our relationships with those we love? How long until we work toward bridging the gap? How much do we have to loose before we start grabbing for that which we long for. The Lord never stops grasping for our hand. He is desperate to forgive us. He wants nothing more than to hold us and say: "I love you so much. I know you messed up, but you are here now... That is what matters most to me. You are worth every sacrifice." What would happen if we told those we love that they are worth it? What would happen if we stopped holding out our emotions so we wouldn't get hurt? What would happen if we took the first step in repairing relationships... Even if it means looking like a fool, and getting hurt all over again? I bet it's worth it... I bet it's worth more than the pain and bitterness we hold onto.

God Loves Baseball!

2006-10-27T22:40:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching the St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series. True, it is bitter sweet because I wish the Twins could have gotten out of the first round; however I love watching the post-game celebration (just as long as it isn't the Yankees having the good time). There is so much emotion that erupts from men when we feel our hard work actually means something. Jeff Weaver pitched 8 great innings. When the finial out was recorded he rushed the field and fell to pieces. He sobbed after he pitched the game of his life. There have been many people that doubted his ability, is there any better way to prove someone wrong?

Watching men cry after events like this makes me ask myself a question: "How many people live their life waiting for a moment that defines as something more than a failure?" How many people have pasted away before feeling they have reached such a moment? I know I sometime find myself holding my breath waiting for a chance to prove myself, not only to everyone else, but to myself. Instead of living in the freedom that comes from knowing what Jesus did for me with His life; I burden myself with a notion that it's my job to prove myself worthy. I love baseball, and I believe the Lord never stops reminding us who we are, who He is, and who we can be when we listen to the words He pumps through our hearts.

Just a Thought

2006-10-14T19:09:00.000-05:00

All I have is a quote and a question.

"If a man does not find those things for which his heart is made, if he is never even invited to live for them from his deep heart, he will look for them in some other way. Why is pornography the number one snare for men? He longs for the beauty, but without his fierce and passionate heart he cannot find her or win her or keep her. Though he is powerfully drawn to the woman, he does not know how to fight for her or even that he is to fight for her. Rather, he finds her mostly a mystery that he knows he cannot solve and so at a soul level he keeps his distance. And privately, secretly, he turns to the imitation. What makes pornography so addictive is that more than anything else in a lost man's life, it makes him feel like a man without ever requiring a thing from him. The less a guy feels like a real man in the presence of a real woman, the more vulnerable he is to porn." - John Eldredge, Wild At Heart

Why is so hard to be the men He wants us to be? Is there anything more attractive than the life He offers? Then why do we settle for the garbage that only leaves us hollow?

Is Freedom More Than a Name?

2006-10-10T20:21:00.000-05:00

Am I the only person that gets caught off guard by the goodness we are allowed to live in? I often wonder if I deserve the good that comes my way. I question my good fortunes because I know who I am when the all the lights are out and no one is looking at me. Someone once told me that we are truly the person we become when no one is looking. I believe that because scripture tells us that the Lord knew us before we where even in our mothers womb.

Up until now, I never understood the freedom the Lord was telling me about in that scripture. Instead of me feeling the need to hide, He is whispering: "I already know about all your muddy roads... and it's okay. I love you so much more than anything you could ever do." It is such a basic truth of our Lord, but so profound. It speaks right to His never ending grace. But what do we do with such freedom?

Does this give us reason to take liberty with our lives, and live as we please? I don't think it does (but I still do sometimes). We always hear people say: "You only live once!" Then they get sloppy drunk or commit an act that they will regret in the morning. I don't think regret ever follows the true freedom the Lord offers us to live with. I don't think we can truly understand this freedom until we feel the chains of regret and sin. Once Christ's' blood unlocks any chains that locked up our heart, freedom stands in the doorway with it's arms open waiting to embrace us.

This freedom is felt when we open ourselves up. It is embraced when take the time to be effected by our fellow man. Freedom is experienced when we are willing to be broken for other people. Look around at the people in your life. Is there anyone who has everything together? Or is there anyone who could use a little understanding? Anyone who just needs a shoulder to cry on? There is freedom in knowing that you can live life and when things get hard someone still thinks you are worth their time. That is the key to the "fellowship" that we are all seeking. We go to church, meet in our small groups to feel some community. Until we truly give each other the freedom to mess up and say the wrong thing and then still love each other with out hesitation... until then fellowship is still out of our grasp.

The Lord gives us the freedom to be vulnerable with each other, because he knows we cannot truly comprehend Him. So, he taught us comfort each other... then He promised that where two or more gather, He would be there. Just by living life with each other, we are showing the love of our Father. There is no greating reedom that being able to wake up each morning and just live and love each other.

Big Gulp, Huh?... Alright See Ya' Later!

2006-10-07T18:15:00.000-05:00

Over the past five months I have had the honor of working again with a true friend. I met Derek Law over three years ago when he joined the team at my old store. He had worked for the company for six years when I met him. Fast forward to the present, and he is now my boss. I have loved every minute of working under him. During the last three years I have watched a boy wrestle with manhood. I have watched a party animal awkwardly stumble through the emotional battle grounds of being a father. I have shared great days at work with him... And we have waged war against the demons that followed our divorces. Behind his stupid smile lay wounds that have never healed, and his howling laughed hides pain that life have piled on his shoulders.

Let me be honest (forgive me Derek), Derek has one of the foulest mouths my ears have ever been exposed to. He can combine words that I would have never dreamed could fit in the same sentence, much less be united to become foul words. Derek has done things in his life that you only see in movies (the kind mothers hope their children never see). Derek can sound and act like the biggest jerk you could ever meet. He can be too abrupt at times; to the point in hurts when you walk away from him. His personal life can be tragic at times. He has trouble communicating what he really wants to say, but it never stops him from talking... And talking. But, with that said...

I would give my life for this guy. I can handle the mounds of foul language, because he is the most honest person in my life. He will tell the truth, even if it makes him look like a jerk . It is no secret, to anyone who takes the time to listen to him, that Derek's life is a little screwed up. He knows it, but why is he so honest about it? I am not saying he is only honest to his "inner circle" (or puts it on a blog because he couldn't stand the thought of being totally honest in person), his entire staff that works under him knows that he has issues. Why does he make this known even to those who would use it against him if they ever got the chance? Or those who don't give a crap about anyone, just so long as they get paid?

I am one of Dereks biggest fans. I want him to be the best father Diggy ever has knowledge of. I want Derek to be the best partner in any relationship he finds himself in. I want Derek to continue to be one of the best friends I ever have. I want him to be the best boss anyone who works with him speaks of. More than anything I want Derek to know my Jesus. But, I never want him to loose the honesty the makes him so enduring to those who look closely at the mess we call this life. I will never forget the day I watched Derek (in a true moment of vulnerability) pour his heart out to one of his employees about how he was having trouble managing a store and the pain of being a single father, and she brushed him off like dirt on a clean white floor. She didn't want to understand because it gets too messy. It takes too much time.

Life is messy. Words are printed in black and white, but life is full of grays. There is nothing clean about any of us. I am dirty from head to toe from all the crap I jump into. We are all broken...even if we act like we are pieces of art. Give me a break, all of those who whisper behind close doors, all of those who hind behind masks... the truth is not easy... but it is the most effective currency known to man. There is more to people than what we see at the work place, and there is more that goes into a persons preformance than the events that happen once we punch the time clock. Is there any understanding worth extending to others? Or, is our personal life more important. (man, I sound bitter... but I feel more defeated than angery or bitter.)

A Race To Grace

2006-09-28T15:03:00.000-05:00

In my very first post on this blog I asked the question: "Is grace worth dying for?" I don't remember what drove me to that question back then, but I am thrown back to it. What happens when someone hurts those you love the most in life? What happens when someone's personal decisions hurt you? What do you do with that person? Is grace at the intersection at which this person stands in your life? Should it hurt this much to show someone the grace that was shown to me on Calvary? I have people in my life that have made some decisions that have caused those close to me LOTS of pain, which has caused me to have pain. I have talked to many people about this situation, and have gotten some great answers. I think the most profound statement I heard was from my friend Cat. She said, "Everyone craves truth." She was talking about approaching people with love and grace, but most importantly with the truth. I think she is right. People want honesty, even if it hurts. We are taught, by Jesus, to extend grace to others just as it was extended to us. Paul taught us that to live this redeemed life is to daily die to our selfish nature. I think these two things go hand in hand. And, I think these two lessons hurt the most. Paul echoed this by says that "to die is gain".

Should it hurt me this much to give someone a fraction of the grace that was given to me? No. Should I make someone earn my grace and forgiveness when these where freely given to me? No. So why does it hurt, and why do I require things from others? I think I make this life harder than it needs to be. But, I am comforted to know that I am not the first to try and complicate the simplicity of this redeemed life I am leading. Jesus had to get the disciples back in line on more than one occasion. Paul wasn't shy about the fact his wrong actions often out weighted the redemption he was given.

I am not sure if grace comes before forgiveness or vice versa, and I am not sure if you need one to complete the other. But, I know that they are both an important part of my life. And they often enter my life at the same time. And I know I need God's grace to help me forgive those who hurt me. I know I am not perfect, but as Gerald G. May put it: " We cannot use failure as an excuse to guit trying." So what am I trying to say with all these words? I guess it all boils down to this: I am hurt, and I forgive the people that hurt me... But it still takes me longer than it should.

Sunday Pain

2006-09-19T08:37:00.000-05:00

I sat in my seat Sunday at church, wondering why I was there. I know why I go to church, and I am okay with those reasons. But, I couldn't help wondering why I didn't just walk out and enjoy the rainy evening with some good reading on my patio. I was sitting on a completely empty row of chairs, so I found myself in a comfortable spot. That changed when a man came and asked if he could sit by me and "be my friend". I figured he just wanted to get by me so he could sit a couple of seats down from me... Nope. He sat right beside me. Let me state again that the entire row was empty. We exchanged some small talk, then the service got started, thank God.

I stood up and started to sing, and soon forgot the strange man beside me. During the first song, an elderly couple came walking in. The lady was holding onto the old man to help him walk to their seat. I have seen these two before, and it wrenches my heart every time I see this guy. He looks like he is in pain with every awkward step he takes. His back is bent low from a hard life. My heart found a corner to cry in as I watched them walk past. I stared wondering if I would walk in such a way when I reached his age, because I don't want to. I don't want to have a physical state that forces others to look at me with pity. But, that is what I was doing to this man. Why was my souls aching at the site of this man? Lucky for me, the music ended, and Andy got up and started to preach.

I remember everything Andy said. I was listening and hearing what he had to say. He ended and it was time for the last song. I stood and started singing "Blessed Be Your Name", and the words hit me that way they always do. As we sang "Blessed be Your name, On the road marked with suffering, Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name" that old couple awkwardly walked over to light a candle and then headed to the alter. As painful as it was to watch him walk, it hurt worse to see the pain on his face bent down to kneel at the alter. I could almost feel the pain shoot down his body. My soul broke again, my eyes lost control, and I wept. "On the road marked with suffering, There's pain in the offering, Blessed be your name" Sometimes it hurts to live this life, and sometimes it is sunshine and birds singing. I watched this couple as they huddled together to pray. At that moment I envied him. His wife was leaning into him, holding him, while they lifted up their heart to the Lord. Is there a better portrait of what all of us ask for in a spouse?

This isn't an out cry for a spouse. This is me actually having a moment where I stopped worrying about me long enough to see what it means to sing "On the road marked with suffering, There's pain in the offering, (but) blessed be your name Lord Jesus" The service ended, and I walked away to finish the rest of my Sunday. What's a boy to do with the rest of his life?

Truth On the Big Screen

2006-09-16T21:24:00.000-05:00

I just got finished watching a great movie, The Last Kiss. Those of you who know me, know that I love Zach Braff. But, actually, that has nothing to do with why this movie is still stirring in my head. I know that there are those who wont watch rated R movies and choose not to watch or listen to similar media. And I must admit that there is some really racey stuff in this movie (hence the "R" rating). But, I just got finished watching the realities of this life played out by a bunch of actors, and it ripped my heart out. It hurt to watch this movie. I was uncomfortable with the pain this movie displayed. The movie centers around the pain choices can cause.

I sat in the theater and watched Hollywood versions of my friends and family members. I knew every character in a real way. I have a lot to say about the movie, but I don't want to ruin it for anyone. But, let me say this; there are Biblical truths screaming in this movie. There is the truth of pain. There is the realities of unfaithfulness. There is the realities of truthfulness. But, here is what is killing me right now: I see these people everyday. I see these truths fleshed out everyday by people who do and don't have a personal relationship with Jesus. I see guys and girls making choices and then hurting for them for a long time. And, I am one of those guys. Everyone is looking for some peace about the lives they are leading, so we make choices we think will help us find this peace.

John14:27 "Peace I leave with with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Jesus said this to his disciples after telling them about how the Holy Spirit will help guide them and comfort them until Jesus makes his return. This is the peace that our choices try to capture. When will we stop making choices without His guided hand?

The Boy vs The Cynic

2006-09-08T22:04:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I was slapped in the face with the person I have become. And, I must say it hurt. Most of you who might be reading this understand that I can be a bit hard on myself; so to you this might seem like one of those occasions. Then there are those of you who have spent long conversations with me about religion, politics, or anything else that I have an opinion about; these are the people who will most understand that there is much truth to this.

I have become a cynical person. I don't know when it happened, hell I don't understand why it happened. I just know it happened, and know here I am. Here I am, searching for the "hidden agenda" of our politicians. Or taking it upon myself to spread "the truth" about what religion has or hasn't done. For some reason, I find it hard to trust and fully embrace people. I purposely with hold myself from people, until they show their "true colors". I always take the position against the popular. Why? Just because I hate the thought of someone else being right or having the answers. If it wasn't my idea or I didn't discover it; it isn't worth my approval. How pitiful is that?

I could try to trace back to when this started (and trust me, I want to), but what good would it do? I have a past that has had it's tuff times, but why am I so cynical? I have been washed clean with Christ's blood, so why am I cynical and ungraceful toward those in the faith that slip and fall? I live in a great country, that gives me the right to even write this; so why am I so angry about the things that happen that I don't even understand?

I am starting to wonder about joy. I think I lost it somewhere, because I am finding it difficult to be joyful. I am emotionally stable and I am capable of putting a smile on my face. And I am becoming better at being genuine. To be honest, I am thankful for the man I am; and I don't wish to return to any part of my past... But, sometimes I can remember a kid that found it easy to love and trust people. He listened and laughed ALOT! He was more than happy, he felt a joy for the life he was given. But, that kid left to "get a life" and boy did he get it.

I am still grateful. This isn't a "woe-as-me" moment. I am just being honest about me. These are lyrics from a great song by John Reuben that expresses what it is like wrestle with who you are and the person you once where.

Man it's sort of overwhelming
It didn't seem like I was storytelling
But you didn't believe me when I told you that I could see my
Hopes and dreams come alive as it seems
But there's a time and place for everything
Well I left my imagination there
Now it's only what I can touch see taste and hear
With my natural senses I wish I could stretch the limits
But my defenses keep me limited from the boundaries I set
So I won't get burned again
Sure I'd like to be optimistic but that doesn't line up well with reality
So I'll go to sleep now and dream of a younger healthier better me
Don't mistake innocence for ignorance
Don't mistake purity for inexperience
Don't mistake humility for weakness I sincerely mean this
You understand more than you know
There's no goal like peace of mind
So what else are you trying to find
What's left except regret and heartache
And yes your heart will break and go numb lots of times before this life is done
You'll look for answers but there's just one
Patience one day it will make sense
But waiting is a pinch waking you up from the worlds you've made up
The one where you dream and the one where you gave up
Time to create a new atmosphere where the boy and the cynic can both play fair

Singleness and Idols

2006-09-04T14:39:00.000-05:00

Being single is tricky. There are different levels of singleness (is that even a word?) There are those who aren’t married, but in a serious relationship, so they consider themselves “off the market”. Then there are those who are in a relationship, but are “still looking”. Then there are those who are not in a relationship at all. But even this group of singles is broken down into sub-groups. There are those who want to be in a relationship and those who don’t want a relationship (they are just fooling themselves).

Now, I have the good fortune to know what it is like to be apart of every single one of these groups of singleness, and I also know what it is like on the other side of being single. But, in the past couple of weeks I have witnessed, from the outside looking in, what it looks like to be single… and I must say that it doesn’t always look pretty. In fact, most of the time it looks like a swamp, when one steps in the wrong place you start to sink in emotions and tears.

I was talking with a friend who is in a relationship that is at best “rocky”. She and her boyfriend both love the Lord, and strive to live a life worthy of Christ’s blood. However, singleness is kicking their butts! I spent a couple of hours with her last week, just talking about life. I asked her what her goals where for her life. Her answer was a very common answer among single people: “To get married and someday start a family” Her answer broke my heart, because I know the reality of such a goal (because I have lived it). While there is nothing wrong with wanting to be married, to make it your life goal distorts our view of how we are to live. To view marriage as a goal is to see it as the finish line. Our mentality toward relationships becomes one of, “If we could just get married…” or “I will be better once we get married.” Relationships become a means to an end. But far worse, we start living out lives in such a way that will get us married or become more attractive to potential mates.

This becomes a major problem because we stop allowing God to create us into the son or daughter that he wants us to be, and we start molding ourselves into the people we think we should be for our future wife or husband. Have you ever made the statement: “I want to live a life that will bring honor to my future wife (husband).”? While this thought is honorable, it creates an idol out of the prospect of marriage.

What about this? What if as single people we stop looking at marriage as a finish line? What if we let Jesus continue to make us into the people He wants us to be? What if we just followed His footsteps, even if they led us away from the person we think is our “future mate”, no mtter how much love we feel for them? What if we gave up on the type of dating we see on TV and hear in music? What if we stopped viewing singleness as “being stuck in a holding pattern”? What if being single is living life just as much if you where married?

There are lots of reasons why I am the last person to give relationship advice. However, this is something I know for a fact: Not everyone should be in a relationship! Some people hurt themselves more by being in a relationship. You shouldn’t try being in a relationship if you aren’t emotional “okay”. While no one is totally emotional “okay”, I think you understand what I am trying to say. Because, if you aren’t “okay” you will start looking to that other person to help you be okay. That isn’t anyone’s job except the Lords!

I hope I become better at singleness than I am now. God save this poor boy!

What Would Happen If You Leave?

2006-08-30T20:36:00.000-05:00

People walk in and out of our lives everyday. Some leave for brief moments, and then there are those who you never see again. With every departure we run the risk of loosing people. Cars crash into each other everyday causing families to break apart. Disease rage and live slips away from those who are trying to hold onto it with all their strength. People make decisions to never return, and worlds get flooded in the wake of these decisions.

There is something deep within all of us that looks at the rest of the world and asks the question, "What would happen if you leave my life?" Some internally ask this question to parents that never seem to have enough love. While some parents cry at the thought of not having the children they watch sleep at night. Some ask this question of the brother that always seems to make the wrong decision; when all the while that brother make every decision based on the fear of that question. Husbands ask the question when their wife's leave for the grocery store, and all the while their wife wonders what is on the other side of a final "goodbye".

But why do our hearts ask this question? For some it is fear of the unknown. We ask this question because it is the last thing we want to happen. While others ask the question because they want to be ready for the "just incases" of life. And some ask the question out of pure pain. There has always seemed to be a place in all of us that wonders about the unknown, and no matter the motive, we try to get ready for it (even sometimes by running away!). If you watch the news for just five minutes, you come to the understand that loss is apart of life. We have become conditioned "deal with it". So, why do hearts break when loss become personal?

Our creation is a testimony in understanding the desire to relate. The Lord created us because he wanted relationship. He was totally satisfied within the Trinity, but he took a chance (knowing the whole time what the outcome would be.). He wanted to walk in the cool breeze with us and have conversations about everything! He wanted to hear laughter from us. That's not emotion it's fact. But one day a piece of fruit became the symbol of a fall that has plagued everyone from our first breath. Then for the first time the question was asked by a naked couple holding some fig leaves, "What would happen if you leave?" And all of us have been asking that question of everything in our life since that moment.

People leave, but the Lord never left. He returned to physically dwell among his creation several times. He died among His creation just so He could rise to show us that He would never leave (even if the physical body wasn't present)... But this doesn't stop us from asking the question over and over again, and our sins are our way of yelling at Him to leave us alone. I am thankful that I will never know the what would happen if He left.

Long Talks In My Old Room

2006-08-20T19:59:00.000-05:00

This is my brother Nathan and his kids (McKayla and Evan). It always seems that I have a lot to say after I spend a weekend down in Crockett. The four of us woke up to take some pictures in the in the early morning sun. All Evan wanted to do was use sticks as swords and McKayla just wanted to make Uncle Chad and Daddy happy... And Nathan, well for the first time in a long time he looked rested... And I have no idea why. He and I were up all night talking about everything we knew and lied about the stuff we didn't know.

We sat in my old room talking about growing up in that small town and leaving it for "big dreams" in big cities. He and I spent a lot of time talking about the past. We laughed about starting fires and farting in public places. We stopped looking each other in the eye when we started talking about dark times. We sat in respectful silence after one of us bared our heart to the other. We sat in amazement after we realized how far our relationship with Larry (our Step-Father, aka. "Pops") had come. We helped him put together a new BBQ grill, and it was the best time we had all weekend.

What I love most about my relationship with Nathan is that neither of us are content with staying on the surface of things. Both of us want to dig deep, and find every opportunity to be as genuine as we can with each other. He never lets me get away with just saying a passing comment about pain or happiness. He wants to know why I say what I say. And I always want to know how his mind rationalizes the blessing of his two kids. Those kids make me wonder what I am doing with my life(in a very good way!). He tells me about his struggles and the victories he finds in the small parts of his day.

Life isn't perfect, but the sun shines gold a lot more than I notice. I am so thankful for my family. We are all screwed up and make no sense most of the time, but what family isn't? I have come to understand how important it is for a person to be a part of something bigger than just themselves. That is why Jesus taught us that as Christians we are members of a family, part of a body. We help each other when we can, and stop hurting each other when we find out we are causing pain. Family... a cursed blessing that embarrasses you, but the first place you run to when you hurt and find yourself in need.

More Than Just Blood

2006-08-13T21:05:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I read the gospel accounts of Calvary, I fail to grasp all that cross accomplished for me. The first thing Christians come to understand is the unexplainable salvation that flows from Jesus' blood. Sins forgiven and wiped away like old tears; all at the moment one believes upon the life and sacrifice of the Christ. There is nothing better than knowing that someone paid the price for all my wrongs that I could never correct by myself.

But what I fail to grasp sometimes is the freedom the Cross gives a person. Not freedom to waist my life with the actions that put Jesus on that cross; but a freedom to live my life without a hesitation for what "might be" or what "might have been". There is nothing this world can offer that come close to that freedom and love. It almost hurts to understand what the Cross has given my saved soul, and know that I still waist my life doing anything less than embrace this beautiful mess I find myself in.

I would love to think that these words aren't based on emotion, just truth. Because Jesus taught us to live with a childlike faith in him. Just to trust that He has it all figured out, and all we have to do is follow Him. Easier said than done, but better than the alternative.

Old Shirts, County Music, and Salsa

2006-08-12T23:02:00.000-05:00

I had a conversation with an old friend tonight. This guy has watched me grow out of diapers into the the guy that I am today. He had been there for me more than I ever noticed until our short phone conversation today. He had some advice that I wouldn't listen to until now. He simply said this: "Maybe it's time to give some praise for the things that are in your life (good or bad)." You are right Eugene.

I have a closet full of shirts that I have had since I was in high school. I love the fact that the Lord has helped me stay around the same body size, so that I can fit into most of those same shirts... And still wear them in public. That helps me understand that the Lord is timeless in his fathering of me.

The sun came out this morning, and I had the opportunity to sleep through most of it's rise... I am thankful for sleep... When I can find it! While sleep doesn't always equal rest, sleep helps me to see the opportunities the Lord gives us to rest in Him. What a blessing that is!

I made a phone call to my brother Nathan, and I heard his kids in the background screaming with pleasure as they ran through the sprinkler. What a blessing to know the Lord allows my brother to enjoy his kids... I love those kids because they have done more for my brother than he will ever understand.

I am thankful for a good country song! It doesn't matter what year the song hit the radio, the right sad country song can be just as big of a blessing as a good praise song. Johnny Cash or Randy Travis or Dierks Bentley, those guys are a blessing for this East Texas kid's ears!

The more poetic I try to get with this list, the less genuine I feel it is getting. So let me say it this way: When I remove my head from my butt and actually look around; the Lord has blessed me with a family that loves me, a job that keeps the bills paid, and a million small things that go unnoticed due to my arrogance! I love the way things piece together in the right moment, and I love the fact that the Lord is never rushed!

And one more thing, chips and salsa!... Other than Jesus, is there a bigger blessing found in life?...I think not!

Rain, Bitterness... And Fishing?

2006-08-07T22:32:00.000-05:00

There is nothing quiet like a nice rain storm. Even this concrete city seems dry from the lack of rain. Like a good cry can calm the soul, a good rain can refresh the senses of the earth. There is something exciting about a hard rain that blows through the day. The sky goes dark, the temperature drops, and a scent fills the air. Then the rain comes in sheets. The wind blows it in different directions until it hits the ground. And, all we can do is watch from under some cover or dance under drops. Either way you experience the rain, I am sure you have a smile on your face. Sometimes you have to get wet to clean the deep parts of your heart.

This weekend I returned to the town I grew up in. I have made peace with almost every inch of that town. From the little league field to my high school baseball field; I have made it a point to go back to the same dirt and grass that I made memories on years ago. I have learned to smile at most of my past days. Sunday, I sat in the same church pews that I did during my childhood... It just happens to be the same place I took wedding vows. It hurt to be in that building. Memories rushed back for the better part of an hour, until my old pastor's words broke through: "The pains of your life can either be a means to an end, or they can end you. But that is your decision to make. You can either be bitter or make it better!" Those words pissed me off, because I knew they where true.

Am I bitter? What a loaded question for me to ask. By the looks of most of my previous postings, it looks like I am. I find myself thinking of this a lot, because I don't want to become "that guy"! You know who I am talking about. "That guy" who always brings up "that subject" every time you talk to him. But I see that is what this blog has turned into; my way of always bringing up "that subject". And, to be honest, I don't think it has helped that much. What once was a pain I felt, has now been turned into a drug I use to help myself escape from moving forward. Does it help to talk about matters of the heart? No doubt! Does it help to beat yourself up in front of everyone you know? Nope.

Am I bitter? No, just hurt. Am I afraid? More than you know. So now what? Maybe I will go fishing in Alaska. Maybe I will take that trip to Portland or maybe I will watch the leaves change colors in Boston. Or, maybe I will have the guts to live my life where I stand, in spite of my fears. Maybe just maybe, I will stop sabotaging myself and actually believe the things Jesus says about me. Because, I think he is right about me. Maybe, I'll go on another date... It's fun to make a girl laugh out loud! There is a lot of life worth living under any sky you find yourself living under... Time to get to it!

In The Waking Hours

2006-08-01T22:03:00.000-05:00

Why do I wake up every morning? Why do you wake up every morning? I will go out on a limb and speculate that it has nothing to do with your job. For me most days start at 3:40a.m., and trust me when I say that I don't enjoy helping the sun rise every morning. In the hours I spending before the sun makes it's entrance in the horizon, my heart has no problem feeling the levity of the place I find myself each morning. I smile smiles and try my best to comfort those who feel the weariness that one feels in the wee hours of a week day morning. But, I can't help but feel a bit hypocritical and fake as I make my way through the day. I walk as if I have a purpose. Those people who know me as the "coffee guy" don't know the battles that beat my insides to a bloody pulp. And as the sun finally makes it's entrance among the orange and reds, I can't help but ask myself again, "What do I wake up for every morning?" Because it is so clear to me as I stand in the same spot every morning, that I do not live for this job. Sure, I am thankful for a steady job, and make no mistake, I am not complaining about my job. It has been good to me. But, there is something deeper that keeps me rising each morning.

What is it that makes me continue to rise every morning? Is it forgiveness? Have I been living my life for the past couple of years trying to earn a forgiveness that I never seem to feel? I take an inventory of my life as I grind coffee each morning, and the coffee always seems to run short before I find a solution for past mistakes. Who am I trying to gain forgiveness from? It's not my Jesus, because He granted me that undeserved grace six years ago... And everyday since. He paid the price for my faults, and He finds me beautiful in spite the pain I inflict... And, to this day, I still can't understand why he loves me with such passion. With such forgiveness in place, what other forgiveness is there to search for? I have taken people for granted. I have wished pain upon those I confessed to love the most. I've lied, cheated, stolen...I have wasted time. I dismissed people completely for no other reason than my own immaturity or insecurities. I once lit a candle to signify my love for a single person, but as I replay my life in the early morning I see a boy trying to daily blow out that flame with coarse words and stupid fights... That boy stopped trying to blow out that flame when someone else blew it out for him... But the forgiveness that I seek wont relight that flame.

Why do I continue to wake up? Is it a scare little boy inside me? Do I continue to smile and joke with strangers each morning as I make them coffee, in a quest to quench the insecurities of the child inside me? There is a hurt little kid inside me. He has wounds that have stunted his growth of maturity. Am I trying to heal those wounds with a false acceptance given with each transaction made for a cup of coffee? Am I in a search of acceptance? Has the rejection I received driven me to keep my job for the purpose to prove that people DO like me?

Does a search for love keep me rising with my alarm clock? Is my fragile existence being drug behind a carnal need to feel loved? There once was a time when I had the love that I now seek again. The trouble with this love is you feel it's weight the most when it is no longer there. Now what's a boy to do with such knowledge? The truth is this: I know that I am loved beyond my understanding. The forgiveness I have received walks hand in hand with Jesus' love for my broken self. The love that I seek from another human, fails in comparison with the love of a Savior. He knows the absolute worst things about me, and He still loves me the same. He knows how deep my lust runs. He knows how shallow I live my life. He knows about the punches I have thrown at him. He knows how bad I have treated people. But He still loves me. He never flinches in the presence of the mountain of wrongs I have committed. He loves me enough to give me room to question. And he loves me enough to hold me close when I hurt. He loves me in spite of my attempts to replace his love with the things of this world. What other love is there?

Maybe I wake up every morning out of habit. Maybe I go to my job because I have bills that need to be paid. Maybe I am over thinking my life. Honestly, I know that I am searching for someone on this earth to love me. I know that I am searching for forgiveness from those that I have wronged... And I know that I want those people to seek my forgiveness (because I am self-centered). I know that I am still a little scared. I know I am seeking a confidence that the Lord gives. Do I feel okay with this life I am leading?... Yea. Do I want to wake up early in the morning?... No. Do I want to live my days with no regret?... More than anything. Do I want someone to find me worth the risk of love?... Yea, that feels nice! I want to understand the meaning of living a life worthy of the life Jesus died for... Forgiveness is found like a cool breeze in a hot summer night, little boys grow up , and love has a way of taking the proper amount of time to walk around your corner. Of that I am confident!

Peace Found In the Pieces

2006-07-27T19:36:00.000-05:00

You don't have to stand beside an ocean to feel small. You don't have to be alone to feel lonely. And, you don't have to speak to say the wrong thing. My lack of confidence makes me feel small every morning when I wake up. I feel the most lonely in a large group of people. And, the words I say with my silence yell louder than my vocal cords could ever muster.

I say these things not to be mellow dramatic... Well maybe I am, but I realized something that makes this exhausting life seem easier to swallow. As I spend these long hours wondering about my words and planning my actions; I am trying to construct something useless. We Christians like to speak of brokenness as if it is a place we once lived but we have seemed to lost the directions to get us back there. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure if brokenness is a state of mind or a place to camp. I know that we are to grow in the Lord, but I don't think we are supposed to out grow the displacement that our brokenness gave us. What am I saying? I spend so much time and energy trying to "feel" better or "look" better in front of people or "speak" better to my Creator... And all this does is exhaust my soul... And I have the feeling that I'm not the only one.

I remember the day I accepted Jesus' gift of Salvation. It felt as if I had stopped running or dropped the world of weight I felt on my shoulders. I was free to breath without trying to earn the air... But over the past couple of months I have started to putting the weight back on my shoulders while putting my running shoes back on. It as if I have a bottle of glue in my hand, and I am trying to paste myself together in a way that is more attractive. I don't want to say anything that might make anyone uncomfortable. I don't want act upset, because my social status is already so low... But, I remember the peace in my heart when I told the Lord that I was screwed up, and I remember the time He took with me when I asked Him to sit with me as I cried. This might sound less than what a "mature Christian" would say, but I know we all need a break from this stressful life and just breath, laugh, take a drink, sit in the shower for a while, or cry for the sake of crying. We are not to stay in these places for long periods of time. We must put one foot in front of the other... But that doesn't mean we forget what broke us in the first place. For me, I know I spend too much time in the shower(that sounds funny), but I see too many people acting like they have it all together... But you just see them crumbling on the inside when you look into their eyes. I am not trying to speak of others, just for me... And I'm not sure that I made any sense!

A Prayer For Honesty

2006-07-18T13:42:00.000-05:00

In a attempt at honesty, I must confess a prayer of mine that I lift to the heavens:

"Lord, take me to a different place. Take me to snow capped mountains, where the pine trees' greens are covered by blankets of snow. I want to see my breath in front of me as I release the cold air from my lungs. Let me feel the freedom of looking down at the world from a high altitude. Lord, replace this concrete world I daily wake to with cool meadows of high grass, that bend with every wind you send. Show me flowers that I have never seen. Let me watch the leaves turn form green to red and yellow. Lord, take me to the base of the Red Wood's. Let me try and wrap my arms around their great trunks. Lord, let me swim under the great waterfalls tucked away in the rain forests I only read about. Let me play in a Portland rain storm. Let me stand beside the ocean and feel just how big you might be. Let me lay beneath a clear Montana sky and watch your stars wink at me. Take me to the fish of Alaska, I promise I will cook them with the reverence they deserve! Let me feel how tiny Rhode Island is, because I already know how big Texas is. Lord, take me any where, just take me away from the place you have me. I want to see the great beauty the world has, because I refuse to see the beauty in the city that I live."

I am a selfish man. I understand that there is nothing wrong with the passion I have in my heart. I believe God gave me the urge to explore and stand in awe of His creation. My selfishness lies in the allowing this passion to overshadow what he has for me here. He has placed me in this Metroplex, working at a coffee shop for a great reason... I just don't want to see this reason. I just want to see snow and different colored leaves, and I want to live in the ideals that I have of those places.

Just trying to find the strength to live in honesty.

The Cynics Heart

2006-07-15T22:54:00.000-05:00

Don't ask me how I came across this article, I just did. As I read this, I sometimes felt as if this lady knew me, and heard some of the comments that I have made in the years since I gave my life over to the Lord. It did my heart good, to hear that I am not the only person that struggles with not allow my cynic attitude to control my view of the church at large, the building I go to on Sunday's, and the great God that I don't know well enough to question (but I question non the less). The article is long, but worth the read!

http://www.imagodeicommunity.com/article/confessions-of-a-recovering-cynic-by-jan-carson

What Are Words Good For?

2006-07-15T18:20:00.000-05:00

Everyday I speak to people. I open my mouth and form words. Words that I hope have purpose and some meaning. I manage people at work while trying to find the proper balance of words to show grace and authority at the same time. When I am out to eat, I always try to say "thank you" and make my waiter feel like a human being instead of a robot. On a normal day, I feel that I have used my words well... Not great, but not as big of a jerk as I have been in the past.

Every time I start putting a lot of weight on the words I use, I find myself in a situation where my words have about as much use as snow tires in Texas. This past year I held my brother as he wept after his father-in-law passed away. I grew up this the man crying in front of me, and there was nothing I could say to help the pain go away. I felt so small as my brother fell to pieces in spite of my words. And this weekend I was reminded how small I felt that night as I sat in the hospital with my father as my step-mother lay in bed with medications being pumped into her through tubes. The three of us sat in the room laughing as best we could, but there was always nervousness in the air because nurses had to come in and give her shots and check the monitors for whatever information they where looking for.

As I drove away from the hospital last night, I felt no sense of accomplishment or gratification because of the words I spoke. She was still sick, and the doctors didn't know for sure what was wrong. It blew my mind that even after me spending five hours in her hospital room filling the air with my words, she was still sick. If my words made no impact, should I even say anything? If my words had no weight on the world around me, then what was my worth? As those thoughts rattled around my head, I remembered my father walking me out to my truck as I left the hospital. He thanked me for spending time with them. He told me that it meant a lot to them that I was there.

There are no magical words that someone can posses to fix everyone's problems. And sometime the more we try to find the right words, the more we end up putting our foot in our mouths. There is more power in being invested in peoples lives, than saying the right thing at the right time. Jesus taught us that he would give us the words to speak on his behalf. That give me comfort and boldness to speak my heart, and to constantly be involved in peoples lives. But I still must be honest, I want my words to have the power to change situations, and heal hurting people... And this blog is proof that I still think my words have such weight (how silly of me!).

Maybe There Is Something Bigger Than This Big Guy

2006-06-11T18:01:00.000-05:00

What happens to the "know-it-all" boy when he finds out that he is wrong? Is there use for a "know-it-all" that doesn't know anything? Is there use for a critic that has no better plan? I am learning that my cup is much more broken than I first thought... I know less than I hoped for. So, maybe I should speak less than I think I need to. When did I stop listening to those around me? When did every conversation NEED to be filled with my thoughts and views? How shallow is the man that is afraid to move away from bad situations because he might receive less attention or sympathy. What happens to the self-centered boy that wakes up in the middle of the night to find out there are other people hurting in this world?... All of the sudden insecurities are confirmed and a new brokenness is achieved. Maybe this time the boy will find a way break away from the chains that he holds on to so tightly!

Out Of Control, But Right On Schedule

2006-05-28T23:00:00.000-05:00

The longer I breath, the more I am understanding that I have no control over the days that I am allowed to live. I can make every decision that comes my way, and I can choose right or left... But control is not in my hands. I can only live the days that the Lord chooses to let me live, and I must be honest, sometimes, that is hard to swallow. Not because I believe that I could do a better job than Him... It's hard because the world my eyes are watching me live in.

It is hard because I am watching Multiple Sclerosis eat away at my mothers body. My mother taught me everything I know about being strong, and now she has trouble finding the strength in her legs to get out of bed in the morning. The women that taught me the value of a hard days work now has a hard time getting through a work day without her wheelchair reminding her that she can't do the things that she once took for granted (like being able to reach a book on a shelf). She can't hold her grandkids without some form of help. The stress of life keeps her from remembering everything that the day has held. It's hard for me to deal with the lack of control I have over this life because I hate the pain that my mother lives in. I hate hearing her voice crack as she holds back the pain. I hate the fact that my mother is in her early fifties, but she is forced to live as if she is seventy. I don't know how much tread my mom has left on her tires... And I hate the fact that there is nothing I can do to make her better.

My lack of control in this life brings me to the feet of the one that created the air I draw into my lungs. I fall to my knees because I have no lofty place of power to sit. As much as I struggle with the futility of my actions to control my surroundings... I have to place my bet on the author of this story. I have no doubt that He knows what he is doing because the sun came up again today. He loves with a force that you feel on a cool breeze or when the small stuff works out right. I have no clue why my mother is suffering while thieves have the strength to steal. But, I know why Jesus died on a tree. I know that if my Savior felt pain, then I will too. I also know that if death had no power over him, then death has no control over me.

The longer I sit under this city sky, the more I understand why the Lord made Crockett, Texas. The more time I take to stop and listen for the Lord... The more I understand that his knowledge has depths I will never reach in this body. The more I watch my potted plants grow, the more I understand that the Earth existed long before I cried my first tears. I trust that the Lord has a plan that is good for me. And, I trust that nothing that happens can take him by surprise. The Bible tells me that He knew me long before I was in my mothers womb... I am starting to understand how personal and intimate that is. I wish my mother did not understand the pain that she lives with, but I am thankful that she has a personal relationship with the only person that has the power to do anything about that pain.

Half Drunk, but Hurt Straight To the Bone

2006-05-16T22:14:00.000-05:00

Forgive me all those who look to me for advice and strength for living your life… I am a flawed man. This isn’t going to come out right… and this won’t sound “Christian”…

I am sitting on my patio tonight trying to drink away this hurt that I thought was in the past. Ben Harper is pleading over the stereo not to be hurt again. My heart seems to be screaming the same thing right now. It’s amazing how a hard day at work can unearth hurt that you buried so many times before. The grave always seems shallow when you are exhausted. I drove away from work today knowing I would feel this way. I knew I would be the only one in this apartment when I got here. I knew I would battle with these thoughts and emotions… and I knew I would fall at the feet of this pain again. I have never been good at being alone, but I am trying so hard. I try to keep the smile on my face, but it seems as fake as the words of wisdom I try to pass on to those who seek it from me.

Sorry my thought are so random (the empty bottles are starting to pile up)…
I remember being dressed in a black tux with a white tie. I was scared I was going to screw up the ceremony. I knew for sure I was going to say the wrong words or set her dress on fire with a unity candle. I did neither. I said the right things, and I even made it through our first dance without falling all over her. That day runs through my head a lot, so does the day that she left me for the “what might be” of Arizona. Just the name of that state sometime hurts my heart. Memories haunt me, and words still cut me to the point of tears.

There is no sunshine in this post, just the truth: Sometimes it still hurts to be alone. When I am just tired enough, I get sad that I don’t have someone to hold. When a certain song comes on the radio, Sometimes I am taken back to a place from years ago. I am not saying that I long for the days of the past… But she always had a smile to get lost in…

Tomorrow I will wake up, go to work, and try to do better than I did today. This isn’t a permanent emotion of mine, just tonight as I sit here under a breezy night.

I love how I still write these posts as if anyone reads a word I have to say.

I Am Not Job!

2006-04-26T22:43:00.000-05:00

Job 1:8 "And the Lord said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that fearth God, and shuns evil?"

Anyone who has ever felt the fire of trial and the desert of waiting for an answer from the Heavens tends to gravitate toward the books of Psamls and Job. We try to identify our situations with those of David and Job. But, I must confess...as much as I try to convince myself that I am "Job-like", I am not Job. I am no where close. Any pain that I might feel is nothing compaired to the pain of literally loosing everything I own, as Job did. I feed my selfish nature with the thoughts that my situation holds a flame to that which Job went through.

More than this, the Lord tells us in this passage that we are not Job. Read that verse again, and look at the words that the Lord uses to describe Job. Perfect (or blameless) and upright. There is only one other man that is described with these words... Jesus. I am no where close to being the man that Job was. My nature lends itself to the bad situations I can find myself in, but Job's did not. He gave sacrifices on his sons behalf, just in case they had sinned... I barely stay awake long enough at night to tell the Lord "sorry" for my selfishness.

In the Lord's eyes, our pain is real... but temporal. No matter what our names are, he longs for our trust. It is true that he allows pain and tragedy to enter our lives in hopes that it will bring us closer to him. And that sounds cruel for those who haven't experienced His love; but for those of us who have tasted hints of this love... we see the beauty in the hurt. At the end of Job's trial he is humbled by the whirlwind of God's speach, then he is restored and blessed two fold. This is not a promise for the rest of us. However, it does give me hope. I know that the Lord is preparing a place where pain has no foot hold. I like the sound of that... the aching will stop one day.

Being There

2006-04-19T11:50:00.000-05:00

I have an amazing mother. After my parents divorced, my mother raised three boys on her own. These weren’t regular kids. I used to break every glass bottle I came across, Nathan taught me everything I knew about acting like a Tasmanian devil, and Stan grew very angry trying to keep up with his younger brothers. My mom used to work three jobs in a day, bake cakes for extra cash, and still somehow had some time for us kids.

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about my mother recently. Being the baby boy, my mother and I had the closest friendship out of us boys. Mom and I would have long conversations about everything. She taught me how to make objects out of clouds. I would sit in the front seat of the van and shout, “I see a horse! Look it’s a pirate ship! That one is a dragon breathing fire on the horse and pirate ship!” My mom always saw whatever I said was in the clouds. When Nathan and I found an artistic stroke with oil paints, mom bought us every color paint there was, and we pieced together a set of paintbrushes.

Looking back now, on those years growing up, I am surprised at all the memories I have of my single mother “being there”. I remember going to all of Nathan’s basketball games. I remember going out of town, traveling to Sea World, I remember her teaching me to cook. She was there more than most single parents are, and I have no clue how she did it. I remember the bags under her eyes after she came home late from a 15-hour day at her jobs, but I remember the pancakes on Saturday morning. I remember her short fuse at points, but I also remember the hug the next morning when I woke up. My brothers and I agree. Our mom gave us the best possible childhood she could. We had a backyard with a trampoline, a basketball hoop, we always had cable TV, we had a Nintendo the year in came out, and we have great memories of her “being there”.

The years have been hard for our family. After all the long hard years of her raising her boys, she finds out she had Multiple Sclerosis in the mid- 90’s. MS has put her in a wheelchair, and forced her to learn to write with her left hand. Physically my mom is a shell of the women that took me to my first professional basketball game. But, her heart is as big as it has ever been. My mom has watched all three of her boys grow and marry. She has three grandkids and a divorcee baby boy. She struggles with her physical body. There is anger under the surface when she can’t physically do what she once could. There is hurt when she can’t “be there” for her boys or for their kids.
My mother is so beautiful. The years have robbed her of walking, but the Lord has given her strength to live when most would have given up. I love my mom more than I realize. I have her nose, I have her thick hair, and her pail skin. But more than anything, I have her love no matter how much I screw up. I will never forget the phone call when I told her that I was getting divorced. The mom inside her started to cry and was at a loss for words. The women that went through the fire of a divorce got angry and tried to “get me through it”. But the mother in her won that fight, and we cried together. I could feel her love on the back of my head (it felt like one of her hugs, when she reaches up from her chair and pulls me close with her hand on my head). I love my mom. I love her for “being there”.

Happy Birthday To Me!

2006-04-15T00:05:00.000-05:00

So, it is officially my birthday. I am now 24 years old. It has been a long journey since my last birthday. I sometime feel like I am 40 years old. My back hurts when I wake, and my heart weighs more than it should.

But I am as thankful as I can ever remember being in my life. I am so thankful for my family, and the support that they have shown me (even when they haven't agreed with my actions). I have a wonderful mother who has done more for me than I will ever know. I have three brothers that bless me more than I could ever tell them. And I have some good friends that do everything they can to make this boy feel as good about himself as possible.

There is a lot that I could blab on and on about, but I won't. I am glad that this past year in my life is over, but I am thankful for the things that the Lord has shown me. I have a smile on my face, because there is hope for me! Thank you Lord for being who you are... even if I don't fully understand all that you are. I am glad to be me! Thank you, to all those that have helped me get to this birthday! You are blessing to an undeserved kid!

"Touch'em All Kirby, Touch'em All"

2006-04-12T00:58:00.000-05:00

I have been contemplating blogging about this for a long time now. On May 7th, Kirby Puckett passed away from a stoke. He was 45.

In 1990, I became a baseball fan. I was at the age when boys truly start to understand the rules of the game. While I enjoyed the season that year; the following year I became a Minnesota Twins fan. That season I remember watching the Twins play the White Sox a million times, and I saw them beat the stuffing out of the Royal's every time they stepped on the field.
I have never been very athletic, and height has never been associated with my name. So imagine my surprise to find out short fat kids can play baseball too. I watch Kirby Puckett knock the cover off almost every ball pitched to him, and jump over the wall in center field to make a catch. He was shorted than the rest of the players, and he wasn't the skinniest guy on the field. I was inspired. In my mind I had a chance to make it to the "big game". That year I watched the Twins win the World Series and Kirby had a great series. From that season on I have been a Twins fan, and Kirby was my hero.

What captured me more than his ability on the diamond, was his heart off the field. Kirby was constantly being named "Man of the Year" by the league for his work in the community. He was always in the hospitals visiting kids with cancer, or starting his own foundation for underprivileged kids. His smile was as famous as the great catches he made. He was a great player, and a better person.

Kirby's career was cut short by an eye condition, and he became...Well, to be honest, fat. He gained a lot of weight, and it showed as he gave his Hall of Fame speech when he was inducted in 2001. Shortly after his induction, he and his wife divorced. Sports Illustrated ran a big story on Kirby after he assaulted a lady in a restraunt. The story told of Kirby's affair with a women that lasted during his marriage and it also told of his "true" feelings about the charitable work. He hated it. He hated spending time with the kids. Kirby never commented about the article, but he no longer helped in the Twins front office. And, he was no longer the face of the organization. I was in college when I read this article. It broke my heart. The image that I held of him was broken.
I remained a Twins fan, but I stopped talking about how great of a guy Kirby was. When I watched ESPN break the story of his death, I was little busted up. I always knew that any person that is put on a petalstool will let you down, but when he died I felt bad for the way I totally dismissed him as a person because of a magazine article. No matter how he felt about the charitable work he did, he still did the work. He still did mountains of good for the kids in his community. He never went to the media to complain about "the organization" or his team mates. He played for the Twins his whole career, even when it was becoming popular to play the free agent market. The kids that he visited still found hope even if he felt the inconvenience of his time.

I am a fan of Kirby Puckett. He was a great player, and did more good for the people he came in contact with than I have attempted to do. I am still a Twins fan, even though I have never stepped foot in Minnesota. Hero's can let us down in the ways Jesus never will... but I don't know if Jesus ever played baseball (please understand the humor of tat statement, do no take that seriously). I am thankful for the life of Kirby Puckett. He meant a lot to me as a kid who knew he would never reach the majors, but still loved the game. I played sports because I saw it was okay to be on the field even if I wasn't most athletic. He made it easy to watch a full nine inning of ball.
Thanks Kirby.

My Brother Became My Brother

2006-04-06T21:45:00.000-05:00

My oldest brother, Stan, lost his job over a month ago. He was building planes for a living. It was the job that he dreamed of having when he graduated from college. But, the bottom fell out and the world slapped him in the face, again. This new free time that has been given to him has offered him lots of time to think, and time to be with his young daughter. My brother has not led a charmed life by any measure.
When he was young he was constantly sick, and he even slipped into a comma for a small period. Later in his childhood, he watched my parents go trough a painful divorce. His father faded from his life, and he was forced helped my mother raise his two younger brothers. He didn’t have much time to deal with his emotions for himself. Instead for learning how to be himself, he had to help his brothers grow up. Stan went through his high school days very angry and confused about what his life meant. I watched Stan at his high school graduation come face to face with the man that he hadn’t called dad in a long time. Our father had made the trip to Texas from Florida, with his “new” family, to watch his oldest son graduate. There was a lot that both felt they needed to say to each other, but none of the words where said that night.
As Stan continued to live his life with a chip on his shoulder, he went through different jobs and different girlfriends. Life never made total sense to him. He could never understand why his life had unfolded the way had. After making the move to go to school in Waco, his long time girlfriend left him. He was left with nothing left to do except study, work, and try to forget the overwhelming feeling of rejection that life had been giving him for about 20 years.
Stan met the girl that eventually became his wife. Life didn’t become any easier when they learned that they had a baby on the way. His wife had a history of loosing a child during a pregnancy, so they braced themselves for a long nine months of uncertainty. They didn’t make it nine months, and Skylar Freeman was born a couple months premature. Over the next couple of months, Stan watched as his daughter fought for her life. Fast forward, a couple of years and Skylar has the biggest blue eyes and the goofiest grin found in the state of Texas. In this past year, Stan came face to face once again with the man that he had grown to hate. The three Freeman brothers drove to the home of their father. Making that drive, Nathan and I had no idea what would happen. When we arrived at the house, I prayed for Stan. I asked the Lord to move in the heart for these two men. And he did. There was laughter and tears of healing between a father and his oldest son. When we drove away, I heard Stan use the word “dad”.
All of these events lead to the defining moment in Stan’s life last weekend. Because he was out of work and had a world of time on his hands, my mother ushered Stan to a Christian retreat. I have spent hours and hours talking with Stan about the Lord. I have listened to Stan question the hurt in his life, and ask hard questions about the nature of our Creator.
Last night I called Stan to see how his weekend went. I listened as my brother talked to me about how the Holy Spirit moved in his heart. He spoke of humility and thankfulness. Over the weekend, my brother received the free Salvation that Jesus created on the cross. My brother became my brother in Christ. Now time can’t stop our relationship. I don’t know a lot about Heaven. Nevertheless, I believe we will know our family and friends when we get there. I am thankful for the Lord not giving up on Stan. I am hopeful that the life Stan will lead will be filled with great moments of following the Lords Will for him as a father and husband. I hope he is able to watch Skylar grow up, follow Christ, and chase her dreams.
I will say it again, because it fills me with joy, STANLEY FOWLER FREEMAN JR IS A BORN AGAIN FOLLOWER OF THE RISEN JESUS CHRIST! Thank you Lord!

The Year In Review

2006-03-25T17:56:00.000-06:00

My head can get clouded very easily. My view of myself is constantly getting too high or too low. My head can swell like a balloon around my personal thoughts of my goodness. I can become prideful of the stupidest parts of who I am. And on the flip side, I can force myself into the deepest, stickiest pits of low self-worth. I use the word "force" because there are time when I want to feel less than I might be. There is nothing healthy about these types of actions. What drives a person to "want" to live eye level with the dirt. Why would a person want to sink into hurt and pain? Why do I want to feel this pain of the past? To be honest, I would drather be know for shades of arrogance than to swim in pools of self loathing.
It has been a year since, what I thought was, my life walked away from me. She took her ball and went home... And I think she took some of my DVD's as well! As I look back over this "journey" to this point, I see a kid that has done a lot of growing. But there has been a lot of pain in my steps. There have been laughs and good things that have happened to me as well. I have watched the Lord move His hand in my favor. I have seen prayers answered, but not the way I asked him to answer them. And, I haven't deserved a bit of it. There is much for me to be thankful for, and I am...But my head can get clouded sometimes.
Even my moments of thankful clarity are bitter sweet. Pain stabs at wounds that haven't healed. There is comfort in the pain of the past. I think it is comferting because we own the pain. It is ours to feel and "get through". It becomes part of the person we find ourselves becoming. I find this true in my life. I keep my divorce close because it is inevitable that the wound will open again at some point... If it will be opened again, I should be the one to do it. I have to remind myself that I didn't do this to myself. I made mistakes, but leaving wasn't one of them. It has been a year...Wow! Now it's time to "move on". Time to move past what once was. Now it is time for me to allow myself to be more than the painful past. Full steam ahead... I have a feel this is going to hurt just as bad. I hope I really meant that!

Quick Question

2006-03-22T13:22:00.000-06:00

I just want to pose a question. Where does our past stop and the future begin? Because if we are who we are today because of the past we have lived, where does the past stop? I want to fully give myself over to the possibilities that today and the future hold, but what about past that I still live in? My skin is burned from last week, so I am still wearing last week. I have grey hair caused by years of stuff, so I am constantly reminded of the past. I guess what I am trying to say is that the past doesn't stop just because the sun sets everyday. It seems to always be with me. Hard part about the past is finding a way not to allow myself to be a slave to it, because Christ has broken those chains...So why do I keep trying to put them back on?

Man Made Fences

2006-03-21T22:17:00.000-06:00

All over the church you hear the phrase: “If you wait until you clean up your act to come to Jesus, you will never come.” What a true statement, but I fear that we believe that statement stop applying to us once we accept the salvation that Christ offers. I don’t know how many times I have intentionally tried to hide from the Lord until I got things straight. I do it all the time. I mess up, like I always do, and then I think I can “fix it”. I think I can solve the problems that arise in my life. I want to use the right words to talk to him with. I understand that there is a lot that I can control and that I have some power over some things in my life. But there is a lot that I can’t control. I get myself in a lot of trouble, and for some stupid reason, I want to believe that it puts a fence between my Father and me. I want to believe this because it helps me feed my ego; thinking that there is something I can do to make the Lord love me more… or less.
The truth is, no matter how long I wait to take things to the Lord, He already knows…and He has already forgiven me. The only fences built out of my sins are the ones that I try to box myself in out of guilt. Guilt doesn’t come from the Lord. He never makes us feel guilty; we do that to ourselves. He is always waiting for His children to stop being dramatic and just be His. I, more than anyone I know, want to make a production about how bad I “feel” about the position I find myself in. I want to talk to everyone I know about it. And, for some sick reason, I want to relive all the crap that I pull out of my past. When I do this, I am trying to put distance between the Lord and me. And while I know this isn’t possible, I try with all my might.
The point that I am trying to make is this: We should never wait to talk to the Lord about our lives. Pissed off? Tell him why. Happy? Let him share the moment with you. Hurting in ways you never thought possible? Let him take a moment to listen to you. Prayer is a dialog that starts with you being honest, but you have to find a place to start listening for him. I have come to understand that he understands every emotion that we can possibly feel, and not because he created them, but because he has experienced them first hand. There is nothing clean about the lives we lead. Nevertheless, He finds beauty in out attempts at perfection.

Uncle Chad, Look at What I Can Do!

2006-03-20T10:11:00.000-06:00

These are my brother’s kids, MaKayla and Evan. These are two of the best kids this world has ever seen. They also have all the energy a small city needs to keep it’s street lights lit. Two of the greatest words I heard last week where “Uncle Chad”… and I heard those words a lot. The acceptance that I hoped for was found the moment these kids saw me at the airport. I could see their faces light up with smiles. It is an amazing feeling to remember that there are people who love you for just being you. I looked in these kids eyes the entire week, and I saw love and forgiveness. The love in their eyes was there even after they got in trouble for not sharing toys. The forgiveness was always there, even after I wasn’t able to prevent Evan from falling down and hurting his knees.
Trust me, these kids aren’t perfect, and to be honest, I found myself wishing for a break from them at times. In spite of these imperfections, I came to understand why Christ said, “Let the children come.” And the statement, “Childlike faith” is easier said then done. I find it hard to not to be angry with those who tell me “no”, or to forgive those who fail me. I can’t seem to trust the Lord just because he says I should.
My trip to Florida was good. It was nothing like I expected, but it was what I needed. I was able to rest, but I had to work for it. I chased those kids until I was tired. But, I didn’t think about work the entire time I was there. The only books that I read where the books I wanted to read, not textbooks. And the times I looked into the sky for God, it wasn’t out of pain, it was out of praise. There was nothing exceptional about the vacation, but peace was found somewhere between the flight there and home.
So, now I am back to the real world. Back to work and school. I woke up in my own empty bed this morning, and it didn’t feel the same as I remembered. Now it’s time to live the rest of this life better than I lived the days of the past. Time to start stepping forward more than backwards. It’s funny to think that all of these thoughts came from those kids smiles.

Burn Baby Burn!

2006-03-17T08:24:00.000-06:00

Nathan and I had the great opportunity to watch a Spring Training game here in Florida. We sat on the side lawn and watched the entire game. It was the first live baseball game that the two of us watched together. The two of us love baseball. Both of us played ball in high school and we play catch every time we get together. We talked on the phone, long distance, during the last game of the World Series. We love to talk as if we could have made it to the "Big Show".
Two thing happened while we sat there and talked during that game. The first thing that happened was we had a great time while being away from our daily grind. Nathan did not have his kids crawling all over him, or he wasn't managing a deli that consumes his energy and mind. While Nathan loves his kids and enjoys his job, it was great for him not to have to focus on anything except being "Nathan". And, the same thing goes for me. For about three hours I didn't have to worry about getting a research paper done on time. I didn't have to worry about getting employees to "make coffee", and all of the other cleaning that has to be done at the store. And above all, for three hours I wasn't worried about being divorced. It was a great release for the two of us. We where able to just be brothers again. We wheren't trying to help each other with the issues that come up in our lives. We just laughed at each others jokes, traded stat's about our favorite teams, we got nachos and chili cheese fries, and made a promise to catch another game together. We where kids again... for three hours.
The second thing that happened during the game was a very bad sun burn! In the spirit of being kids, we where too excited to remember to put on sun block before we left for the game... and now it shows all over our faces and legs. We are lobsters. Lots and lots of pain!
While baseball is only a game, something Biblical happened during the nine innings we sat there, fellowship. Nathan and I encouraged each other while we watched the Braves beat the Dodgers. We affirmed each others lives through laughter. And we allowed each other to cut loose a little. There was joy found on the thrid-base line that day. I believe the Lord enjoys his children enjoying life. This life isn't meant to be merely "gotten through". It is meant to be enjoyed. And to be honest I have been just trying to get through today to get to tomorrow. And that is a miserable way to live. Heres to life, baseball, and the Lord that made both of them!

Looking for the Ocean

2006-03-12T22:37:00.000-06:00

I am flying out to Orlando, Florida in the morning. I am going to see my brother, Nathan. I haven't seen him and his family in a while. I am looking forward spending some time with him and his kids. But, there is a more selfish reason for this trip. I am looking for a break. I am looking for some "me" time on the flight, and I want to see the ocean. I want to take hundreds of pictures of the water and the people around me. My goal is to catch up with my brother while I let my mind untie itself from the knots it has become twisted in.
I am so tired and I have so many balls in the air that I have been juggling for such a long time. I just want to let them drop for a couple of days while I take care of me for a while. Emotionally I am drained and physically I am tired. I haven't been able to observe the Sabith in such a long time. Maybe I will be able to just be "Uncle Chad" for a couple of days. Maybe Nathan's kids can give me some undeserved acceptance.
So that is the goal of the trip. I just want to "be" for a while. Maybe for a couple of days I will allow myself to enjoy the life the Lord has given me. Maybe I will find a way to let go of some of the things that I am binding myself with. There are alot of maybe's in my words tonight... hopefully I will come back to Dallas with a tan and not so many "maybe's".

Deep Blues

2006-03-12T15:43:00.000-06:00

There are days when it is hard to find the strength to lift my head. My alarm goes off, and I just lay in a bed that will forever feel empty. There is nothing comforting about my bed, but somehow it feels better than the life that seems to be waiting for me to pull back the sheets. When did this life get so complicated that it takes a major decision to get me out of bed? Some days seem to be painted with deep blue strokes, and rays of sun have no chance at breaking through. What happens to the Christians that sometimes feel lost? The Christians that know the answers to the shallow questions they want to ask, what about them? I know where my salvation is found. And I also know there is more to my life than me. This doesn't change the weakness that I still feel from time to time. This doesn't change the pain that seems to grip me when I let my guard down. Tears form for unseen reasons, and laughter only happens when I reolize how rediculious I am being. But the weakness is still there.
Do these emotions have anything to do with my faith in Christ? Are these emotions my way of telling God that he is not enough for me, that I need more tan what he offers? Read the Psalms and you will read David talking about the same things I am talking about, but there is a difference... David follows his crys with statement of obdeince and faithfullness...I follow my questions with tears and more questions.
Not all days are like this, so I know that there is more to life than just me and my emotions. I know God is good and faithfull to me even when I am not. I see his goodness all around me, and I would even like to believe that I m part of that goodness. I would like to think that I am usefull to him in this sense. But the blue strokes run deep sometimes. But I know there is much more to this life than the blue.

2006-03-11T21:26:00.000-06:00

Is grace worth dying for? I have been doing a lot of reading and thinking about what grace really is, and how in the world am I supposed to give more of it that I take. To be honest, these thoughts aren't pretty and I do not have much to be proud of. Grace can eat your lunch when you sit down with it. But is it meant to cut us in such a way? Is there any part of grace that is supposed to make us hurt and feel hardship?
When you hear the word grace, I believe your heart is supposed to smile. You mind is meant to go to places where people lend a hand to those in need, or other pretty places like the Cross... What about the Cross was pretty? Was it the man bloodied beyond recognition, was that pretty? Maybe it was the sin of the world that covered his body, was that pretty? While Christ walked the earth, His steps where grace filled. Even a mere touch of His robe caused grace spill onto those who touched it. It must have been a beautiful thing to behold...But that same grace caused Him the greatest pain imaginable. That same showing of grace caused hearts to be hardened when they saw it. It caused bitterness in the hearts of those who should have known enough to walk beside Him. I think I see some of those same bitter feeling bubbling inside of me.
So I ask again, "Is grace worth dying for?". Should it hurt? Should it cause us hardship? What I know for certain is that the grace that we are to freely give can cost us everything. So, why do I still have so much?